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Dating a wonderful man w/ baggage...


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Hi,

 

I am a 29 year old female, never married and no kids. I have had my fair share of bad and good relationships but I have always been left hurt or I have bailed in knowing that it just wasn't working for me. I am a woman who likes control in my life and as I get older I feel like that is getting more and more prominent in my life. It gives me sanity.

So where to begin....I recently got out of a rocky 2 year relationship with a man who I still very much love. Our relationship was rocky I believe due to the way we started out: each others rebounds, we worked together, etc...and I guess we never figured out how to cope wit it all. I decided to move away and he agreed that maybe that was best.

Since then we have had several occasions of deciding not to talk and then talking again...afterall we were very close...best friends.

Flash forward to now. I have met an amazing man. Amazing in that we share the same beliefs, the way he treats me, the time he spends with me, the list goes on. However, and this is a big one for me...he has been recently divorced (about 10 months), has 4 kids, and a not so sane ex-wife. They do not get along. Additionally we work together...

I have talked endlessly to my friends on what to do. Give it a go? Or bail now before someone gets hurt. The kids aren't really the issue right now (I wouldn't meet them for sometime anyway)...its more the ex wife. Also, my ex and I have been talking as good friends over email. I can tell there is still love there....but I am not sure if its just that we are used to each other or that we are meant for one another.

I have a hard time letting go...and then moving into a relationship with so much against me already but with a man that is wanting to battle for me and hold onto me for dear life.

I have also decided to enter therapy to discuss some of my own problems. Problems that may be preventing me from moving on.

In any case I would like some input. Should i better myself through therapy before i continue? Am i ready for a new and possibly wonderful relationship? Do I still love my ex? This is causing me anxiety...thanks in advance

 

Lost

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Hi! I'm pretty new here so I just want to start by saying hi and that I respect your courage for opening up to the community. I am a strong believer that you need to rid yourself of all the dirty laundry before starting a new relationship. It is very apparent that you still have strong feelings for your ex. Before beginning a new relationship, in my opinion, you need to deal with the feelings that you have for him. It's unfair to your new suitor to invest his feelings into someone who isn't even sure of what she wants yet.

 

As far as his current situation (recently divorced, 4 kids, crazy ex-wife), you should definitely weigh your options if you consider this relationship as a potential for something serious. Although meeting the children is further down the line, you need to make sure you are willing to accept them, especially if you don't have children of your own yet and want them later. The crazy ex...now that's another story. Putting her in check is HIS responsibility and you need to make sure he's up for that challenge.

 

For working together - I never think its a good idea to mix your business and personal lives but to each its own. If you decide to pursue a relationship with a coworker, be sure to keep your business and personal lives separate. In that situation, the lines tend to get a bit blurry.

 

Sorry that my reply was so long....I guess I went off on a tangent...yet again.

 

Good luck to you on your decision. : )

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I agree with Mocha.

 

And I think you already know what would be most suitable for you.

 

The fact is that BOTH of you have baggage - not just your new love interest.

 

Yes, it is wise to seek therapy and to work through your issues BEFORE getting involved with someone else. I don't think it would be right to do it during and have him in the background - having your cake and eating it.

 

Besides, you've already touched on a pattern of finding it hard to let go - do you want to risk repeating the same situation?

 

If this new guy really is suitable for you, then it will happen in time. Not to mention that it would be his responsibility to sort out his own baggage: if he is as dedicated in sorting out his own issues as you hope to be with yours, then I would say that you both have a good chance of building a more successful relationship with each other, though not before then.

 

Good luck!

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A person with no baggage is not a human being. :p Everybody has faults, which can transfer into relationships.

 

This is true.

 

But it is the wisest people who chose to resolve their issues (baggage) first that make the healthiest partners.

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All,

 

Thanks for all of your input and advice! I very much appreciate it...I think you are all right. He is an amazing person who I think is worth giving him my all...not just part of me. Its better not to force things. I have decided to tell him we should slow it down. And he is perfectly content waiting.

As far as his drama goes he knows it is his and his alone to deal with. He has done his best to shelter me from all the BS as best he can. So far I'd say he's doing a good job. And I agree...part of me is still unsure of the kid thing. While he has told me he would have kids with me if we got married I still am unsure if I am ok with being a step mom. Or maybe its just that its uncharted territory. I'm not sure. I just know I have never met anyone that has treated me as well as he has. Argh! Life is hard! :(

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I always cringe when I see crazy ex wife! They had 4 kids together, she obviously wasn't too crazy for him to impregnate her 4 times. Maybe he was a complete douchbag toward her. Hopefully he does not speak ill of the mother of his children to you. He may have been an abusive jerk while in the marriage, it is always greener on the other side. Hopefully the children are okay....there well being should come first.

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Welcome to LS.

 

Work on yourself and resolve your feelings for your ex prior to getting emotionally involved with someone else. If you can't 'be alone', get professional help for that. I do find it a bit ironic that you still have 'feelings' for your ex but are worried about the potential 'baggage' of the man you endeavor to date. It's not like your 'stuff' is any more manageable or healthy than his.

 

Lastly, take the 'psycho ex-wife' stuff with a grain of salt. The truth is somewhere north of that. Now, if you've met her and/or seen her psych file, then believe the stories based on that information. Also, verify his divorce decree with the court of record.

 

When you can go a month without significant thoughts or feelings regarding your ex, try one date. See how it goes. In the meantime, enjoy your friends and family and continue your healing. If you were 'best friends' with your ex and the relationship was healthy, you'd still be together. What you have isn't 'best friends', it's residual emotional attachment. A professional psychologist can explain it better. Good luck.

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LoveandSuch...

 

As far as him having 4 children with her let it be clear. He loved her. He did everything to make it work. He even told me that they kept having babies hoping it would make them love each other more. Healthy no...but people are human. Like I said he knows where he messed up and he knows where he could have done better. But he went to therapy, read books, spent all his money on her..but it was too late. That ship sailed. Now its ugly. Like she doens't want to be with him but has all of this hate in her. It's not healthy for any person to be like this. I truly feel for their kids. Because she is not setting the example. He does not bad mouth the mom to their kids...sad to say she does about him. Even posts all of their business on Facebook. It breaks my heart. I forsee things getting much worse for them. I have opted to leave him to sort it out. I don't want to be invovled in this mess but mostly I do not want to get hurt. I have read things where the ex was so unstable that it NEVER got better.

 

To carhill: he is divorced...not sure why you said i should see the divoce decree. Can you explain? I do agree with what you said about my ex. I truly wish things were black and white. I live in a diff state then him. I moved away from him...cut off contact, etc. But he keeps coming back into my life...through email or text...etc. Claiming I am the one for him. So I forgive me if this is a little hard for me to just get over him when he won't let me. It does make me question things. I am truly hoping therapy will help me in coping with what the right thing to do is.

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Unless you've seen the actual legal documents at the courthouse or the case summary on the court web site, any assertions of divorce are mere hearsay. I saw my exW's second D court filings early on in our dating. At that point, she had been divorced (final decree) about two years.

 

I've been through some pretty creative experiences with MW's, so it's trust with verification for this grizzled veteran.

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LoveandSuch...

 

As far as him having 4 children with her let it be clear. He loved her. He did everything to make it work. He even told me that they kept having babies hoping it would make them love each other more. Healthy no...but people are human. Like I said he knows where he messed up and he knows where he could have done better. But he went to therapy, read books, spent all his money on her..but it was too late. That ship sailed. Now its ugly. Like she doens't want to be with him but has all of this hate in her. It's not healthy for any person to be like this. I truly feel for their kids. Because she is not setting the example. He does not bad mouth the mom to their kids...sad to say she does about him. Even posts all of their business on Facebook. It breaks my heart. I forsee things getting much worse for them. I have opted to leave him to sort it out. I don't want to be invovled in this mess but mostly I do not want to get hurt. I have read things where the ex was so unstable that it NEVER got better.

 

To carhill: he is divorced...not sure why you said i should see the divoce decree. Can you explain? I do agree with what you said about my ex. I truly wish things were black and white. I live in a diff state then him. I moved away from him...cut off contact, etc. But he keeps coming back into my life...through email or text...etc. Claiming I am the one for him. So I forgive me if this is a little hard for me to just get over him when he won't let me. It does make me question things. I am truly hoping therapy will help me in coping with what the right thing to do is.

 

Regarding your ex...

I understand your issue with your ex from personal experiences. Sometimes your try very hard to make things work but you and your significant other may be in different places in your life. While you were ready before, he apparently realizes his mistake and has come to the conclusion that you were THE ONE all along. However, at this point, regardless of his mode of contact, if you're ready to move on, you need to do so. I would first try to explain to him that you finally realize what you want and have decided that maybe the two of you are not the best fit. If he doesn't get it after that, you may just have to force him to end communication (block his # or e-mail address). I don't think that you two should try to be friends if you're really serious about this new guy.

 

Regarding your new friend...

As mentioned, it is possible to just grow apart without either party being at fault. If you know that this guy is divorced, there's no need to see the papers. If you are ok with not seeing the papers, there's no need to ask for them. As far as the children and the ex are concerned, if the two of you care about each other as much as you eluded to and want it to work, you will make it happen.

 

A friend of mine was involved in a similar situation. Although she was in love with the guy, she realized that she couldn't deal with the drama of the ex forever and was not ready to be a step mom. In evaluating the situation, just realize that the ex and the children will both be there throughout the duration of your relationship. Be sure that you're ready for that type of commitment.

 

I know I'm kinda jumping the gun but being a product of the situation myself, I understand the hardships that may be experienced from all sides.

 

:)

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Unless you've seen the actual legal documents at the courthouse or the case summary on the court web site, any assertions of divorce are mere hearsay. I saw my exW's second D court filings early on in our dating. At that point, she had been divorced (final decree) about two years.

 

I've been through some pretty creative experiences with MW's, so it's trust with verification for this grizzled veteran.

 

Ha! I can understand why you would ask for the papers. "Creative experiences"....sounds VERY interesting.....

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