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Affair Fog- Is it real? or an excuse?


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TurningTables

Hi all. I dont post alot, but I read here everyday. I also read the Marriage/Infeldelity sections too. I have seen over and over the reference to an "Affair Fog". I wonder where it came from and how it all started. It seems alot of BS believe in this myth. They say their WS were in a "fog" and didnt know what they were doing, basically blaming their actions because they were not thinking clearly. I have also seen where alot of people have stated that after a couple of months of NC, it wears off.

 

Now for my own opinion, I think that the "fog" thing is a bunch of crap! I think that WS use this term to excuse/justify their behavior. You know what you are doing when you step outside of your M or R. Every decision that you make; you know you have thought about it. I mean, honestly, think about how much detail and thought goes into keeping an A going! Sneaking around, lying and making time to see each other while not getting caught! It takes alot of energy to do so.

 

I wanted some other opinions as to this term. It can come from anyone here: OM/OW, BS or a WS or just about anyone who wants to chime in.

 

Thoughts?

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My feelings about "fog" are contradictory.

 

On one hand I do believe the term is used as a excuse by some mp's and also by some bs's to excuse bad behavior or to make it more palpable. For instance in a long term affair I do not buy at all that every action, every decision to go outside the marriage is any kind of fog. Long term affairs are very defined by the ws making continuing decisions every day to lie and sneak around. There is no fog involved, imo.

 

On the other hand a short term affair where one steps outside of reality into fantasy, I can better understand the term being used.

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Certainly, in *any* relationship, there are all manner of chemical things going on which influence us. As with any other influence, it's just that, influence - not control. People choose how they act in response to influences, internal and external.

 

In the manner in which I see "fog" most used in relation to A's, it seems to imply one cannot control these types of influences. It's not true. I see it as blame shifting, an excuse, or a means of dealing with feelings you don't like.

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wellwhynot

It's an excuse that is used to make someone feel better.

If it's used by a WS it's because they don't want to take ownership of their behavior.

If it's used by a BS it's because they don't want to see that it was choices made by their WS.

If it's used by the OW/OM it's because they are making excuses to themself for their actions, again, not taking ownership.

 

I think that all relationships start out "heady" and consuming, but once adulthood is reached you still don't ignore your responsiblities for it. Teenagers do that. So to blame behavior on a "fog" is convenient for all parties, a simple justification backed with pseudo science.

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I think my marriage was a huge "fog" in that I had been conditioned over decades into believing all manner of things that had no basis in reality, a bit like Stockholm Syndrome or "gaslighting". The affair was like a breeze of fresh air that helped shift that fog to allow the sunshine in so that I could see things how they really were and make decisions on that basis.

 

So in my experience there was no affair fog, no. The affair was the opposite of fog, it provided a welcome glimpse of reality.

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I've seen the fog demonstrated repeatedly, both in person, and here on LS.

 

It simply means a lack of an ability to think rationally because you're overwhelmed emotionally.

 

Here's the thing...that "fog" is never an excuse for the actions committed while the person is "foggy".

 

It's simply a way of looking at how confused both mentally and emotionally a person caught up in an affair becomes.

 

I've also heard it called 'being beamed up to the Mother Ship'...and frankly I don't honestly believe there were alien abudctors involved in it either.

 

Doesn't matter what "name" you call it...if you find the term "fog" inappropriate, term it " temporary lack of mental clarity due to overwhelming emotional conflict" instead. It's equally as accurate.

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TurningTables
It's an excuse that is used to make someone feel better.

If it's used by a WS it's because they don't want to take ownership of their behavior.

If it's used by a BS it's because they don't want to see that it was choices made by their WS.

If it's used by the OW/OM it's because they are making excuses to themself for their actions, again, not taking ownership.

 

I think that all relationships start out "heady" and consuming, but once adulthood is reached you still don't ignore your responsiblities for it. Teenagers do that. So to blame behavior on a "fog" is convenient for all parties, a simple justification backed with pseudo science.

 

 

I couldnt agree with the bolded above more. As a fOW, I made the decision each time I talked, text,phoned, saw xMM. Each step I thought about before I did it. To hear someone say, Oh honey,its ok! You were just in a "fog" state of mind and its not your fault it basically ignoring the real reason why the WS wandered in the first place. In my mind, how this helping solve the actual problems?

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TurningTables
I've seen the fog demonstrated repeatedly, both in person, and here on LS.

 

It simply means a lack of an ability to think rationally because you're overwhelmed emotionally.

 

Here's the thing...that "fog" is never an excuse for the actions committed while the person is "foggy".

 

It's simply a way of looking at how confused both mentally and emotionally a person caught up in an affair becomes.

 

I've also heard it called 'being beamed up to the Mother Ship'...and frankly I don't honestly believe there were alien abudctors involved in it either.

 

Doesn't matter what "name" you call it...if you find the term "fog" inappropriate, term it " temporary lack of mental clarity due to overwhelming emotional conflict" instead. It's equally as accurate.

 

 

Owl, I understand what you are saying, however, what I dont understand is that with all the "clever" lying, gaslighting,sneaking and orchestrating that goes into an A, how can someone say that they were not thinking clearly? Obviously they were thinking clearly enough to put all the above planning into place?

Are you saying that the emotional over-rides everything in their train of thoughts? In other words like a drug addict: get the high, get the high, get the high?

Edited by TurningTables
added question..for clarity
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Sorry to disagree, Owl, but I'm not a believer in the "fog", in any form, especially in a long-term affair, as the OP points out, there are simply too many bad choices being acted upon, for it to be anything other than deliberate. I can readily understand why people believe in it though. It's like saying, "the devil made me do it", it assuages the ego of the BS and lessens the guilt of the WS and OP. Even in a ONS, several bad choices are being made, and boundaries set aside, for it to be anything less than a rational act.

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wellwhynot
I couldnt agree with the bolded above more. As a fOW, I made the decision each time I talked, text,phoned, saw xMM. Each step I thought about before I did it. To hear someone say, Oh honey,its ok! You were just in a "fog" state of mind and its not your fault it basically ignoring the real reason why the WS wandered in the first place. In my mind, how this helping solve the actual problems?

Exactly. I have been accused of trying to blame the BS when I say that it is ignoring the real reason or problem that the WS wandered. There may not be a shred of reason that the BS should take on her/himself. It may not have had a thing to do with them. They could have been a textbook perfect spouse and done everything EXACTLY the right way for the person that they were married to, so of course it isn't their fault... but if someone cheats, there is a problem somewhere. Blaming a metaphysical fog instead of trying to find where that problem is, or better yet forcing that person to find where the problem may be IN THEM would be a much better use of time.

Affair fog is a convenient fiction (someone else used that term recently and I think it's appropriate here) because it lets people justify and be lazy. That's my opinion.

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Here's my perspective...

 

"Fog" describes the inability to think long term, to think rationally about the picture overall.

 

It doesn't in any way mitigate responsibilities for the deliberate choices and actions there were made during the affair.

 

I agree that affair partner's are very focused on making short term decisions to continue and maintain the affair...but their ability think clearly about long term repercussions and work through all of that is often severly compromised by their short term focus on the affair itself.

 

As I've said on another thread...I can agree to disagree on this. Not everyone has to see it my way. Personally, I've seen enough to convince me that it's as "real" as the "fog of war". It's very, very similar in fact.

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but if someone cheats, there is a problem somewhere.

 

Agreed. I think where the dispute begins is with where, specifically, that problem is at.

 

The ASSUMPTION is that the problem is the marriage...my experience has led me to believe that the problem is nearly always endemic to the WS themselves. The very 'issues' internally that led them to the choice to cheat are typically the same key issues that pre-existed...the same "problem" that you refer to, in fact.

 

It's easy to blame "the other relationship" as being deficient when you're hoping to have a relationship of your own with the MM/MW.

 

Now...there are exceptions, as I'm sure Radagast will immediately point out. But it's RARE that the MM/MW has a spouse who is apparently borderline psychotic, as R's wife comes across from his posts.

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If 'fog' could be inferred to be a lack of clarity, I did note that lack to resolve in MC, as we attended while I was EA and I observed the changes in perception and relevant feelings from week to week over many months. Is it that way for everyone? Doubtful. Would it have resolved or would I have noticed a 'fog' if not for MC? Perhaps. As it was, it worked out well.

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wellwhynot
Agreed. I think where the dispute begins is with where, specifically, that problem is at.

 

The ASSUMPTION is that the problem is the marriage...my experience has led me to believe that the problem is nearly always endemic to the WS themselves. The very 'issues' internally that led them to the choice to cheat are typically the same key issues that pre-existed...the same "problem" that you refer to, in fact.

 

It's easy to blame "the other relationship" as being deficient when you're hoping to have a relationship of your own with the MM/MW.

 

Now...there are exceptions, as I'm sure Radagast will immediately point out. But it's RARE that the MM/MW has a spouse who is apparently borderline psychotic, as R's wife comes across from his posts.

It may very well be in the WS, and it may have been there all along. That's why I have an issue with anything being attributed to an affair fog, or anything else you want to call it. I have found that if you give things a name that can be used as a "scapegoat" so to speak, people will jump at that way out of hot water. I think it allows people to justify actions and whitewash what really happened.

I guess maybe I shoudln't say it isn't real. The feelings of euphoria and such do exist, but they don't control someone's actions,

 

I think a good analogy here is this...

Driving While Intoxicated

Drinking impairs your judgement.

If you are going to go out and drink and you have not made the choice to leave your vehicle at home, then when you make the decision to call a cab or drive home later whichever decision you may make, the decision you make will not be made with as clear a head as you would have, had you simply not driven to the party in the first place.

If you drive and you get a DWI you are still responsible for your actions, being impaired while you made the decision to drive doesn't excuse you.

You knew what choice you may be making when you picked up the keys to leave the house before you ever consumed any alcohol.

 

So, if the "affair fog" impairs your judgement (as claimed)

and you made the decision to have an affair despite feeling that it might be wrong, then if you are in the "affair fog" when you text, call, sleep over, go on vacation with your AP you are still responsible for those actions.

You knew what choice you may be making before you ever crossed the line.

Right or Wrong... you knew that there could/would be consequences and to try and blame your "impairment" because you made the choice to engage in the activity is ridiculous... and yet that's what people try and use the term "affair fog" for.

 

DISCLAIMER:And yes. I know, I just compared having an affair to drunk driving, but I also never said having an affair was the right thing to do. It doesn't mean I haven't made the choice to have one.

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Hi all. I dont post alot, but I read here everyday. I also read the Marriage/Infeldelity sections too. I have seen over and over the reference to an "Affair Fog". I wonder where it came from and how it all started. It seems alot of BS believe in this myth. They say their WS were in a "fog" and didnt know what they were doing, basically blaming their actions because they were not thinking clearly. I have also seen where alot of people have stated that after a couple of months of NC, it wears off.

 

Now for my own opinion, I think that the "fog" thing is a bunch of crap! I think that WS use this term to excuse/justify their behavior. You know what you are doing when you step outside of your M or R. Every decision that you make; you know you have thought about it. I mean, honestly, think about how much detail and thought goes into keeping an A going! Sneaking around, lying and making time to see each other while not getting caught! It takes alot of energy to do so.

 

I wanted some other opinions as to this term. It can come from anyone here: OM/OW, BS or a WS or just about anyone who wants to chime in.

 

Thoughts?

 

For the most part I don’t buy into the idea of ‘the fog’ but I do believe that people do strange things, unnatural to their base line personality, when they are under stress or in personal crisis. This is where I believe some of the idea of ‘fog’ comes from.

 

But it’s not an excuse or a justification.

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I say it's real but it's no excuse. It's a feeling, like being in love. Remember when you were in love and how you could view everything through rose colored glasses? He or she became your focus, your priority. All you thought about was her or him. Same thing goes if your emotions run high in an affair. Still, it is a feeling. You can't use your feelings as an excuse to do wrong. You can choose to end the affair no matter how you feel. The fog will lift eventually.

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It is the release of chemicals like any time you fall in love. No one says you are in a fog then. It is a silly name to do . . . . what? I have no idea. I was heady with the emotions but I wasn't in a fog.

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So, if the "affair fog" impairs your judgement (as claimed)

and you made the decision to have an affair despite feeling that it might be wrong, then if you are in the "affair fog" when you text, call, sleep over, go on vacation with your AP you are still responsible for those actions.

You knew what choice you may be making before you ever crossed the line.

Right or Wrong... you knew that there could/would be consequences and to try and blame your "impairment" because you made the choice to engage in the activity is ridiculous... and yet that's what people try and use the term "affair fog" for.

 

DISCLAIMER:And yes. I know, I just compared having an affair to drunk driving, but I also never said having an affair was the right thing to do. It doesn't mean I haven't made the choice to have one.

 

I think I've found the source of our disagreemant.

 

It's not that the "affair fog" impairs your judgement...

 

It's that the term "affair fog" is a term used to DESCRIBE OR NAME that impaired judgement. The judgement isn't impaired BY the "fog"...it's impaired by the highly emotional situation created by the affair...the impaired judgement IS the "fog".

 

And you don't have to call it "fog"...but it's very, very evident (to me at least) that the vast majority of folks who "find" themselves in an affair most certainly have "impaired judgement".

 

I don't care if you call it a peanut butter sandwhich...if you find the term silly, coin another one or don't use it at all. I don't get why people get offended by the use of the term "fog" to describe a very common thing...impaired judgement and lack of mental clarity when involved in a highly emotional situation.

 

I'd further comment that it's not JUST infidelity that can cause it. The death of a family member or close friend, a massive and sudden life change, etc...

 

And I agree with Sandy's comment...it's still no excuse for your actions during the affair.

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This "fog", you are speaking of, is nothing more than delusion. The BS deludes him/herself to lessen the pain of betrayal and give them some hope that the cheater is still their loving and loyal spouse, and the victim of some nefarious outside agency. The WS deludes him/herself, to assuage their guilt and convince themselves that "it wasn't who they really are", and again blames the boogie man. The OM deludes him/herself into believing that their actions are not harming anybody and that they have no moral responsibility for the affair. The idea of some mythical "fog", is symptomatic of 21st Century social ideology. Everybody is a victim and nobody is truly guilty. That's why we speak of closure instead of Justice and freedom instead of responsibility. "Fog", is moral cowardice, at it's finest, and a CHOICE, like every other human activity

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This "fog", you are speaking of, is nothing more than delusion. The BS deludes him/herself to lessen the pain of betrayal and give them some hope that the cheater is still their loving and loyal spouse, and the victim of some nefarious outside agency. The WS deludes him/herself, to assuage their guilt and convince themselves that "it wasn't who they really are", and again blames the boogie man. The OM deludes him/herself into believing that their actions are not harming anybody and that they have no moral responsibility for the affair. The idea of some mythical "fog", is symptomatic of 21st Century social ideology. Everybody is a victim and nobody is truly guilty. That's why we speak of closure instead of Justice and freedom instead of responsibility. "Fog", is moral cowardice, at it's finest, and a CHOICE, like every other human activity

 

For people who try to use 'the fog' to rationalize/justify/avoid responsibility for their actions during an affair...I would totally agree with you.

 

As a lot of us have stated...it doesn't excuse their actions nor give them a "bye" for their affair nor what they did/said during it.

 

It simply describes their confusion and mental chaos while they were in the affair...without excusing their actions or behavior.

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For me, it was only when I was coming out of the fog that I saw I had been in it. I am wholly responsible for my affair, no excuses whatsoever. But I do know that whilst I was in the affair, I was as good as incapable of thinking long-term - I was in one almighty mess by my own doing and whilst I wanted the mess to end, I also chose to stay in it. Completely irrational. My decisions were pretty much all short-term and about self-preservation.

 

I was like a rabbit caught in the headlights and not knowing which way to turn.

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I, too, agree that the "fog" is a very easy excuse, it's a free "get out of jail card".

 

It makes it easier for the BS to swallow that their spouse had an affair, if they can blame it on "the fog". Then they don't have to accept, simply, that their spouse, willfully chose,, over and over, to deceive and betray them. Blame it on the "fog".

 

In my 20 month affair, I know my xMM thought a lot of getting us together, from inviting me on trips, to planning weeks in advance when he would leave his office early so we could spend more time together. He extended trips we had already planned, he invited me to events, ... He also did a lot of soul searching, writing and journaling throughout the process even to the extent that he made a list of pros and cons regarding me v. his wife. He was NOT in a"fog". It was all deliberate. Every step of the way.

 

Did we feel giddy, happy to be together, did we count down the days until we saw each other? Yep, we sure did because we were falling in love. It's the same whenever you fall in love. All the same feelings, chemicals are released. Your brain chemicals don't know "who" you're falling in love with, your brain chemicals know you're falling in love. Period.

 

It's also an easy phrase for a counselor, "look, see Mr Cheater was in a fog. All better". Total crap.

 

And the cheaters use it to to explain away their behavior.

 

To be in an affair, is a willful choice over and over and over. And anybody that doesn't accept that cheating behavior for what it really is, is just fooling themselves. It all comes down to truth. Anyone refusing to accept the real truth and blindly excusing the behavior as a "fog" is just kidding themselves. I suspect in many cases, once the "fog routine" is bought by the BS, the cheater must think, "wow, that was easy". Completely dysfunctional. Now it's all better because my spouse was really not in control, he was taken over by "the fog". Laughable.

 

People will go through a lot of mental gymnastics to avoid reality. It's quite sad.

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Bellechica

It felt real to me. The endorphins in my brain made me insane! I was so out of control and not thinking logically. It wasn't until I did my own research that I learned how, biologically, I had become addicted to the A. Knowing and understanding what was happening to me physiologically helped me quit, but, I was in a major fog and confused during that time.

Just my opinion, but the "fog" is a chemical reaction in the brain, similar to other "feel good" addictions. It makes logical people do stupid stuff.

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It is the release of chemicals like any time you fall in love. No one says you are in a fog then. It is a silly name to do . . . . what? I have no idea. I was heady with the emotions but I wasn't in a fog.

 

But when those heady emotions pass, and you have that "what the heck was I thinking?" feeling....that's the fog.

 

That is not exclusive to affairs, nor is it universal among affairs. But it does seem common enough with affairs to acknowledge it.

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