My boyfriend loves me more than I love him
I feel really conflicted. My boyfriend is wonderful, he treats me great, we have so much fun together, and I do care about him deeply, but not as much as he cares about me, and it's making me feel guilty.
We've only been together for a couple of months so it's not like either of us is looking to settle down right this second, but I know he sees it as a possibility for us to do so someday and I just don't. I don't know. I just can't picture a future with him, not that I'm not ready to commit to one now, but I can't even really picture it. And I know this is going to sound really egotistical so I hope I can say this objectively enough because I am just trying to state it as it is, but I'm kind of his ideal type. His friends, his family, he himself have all told me how I'm just exactly what he's always wanted, and that makes me feel terrible, because he is amazing but I don't feel that kind of passion about him. He's only ever had one other relationship before and it was pretty much a train wreck from start to finish, so I think it's amplifying the fact that it's going so well with us now.
I do love him, and I love the time we spend together, but I'm just starting to get so afraid of hurting him and wasting his time that it's bothering me. Part of me wants to just give it time and see if I fall more deeply for him, as I think part of my problem is that in my last relationship we fell in love so fast and so hard and that intensity lasted for such a long time that maybe I'm just not used to a more normal, slower kind of love to build. But the other part of me is afraid that he's just going to keep loving me more and more and I'm not going to love him more and eventually I'm going to have to end it and he'll be so hurt and I'll have wasted his time. He's a few years older than me so he's kind of at a point in his life where he wants to settle down and I have a lot of "me" stuff I want to do before I get there.
I don't want to be without him, and there's no one else I have my eye on or anything. I love being with him and I don't want to end the relationship when we are both currently happy in it but I don't know how to feel about how much he loves me. He's great but I just don't feel overly passionate about the love I have for him.
And as kind of side maybe related maybe unrelated thing, I'm also a little bothered by some of his... openness, I guess? In the other serious relationships I've had we've gotten to that point of comfort where you don't have to try so hard and it's okay to be gross around each other sometimes and all of that and to be more open with your flaws, but he's pretty much done that from the get go and for some reason it bothers me. Like I kind of feel like he skipped over that passionate part of a new relationship and went right in acting like we've been together forever and it sort of bothers me and I can't quite place why.
I don't care that he's starting to lose his hair, I really don't, but the way he kind of just causally says that he is and draws attention to these things so much makes me feel like I'm paying more attention to them now than I ever would have. His weight, his hair, like everything about his appearance he feels self-conscious about he draws my attention to, and I know he's probably just doing it to be reassured, which I do, because I truly don't care and it's not like I couldn't tell most of it before we got together anyway, but the way he draws attention to some of it makes me pay more attention to it than I would.
Also some of his hygiene habits he's like too open with for my taste, talking about needed to clean wax out of his ears and things, I just feel like it's adding to the lack of passion I feel. And I don't really know how to explain because it's not like I'm grossed out by any of these things and if they were things my friends were saying or that other boyfriends I had been with for awhile had said I wouldn't care, but there's something behind the idea that it's my new boyfriend saying things like that to me, I don't know. It feels strange to me. I have more of a dry, darker sense of humor, and while I can be immature at times with the things I find funny I don't really like body humor or bathroom jokes or anything like that, and I don't really like to talk about/hear about people's bathroom habits so that kind of openness with him, while I know many people see it as a sign of intimacy that you can be so comfortable with each other, I'd rather not, especially so soon in a relationship.
Other than that he's perfect, so I don't think that alone is causing the lack of intensity in the love I have for him, but I know it's not helping that fact, and I don't really know what to do about how much more he loves me.
I'm sorry I can't really seem to find the right words to say, I keep trying to rewrite it to get my point across and I feel like I'm falling short of that... hopefully someone can understand me the way Im hoping.