Have you ever denied your feelings or had them denied to you

[ugglover2012]

I was just wondering if people do this? Completely deny but really have strong feelings for someone and yet they let them believe they don't.

 

Did the truth ever come out? How do you deal with it when you know they do but deny it?

 

Why would they deny it, how can they cope with not teling?

 

Thanks,

[Eternal Sunshine]

I denied my feelings for my boss for 4 years. I was pretty much in love with him. I never let him know or made any moves. Just secretly pined for him at home. I also avoided any situations where there could be alcohol/hotel rooms together like conference trips. I had to see him every day too.

 

In my case, he was married and my boss so my feelings were just wrong. I needed to let them die, which luckily for me they did

[BreakOnThrough]

I was just wondering if people do this? Completely deny but really have strong feelings for someone and yet they let them believe they don't.

 

Did the truth ever come out? How do you deal with it when you know they do but deny it?

 

Why would they deny it, how can they cope with not teling?

 

Thanks,

 

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It's a fact of life, I think as we get older, we mature enough toignore and allow such things to not interfere. Feelings are normal, butreacting to them tends to be very inappropriate in certain situations (at worketc). You can generally avoid a lot of complications in life by never verballydisclosing certain things and remaining neutral. Eventually, feelings subsideand you move on with your life.

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[candie13]

big crush last summer. as large as a house being thrown back to Earth from a speeding meteorite!

 

I understood that the guy was not about to settle and that he didn't really know what he wanted, also he found the idea of relationship appealing - he was calling me his gf since the very first moment.

 

Talk about high initial expectations from my side, OMG, haha! Strong feelings, huge chemistry, but it sort of fizzled out over the summer - from his side, mostly.

 

I was still very much involved, he had the upper hand, at some point I understood I had lost. I played my hand as good as I could, was hard to get a hold of and reducing contact to a minimum. Bloody bastard tortured and tempted me, pleased and asked to see me... I was extremely fortunate to have avoided seeing him again - someone out there loves me a LOT. And then, I gave up, I couldn't take the leading on game.

 

The worst was the contacting stopped, because I was wondering if everything wasn't all inside my head. Then life happened and I saw him with a date in a club and this turned me off forever. It was my cold shower.

 

After a while, I got better, was ready to move on, there he went, out of the blue again! Full speed ahead, texting and emailing without being very specific as to what he wanted, calling me "sweatheart" and "darling" so that I'd start contact again! This time, it was a clear "No".

 

The worst kind, I swear. I was sooo inlove, you'd never believe it. My lesson was to learn to wait and to learn to let go. I wasn't eating, I wasn't sleeping, I had lost massive weight, but didn't contact him once. He was the instigator.

 

What helped me was my belief that I want someone to love me back the right way, that's what I was looking for, not a partner for the games playing.

[candie13]

not sure if it was clear in my post, I had denied my feelings in front of him, acted as if they weren't there the whole time, as much as I could.

 

while he sensed at the beginning that I was highly emotionally involved, he got thrown off by my lack of response and came back for some more ego boosting. got some confirmation, jerked my chain some more, didn't get any, so came back again for more, finally, got nothing, left, came back again. I told you, I'd read him from the beginning, the guy was lost.

 

one lives and one learns.

[ugglover2012]

but, if you were confronted would you still deny? Even if that person admitted they had feelings for you?

[candie13]

He grabbed his balls, and texted at 4 in the morning at some point. Came to visit me and "talk". Guess what, he just wasn't up to the task. I was very upset and I hurt him too. He - completely closed off. We had one more night together, he left and that was the end of it.

 

He simply didn't have the balls to express his feelings. To say "I ****ed up". To ask me to try again or admit his faults. This is a guy who has girls easy, he is not used to leveling up. Not used to being given hard work. He is not used to being put with his nose in his own shyte... in the end, bastards never admit they're bastards. or maybe he was just not sure, maybe he was just not inlove, in which case he did well to leave, but it was very cruel of him to pursue me for another month or so... to "talk".

 

Had he told me "I've missed you" or "I care" or "you hurt me" or "I was wrong"... who knows... but people aren't whom you want them to be, even if you wish it very very very hard. they are whom they are.

 

sometimes, you just gotta stop ansking yourself questions and look at facts. Did he ask me out? NO. Did he apologize? NO. Did he offer me any explanation? NO. Fine, then we got nothing and I won't spend my time and energy in something that might or might not exist.

 

you can only choose or not choose. NO inbetween. His not coming back to get me was his actively NOT choosing me. I got it. I've left. End of story.

[candie13]

hope this helps.

 

what did u do, exactly ?

[ltjg45]

More than 30 times already.

 

Saw a female, had interest.....but since it was always in a public place, I avoided stepping up to her due to risk of rejection.

 

Maybe if it was in a bar, a club, or around a neighborhood, I would step up but I'm not doing it around 20-30 other people.

[Feelin Frisky]

I have had several. Developing feelings can be a wonderful state to live in even if it comes to naught. There have been women who I'd have seen on the job and for some reason some day you never see her the same way again. It's a one-sided love that can change your entire feelings about life. I don't know why it happens other than sex but these feelings I have had were rarely about wanting to have sex. It was more of an idolization, a protectiveness, just absolute joy with her sight. I've never fulfilled that with anyone. I think I'd die of happiness just for one lick. I don't regret any of those crushes. Unfortunately my work doesn't give me the exposure I had when young. At 25 years old I supervised 29 women an two men. And there were other areas in the same huge floor with gazillions of women of all walks. I love when one gets under your skin and it's on. I always think of the Phil Collins song "Invisible Touch" where he sings "when she gets under your skin, you're never quite the same". How true.

[candie13]

any specific woman between any of those 29, several or all of them ?

[tbf]

Oh sure. Post break up. There's no purpose to allowing myself to wallow in angst. So it's repressed, then over time, slowly bled off.

[Feelin Frisky]

any specific woman between any of those 29, several or all of them ?

 

None of the one's who reported to me. I just mentioned it because there were so many women around me in my early work years that there were lots of chances to develop feelings (especially since I was single and my home life was crap). In in the 17 years I worked for that company, there were maybe 6 (never at the same time) who captured my adoration to the point of that one-sided love-sickness--the kind that makes you want to be a better man in every way. I had relationships with others who were appealing in their own way and the fact that they didn't over-work themselves at hiding their affections for me led to those affairs. But 17 years is a long time to love and lose and love again and lose again, or never get what you want but still want it etc etc. That's why I said, the feeling of the one-sided adoration can change your life. It pulled me out of some funks, and caused me to want to make myself over and do right which I did. I don't have that kinda access any more and someone on here kinda made me feel that way--all crazy loving not all that long ago, but it's not like being able to have someone as if they lived down the block or something. I'm grateful for the chance though the feeling the way I did and have it returned for the short time it did. But she has her block a thousand miles away with real men on it. And that's all I dare say about that.

[candie13]

The feeling of one-sided adoration can change your life... if it's for one person and if you have a real relationship with that person - not adoring her from a distance.

 

It is fantastic that you're used these experiences to grow and become a better person.

 

You don't have that kinda access anymore to what? a person that would become the subject of your adoration? or capacity to love?

 

you have a cryptical way of writing your posts and English isn't my mother tongue, sorry -

[ugglover2012]

Person A- is married and is attracted to person B

 

Person B-- has shown interest in Person A with flirting and sending mixed messages but has been very casual about all actions.

 

Person A and person B have a strong connection and Person B agrees.

Person A has never felt this way about anyone else before. Person A tells person B about their feelings and person B gets upset and says they have never had any attraction to Person A at any time nor has he flirted with Person A. But, rubbing ones back and finding any excuse to touch Person A is flirting.

Person A doesn't want anything to ever happen but she feels the need to have closure that she was not crazy that Person B did have feelings for her. Person A thinks Person B doesn't want to admit it b/c if they do then it becomes true and they have to deal with it and they know that it will never work out between Person A and Person B.

 

Person B sends texts like "your kids and husband are lucky to have you in their lives" and on Christmas morning sends Person A a text @ 9am wishing them Merry Christmas. And, Person A hasn't heard from Person B in 3 weeks. Just as the first text came after no communication for 3 weeks. Person B gets really nervous around Person A too.

 

So, this is why I wonder about people who deny their feelings when you are 99% sure that the other person does care but won't admit it. I can't deny my feelings, it was driving me crazy. I have a handle on all of it now and must say it is what it is and continue my life.

[Feelin Frisky]

The feeling of one-sided adoration can change your life... if it's for one person and if you have a real relationship with that person - not adoring her from a distance.

 

It is fantastic that you're used these experiences to grow and become a better person.

 

You don't have that kinda access anymore to what? a person that would become the subject of your adoration? or capacity to love?

 

you have a cryptical way of writing your posts and English isn't my mother tongue, sorry -

 

Yes, I am older and when I work it's intellectual work where I'm cloistered away solving problems of making 3-D structures work like building models of the steel work that defines every cut, not bolt and weld of a steel structure. After working on Wall Street for so long I got a years salary to find another job. I had a zillion ideas but would up going to architecture school thinking that it would finish the stuff I had learned in "art school" and help me storyboard my ideas better. Instead as a job it took me out of the kinds of exposure I used to have to women and I worked contracts that were very demanding. I regret it but I had to pay the bills and before you know it age catches up. So it gets harder if you're single or divorced and not independently wealthy as you age. I don't live in the big Metro9pis of New York City any more either. So, even though there are ways to meet, you don't have those daily grinds where this young lady or that gets under your skin and into your heart like it used to be for me. That doesn't mean I'm past hope. I just have to try much harder and more often than not I don't feel like. All it will take though is one love interest to change all that though.

[Killer Queen]

When I was 18 at university, I had a massive crush on a 24 year old engineering student I met there on my first day and we had some classes and lectures together... I never admitted my true feelings and he never knew, even to this day. He was a Christian and even though I wasn't, I went to all these Christian groups and stuff just because of him. I don't know why, but whenever I was with him I tried to hide my true feelings. I was just too young, maybe.

 

Another time when I was 19-21, I was in love with a man 17 years older than me. I always denied my true feelings because I knew he wouldn't be interested if he thought I wanted him. I think he has commitment issues. I always fooled myself that one day I could be with him because I was really confused by his continuous strings of mixed signals, but I was wrong so one day I decided to get over myself and find myself a nice, drama-free boyfriend.

[candie13]

Person A- is married and is attracted to person B

 

Person B-- has shown interest in Person A with flirting and sending mixed messages but has been very casual about all actions.

 

Person A and person B have a strong connection and Person B agrees.

Person A has never felt this way about anyone else before. Person A tells person B about their feelings and person B gets upset and says they have never had any attraction to Person A at any time nor has he flirted with Person A. But, rubbing ones back and finding any excuse to touch Person A is flirting.

Person A doesn't want anything to ever happen but she feels the need to have closure that she was not crazy that Person B did have feelings for her. Person A thinks Person B doesn't want to admit it b/c if they do then it becomes true and they have to deal with it and they know that it will never work out between Person A and Person B.

 

Person B sends texts like "your kids and husband are lucky to have you in their lives" and on Christmas morning sends Person A a text @ 9am wishing them Merry Christmas. And, Person A hasn't heard from Person B in 3 weeks. Just as the first text came after no communication for 3 weeks. Person B gets really nervous around Person A too.

 

So, this is why I wonder about people who deny their feelings when you are 99% sure that the other person does care but won't admit it. I can't deny my feelings, it was driving me crazy. I have a handle on all of it now and must say it is what it is and continue my life.

 

Dear ugglover2012,

 

I am sorry to hear about what you are going through and I am even more sorry to find out that you fell for a married woman.

 

While I understand that this may happen, I believe pursuing a MW, texting her, contacting her, however strong your feelings might be, is very wrong. Please use all the help this forum can give you to make the right choices for your life and not help you get what you want - which by the sound of it, is an affair.

 

I wish you well, but I refuse to help or offer my sympathy to a person who acts the way you do. I will not be a part of it.

 

Please stop everything, from all contact to even thinking about her. She has a family, can you be a father to her children? You seem young, a child yourself. Stay away.

 

Take care,

 

candie

[ugglover2012]

I am person A. I just had trouble dealing with not knowing the truth. I just wanted to know I am not crazy for feeling the connection between us. I am settled and doing okay and not thinking of him anymore. We are friends but I have built up my wall.

 

I have never had this happen to me before and hope it never happens again as this past year has been the worst year of my life.

[candie13]

Focus on your husband and children, on your family. Focus on regaining control over your life.

 

I understand the "wanting to know if it was all in your head" syndrome. I've had it. People who inflict this treatment on their victims are weak, are scared, are lost. And in your case, quite rightly so. There is no way out for you two, no resolution, no happy ending possible. In the end, it doesn't matter if it was all inside your head or not.

 

What matters is that you let yourself get drawn into this situation WHEN YOU ARE MARRIED! you are not supposed to be hurting to this extent, for another man, when you husband lies near you, every night. THAT IS YOUR PROBLEM. Maybe you seek emotional soothing. MAybe you want to be saved. But no one can save you from yourself.

 

Confront yourself and your feelings for your husband. That's your problem, not a kid who won't text you for 3 weeks. Today is this kid, tomorrow it'll be another one... and I bet that this "worst year of your life" will be accompanied by many other "worst years of your life" if you continue to live in denial and not seek to be fulfilled: emotionally, sexually, socially BY JUST ONE PERSON!

 

take care,

 

candie