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So what exactly keeps you women around?


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Some friends of mine and i have come to the conclusion that it's a crap shoot. It doesn't matter how attractive, financially stable, mature, respectful, honest, funny, spontaneous, or how in love a woman claims to be, they'll leave you anyway.

 

It seems that so many women enjoy holding things back. Not being whole with the truth, instead just giving parts or what they want you to know/hear. Whatever happened to honesty? Whatever happened to women bitching about guys being untrustworthy or dishonest when the majority of women seem to be hypocrits.

 

I hate to sound jaded, but i am. It's not that i don't think many of the break ups that i've had aren't my fault - because in any break up usually both parties are to fault to some extent. I try to take what i've learne from it and build off of it. Honesty is VERY important to me, yet i can't seem to just find out what is on a woman's mind. What is with the constant "nothing" reply, when OBVIOUSLY something is wrong. I'm all about keeping problems small and not creating new ones. Am i the only one?

 

Are there sincere women out there who HONESTLY want someone else by their side? Marriage is imortant to me and i only plan on doing it once...that means working out every single hardship that may appear, divorce to me isn't an option, but for some reason i can see it happening. I don't want to have to lose someone i'm in love with just because of some problem that COULD have been resolved had it not been bottled up.

 

I don't want to sound like i'm blaming women, because i think it may sound like i am, it's just i'm getting so tired of being treated like **** when i'm trying my best. I'm not perfect, noone is, yet imperfections nowadays seem like relationship killers.

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Women have the same complaints about men. Read these boards for any length of time, and you'll find endless stories about people who didn't deal with problems in time to fix them because they wouldn't communicate.

 

What's to be done? Darned if I know. If you have a discussion about communication and your partner says she is a good communicator and will for sure discuss problems - and then does not, I have no idea what else you could do. The best thing, I suppose, is to be thankful that you've never married any of these non-communicating women.

 

Next time you get a 'nothing' answer, maybe try saying what you wrote: "I don't want to have to lose someone i'm in love with just because of some problem that COULD have been resolved had it not been bottled up. " Maybe even add 'please give me the opportunity to mend whatever damage may have been done'. It puts all the responsibility on you, of course, but perhaps if your gf discovers that you really mean it when you say you want to fix problems early, she'll open up.

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ArdeaCandidissima

Ahhhhhhh...where do I start?

 

1) Women are human beings, just like men. So each one is an individual, with different desires and behaviors. Your post didn't make it clear that you understand this obvious fact.

 

2) But if you must treat us all like amorphous blobs scooped from the carton called "Womanhood", then keep your blob happy by:

 

* treating her as an individual. Get to know all about her unique traits and quirks

 

* loving her, the way she likes it, be that cards from Hallmark or rough sweaty sex three times a day

 

* doing your fair share of the housework, without forcing her to nag you. Professional marriage counselors say that housework (disputes and failure to live up to agreements) is one of the biggest causes of breakups

 

* treating her with respect and making it clear to all, and most of all her, that she is #1 in your thoughts and in your plans

 

* having a full life of your own, which you love to share with her

 

* being courteous, even when the going gets rough. No insults, no wounding

 

* being reliable and trustworthy

 

* always smelling good and being clean (if you need a shower, don't let her be the one to tell you)

 

* keeping your body and mind in shape

 

If this doesn't work for you, give me a call. I'll be your woman.

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Damn, Rogue. Very well said.

 

I can't tell you how horribly annoying it is to get the "nothing" answer when there is OBVIOUSLY something wrong, and yet the other person can complain about us not communicating enough or being open. It's ridiculous.

 

But I'm sure it's not just with women. But chances are if a dude says "nothing", he means "nothing."

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But chances are if a dude says "nothing", he means "nothing."

 

Oh I doubt that. It means 'I'm ticked but I don't know how/don't want to be bothered/don't want a fight/can't express it". Just as it does with women. You can tell when someone's in a mood. If it's not because of you, the least the guy can do is say 'work's bugging me' or something!

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HokeyReligions
Oh I doubt that. It means 'I'm ticked but I don't know how/don't want to be bothered/don't want a fight/can't express it". Just as it does with women. You can tell when someone's in a mood. If it's not because of you, the least the guy can do is say 'work's bugging me' or something!

 

 

Guy's favorite word: Nothing!

 

Gal's favorite word: Fine!

 

Sorry - the thread made me think of that. :)

 

 

Sometimes I'm just too tired to talk about what may be bothering me. I just flat don't have the energy and also I know that if I don't cool off or think about it more I may say something that I will regret. So I tell my husband "nothing, I'm too tired to talk about it, later", and "It is NOT about you" in the hopes that he will leave me alone. It used to drive him crazy with curiosity and he would obsess about it and pester the hell out of me until I finally told him and then I got mad at him because I was so dad-blamed tired and his constant nagging made it worse. Then he would get indignant and upset with me for being angry at him and it would be my fault somehow because all I had to do was tell him in the first place. I Hate it when he twists things around like that and plays Mr. Innocent. One time I told him, firmly, that I did NOT want to talk right then and it was nothing for him to worry about. He got mad, started nagging, and then threatened to leave me because I wasn't communicating. I said FINE! and walked away. he did leave and I finally got some peace and quiet.

 

Man! We had some argument doozies! Now we leave each other alone -- I'll talk when I'm ready. And so does he.

 

 

As for marriageable women -- yes they are out there, suffering through unsatisfying relationships too. We can't all be bunched together any more than men can be.

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As men, we figure that if you women don't want to talk about it, it has to do with us, regardless of what you say.

 

And you know what? SOMETIMES we're right.

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Some friends of mine and i have come to the conclusion that it's a crap shoot. It doesn't matter how attractive, financially stable, mature, respectful, honest, funny, spontaneous, or how in love a woman claims to be, they'll leave you anyway.

 

I agree with the "crap shoot" analogy, but I don't think it applies to one gender or another.

 

We're living in a world of ‘instant gratification’ and people now find it as easy to trade in an old partner as they do their used cars. "If it no longer makes you happy, find a shiny new one that does."

 

Now that women are becoming 'equals,' they're bucking the traditional stereotypes once forced upon them. They are now as likely to leave a bad relationship, have affairs and become vulnerable to same temptations once reserved for only men. And the more confident and financially independent the woman is, the less likely she is to suffer quietly in a bad relationship as her mother or grandmother did in the generations before.

 

When it comes to ‘relationships’ in this new era, I think we’re ALL taking a huge gamble…and unfortunately, the odds are in no one’s favor.

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very well said enigma....... i dont think i could have said it better than that..... your my new hero of the day lol

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HokeyReligions
Originally posted by UCFKevin

As men, we figure that if you women don't want to talk about it, it has to do with us, regardless of what you say.

 

And you know what? SOMETIMES we're right.

 

I'll give you "sometimes" :)

 

 

but it's kind of arrogant (of men & women) to think that just because their partner is being uncommunicative it must be about "them". :)

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Well...of course it's arrogant...but it's just how we think sometimes.

 

And then there are sometimes when we just don't give a crap. If we ask what's wrong and get nothing, we've done our part.

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but it's kind of arrogant (of men & women) to think that just because their partner is being uncommunicative it must be about "them".

 

I don't think so at all. It speaks to our deepest fears of loss. Tell me that you can read all these tales of people leaving without having given any indication there was a problem and not feel worried that you might be in such a situation? You know your spouse and you've sorted your relationship out, but I imagine your husband was suffering from that fear when he got stressed when you wouldn't discuss a problem.

 

We all know that the failure to talk about issues can be a BIG warning sign; so signals that this may be happening are for sure going to cause concern. Of course, the silent one knows there's nothing wrong, but without an advanced degree from the Kreskin Institute of Advanced MindReading, how is the other person supposed to know?

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being in a relationship is like dancing (the ballroom variety), where you work together to get the steps down right.

 

you also need to lay down ground rules about feelings, IMHO: it's okay to have these negative feelings when you encounter a certain situation, but they don't negate the underlying love you have for that person. There's a big difference between loving someone and being irritated by their idiosyncracies, and you shouldn't confuse one with the other. I think that goes a long way for making it a smooth dance ...

 

you also need to be receptive to the other person's mood, and know when to approach them. If you sense he or she needs time to simmer down, then let them have that time before you ask what's wrong. That makes all the difference in the world. And you get brownie points for caring enough to notice.

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There's a big difference between loving someone and being irritated by their idiosyncracies, and you shouldn't confuse one with the other.

 

If only that little tidbit was inherent in people.

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HokeyReligions
Originally posted by moimeme

I don't think so at all. It speaks to our deepest fears of loss. Tell me that you can read all these tales of people leaving without having given any indication there was a problem and not feel worried that you might be in such a situation? You know your spouse and you've sorted your relationship out, but I imagine your husband was suffering from that fear when he got stressed when you wouldn't discuss a problem.

We all know that the failure to talk about issues can be a BIG warning sign; so signals that this may be happening are for sure going to cause concern. Of course, the silent one knows there's nothing wrong, but without an advanced degree from the Kreskin Institute of Advanced MindReading, how is the other person supposed to know?

 

You have a good point, and I can understand where you are coming from.

 

In my particular case Hubbys fear wasn't that I would leave - he is the one who kept leaving me. He felt that it was his job to fix whatever problems I was having, whether the problem involved him or not. His fear was that I would think him incapable of fixing the problem, or that he would be incapable of fixing the problem - which fed his extremely low self-esteem at the time. Not "if I don't fix it, she's going to leave" but more "I'm stupid and worthless because I can't fix the problem and even my own wife thinks so, or she would tell me"

 

 

Our counselor told us that this was not uncommon and that sometimes the two (fear of leaving and low self-esteem) were so tied together that it would take a long time to separate them and find the real issue.

 

RogueK wrote: Honesty is VERY important to me, yet i can't seem to just find out what is on a woman's mind. What is with the constant "nothing" reply, when OBVIOUSLY something is wrong. I'm all about keeping problems small and not creating new ones. Am i the only one?

 

Communication is important and knowing when NOT to pressure someone is important too. When the answer is "nothing" then you need to find out why she doesn't want to tell you, not keep pestering her to tell you. Then accept it if she doesn't want to explain. That is still honest. And communicaiton techniques need to be worked out and agreed upon with each relationship. If being told "nothing" makes you hurt, angry, confused, anxious, etc. then tell the girl that in the beginning and give her an opportunity to respond and understand how her actions/words may affect you.

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