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Still not sure how to handle this guy


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So, here I am again. I came here a month ago to talk about this, and nothing much happened since then. I feel as bad as I did when I registered here; worse, actually, because I've realized I'm depressed about life in general, perhaps a clinical depression. But let's not go there, it's not really the point.

 

Long story short, for those who don't feel like reading the whole, detailed thread: I've complicated feelings for my male best friend. I asked him over a year ago if he wanted something more, he repeatedly said no. We've always had a very deep relationship, and we can talk about pretty much anything. We're so comfortable around each other that we always end up sharing a lot of physical contact, be it playful wrestling or some sweet cuddling. We live far away from each other, but we usually chat daily, even for a couple of hours. Just to be clear, we never were "friends with benefits" or anything of the kind. But we're close enough for it to mess with my head.

 

Rationally, I'm okay with how things are, as we'd probably be unhappy if we actually got together. However, I can't deny I still feel strongly about him, and I'm attracted to him, both mentally and physically. I think he is too, to a certain extent. But that's it. My problem is that I just can't help but feel there's something unresolved about "us", although I'm perfectly aware there never was an "us" to begin with, and it's been making me nervous and anxious. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this kind of in-between relationships. It's like it's more than friendship, but less than romantic love. Does that make any sense?

 

Anyway, obviously I can't handle it, not like this. I've tried to think of ways to have a healthier relationship with him. Here is what I came up with so far:

 

1) Date a new guy I really like.

 

It'd be nice to shift my focus on someone else, even slightly. Unfortunately, I'm a terrible person and I have a really hard time finding people I like, nor I get easily attached. It's just an unlikely possibility for now, though I guess it would be nice. Falling in love is always nice.

 

2) Go NC.

 

Problem is I don't want to, nor I do really feel the need to do so. I mean, it's not that bad. And it's so easy to talk to him, because unlike most people he gets me without really trying, and I get him, on a deeper level, even though we see each other so rarely now. Call me insecure, but I don't think it's something you find everyday with just anyone, and I'm not ready to lose that yet.

 

3) Confront him... on what?

 

I really don't know what should I tell him of any of this. We've discussed about this over and over and over again, it never really led to anything. I don't want to make things awkward again, and I don't think anything he could possibly say could help me.

 

4) He starts to date someone else/We start to talk about other people.

 

This is the one that appeals me the most. If he actually got with someone, I'm sure I'd be upset at first, awfully upset. I'd also be afraid to be put aside, but if he's a good friend as I think he is, that shouldn't happen. After a while, I think I'd like that. At least I'd be like "okay, this is finally completely over, now that he's got someone there is no chance in hell for "us", so I have no choice left but to move on. FINALLY". Right now, I just think, "meh, he's never been interested in anyone, why should it happen now".

 

So, why not try and encourage him to get himself a girlfriend or something? Letting him know I'd be happy if he did? Something along the lines of, "hey, I went out with this nice cute guy last night, it was great. What about you, isn't there anyone you possibly like etc." We never really talked about liking/dating other people. I guess it doesn't help that it would've been awkward, since I said that I liked him and all.

 

... Okay, maybe this sounds stupid and it is, but I feel stuck. Maybe saying out loud that I'm over him, telling him directly, would help me progress a bit. It could help me care a little less or something. I just want to move on without letting him go as a friend, too.

 

Also, before anyone tells me how this guy is totally into me but hasn't realized it yet or has some other issue that prevents him from taking our relationship further – he isn't. I greatly appreciate any help, but please bear with me: this kind of comments would just confuse and hurt me a little because I know it's not true :)

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Probably best if you tried to move on, even if you feel like you do not want too(?). That way your mind is distracted. N/C seems extreme considering your friendship. And nothing bad has truly happened. He may become very upset at a random n/c that could effect your friendship. But whatever helps you feel better. Better to be n/c then badly depressed over what ifs.

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Yes, I agree that No Contact would be too extreme and would kill our friendship, though I'll probably go there if nothing changes in a few months. It sucks every way you look at it.

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