Where do you draw the line on giving money to family?

[Thinkalot]

I am wondering where you draw the line when it comes to giving money to family members to help them out.

 

I was brought up to believe family should help family, where possible. An only child, I also have a somewhat overdeveloped sense of responsibility when it comes to my parents (especially my Mum- my parents our divorced) and a desire to make sure they are OK. Sometimes I take on too much, worrying about things I cannot fix, or somehow feeling responsible for their happiness. I've recently been learning how to take a step back, something I have had to do, since entering a long term relationship and having new priorities to consider, with the man in my life.

 

My current situation is this: My man and I are earning good money between us, and saving hard to invest some, and maybe buy a place. When we met (over 2 yrs ago) we basically had little to start with and have been building up things together (we are both aged around 30 ) and trying to put money away for a possible future family of our own. We also hope to take a year off and go travelling/working, and therefore are putting a lot away and planning for that. On top of that, we are saving for our own wedding. We have big goals, but we are hardworkers and good savers!

 

My Mum, who lives by herself, recently bought a big house by the ocean. She was able to afford it, but it didnt leave her with much to spare. It was her choice to buy the place, but she doesn't have much income coming in (she is on a pension and due to back trouble cannot do much work), and therefore constantly seems to run short. She also sometimes spends more than she has.

 

My partner says Mum needs to be responsible for her finances and that it should not fall on our shoulders to help out (unless of course she is sick, or there is a desperate need), when we are just starting out ourselves and trying to set ourselves up for our future, and possible family of our own. He also points out that it was Mum's choice to go into a big house, rather than something smaller and investing the money etc, and that she has choices and is sitting on a great asset. I tend to agree with my partner (who is a financial advisor, and sees things fairly black and white in money terms) on this, although my emotions get involved a lot more. I realise mum needs to take responsibility for her finances and actions etc. Nevertheless, sometimes I still feel guilty that I have money and am saving a lot, while Mum has a limited cashflow. That said, we visit her a lot, and help out around the house/garden and do help out financially here and there with small things.

 

Mum is very happy in her place and doesn't ask us for money (she has in the past, but has since taken a step back and supports us striving for our goals). She is also getting by OK from week to week. She does tell me when she is struggling with big bills etc though, just to have a little vent I think, but I just still take on the worry.

 

What do others think? Have you been in a similar position? Did you find it hard also?

[ArdeaCandidissima]

It's great for you to be willing to help out with emergencies, but I don't think you should help your mother out with routine bills when she could readily have arranged her affairs to take care of them. I would say the same for parents relative to an adult child.

 

Save your money for yourselves, and for your mother in case the time comes when she really is in a true bind - such as a health emergency.

[Thinkalot]

Thank you. It's good hearing other people's perspectives!