Boyfriend has OCD and Depression

[Wildrose88]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible for now, but the situation is very complex and very frustrating and this isn't the first time I've posted on an online forum. I just want a wide variety of responses/perspectives, I guess. I'll provide more details depending on the responses/requests.

 

Anyhow, I've been with my boyfriend for just over four years now. I'm 22 and he's 23. We met in our first year of college, were friends for about 6 months, and then started dating near the end of the year. For the most part, things were amazing. And I don't want to paint him in a completely negative light because he really is a great guy. He's smart, handsome, sweet, funny, thoughtful. He's one of my best friends. I could really compose a litany of his good traits, but they have been overshadowed by some negative points. Namely, his mental health issues. And it's not the fact that he has these issues that is the problem. The problem is that he refuses to get help or ignores the fact that he needs help. I don't even know how to approach it with him anymore.

 

Things started deteriorating near our senior year of college last year. He became very depressed after he injured his knee since he used to be quite an active young man. He started to withdraw from our circle of friends to the point where I was really the only one who spent time with him. He started snapping at me over little things like forgetting to turn my cell phone off silent or having to attend meetings for the various clubs I was involved in. I was a pre-medical biology major and an EMT-B, so I had quite a few obligations which up till then he would happily support. He made it seem like I was being selfish and not giving him enough attention since he was having a rough time. He always seemed to be angry with me and even started accusing me of doing things behind his back with another boy. I NEVER gave him a reason to not trust me and I've always held a no-tolerance policy for cheating so it really hurt that he even considered I might do something like that. But I ran myself ragged trying to give him attention-to the point where it was starting to negatively affect my health. Once he realized how much unfair pressure he was putting on me, he did back off.

 

But then that was OCD showed up. Now, he's always been a little skittish of germs, but nothing too serious. He managed to live in an all-male dorm and all-male college honors house throughout college with little problem. But things changed...quickly. Suffice to say, it has gotten to the point where, in his own house with his family, he will not touch the doorknobs so he rarely goes outside. He won't drive his truck ever since his grandfather took a nap in it (the man was staying with them after recovering from colon surgery), he won't use the washer/dryer in his house since he saw his father put a rug the dog had soiled in it. His hands are beginning to resemble reptile skin from the constant scrubbing. It's insane. We live four hours apart at the moment so if I want to see him, it falls to me to make the journey to pick him up and then bring him up to my house. The depression and OCD have trapped him in his own home and turned him into this bitter, angry, hopeless individual. He then lashes out at me over the phone, telling me I don't care about him or his situation, that I really don't love him. I mean, if I truly loved him, wouldn't I be able to make him feel better? Was there something wrong with me? Those questions haunted me a lot.

 

But I do love him very much, which is why I've put up with this for so long. But my patience is wearing thin. His own family can barely stand to be around him, which is heartbreaking. They don't seem to know what to do about him either. Everyone, especially me, feels like they're walking on eggshells around him. One misstep and then I'm left in tears over the things he will say to me. He really needs help, professional help, and while it's been suggested several times, he A) is too afraid to seek it out or B) feels like it's pointless or C) seems to think he no longer is the one with the problem...it's everyone else who has the problem.

 

I can't do this any longer. Everyone is telling me that I need to just walk away. I'm under no illusion that "love conquers all" in this regard because love won't fix his problems. But my heart is so torn up because part of me can't get over the fact that walking away would be giving up on him or abandoning him. But he's pretty much left me no other option. I don't really even know how to talk to him anymore. He's always so cold. He's shutting everyone out. And it hurts to see him like this, to see him in such constant pain. I can't imagine what he is going through, but I can't ignore what it's putting me through. His emotional problems are no excuse for the way he will treat me and his family. I do want to say he has NEVER been violent or abusive. That's not what is going on. And I have said some equally hurtful things that I would give anything to take back. But I do apologize for those things and I try not to repeat those mistakes. I'm sure I have my share of blame for the way things have fallen out.

 

Has anyone else had this issue in a relationship? Or, better yet, is there anyone who has suffered from depression or OCD who can offer some insight? Like I said, I really can't understand what he's going through so it makes it very difficult to approach him. But I do have experience with a loved one having a mental illness. My mother has suffered from bipolar disorder since before I was born. I want to be with him, but a relationship at this point is kind of impossible...I'm just not sure how to go about...pulling away. I still want to be there for him, especially if he decides to get help. Should I just be there in a friend capacity? Or should I just go NC completely?