My Life Is A Mess And I Need Help =(

[cocomojo]

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I have a very complicated story and I don't think anyone is every going to be able to help me, But I'm to the point where I can't take it anymore and I don't know what to do.Well here it goes(It's a long story)....

 

It all started a year ago in August. I started my first year of college and of course I was excited for all the new changes in my life. Well I met a guy and he asked for my number and he started callin me. I was curious about him so I asked one of my friends about him and she got a puzzled look on her face and I asked what was wrong and she told me he had a girlfriend and she was pregnant and he had another child by another girl and I was shocked. I was thinkin no way can I talk to him.

 

Well he still called me and I thought bein his friend wouldnt hurt. We started hangin out a lot. (And about a month after his girlfriend found out she was pregnant she moved back to her hometown which was about 2 hours away from here.) In the beginning everything was fine....then we had sex. And i felt awful. I am a good person and I cant believe I was doing that when he had a pregnant girlfriend. I stopped seeing him. My supposed to be friend I asked about him, told his girlfriend(turns out she knows her! ha) So he tells me he doesn't want to talk to me nemore because I have a big mouth. I was kind of upset and that scared me. Well a week went by and he approached me and said he wanted to start talking again and I agreed. We were together ALL THE TIME(but secretively) It was exciting to me. The sneaking around was an adrenaline rush. But deep down I felt awful for what I was doing. He told me to not get feelings for him and I said of course I won't. Well I was wrong. He was all I thought about and all I wanted to do was be with him. We started going places together and stopped really watching out to see if people saw us together. Well he's the star of the football team and his girlfriend used to be a start basketball player before she graduated....So everyone knew them.

 

People started seeing us together and would tell her. He would make up lies and she believed him. I started spending money on him and buying him things. Last March he told me his girlfriend was coming back here and they were moving in together.I thought things with us would stop....but they didn't.I would meet him anywhere and everywhere and sneak around. She had the baby in April and finally in May she found out about us. They broke up but were still living together. He blamed me for her finding out. I felt awful for what I did but I still continued doing it.I was so confused,I didn't understand what was wrong with me and how I could hurt people. Since his g/f is very popular,everyone found out about it. I got dirty looks all the time from people(esp. her friends) We still continued seeing each other and I started falling in love with him. When him and his g/f were together I talked to other guy and went out and stuff because he wasn't my boyfriend. Well I told him I wanted to be with him and he threw it in my face. He said he didn't want to be with me because I was with other guys and I told him that wasn't fair because he had a girlfriend. He started calling me a slut and seemed like every other week he was telling me sumthin different, Like I dont want to see you anymore,or I don't want to have sex anymore,or Your a slut and I don't want anyone to know I talk to you. A few days would go by after he would say these things and then he would be callin me and wanting to come back.I told myself every time that I wasn't gonna take him back,but I did.

 

It seemed like things were more complicated after him and g/f broke up then when they were together. When they were together and he wasn't at home with her...he was with me. Now since they weren't together....he was never home and always out doing God knows what and called me and saw me whenever he felt like it. My friends constantly did and are telling me to stay away from him,but I've tried and I can't. He kisses me and holds my hand and all his friends tell me they know he cares about me but he just cant admit it. He tells me he can talk to anyone he wants to and do whatever he wants with whoever he wants and so can I....BUT if he finds out I do anything then he won't talk to me nemore.I tell him thats not fair and he said if I don't like it then don't talk to him. He treats me like a child.....When I met him i was 18 and he was 24 and I am about to be 20 in January and he will be 26 in April. I ask him to do things and hang out and every time I do he bites my head off and tells me he has a life and he's busy and to stop askin to see him and he will ask to see me if he has time. He constantly says to me,"If you wouldn't have slept with the few people you did,then we would be together and you would be my girl." He always throws that in my face and makes me feel horrible about it even tho he had a girlfriend at the time i did it and me and him weren't together. I've spent so much money on him in the past year it is ridicilious. From shoes,to shirts,to hats,you name it I bought it. I always told him he was using me and he says he wasn't and if I didn't want to buy him nething I didn't have to,but he knew I would. When we argue he always says,"I can get any girl to do what you do for me,I don't need you"

 

We'll be out at the bar and i'll be with my friends and he'll be with his and he pulls me away from guys and hangs all on me and talks to me and asks why I didnt come talk to him. Then other times I will go talk to him and he tells me to leave him alone. It's been a year and three months since this has been going on. He still lives with his x-girlfriend and their baby and she is constantly bothering me.She calls my phone,yells at me in public,her friends talk about me. Everyone looks at me and thinks i'm a home wrecker,a slut,and a bitch. I am a good person,He is my first inter-racial relationship and the attention I get from him is addicting. It's like I like it when he makes me feel like **** and then the next day he acts like nothing is wrong and makes me feel like a queen. On thursday of last week I spent the nite with him and the next morning I left and he said he would talk to me later.I didnt hear from him at all on friday or saturday. I got real sick with broncitis and i called his cell and told him and he never called me. He had a game on saturday so I figured he was busy. I called him Sunday and still no answer. I called again and he answers and is acting weird and I ask what is wrong and he says he wants to be my friend but doesn't want to have sex with me nemore. He says I did nothing wrong he just doesn't want me nemore because what we have is going no where and we will never be together and there is no point.

 

Tell me how confused I am b/c about 2 weeks ago we got in a fight and said we weren't gonna talk nemore and he calls me up and says he just wants to have sex and thats it,no more hangin out and now this week.....no sex and just friends. I have no self-esteem anymore and since January of last year I have talked to no other guys but him.I think I do that in hopes that he will be with me. I am so confused that I don't know what to do nemore. I dunno where to go from here. After you read this you will probably think I am crazy and a bad person,but I'm not. I just fell in love with the wrong guy for the wrong reasons. =(

[ArdeaCandidissima]

You're not crazy and you're not bad. Actually, the biggest loser in your story is Mr. Wonderful. Even after two months reading Loveshack, I still award him the loser prize, because not only does he use you, he verbally abuses you and messes with your head in award-winning style.

 

You have used poor judgment and you did not listen to your wise, caring friends who said to stay away. As they knew, you are now feeling like h*ll because you have been used, abused, trashed and humiliated by this loser and his prize pig girlfriend.

 

The way you say it, whenever he says "Come here", you have no choice but to go to him like a mindless zombie. So he can call you a good for nothing slut while humping you and accepting your expensive gifts (????!!!!), then tell you to get lost. Now he wants to be "just friends". Well, I'm sure you can find at least 5 billion people on this planet who would be a better friend to you than that.

 

You're a good person? Then do something good for yourself. Cut this Grade A user/loser off cold turkey. That's right, never see him or talk to him again. If you walk in a room and he's there, turn around and walk out and go somewhere else. Treat him like a hand grenade that just got the pin pulled, because for you, that's what he is.

 

Once you're detoxed from him, your life can begin.

[cocomojo]

You're right. It really just hurts me because I can sit here and name all the negative things about him and I still forgive him and talk to him. EVERY single time I tell myself I am going to get away from him it never happens. I don't understand how he could be so cruel. I said to him yesterday that it was partly my fault because he would tell me one day he didnt want to talk to me then the next day tell me that he did and he knew that he could come back every single time because I let him and thats my fault. He just has me totally brain washed and it scares me that I feel totally dependant on him. I try to be perfect for him and when I don't add up in his eyes and im trying so hard,it makes me feel like dirt when he constantly puts me down again and again. What is wrong with him?

[ArdeaCandidissima]

Let me repeat, "IT - DOES - NOT - MATTER - WHAT - IS - WRONG - WITH - HIM." That's HIS problem - and HERS - not yours.

 

All that matters is that you stay away. Please go get some help or referrals, e.g. from a battered women's shelter. They will give you strategies on how to get free of this mind control.

 

Step 1: Choose to be free.

 

Step 2: Believe that you are able to be free.

[klind1970]

If you don't want to take the advice of a fellow woman, then listen to a man on the subject... this guy is a tool and he is just using you for his own selfish needs. This is what guys do, when are you girls going to realize that!!!! I know because I have done it most of my adult life. It took my wife almost divorcing me to see that I was being totally stupid and pig-headed. Let him go!!!!!! After that you need to work on yourself. Self-esteem is a very important part of your life. Without it you might as well not exist. Get some help, there are plenty of good counselors out there that can help you with these problems. Good Luck!!!!!

[cocomojo]

Thanks for the advice. Yeah your right he uses me. I have been trying to convince myself otherwise when deep down I know its true. What he does is makes me feel like **** and hurts me but he knows all the right things to say to make everything okay. His friends tell me they know he cares about me but he doesnt want to admit because when me and him started all this he wasnt supposed to catch feelings but he did. I used to believe that but not nemore. No one deserves to be treated the way I have and im startin to realize that. When i tell him he's mean to me....He says I'm only mean to you when you do sumthin u know ur not supposed to do. Ha I dont need counseling.I would hope its not that serious.I am only 19 years old. Everyone told me I was gonna learn a lesson and **** was gonna come back for what I did to his girlfriend. Well they were right it's gonna be hard for me to stay away from him and it's gonna hurt but when i get away i am gonna be alright even tho right now i dont think i am. =)

[ThisGirlNameKD]

Hey girl, we all make unwise choices in relationships. If there's any advice I could give you early on while you are starting out, it's two things: one, if a man (or a woman) cannot back up his words with the proper actions, don't fall for what he says in the first place. If there's a huge contrast between what's being said and what's being done, something's not right. So all that nice stuff or "right" stuff he says after he dogs you out the day before does not mean anything, and stop listening to his ignorant friends and thinking this guy really cares about you. I'm convinced you stayed around too long because you've been hoping and looking for him to turn around and really being the caring boyfriend you want him to based on what they said. It's not going to happen. It's a dead fantasy. It's impossible.

 

The second is that no one could make you feel inferior without your consent. So in answer to your question how could he be so cruel, of course you know now, its because you gave him consent to treat you cruel when you allowed him to walk over you. This guy only appears powerful to you because you allow him to have power over you. Once you take your power back from him, you're realize he was a bunch of nothing to begin with.

 

As far as the self-esteem is concern, don't let him make you feel valueless because he treats you bad and make you feel like you're to blame for both of you not getting together, or other reasons he may blame you for. I'm sure that as soon as you leave him alone and move on in your life away from him, you will feel your value coming back to you to give to someone who's worthy of it. In the meantime when temptation calls, stop fantasizing about being with him, and think about the h*ll he's put you through emotionally and mentally when you have been with him. If that's something you don't take pleasure in experiencing, avoid him like the plague. He's very toxic.

[cocomojo]

Your right I got myself in this whole mess in the first place. Of course yeah there's no excuse for the way he treats me,but Im the one that lets him do it. Every single time he treats me bad,I see it and I say Im gonna stop it and stop talkin to him,But then I get this gleam of hope.For sum reason I think he realizes he treats me bad. But ur right he doesnt. I told him he walks all over me and comes back when he wants to and he said i was right! Pah its sad he is 26 years old and he acts younger than me. The only thing I dont get about him is he goes from sayin he doesnt want to be with me cuz of this and cuz of that TO.....Yeah we'd be together if it wasnt for this or that. I just feel really stupid because I've invested so much mind,body,heart,soul,AND MONEY in this and I got nothing to show for it but a broken heart. I guarantee in a few days he will be calling and Im gonna try my hardest to not pick up the phone. I dont understand....If he doesnt give a crap about me,and in his eyes I do so many wrong things.....why cant he just leave me alone?

[yes]

is there any way you can take a week or two off and take a trip? even if it's a really cheap trip, i think it'd do you good to get away and clear your head. go by yourself or with a supportive friend, write in a journal on the train/airplane/whatever ... or maybe even visit your family if you have somebody who'll just let you live with them for a lil while & will be nice to you.

 

it sounds to me like you're sick with your ridiculous attachment to this guy. treat it like an illness - be good to yourself, relax, meditate, talk to your friends - focus on yourself. maybe do some volunteer work? heck, maybe even transfer to a diff't college - it sounds like you really need a fresh start.

 

you can either stop taking his calls, block his email, etc; or you can email him yourself and say "i dont wanna hear or see or touch or smell you EVER again, and if you approach me, i'll call the police", and then cut off all contact.

 

good luck,

-yes

[midori]

I think you might start looking here:

 

Originally posted by cocomojo

I was curious about him so I asked one of my friends about him and she got a puzzled look on her face and I asked what was wrong and she told me he had a girlfriend and she was pregnant and he had another child by another girl and I was shocked. I was thinkin no way can I talk to him.

 

Well he still called me and I thought bein his friend wouldnt hurt. We started hangin out a lot.

 

Why on earth? Why would a young college girl want to hang out with a guy who's got a kid with one woman, another on the way with another -- and yet seems to have all sorts of time to hang out with her?

 

I'd be thinking, "who's this loser, and why does he think he's got anything to offer me, even as a friend? Why is he hanging out with me instead of his pregnant girlfriend? Why isn't he working harder to make money to support his growing family? Yuck!" Even if he was handsome and charming and amusing I would not be impressed.

 

Why would you want to cultivate a friendship with such a person? I'm not asking you to justify yourself, I'm just observing that in making that choice you were deciding to do something that most people would not want to bother with. Yet you saw some value in it. Why?

 

It would be one thing if you were living in a small town, not in school, with only twenty or so people within your general age-range. If you were thrown into his company through external circumstance, work, whatever, I could see how the two of you would strike up a friendship... and the things that followed from there... But there you are, a young woman with lots of social opportunity, and you chose to hang out with a guy who should have been focused on other things. What was going on there?

 

What did this guy represent to you, however unrealistic it might actually be? Does he seem exciting in a way that you like but feel you aren't yourself? Does he transmit to you some sense of neediness that you think that you alone can soothe -- and in doing so gain a sense of significance ("She Who Succeeded Where Other Women Failed")? I'm not trying to put you down, and the suggestions I've just raised might be off-base. But there's something in you that is pulling you toward this guy. Something that makes you inclined to care.

 

I have my own weak spots, and I attach significance to some people that baffle my other friends and my family. I don't seem to share your weak spots because you've described a guy that would hold absolutely no interest or fascination for me. So what's the draw for you? Knowing what drives you toward him can give you some power over the situation.

[cocomojo]

What draws me to him is when he is genuine and nice to me and the way he makes me feel. Maybe I wish he would be like that all the time.Yeah I told you all about how bad he treats me but under all that he is a nice guy who had a hard life growing up. In the beginning I just wanted to be his friend and just because he has kids and a girlfriend doesnt mean i couldnt be his friend....but it turned into more than that. I was only 18 years old and never have been with a guy for longer than 4 months and i've been with him for over a year. Of course it's goin to be hard to let go.Neways my prediction was right.....He called my cell phone today and I DID NOT pick it up. He left a message and said "Hey I was just seein how you were doin" I didnt call back.

[midori]

Originally posted by cocomojo

He called my cell phone today and I DID NOT pick it up. He left a message and said "Hey I was just seein how you were doin" I didnt call back.

 

Well good for you! Keep it up.

 

What draws me to him is when he is genuine and nice to me and the way he makes me feel.

 

But surely there are lots of other people who can be nice to you, and they don't have all the baggage. You haven't really examined why this guy in particular is so important to you.

 

he is a nice guy who had a hard life growing up.

 

sorry to hear he had a hard life growing up. A lot of people have. But that doesn't excuse his behavior in the present. And look: he is laying the groundwork for other people (his two kids) to have hard times growing up. Yep, sounds real nice to me!

 

In the beginning I just wanted to be his friend and just because he has kids and a girlfriend doesnt mean i couldnt be his friend.

 

In theory no, it doesn't mean you two couldn't be friends. But I return to my original question: why? When there are lots of nice people out there who don't have obligations to others that they're dodging in order to be nice to (and sleep with) vulnerable 18 year olds who have never experienced love.

 

Why are you vulnerable to a rat like that? It'll take some thinking to hit upon an answer, I'm sure. But it would be a good thing to know about yourself.