Stephaniejc625 Posted April 22, 2012 Share Posted April 22, 2012 My boyfriend is always on the computer playing his massive role playing game which involves talking to all these other guys from all over the world (which I think is cool, and I have come to accept it) but he spends every free minute playing this game. I live with him, we have been together for 3 years and he says he wants to marry me and have a family with me but I just don't feel like he is really there for me. It's very difficult to get him to spend any time with me, the minute he wakes up he dashes to the computer, the minute he gets home to work he doesn't even say much to me at all (though I wait for him to come home). The only way I can get him to be with me is when we go out to get something to eat, or go to a movie. And in both situations there is minimal chance for actual talking. I am a social person and I enjoy just being with other people...but it seems that he can't just be with me... he says it takes too much energy. When we do spend time together I have fun, we have a great witty banter and he's loving and everything but he never wants to spend time with me. And then if I get upset and tell him how I feel he tells me that that is the reason he doesn't want to spend time with me... but it was he who first started the who problem by being way to eager to get onto his space ship game. Isn't the whole point of being in a relationship that you WANT to be with that person? sure we live together but the only time I see him is a brief few minutes before he goes to sleep if I stay up very very late, and maybe a few seconds as he passes through to his computer when he gets home from work. Every free minute practically is spent on the computer playing this silly game that has no effect whatsoever on real life. I think it's okay to enjoy a game once and a while but he is missing out on so much too. He barely gets outside at all. I just don't know if it is right for me anymore. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
PlumPrincess Posted April 22, 2012 Share Posted April 22, 2012 He's got a problem with addiction. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stephaniejc625 Posted April 22, 2012 Author Share Posted April 22, 2012 Yes, it is an addiction but I guess every addiction has its roots. But I just wonder if it's worth it to stay in the relationship if he seems happy just being with his game all the time rather than with me ... or only when it suits him. I read up on computer game addiction on wikipedia and there was a remark by a software engineer, he said that in this hypothetical world the person can get the confidence and satisfaction they don't get in real life. But I do a lot for him, and I am always there for him and I tell him how attractive he is, etc. all the time and he just ends up treating me worse... The other people in the online game rely on him, and some scoff when he says he has to spend time with his girlfriend. But when I do get him he just can't be satisfied with just being with me -- something else always has to be going on --- like we have to be watching something (movie, or tv show), or eating or what not. Sorry for the long response. Extra kudos to those who can read it all!! Link to post Share on other sites
Patrice Posted April 22, 2012 Share Posted April 22, 2012 The question is, why is he spending more time with cyber friends than with you? What is he getting out of it? Can you talk to him about it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PlumPrincess Posted April 22, 2012 Share Posted April 22, 2012 I have an uncle who seems to problem with game addiction. He neglects a lot of stuff, including his wife and his own son. Another member of my close family has a gambling addiction. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not going to allow guys with (active) addictions in my life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NateC Posted April 22, 2012 Share Posted April 22, 2012 Oh boy, gaming addictions...those are really hard to crack. (On a side note, just mentioning "spaceship game" made me realize exactly what game he's playing...lol). The right thing to do is to really talk to him about it when he's not playing the game. Tell him exactly how you feel and that it's really hurting you that he's always into the game and never wants to spend time with you. Addictions of any sort are very difficult to break, but if you let him know that not actually putting energy into the relationship means eventually losing it, maybe he'll wake up then. Alternatively, he doesn't and becomes more consumed...then you know it's time to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stephaniejc625 Posted April 22, 2012 Author Share Posted April 22, 2012 (edited) Thank you for all your thoughful replies. It's a funny thing -- this computer game addiction. And Eve (Nate is this the one you were talking about) is supposidly the most addictive game on our planet --- played in space... maybe there is something to that- escapism to the extreme not even on this planet. The thing is I have had this talk with him, many many times. I have told him I am worried about him and that he is missing out on life... that he is not building valuable real life skills or even tending to his basic obligations such as school ... at first I was all negative about it... but the more negative I was the less he liked me. Then I started to think about the positive things the game has to offer. It offers a social space for guys who otherwise would have a hard time making friends, it offers entertainment, and since he has been a leader of the game it has taught him leadership skills. And though I think these may be good aspects, I feel that it's a waste of life in some ways if you spend all your time on it. He seems to get more into it when something in life happens that gets him down, but it's been a snowball effect and he has even been disqualified from university because he doesn't care about anything else. The only time I have seen him really engaged and smiling -- beaming -- is to his computer screen and head set. Why does nothing else in this life give him the same joy? The problem is, I am very much about the REAL world, I love to be out there in it -- with people, outdoors, seeing real things going on around me -- I absolutley love it, and love sharing it with people that I love... but I keep on waiting for this to happen with us. He has provided a safe haven for me, he helps me out economically, he says he loves me and wants to have a great future with me...but I'm not sure if we are really meant to be anymore. At first he was exactly what I looked for in a guy but he slowly unravelled and became uninterested in all the things I thought he was interested in. On one hand, it could be an addiction, but on the other it could just be personal preference -- and while he would rather spend a beautiful day indoors in front of his computer screen I would rather relish in it. Also I am totally not for war or violence and the games he plays are very based on this --- and he chocks it up to a boy/girl thing but I'm not so sure... He has been my first real relationship and I am afriad of moving on --- I have often times wondered if there is something to the religious view that we should only be with one person for our lives... like maybe because we form a spiritual bond to them or something... and I have read many posts on here about bf and gf not being able to get over thier bf/gf's past... So... I always try to give him a chance... it gets better for a period, then it reverts back... Edited April 22, 2012 by Stephaniejc625 Link to post Share on other sites
NateC Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 Thank you for all your thoughful replies. It's a funny thing -- this computer game addiction. And Eve (Nate is this the one you were talking about) is supposidly the most addictive game on our planet --- played in space... maybe there is something to that- escapism to the extreme not even on this planet. The thing is I have had this talk with him, many many times. I have told him I am worried about him and that he is missing out on life... that he is not building valuable real life skills or even tending to his basic obligations such as school ... at first I was all negative about it... but the more negative I was the less he liked me. Then I started to think about the positive things the game has to offer. It offers a social space for guys who otherwise would have a hard time making friends, it offers entertainment, and since he has been a leader of the game it has taught him leadership skills. And though I think these may be good aspects, I feel that it's a waste of life in some ways if you spend all your time on it. He seems to get more into it when something in life happens that gets him down, but it's been a snowball effect and he has even been disqualified from university because he doesn't care about anything else. The only time I have seen him really engaged and smiling -- beaming -- is to his computer screen and head set. Why does nothing else in this life give him the same joy? The problem is, I am very much about the REAL world, I love to be out there in it -- with people, outdoors, seeing real things going on around me -- I absolutley love it, and love sharing it with people that I love... but I keep on waiting for this to happen with us. He has provided a safe haven for me, he helps me out economically, he says he loves me and wants to have a great future with me...but I'm not sure if we are really meant to be anymore. At first he was exactly what I looked for in a guy but he slowly unravelled and became uninterested in all the things I thought he was interested in. On one hand, it could be an addiction, but on the other it could just be personal preference -- and while he would rather spend a beautiful day indoors in front of his computer screen I would rather relish in it. Also I am totally not for war or violence and the games he plays are very based on this --- and he chocks it up to a boy/girl thing but I'm not so sure... He has been my first real relationship and I am afriad of moving on --- I have often times wondered if there is something to the religious view that we should only be with one person for our lives... like maybe because we form a spiritual bond to them or something... and I have read many posts on here about bf and gf not being able to get over thier bf/gf's past... So... I always try to give him a chance... it gets better for a period, then it reverts back... Yep...that was the game I was thinking of. Okay, he may have a point that the game *does* help build leadership skills since you can be talking to 2-300 people at the same time, and yes it's very addictive (I got bored myself), there's no substitute to the real world. Ask him if he's really interested in maintaining a relationship or if he's willing to throw it all away for basically virtual "glory". When I used to play I knew a fair few people who also either had wives/gfs (sometimes they played too!) and didn't see this problem all that often - then again, I didn't really know their personal lives, but it's perfectly possible to balance both. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spookie Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 (edited) I have a brother like this. It has gotten worse over the years. At this point he is 22 and has not gone to school or had a job in 4 years. He lives in filth, rarely showers, and doesn't see any value in using social skills. I also dated a guy in college that had about the same level of gaming addiction as your bf. He thought it was annoying to spend time with me, when he could be playing his game. I loved him more than I've ever loved anyone, but reading your post reminded me of how unhappy our dynamics made me. I was always longing for more, and he was always irritated that I wasn't happy to just coexist while he played his game. There is way more to be gotten out of relationships than what he's giving you. Good luck. Edited April 23, 2012 by spookie 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stephaniejc625 Posted April 24, 2012 Author Share Posted April 24, 2012 I'm not so sure how into depth you go into people's specific issues on here... but I guess I could just tell you the rest of my story for anyone that is interested and if anyone could help me gain some perspective that would be awesome. So, I had a long conversation today about this with my bf today. He says that he doesn't spend all his time on the computer on that computer game. So I guess that just makes him a "computer/internet addict" and no he says no porn (which I think is very admirable). He does have lots of good qualities and he supports me somewhat economically. But somehow this translates into not his understanding that he doesn't need to spend time with me. I had a talk with my mom and she said that I should ask him for just 15 minutes of conversation a night when he gets home from work to share our thoughts or day...so I asked for this and he agreed. But the thing is, I feel like I need more than this and he acts like I am just a girl who needs lots of attention. And he agreed to another thing - to spend around 3 hours with me once a week doing whatever like hiking or going to lunch... and I feel somewhat better knowing this... but many times he has made promises he never keeps. Am I asking for too much that I want to spend more time with him? He says well "we live together, and we've been together for 3 years" as a response... but shouldn't that make him more interested since he knows that we will more likely share a future together? I just don't feel like we share our dreams and goals I don't feel like we have a spiritual connection... maybe a mental one sometimes but he stopped agreeing in what I think is good and never listens to me about my health advice. I've also gained a lot of weight in this relationship. My counselour says I am not blossoming in this relationship... I feel like I have given so much up to be with someone who will just ration out their time to me. I really don't feel like he sees me as an equal but more like a pet that he just wants around but isn't going to be with. I know he is tired or upset when he gets home from work and I try to give him his space but I'm going crazy just being all alone all the time. I have friends but they don't live in the same city as me because I moved to live with him. I guess it doesn't help that I have so much free time... but I have been wanting more from our relationship for nearly 2 years... I keep waiting for it to happen. I don't feel like I am the person I am supposed to be... and I feel like this relationship is hindering me. And I don't even feel like he is my friend, or on my team... He doesn't seem to want to join me in anything...Maybe we just aren't meant for each other... Link to post Share on other sites
Flummox Posted April 24, 2012 Share Posted April 24, 2012 (edited) I understand the appeal of some games. Games are a great way to escape reality and there's sooo much more you can do in games than in the real world. Why not try playing games with him? Maybe that's one way to bond. It is problematic that he got disqualified from university due to playing. It's perfectly possible to play games and do well in school and/or work. He needs to find a way to curb how much time he plays. You should get free time with him outside of games, maybe on the weekends. Maybe you could set up a deal where you do stuff together outside on the weekends and he can game all week after work. Also, do you have a job? If you don't have one and don't want to be alone or bored all day, maybe consider getting a job. Edited April 24, 2012 by Flummox Link to post Share on other sites
jeanYnin Posted April 27, 2012 Share Posted April 27, 2012 With those video game world went mad..realy..I dont understand this...my boyfriend does the same.I think we should break up of them. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts