Ira Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 (edited) I am not going to post all the details of my marriage. Why? Well truthfully I have joined other marriage forums and I did post the details and the end results were horrible!! Instead of answering my questions every one told me what a but head, jerk, selfish, mean etc. man I am married to. Guess what? I KNOW ALL THAT!!! lol So this time I want to try to get my questions answered by focusing as much as possible on me. I will say this much to help you understand what I am dealing with. I am married to a man who does not take care of me in ANY way. I mean this literally. If I were to trip and fall while holding his hand he would not make a move to help me back up. His reason and I quote "if you need my help ask me". The example I have used here is not an extreme example, it is the reality that sums up my marriage. When I do ask for help on rare occasions my request is met with anger that I am a inconvenience him. This can range any where from "while your up can you grab me a pop too" to I am in the bathroom and need some TP from the closet. To sum this up. I can not ask or expect anything from him on any level. We have been married for 15 yrs. Yes it has always been like this even in the dating stage, but not to this extreme. The level it was at in the beginning was something I thought I as a pretty independent women could live with. I will NOT divorce him!! Judge me if you want, tell me I am crazy. I have heard it all before. However I know the reasons why I stay and I am the only one who needs to know these reasons. However I now am tired of living in a mist of anger and hurt. I need to learn how to accept him and our lives the way it is without these never ending feelings of anger and hurt and total loneliness. When I am able to not show him my anger, hurt, frustration and am just accepting him as he is we have a great relationship. NO that is not why I stay lol However I know since I am staying I need to be healthy mentally and emotionally for myself. HOW???? I can not be the only women or man in a unhappy unfulfilled marriage. How do you remain OK inside yourself? PS: This is a second marriage for both of us, we are in our fifties and have no children at home. Edited May 19, 2011 by Ira Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 19, 2011 Share Posted May 19, 2011 get BUSY! get busy DOING all the things YOU love to do!!! THAT is how YOU find happiness on your own... by living "as if" you ARE on your own - and a way to enjoy it with the mindset that you are - essentially on your own. since he doesn't consider you - or your feelings - you must DO this for yourself. what he does or says - is insignificant - get busy being happy and active by participating in life on a level that brings about change for you on a daily basis. take classes, meet people, go hiking or walking, take up music lessons... anything is possible! open your mind to what CAN BE! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ira Posted May 19, 2011 Author Share Posted May 19, 2011 Those are GREAT ideas!!!! Thank you! I own a small biz I can throw myself into more which I love the work I do, plus I have a ton of hobbies I have been wanting to pursue. I will have to work out how to do these things and him not throw a fit though. He is the type of person who thinks I should sit around and wait for him to want to talk to me or do something with me He HATES me doing things without him, yet he hates to do most of the things I enjoy. he likes to sleep a lot and thinks I should be here waiting for him to wake up in case he wants us to do something together. Again nothing new, except it's worse and I am tired of it. In case anyone is wondering, yes I have talked to him about all of tis until I am blue from talking. He just get FURIOUS and turns it into a fight. So I will need to think on this to figure out how to keep the peace. I loath fighting!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ira Posted May 20, 2011 Author Share Posted May 20, 2011 Does anyone else have any ideas on how I can handle this? I guess I am just burnt out from thinking about it on my own and am in need of others ideas. Link to post Share on other sites
KR10N Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 This is messed up. Maybe he needs therapy? Or a good ass kicking? But I agree w/ 2sunny, just do a lot of stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Cee Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 I suggest going to Al Anon. There you learn how to love with detachment. And it's okay if your partner is not an alcoholic. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ira Posted May 20, 2011 Author Share Posted May 20, 2011 KR- This is not about what HE needs. It is about me. I can't change him. Cee - detachment. That is what I need! I could never think of the correct word to explain what I am looking for. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
KR10N Posted May 21, 2011 Share Posted May 21, 2011 KR- This is not about what HE needs. It is about me. I can't change him. The ass kicking part was not meant to be taken in a literal sense. However, most people that act the way your husband does, usually seek some kind of therapy. But whatever, your marriage. Right? Link to post Share on other sites
iris219 Posted May 21, 2011 Share Posted May 21, 2011 Do you think your husband could have Asperger’s? It sounds very much like it to me—the not helping you if you tripped because you didn’t ask would be a common reaction from someone with Asperger’s. Someone with Asperger’s may not understand that they’re supposed to help someone falling. If you think this could be a possibility, check out these books: Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome The Solo Partner is a good one as well and not focused on Asperger's at all. There are lots of other books and web resources out there about realtionships and Asperger's. You will have to get emotional satisfaction elsewhere because, if he has Asperger’s, he not capable of providing this in a way you can understand. You will have to create your own meaning in life. Make sure you have hobbies and a fulfilling social life, like 2sunny said. I dated someone with Aperger’s and it was the hardest, least rewarding thing I’ve ever tried to do. I was reminded each day how truly alone in the relationship I was (even though he was physically there). I am less lonely now that I’m single. Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ira Posted May 21, 2011 Author Share Posted May 21, 2011 Iris, I have a little knowledge about Asperger’s. I will look into this, but don't you think it is almost impossible for an adult almost 50 to have gone his whole life and no one pick up on this? Link to post Share on other sites
iris219 Posted May 21, 2011 Share Posted May 21, 2011 Iris, I have a little knowledge about Asperger’s. I will look into this, but don't you think it is almost impossible for an adult almost 50 to have gone his whole life and no one pick up on this? I actually think it's more common for older people to go undiagnosed because it's not something older generations are as familiar with, so yes it's possible. My ex is 37 and undiagnosed, but it seemed pretty obvious to me. I'm an educator, so I see it a lot. People with Asperger's want to be able to relate to others; they simply don't know how. They aren't trying to be insensitive or uncaring, but often they seem this way to others. They don't view their behavior as insensitive and are confused when people view it as such. They often can't show concern in a way we can understand. It's heartbreaking and it's why I stayed with my ex for so long. He wasn't trying to make me feel unloved. He just didn't know how to show me love that felt like love to me. Does your husband have a history of awkwardness in social situations and difficulty explaining his feelings and/or showing empathy? Has he always been considered "different," but it would be difficult to explain exactly why? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ira Posted May 21, 2011 Author Share Posted May 21, 2011 (edited) I spent hours today researching this subject and don't think that is his issue. I could be wrong. He was a jock at HS played football, was very active and well liked. He still is well liked by everyone. He acts totally different when other people are around then he does when we are alone. He is super nice to everyone else, very kind, talkative and such to others. He is very talkative to me as well. To a fault I would say. He never leaves me alone! I mean NEVER! I had to switch my work hours from his in order to have any peace and quiet. I know that sounds mean but he just won't stop talking. He can be as mean as possible to me and three minutes later just talk talk talk like nothing happened. I don't want him to have something wrong but really looked into this as then a "condition" would make some sense as to the way he acts towards me, but like I said nothing lines up. I do appreciate your input very much Edited May 21, 2011 by Ira Link to post Share on other sites
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