Real life A "statistics"

[East7]

Ok, I thought to start a discussion topic about the A in real life of your friends, acquaintances etc.

 

My close friends know that I was involved with a married woman and what has surprised me the most is that something like half of my friends has been involved with someone married at some point. I have friends of any "representation" : a serial OW who was a MW, two fOW, and two fOM.

 

I thought I was an "exception", that it is more often a women thing, that women are more "tolerant" to getting involved with MM but in reality I have male friends who have been involved with MW as well.

 

Real life experiences around me has confirmed two things :

 

- In most of the cases married people don't leave ! (marriage is not something that people end easily)

- Even when they leave, the AP is more likely used as a temporary partner, they use the affair as an exit relationship to avoid conflict at home during the separation/divorce process. The most surprising is that the AP is thrown as an used rug after MM/MW divorce! The long-waited award becomes an award for someone else..Ironic!

- ALL my friends former AP are disappointed and regret their A.

- Most of them think it was a huge waste of time and feelings and a very poor choice.

- None of them wants to talk about it! They have only shared their experience when I told them I was involved with a MW.

 

The consensus is that :

- Married people are "easy" to get involved and may be VERY seductive when they crave attention.

- One word comes ALL the time to describe it : ESCAPE. They were all told beautiful words, bu t no one had more than stolen moments.

[East7]

To make it more clear, the Topic is about :

 

- Have you been told affair experiences from your friends, relatives etc..

- What have you learnt from that ?

 

I summarized the information and conclusion I have had from real life affairs. Not that those on LS are "virtual" but what I read on LS confirms real life experiences. One big conclusion is that there are very few, not to say none, "happy ending" affairs.

 

As all the former APs I thought my A was special, and wanted so much to have my "happy ending" with xMW. Now when I think about that, I can't believe I was so madly in love and so silly

[MissBee]

If one wants "real" A statistics, then if one has access to academic journals one can search electronic journals for studies and articles done on infidelity to find statistics, and of course different studies will focus on certain aspects and use certain populations. You can find anything you want in that regard: from infidelity among older adults, younger, men vs. women, Americans vs. non-Americans etc. So that is a great way to find out "real statistics".

 

I gather East is asking about real life experiences of people we know personally and their involvement in As and what we can gather from those observations...which is not a scientific study, but interesting nonetheless.

 

Well for me: my dad is a serial cheater, he is still married to my mother and indeed never left to be with the OW. Most A stories I know and have heard about involve my parents and their friends and people in their age group. Most recent was an older man at their church, who I am close with as he acts as almost a godfather to me, whose wife was cheating on him and then he tried to reconcile but she kept seeing the OM so her husband moved out, bought a new house and has asked her for a divorce. I have no clue if she and her OM are together, as her husband has not contacted her and her OM is also married himself and he has also been in relationships with other MW. Listening to them talk about who is cheating on who and so forth, most of these people I know in passing and see around and I observe the same too East, they are still married to each other. It can be quite disheartening as it sometimes seems like "everyone" is cheating, yet they all still remain married.

 

The culture I'm from (I live in America mind you, but am not originally from here and so have lots of contact with an immigrant community), cheating seems to be the norm for men and what women worry about is being "the wife". OW are tolerated or ignored, as "the wife" position is the venerated and coveted title. So with most of the people I know, cheating is not uncommon but it is mostly done with the "understanding" that one is not a replacement for the wife and if the primary relationship is threatened you will be dropped. Women cheating on their husbands is less accepted and women who do so are looked down upon.

 

My A was not with a married person but with someone who had a LTR that included a child. As far as I know, only one of my friends is currently involved with a married man and I don't know any who have been before, I also think our ages have a lot to do with it as most of my friends are not as yet married so perhaps many don't date other people who are likely to be married. The friend who is, she is older than I am by about 7 years. When she discusses her relationship it reminds me of my former A and the stories on LS...i.e. her MM wants to stay for his kid, she assumes his wife "must know" although he has never actually told her, his wife even asked him to divorce and he hasn't, she is supposedly "happy" although she keeps hoping he changes things and then one minute she is glowing when he does something sweet yet upset when although he does sweet things, the major thing she wants him to do- divorce and marry her so they can live together and not hide their relationship-he won't do it. The A has been ongoing for 4 years, and based on what she says, he is in no way closer to being divorced yet she waits....

 

Basically, all the real life people I know, myself included, I have found the similar conclusions as you have and what I see on LS pretty much mimics the experiences or rhetoric of those I know in real life.

Edited May 19, 2012 by MissBee

[MissBee]

I am trying to think of an A turned normal relationship that I know in real life...I am telling myself, there must be one, but the fact that it doesn't readily jump out, yet I can tell you many many many more that did not turn out that way, pretty much reflect LS as well. Except how it works here is that the OW/OM who come here and end up with the MP stand out, and if people are looking for that, everyone can point out the 5 (saying a random number) that fit that profile, because it is not that common. Yet to point out those that don't work...it is innumerable.

Edited May 19, 2012 by MissBee

[East7]

Thanks for the input Missbee.

 

I live in Europe and I think there are many clichés about how americans think it is different. In fact it is not very different. One of those is about the legendary french mistresses..In our days, in Europe affairs are not more tolerated than in US, cheating is cheating everywhere ! And BW are no more tolerant or "understanding" than in US.

Here, when people are faced with a D-day they mostly tempt to fix the marriage rather than leave. The biggest difference here is that MC is almost un-existing and people don't have much professional guidance into fixing their issues, thus many marriages never really recover from the A or end up in divorce after a few years.

[Stoneman70]

I wonder what the statistics are for affairs where both parties are married, not just one. Are your friends married who had affairs or single? I think that makes a difference somewhat....it makes you look at it differently.

I don't regret my affair because it taught me more about love, I met a great woman, and we have great memories. It was hard and stressful so it had to end, but love is love...thats my opinion. Everyone's experience is different.

I think you are right it happens (affairs) more often than people think.

[East7]

Are your friends married who had affairs or single? I think that makes a difference somewhat....it makes you look at it differently.

 

All my friends who admitted about getting involved with married people, were single at that time - except one who was a serial MW.

 

I think affairs between married people are different because they both don't expect the other to leave. The dynamics are different.

[Stoneman70]

Yes, I think so. Although I did hope S would leave her husband...I really hoped she would. I even remember saying just divorce him if you aren't happy. I thought if she did that,it would be easier..then I could divorce, and we would be together. I think later knowing she was martied too made it easier to leave. As much as I loved her, i didn't want to break up het marriage in the end. i felt bad. The love was so strong, but i wanted her to see if her marriage could make it, and to tell truth, I couldn't handle thinking of her with him. I had to see if my marriage could work too.

[MissBee]

I have read many posts on LS stating that 99% of all post divorce relationships that started as affairs fail. Seems to me that 99% of ALL relationships fail if marriage is the ultimate sign of success.

 

How many people have you dated and how many have you married? If you have dated and you have not married, then 100% of your relationships have failed.

 

Also, another much bandied quote is that most marriages that came from affairs won't be disclosed as such.

 

Huh? I'm not sure what this has to do with what I said. I don't know anything about this LS statistic of 99% of divorce relationships failing etc.

 

On the topic of East's original post, which is about real life A statistics and observations, I'm saying I don't know a couple in my own realm of people I know, whether closely or in passing, who were in an A that transitioned into an out in the open relationship. Whether they broke up 1 week after it was in the open or 10 years after isn't the point. The point is that at some point it stopped being an A and became regular, whether they later broke up isn't relevant. It only matters that at some point the relationship moved from A to "normal" for at least a period of time where all knew and it was no longer an A dynamic and secret. With that criteria, I simply know none whose relationships started as an A period.

 

I am still however trying to think about if I'm missing any family friend or parent's friend or anyone who that was the case for them.

Edited May 19, 2012 by MissBee

[MissBee]

Thanks for the input Missbee.

 

I live in Europe and I think there are many clichés about how americans think it is different. In fact it is not very different. One of those is about the legendary french mistresses..In our days, in Europe affairs are not more tolerated than in US, cheating is cheating everywhere ! And BW are no more tolerant or "understanding" than in US.

Here, when people are faced with a D-day they mostly tempt to fix the marriage rather than leave. The biggest difference here is that MC is almost un-existing and people don't have much professional guidance into fixing their issues, thus many marriages never really recover from the A or end up in divorce after a few years.

 

It's great to hear another perspective from someone from another cultural milieu. The bolded is particularly interesting.

 

But I liked wellwhynot's idea of coming up with our own study on LS, based on people putting their honest experiences of the people they know in affairs now or who have been and what the factors were and what happened. It is not a scientific study, but certainly, the experiences of real people can be laid out here to at least begin to formulate a picture or see any common trends.

[Lostinlife4now]

To make it more clear, the Topic is about :

 

- Have you been told affair experiences from your friends, relatives etc..

- What have you learnt from that ?

 

I summarized the information and conclusion I have had from real life affairs. Not that those on LS are "virtual" but what I read on LS confirms real life experiences. One big conclusion is that there are very few, not to say none, "happy ending" affairs.

 

As all the former APs I thought my A was special, and wanted so much to have my "happy ending" with xMW. Now when I think about that, I can't believe I was so madly in love and so silly

 

 

There are 4 women in my crowd....I am one of them....We all have cheated....some for as long as 17 years...and 3 of them are still married, 1 is divorced...

 

 

MM/MW who cross the line want variety, substance, adoration, great sex, different, a kisser....so on....But the consensus is THEY DON"T LEAVE.. THE ROOTS ARE TOO DEEP.... as one girlfriend puts it.

 

They are where they want to be. Just bored....but not enough to give up what the have....Am I making any sense?

[East7]

They are where they want to be. Just bored....but not enough to give up what the have....Am I making any sense?

 

You are ! I wish someone hammered this every morning and every night when I was in the A myself.

[Lostinlife4now]

You are ! I wish someone hammered this every morning and every night when I was in the A myself.

 

 

But you know it now East.....so it was hammered into you! It took me a long time to figure it out also.....

[LadyGrey]

From a personal standpoint and history. I have had some friends who have some infidelity in their history either as the ow or the ws. I don't recall anyone that I was close with at that time actively engaged in an affair. My family history is muddied by my father. His 1st affair started when I was 9 and carried on this affair off and on till I was in my mid 20's. He never left my mother for her and both her and my mother allowed him to go back and forth many times and I see that as very weak and needy on their parts. When I became an adult I found out that there were numerous other affairs for him so he was a serial cheater. In my early 30's he and my mother finally divorced. He left my mother for a a new ow, who didn't know that she was the ow and he married her. He died about 3 years later from cirrhosis of the liver caused by booze. He was not a happy man and had many regrets.

 

My own history, well I wish I could say it was untouched, but it's not.

[East7]

Yes, I think so. Although I did hope S would leave her husband...I really hoped she would. I even remember saying just divorce him if you aren't happy. I thought if she did that,it would be easier..then I could divorce, and we would be together. I think later knowing she was martied too made it easier to leave. As much as I loved her, i didn't want to break up het marriage in the end. i felt bad. The love was so strong, but i wanted her to see if her marriage could make it, and to tell truth, I couldn't handle thinking of her with him. I had to see if my marriage could work too.

 

I am a little off topic, but just a side-comment:

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but I think ,there is a lot of hypocrisy when it is an affair between 2 married people.

 

As a single OM, I really wanted a future with MW, I was willing to face all the barriers, be a stepdad to her kid, move away..anything, just to be with her! Now I see clearer how married people stay where they want to stay OR are too cowards to change the status-quo. All the excuses are BS***.

 

When it happens that they are both married, I guess they are both synchronized in their excuses. They claim so much love, yet no one wants to move, no one wants to leave homes, assets etc. The affair between 2 married people is like signing mutually for a cake-eating agreement. It is also the most disastrous affair type because, when one of the partners leaves, very often the other doesn't so the divorced AP finds himself double looser.

[East7]

My aunt's (now ex) H had an A with an OW. I think she was single during their A. There was a D-day, but I don't remember if she kicked him out or if he chose to leave. He ended up marrying the OW and they later divorced. It wasn't a long marriage, less than 5 years, maybe just a couple. That's been a lot of years ago so I don't remember the specifics anymore.

 

I know of two situations...

 

my brother had an affair, and went on to marry his affair partner, but it didn't last ( they were both married during the affair). I think it's because they both thought that the marriage was causing their problems, and that once their marriges ended and they were together, things would be fine...they weren't.

 

the other situation is a woman who left her husband and three kids to go and live on the other side of the country with her affair partner , but never actually divorced her husband. Now she's pregnant (with the OM? ), but they still aren't divorced. I don't know exactly what the story is there, but she says she isn't happy with her new guy and talks about coming home to her husband

 

 

This illustrates that the "happily ever after" doesn't happen when MPs leave for the wrong reasons. Many of them think that it is the BS who makes them unhappy while in fact they aren't happy withing themselves, hence they reproduce the same scheme when they (finally) are with the former AP. Also jumping from a relationship to another without a transitional time isn't something I see as healthy.

[Confused4Now]

When it happens that they are both married, I guess they are both synchronized in their excuses. They claim so much love, yet no one wants to move, no one wants to leave homes, assets etc. The affair between 2 married people is like signing mutually for a cake-eating agreement. It is also the most disastrous affair type because, when one of the partners leaves, very often the other doesn't so the divorced AP finds himself double looser.

yup this would certainly be me....I was with my xMW for 2 years before I left my marriage and yes it's true what East says. I knew I should have left my marriage sooner cause I made excuses and it wasn't time for me...yes I was a cake eater for 2 years...however once I was ready I moved onto D. All the time hoping my xMW would do the same. She did not....I left my marriage in beginning of '08 and D for 3 years now. She made contact with me after a year of NC and nothing has been done on her part. Still the same excuses I used when I was married.

[y2k]

As a single OM, I really wanted a future with MW, I was willing to face all the barriers, be a stepdad to her kid, move away..anything, just to be with her! Now I see clearer how married people stay where they want to stay OR are too cowards to change the status-quo. All the excuses are BS***.

 

Women almost never go backwards lifestyle-wise. Were you able to provide provide, more or less, the same standard of living economically speaking as her H??? Did you have any future prospects of doing just as well (or better) than her H???

 

If the answers to those question are "no", then congrats..........because you just found the reason why she didn't leave. Potential lifestyle change is a huge factor. If you could "compete" with the H in that aspect, and if you could have a future, standard of living speaking, the same or better than the H, then one can "steal a wife away" so to speak.

 

- Sometimes people really stay for the kids (it's hard to tell if bs*** or genuine excuse)

- Unfortunately, sometimes MPs don't see their AP as a decent life partner even when they are free to have them 100%. I think this is related to the fact that some of former MP see their A with regret and disgust, hence loose respect for the person who was involved with them.

 

The "kids" thing is an excuse, and a poor one at that. If parents separate, that doesn't mean a child loses one parent. If a women were to leave her husband for another man, then the father of that child is still the father of that child either way. Relationship status of the parents should make no difference in parenting. Those are two different distinct things. It's 2012, NOT 1950.

 

Ok my observations:

 

I have know a few women who have left their husbands to be with another man. So far, those marriages are working fine except for one. The women, in those cases, left for men with about equal earning power (standard of living) in comparison with the betrayed husbands with ONE exception (which I will explain later). There was no extreme change in standard of living. All the women already had children with the BS during the A, and when they divorced their husbands, they all had new children with their new husbands, and kept custody of their other children.

 

Economics plays a big role. If the H of the MW is a professional and you're not, then don't be shocked if she doesn't budge.

 

As for the "exception" I mentioned, the OM still had a legit future ahead of him:

 

It was a young 22 year old college student who stole away a 39 year old woman from a man who was a professional making $80,000 a year. The woman also worked, but didn't make great money to be on her own. She went wild for the younger guy, and she knew he would have an economic future comparable to her husband's in time. Needless to say, the affair happened, and she left her husband (full divorce) to be with the younger man. They got married (pretty quickly). At first, the younger guy made beginner salary ($45,000-$55,000) as he finished college and became a professional. But after a few years, he was able to give the woman the same standard of living as she had with her ex-husband, since a professional can "climb the ladder" economically so to speak. Today they're REALLY happy, and it's been like 8 years already.

 

In this case, the OM was not up to the same level as the H economically speaking at first..............but since he had a bright future (of which the MW knew about), the young man had a chance. Then there's the other factor in case you didn't notice.........the guy was WAY younger. This brings me to another factor that can help an OM/OW...

 

If you're significantly younger than the MW/MM, don't be so shocked if the MW/MM falls head-over-heels in love with you to the point of that person re-evaluating their future, especially if they realize that you could be legit. And if you're a man, combine being really younger with a potential to have a legit standard-of-living comparable to the H and you've got a nice 50/50 shot to steal the wife.

 

Yes....age can be a factor. Being younger can be an advantage.....a HUGE one. How many older men leave their wives of the same age to go run off with a younger hotter girl??? And don't think women wouldn't do it either given the opportunity. It's just that most older married women don't get to meet hotter professional younger men at the same rate that married men meet hotter younger women. But if an older married woman were to meet such a man who shares legit feelings for her, don't be shocked if her marriage breaks, and a new one (with the younger man) were to be born, ESPECIALLY if there were problems in the original marriage to begin with.

 

I bet most of the OM/OW here on loveshack were basically in the same age range as their MW/MM. And of the OM, I bet most weren't with the potential to have an economic future comparable with the H. This is why the cases here of "stealing the spouses away" didn't work. Consider these facts.

 

Just my two cents. Any thoughts???

Edited May 20, 2012 by y2k

[Got it]

Ok, I thought to start a discussion topic about the A in real life of your friends, acquaintances etc.

 

My close friends know that I was involved with a married woman and what has surprised me the most is that something like half of my friends has been involved with someone married at some point. I have friends of any "representation" : a serial OW who was a MW, two fOW, and two fOM.

 

I thought I was an "exception", that it is more often a women thing, that women are more "tolerant" to getting involved with MM but in reality I have male friends who have been involved with MW as well.

 

Real life experiences around me has confirmed two things :

 

- In most of the cases married people don't leave ! (marriage is not something that people end easily)

- Even when they leave, the AP is more likely used as a temporary partner, they use the affair as an exit relationship to avoid conflict at home during the separation/divorce process. The most surprising is that the AP is thrown as an used rug after MM/MW divorce! The long-waited award becomes an award for someone else..Ironic!

- ALL my friends former AP are disappointed and regret their A.

- Most of them think it was a huge waste of time and feelings and a very poor choice.

- None of them wants to talk about it! They have only shared their experience when I told them I was involved with a MW.

 

The consensus is that :

- Married people are "easy" to get involved and may be VERY seductive when they crave attention.

- One word comes ALL the time to describe it : ESCAPE. They were all told beautiful words, bu t no one had more than stolen moments.

 

I am sorry that has been your observation. In my world it hasn't been quite like this. For many the affair was never found out and many are still together.

[Got it]

Women almost never go backwards lifestyle-wise. Were you able to provide provide, more or less, the same standard of living economically speaking as her H??? Did you have any future prospects of doing just as well (or better) than her H???

 

If the answers to those question are "no", then congrats..........because you just found the reason why she didn't leave. Potential lifestyle change is a huge factor. If you could "compete" with the H in that aspect, and if you could have a future, standard of living speaking, the same or better than the H, then one can "steal a wife away" so to speak.

 

 

 

The "kids" thing is an excuse, and a poor one at that. If parents separate, that doesn't mean a child loses one parent. If a women were to leave her husband for another man, then the father of that child is still the father of that child either way. Relationship status of the parents should make no difference in parenting. Those are two different distinct things. It's 2012, NOT 1950.

 

Ok my observations:

 

I have know a few women who have left their husbands to be with another man. So far, those marriages are working fine except for one. The women, in those cases, left for men with about equal earning power (standard of living) in comparison with the betrayed husbands with ONE exception (which I will explain later). There was no extreme change in standard of living. All the women already had children with the BS during the A, and when they divorced their husbands, they all had new children with their new husbands, and kept custody of their other children.

 

Economics plays a big role. If the H of the MW is a professional and you're not, then don't be shocked if she doesn't budge.

 

As for the "exception" I mentioned, the OM still had a legit future ahead of him:

 

It was a young 22 year old college student who stole away a 39 year old woman from a man who was a professional making $80,000 a year. The woman also worked, but didn't make great money to be on her own. She went wild for the younger guy, and she knew he would have an economic future comparable to her husband's in time. Needless to say, the affair happened, and she left her husband (full divorce) to be with the younger man. They got married (pretty quickly). At first, the younger guy made beginner salary ($45,000-$55,000) as he finished college and became a professional. But after a few years, he was able to give the woman the same standard of living as she had with her ex-husband, since a professional can "climb the ladder" economically so to speak. Today they're REALLY happy, and it's been like 8 years already.

 

In this case, the OM was not up to the same level as the H economically speaking at first..............but since he had a bright future (of which the MW knew about), the young man had a chance. Then there's the other factor in case you didn't notice.........the guy was WAY younger. This brings me to another factor that can help an OM/OW...

 

If you're significantly younger than the MW/MM, don't be so shocked if the MW/MM falls head-over-heels in love with you to the point of that person re-evaluating their future, especially if they realize that you could be legit. And if you're a man, combine being really younger with a potential to have a legit standard-of-living comparable to the H and you've got a nice 50/50 shot to steal the wife.

 

Yes....age can be a factor. Being younger can be an advantage.....a HUGE one. How many older men leave their wives of the same age to go run off with a younger hotter girl??? And don't think women wouldn't do it either given the opportunity. It's just that most older married women don't get to meet hotter professional younger men at the same rate that married men meet hotter younger women. But if an older married woman were to meet such a man who shares legit feelings for her, don't be shocked if her marriage breaks, and a new one (with the younger man) were to be born, ESPECIALLY if there were problems in the original marriage to begin with.

 

I bet most of the OM/OW here on loveshack were basically in the same age range as their MW/MM. And of the OM, I bet most weren't with the potential to have an economic future comparable with the H. This is why the cases here of "stealing the spouses away" didn't work. Consider these facts.

 

Just my two cents. Any thoughts???

 

Wow . . . . not a nice portrayal of the female gender???

 

I left but dMM's potential income level has never factored in. I have supported myself before and after the marriage. In fact I now gross more than both dMM and my ex husband and when I left my marriage I was gross in more than my spouse. I have never believed that my role is to depend on a man or my standard of living was dependent on a man.

 

My decision to leave my spouse had more to do with compatability, shared interests, love, and passion. Lifestyle is easily acquired or lost. While I enjoy the things I can buy they are not a priority in my life. I grew up with less and would be fine going back to a different lifestyle. But either way my future comforts are controlled by me and no one else. I would never depend on anyone else for what I need.

[Got it]

Interesting especially #1. Which means :

- Sometimes people really stay for the kids (it's hard to tell if bs*** or genuine excuse)

- Unfortunately, sometimes MPs don't see their AP as a decent life partner even when they are free to have them 100%. I think this is related to the fact that some of former MP see their A with regret and disgust, hence loose respect for the person who was involved with them.

 

My parents definitely stayed for the kids. There wasn't an AP involved but my dad had the timeline for the youngest to go to college and then divorce which is what happened. He has said (and we have discussed this ad nausem) that he couldn't afford two households and didn't want to limit his time with us so he stayed. My mom had similar reasons.

 

THis is why I have always understood the "staying for kids" reasoning, I witnessed it with my parents. I don't agree with it, I instead grew up in a family that had constant fighting and hostility but that excuse does absolutely exist. I learned I would never stay in a bad marriage for any reason, I do not think it benefits the kids and I do not think it sets a good example.

[William]

Interesting topic: Anecdotes about friends and family members who have had affairs. Members who wish to post their own stories about themselves can do so in the OW/OM forum in a thread specific to them. Thanks.

[East7]

I am sorry that has been your observation. In my world it hasn't been quite like this. For many the affair was never found out and many are still together.

 

WHy are you sorry of my observation? and Who are still together? The affair partners or the WS and their BS ?

 

If you are talking about people staying in affairs, I feel sorry for them.

[East7]

y2k, I totally agree that finances play a role even most of women won't admit it. Many of them won't accept to downgrade their standard of living for the "sake of love".

 

Anyway, on a side note, I suggest and hope you prefer a woman of your age rather than bored milfs..Man if I was your age I would put girls in a row

[Radagast]

To make it more clear, the Topic is about :

 

- Have you been told affair experiences from your friends, relatives etc..

- What have you learnt from that ?

 

I had always known of a couple of real-life examples among my friends, maybe four or five couples that had split and formed new partnerships with former affair partners, which had been talked about very openly during the divorce and subsequent new marriages, but when I was myself faced with the dilemma of staying and keeping the family together or leaving and embracing happiness, I was amazed at just how many more examples emerged.

 

I was told of many older people (parents of friends, that I had known for a long time) who had left their former spouse for an affair partner and were still happily married decades on (my friends being the product of that happy union). I was told of shorter-lived liaisons among colleagues who had left their spouses for their lovers only to have their lovers outgrow them and move on in time. I was told of couples touched by infidelity who had stayed together for the children and then broken up later once the children had left home. I found very few among my friends and colleagues and even among my extended family who had not had direct experience of marital infidelity.

 

What I learned from it was that first marriages are often seen with hindsight as "starter marriages" that are outgrown as one ages, with partners growing and changing in different ways and at different rates, leaving frustration and an openness to a better fit, and that admitting this is no cause for shame.

 

I learned that many people (especially men of my generation) struggle to balance the notion of duty drummed into them from youth with the competition from feelings True Love celebrated so publicly in our culture and that self sacrifice wins you little acknowledgement and is a sure route to depression.

 

I learned that relationships that were once affairs are very common, and have at least as good a chance of success as any other relationship, and often a greater chance since partners are attuned to the pitfalls and traps of untended relationships and are often more motivated to make it work.

 

I learned that those who love you will support you to become, and remain, happy, and will welcome the partner who makes you happy and will tolerate at best the partner who makes you unhappy.

 

I learned that other people's experiences can be illuminating but ultimately only you know your relationship and your partner and the chances your relationship has of success.