Blondie13 Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 (edited) I have been dating a guy for 2 1/2 years and I just found out that he cheated on me. He and I worked together, so our relationship was a secret. I had this weird feeling so I went through his phone and found messages from a girl that we both worked with, talking about the two of them having sex where we worked. I was hurt beyond belief. He and I hadn't had sex in about two months and the affair with he and the other girl was just sex. The other woman was also married. Part of me wants to forgive him and part of me doesn't know if I can. I am 27 and he is a little older 36. I never thought that he would do this to me, it is so out of his character. Sorry if this isn't worded right, this is the first time I have written in something like this and I am very upset right now. So I am wondering, do I forgive him or not?? He says he wants to make it work but I am not sure. Edited July 17, 2012 by Blondie13 Add something Link to post Share on other sites
oldschool1 Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 Sorry that happened to you. That's no fun!! We all have our own codes regarding cheating. Why don't you take a second to think about it? Perhaps you could tell your boyfriend that you need a week or two to reflect on the situation? Not a breakup but a timeout. Once your fight or flight reflex calms down, the answer might become apparent. It's easy for others to say that they'd be able to walk away from a cheater, but that's often not what people actually do. Relationships are complex, and lots of unexpected crises come up. However, it seems particularly concerning that you felt the need to go through his phone. Could there be other cheating episodes? Do you trust him? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blondie13 Posted July 17, 2012 Author Share Posted July 17, 2012 Hi Oldschool1, I did trust him. He had been acting weird with his phone the last few weeks, and I noticed that he had changed the password on his phone a few times. So that's what made me curious, if he was hiding something or not. You are right, most people are saying leave but it isn't that easy. Also, the relationship was rocky we werent having sex and basically acting like friends. I know that's not an excuse for cheating and so does he, but it was a contributor. We both know the communication needs to get better and we are working on that, I also told him that I want access to anything any time I want and he has agreed to that. Thank you for your words Link to post Share on other sites
KungFuJoe Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 Two and a half years and you kept the relationship a secret? What did you expect to happen? If you can't even tell people about your relationship, it's obviously not important enough to remain faithful for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blondie13 Posted July 18, 2012 Author Share Posted July 18, 2012 We had to, we worked together and he was my manager. Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 my bf and i also work together and have kept it secret for over a year because i am his manager, i'm 37 and he's 47, so i understand why you did that and keeping it secret is out of necessity and doesn't reflect on the relationship strength or not. but the cheating does. men cheat (generally) because they are missing something from the current relationship. they have opportunities all the time, so why do they take some and not others? i'd say that the other woman might have offered him more emotional or sexual fulfillment, listened to him, desired him/made him feel special, or just treated him a way you're not, or haven't been. in a 2+ year relationship you're bound to stop doing all the nice things you were at the start. so, although cheating is not ok, ask yourself why he did it - take time to assess the relationship and see if your attitude played a role - maybe you're not as invested in him as you think. the downside is ... can you ever really trust this person again? once trust is broken it's near to impossible to get it back. you'll always find yourself suspicious and questioning. plus, you're in a predicament because how it ends will undoubtably affect your working relationship. imo i wouldn't get back together; cheating is not something you can get over quickly and move on from - you need time and you should ask for that, and he should willingly give it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 End it. This guy has cheated on you, with a coworker who is married. You deserve better and this guy is NOT long term relationship material, let alone husband material. Sorry for your pain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 We had to, we worked together and he was my manager. this is going to be a really messy situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blondie13 Posted July 20, 2012 Author Share Posted July 20, 2012 Thanks everyone. He ended up Quitting and so did she. The relationship had changed over 2 1/2 years, we werent having sex and that is not a reason or an excuse to cheat but that's why he did it. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get the image of the two of them out of my head Link to post Share on other sites
Negative Nancy Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 Part of me wants to forgive him and part of me doesn't know if I can. Do not forgive him, once a cheater always a cheater. You will never get the images out of your head and everytime he has to "work late" (even if it's true) it will make you questioning him again. Give him his walking papers and wish him good luck with his affair, he made his bed now he should lay in it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 Tell her husband if you can too. Nobody deserves that ****. Sorry, I know this really sucks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blondie13 Posted July 23, 2012 Author Share Posted July 23, 2012 Hi dreamingoftigers, I actually did tell her husband and then he threatened to kill me. Not a real stable bunch. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 Hi dreamingoftigers, I actually did tell her husband and then he threatened to kill me. Not a real stable bunch. Yeah, pack of stupid it seems..... Glad you seem to be getting through it okay and realizing it wasn't okay for him to do at all. Link to post Share on other sites
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