JohnM Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 I feel a lot of the time that I am a stern parent in my relationship. I find myself having to keep my girlfriend in line and that I'm always having to present that bad guy option. I'm always trying to help but I'm highly logical so when something comes up and I can see the problem down the line I let her know so she can avoid it it. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't have to though. Like, I should not have to tell her that if she does not revise she will fail exams and that's why she is worried. That if she doesn't budget her money she will indeed not have any money at the end of the month again. It's just stuff that I feel is obvious sometimes and so I shouldn't have to call her out on. It should be common sense the problems she faces but I always end up doing all the problem solving. It's never fun to be the one saying do this do that. She said she was aware of this yesterday and that she needs me to do that to keep her focused as otherwise she'll end up with problems. BUt I don't want to always be her father and sometimes I feel unappreciated because its hard work and usually she will argue against until she understands the reasoning. It's like, why should I bother helping her to keep her life on track when it would be so much easier to leave her to make her own mistakes and just stay out of some of her affairs. I don't always want to be the guardian, smoothing the path. ANyone else experience this in their relationships? Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 I do some parenting in my relationship, but in a different way than yours. My general take on it, is that it's up to you (or me) how much you take it on, and that you have to own that choice. I was quite annoyed about the parenting for some time, but then realised that part of it was me taking on a responsibility that wasn't mine, and that I didn't NEED to take on. So I've stepped back a bit and I'll continue to do so. Basically, you should follow your own advice: it would be so much easier to leave her to make her own mistakes and just stay out of some of her affairs. I know that's easy to say and more difficult to do, because some of these issues affect both parties (especially money issues, which you mention - if the two of you live together, I suggest a joint account for bills that gets money transferred on the day salaries come in). But when they don't, I think you should step back a bit. She's a grown up woman and it's her responsibility to take care of her exams, or her finances. If you keep cushioning her, there's no way she will learn. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 I agree completely with denise. Let her make her own mistakes unless she explicitly comes to you for advice. The bf complained about this once to me, a year or so ago. I told him I'd been handling myself fine before he ever came into my life, and would continue to do so even if he didn't keep trying to 'parent' me. I know it hurts to hear that, for him and for you, for any guy that has the 'parenting' instinct. But it was the truth for me, and I suspect it is for your gf as well. So if it's bothering you, lay off. It does neither of you a favour for you to keep doing something that bothers you. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 For myself, that was a good incompatibility canary in the coal mine. The experiences, while married, were also great lessons in 'picking one's battles' and setting healthy boundaries. Example: I can't stand a pig pen car. My compromise was to make sure it was maintained so it wouldn't fail my exW but the extent of its cosmetic condition was entirely up to her. If I had to move a McD's bag from a week ago off the seat to sit down, I tossed it in the back seat and sat down without comment. When that 'style' impacted me, like one time when I tripped over her shoes walking through a room carrying something, the shoes went into the trash without comment. That was my boundary. Safety. Ultimately, the underlying incompatibilities were merely in evidence through the anecdotes. Like I said, canaries in the coal mine. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
tman666 Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 There's been some great advice given here... I'll also jump on board with the "let her make her own mistakes" bandwagon. She'll learn. If she doesn't, make sure you consider that before getting hitched... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 27, 2011 Share Posted June 27, 2011 Yes, pay attention to the little things. They get more obvious, for some, after the signature is on the marriage license. IOW, some people mask parts of their 'style' in order to 'get the job'. If those parts are inconsequential, it's not an issue but, whoa, watch out for other. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author JohnM Posted June 27, 2011 Author Share Posted June 27, 2011 Thankyou all for your replies they were exactly what I needed to hear. It's going to be hard to switch off my brain. in fact I'm trying it right now as she has been out all day with friends when she had set it aside to revise. REally having to hold myself back from telling her off. It's more annoying when I can see its going to cause bigger problems down the line. but I'm just going to have to let her fall, It's the only way she'll learn. Tough love. I just really hope she starts to mature and stop making mistakes or I'll end up losing patience in her ability to actually act like an independent grown up. Link to post Share on other sites
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