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I am in a relationship... relatively new. We moved in together back in March. We both have ex's. Her ex comes by every second week to pick up kids to take them away for the weekend. No problems there really. Seems like a decent guy. Usually stays for a coffee break for about half an hour to an hour because he has to travel a distance. Kind of makes me uncomfortable that he is here for that long, but I haven't made an issue about it due to the distance he has to travel. My partner usually takes time out to sit and talk to him and some times I do too. Would rather he just picked up the kids and left, but I know there is nothing to worry about and I trust my partner.

 

HOWEVER, just the other day my partner said to me that he had asked to stay the night due to some transportation issues, next time he comes to pick up the kids. And she'd even said it was ok without even consulting me first. I'm confident that there is nothing suspicious about this and that she was just trying to be accommodating to her ex. And of course I would be there too. To me though, I couldn't believe that she or her ex would even contemplate this situation. For me it's just not appropriate for an ex to request to stay the night or for that matter for someone to accommodate their ex in this manner... at least not when they are in a new relationship.

 

I explained to my partner that I was not happy with it and that in my mind it wasn’t appropriate. In the end she apologised and arranged for him to stay somewhere else the night. I appreciate that she did that all though I’m still scratching my head over why she would even consider having him stay the night there at all. The last woman I lived with would have gone off her rocker if I'd even contemplated having my ex stay the night with us!

 

What are people's opinions?

 

Is it ok for her ex to stay the night with us? Is it appropriate? Would you be ok with your partner’s ex staying the night even if you and the kids were there?

 

Am I being old fashioned? Have I made too much of a big deal over this?

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  • 1 year later...
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Trying again with this one as no one responded last time. Would really like to know people's opinions.

 

It's now over a year later. Although we are still a couple we are no longer living together. We still consider ourselves in a relationship though. Tonight I went over to see her to drop my son off for a sleep over with her sons. I was shocked to see her ex sitting in the lounge watching TV. Last she had told me he had decided he no longer wanted to see the kids. I was really pissed that he was there and told her I was not happy. Five minutes later I left without a word. I was just so pissed off.

 

I am very confident that she has no romantic interest in him and is only doing this for the kids sake, but in my mind she is crossing the line. She is now pissed at me saying that I don't trust her. WTF? To me this isn't a matter of trust, it's a matter of respect. She knew from back in July 2012 I did not approve of her ex staying and I made a big issue of it, but here she is, allowing him to stay and it's when I'm not even living in the house?

 

I'm pretty much ready to call the relationship quits as she does not seem to understand that there should be boundaries when it comes to ex's and male friends. I believe that she is disrespecting me and my relationship.

 

What do people think?

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regine_phalange

Hard to say... I'd be very annoyed too, for sure!

 

Maybe she does it for the kids, but at the same time she should be taking your feelings into big account and ask the X to be discreet, since he doesn't seem to have boundaries. Is she a non-assertive person, trying to please everyone and such?

 

On the other hand, having kids with someone is a bond for life... I have this friend, who is 22 years old. Her dad left her mum for another woman, when my friend was 10. In the beginning her mum did not spend time with her dad. But now, the family is weirdly all together again. Mum, dad, new wife, my friend and her half brother. Now they sit all together at a restaurant and eat. Now her mum and dad share a more "brotherly" bond. Her dad can't manage without my friend's mum, because she is the kind of person who is indispensable. But maybe this is not a very common example of how things can develop.

 

I really don't know what is the correct thing to do. Maybe have her explain in detail her actions?

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I believe it is about the kids, although he's one of those dead beat dads who has slacked off on paying child support and just recently said he didn't have time to see the kids. I was surprised to see him there because she was so angry with the guy.

 

She is very stubborn. Like me I guess. She also says time and time again that her kids always come first, which is fair enough, but surely there still has to be some boundaries that you don't cross. There would surely have to be times when you say to your kids, "no, that is not gonna happen because we are no longer a couple. We broke up 8 years ago. So no your dad cannot stay the night because I am with a new man now and he would be upset."

 

Appreciate your opinion by the way.

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I'm pretty much ready to call the relationship quits as she does not seem to understand that there should be boundaries when it comes to ex's and male friends. I believe that she is disrespecting me and my relationship. What do people think?

 

Regardless of how she feels about the ex, she should be respecting your feelings, your relationship, and be willing to enforce some boundaries to keep things in balance. How you feel does matter. People have different tolerance thresholds, so some men might not have issues with her ex being there occasionally to see the kids, however, having him stay the night does not seem "normal" and requires a whole different level of tolerance on your part. Whether it can work depends on all three of the personalities involved, but obviously it's not working for you and she's either not recognizing it or not respecting how you feel.

 

If he's quit paying child support and there is animosity between the two of them, it just seems whacky that she'd be rolling out the hospitality cart and allowing overnight visits as opposed to redoubling efforts to enforce boundaries. You said she's stubborn... do you think that she's being assertive or maybe even passive aggressive toward you? Or is it just carelessness without any intent to rock the boat?

 

In your recent post you said you're about ready to call it quits. Is that only about this issue, or is there also ambivalence about the relationship aside from this? You said you were living together in March but are now living separately... has the relationship not been progressing positivity over the last nine months? Not progressing is a legitimate reason to call it off when you know you need more. The opportunity cost too great. I'd rather be single with the real potential for finding a wonderful relationship than to be comfortably attached but not excited and full of enthusiasm. How are things otherwise?

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Hi, Sal, thanks, I have thought similar stuff and wondered similar stuff. It seems she is very forgiving and lets things slide, but then again so am I. That's been good for us sometimes when we've upset each other, but it does add an additional problem when it comes to her ex and male friends. I think it is carelessness, rather than passive agressive. But then again she has felt that our relationship is in limbo at the moment because there is no knowing if we are gonna move back in together again.

 

There has definitely been many issues in our relationship regarding her male friends and also her kids. She has 5 of them. Mainly issues involving stuff at home caused me to move out. Too much drama and some of the kids are not being taught to respect her or me. She has not respected boundaries in the past and when I make a fuss she often acts like I am the one being unreasonable and untrusting, where is she is just as guilty in those areas. I have come to the conclusion that she will do what she wants to do and to hell with what I think.

 

But mainly I just want to get an opinion from others about the appropriateness of an ex husband sleeping over, even when I am confident she is not a cheater.

 

I have also had a big issue, which I have outlined just recently on this thread, which I see you actually responded to:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/448602-sleazy-guy-back-contact-my-girlfriend

 

If almost feels to me like she no longer considers us in a relationship even though she has always maintained that we are.

Edited by Zaphod B
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Her ex seems pretty pathetic, and does not have his life together very well. A lot of people have trouble saying no to losers, I am sure part of the reason you are with her is because she is a sweet, accommodating person but there are downsides to that character trait as you can plainly see. She may think it's harmless for him to hang out a few minutes there between the two of them, but she should respect your boundaries, and certainly not choose him hanging out at her place over your feelings.

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There has definitely been many issues in our relationship regarding her male friends and also her kids. She has 5 of them. Mainly issues involving stuff at home caused me to move out. Too much drama and some of the kids are not being taught to respect her or me. She has not respected boundaries in the past and when I make a fuss she often acts like I am the one being unreasonable and untrusting, where is she is just as guilty in those areas. I have come to the conclusion that she will do what she wants to do and to hell with what I think.

 

Five kids, weak to nonexistent boundaries with male friends, and a I'll do as I please and your feelings don't count / turn it around at you attitude... Well, I know what I'd be thinking but you have to decide what's right for you and understand exactly what the positives are that make you so adamant about hanging in there. If you were thinking that maybe she will change and everything will just resolve, I'd suggest you rethink that part.

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