Is he a codependent?

[Miss M]

So after being with my new boyfriend for 3 months, I have come to the realization that he might be a codependent person. I had never heard of the term until I met him. Can you give me your thoughts?

 

These are some of the reasons I feel that he is:

 

• I feel like he is obsessed with my schedule.
  
• He texts me and calls me all day long and I feel that it's because he wants to control me.
  
• He gets upset when i don't text him right away or call him.
  
• He has accused me of being up to something.
  
• He's always afraid that i'm going to cheat on him.
  
• He tries to make me feel guilty (indirectly) because he's home alone with nothing to do.
  
• He's always talking about other people, most of the time he talks about what they are doing wrong.
  
• He says he feels happier when I'm there with him.
  
• I feel that he is just focused on making me happy instead of making himself happy.
  
• He reacts compulsively sometimes.
  
• I feel that he is nervous and afraid.
  
• One time i did not reply to his text right away and he thought I was upset with him and he started sending me text after text literally begging me over and over to call him back.
  
• He blames other's for his problems and sometimes he tries to put the blame on me (indirectly) when he feels upset.
  

All the things i mentioned above he has done in a sweet innocent way. You might even have thought o that's cute he really cares about me, but I sensed that they are not healthy behaviours. He is actually super sweet, he always wants to do everything for me and always reminds me over and over how beautiful i am and how lucky he is, but I feel that he says those things out of insecurity.

 

I'm about to break up with him and I've received advice to be 100% honest with him as to why I am. Should I mention the word "codependent" to him? I feel that if I do that he may be able to look it up and become aware of his behaviors and hopefully someday be free from this? I don't know.

Edited May 16, 2011 by Miss M

[Star Gazer]

That doesn't sound like co-dependent to me, that sounds like straight up controlling.

[Miss M]

That doesn't sound like co-dependent to me, that sounds like straight up controlling.

 

 

Doesn't a codependent person have to feel that they are in control?

[Flgirl44]

The putting your happiness above his own situation.....there are people who do this as a form of control. They end up silently resenting you for all they have done to help, even when you might not have asked for it. It's like giving a gift then getting mad when the person takes it. It leads to an exaggerated need for approval and recognition that can be emotionally draining on the other partner(you). I don't know if that sounds familiar at all, but that aspect is part of co-dependency.

[Miss M]

The putting your happiness above his own situation.....there are people who do this as a form of control. They end up silently resenting you for all they have done to help, even when you might not have asked for it. It's like giving a gift then getting mad when the person takes it. It leads to an exaggerated need for approval and recognition that can be emotionally draining on the other partner(you). I don't know if that sounds familiar at all, but that aspect is part of co-dependency.

 

Well, he did tell me about how he was unable to continue with his 1st semester of college because he was too busy taking care of his nieces and nephews. He says he throws it in there face all of the time, messing around with them, but 1 day he had a little to much too drink and he repeated the story, this time saying he couldve been somebody, if it hadn't had been for them. I got annoyed and said, "I'm sorry but you can't blame them for that" and then he said, "well then I blame my sister for not taking care of them." Does that sound Codependent?

[Flgirl44]

Im not and expert on co-dependency but blaming others for choices he made out of self sacrifice is definitely a sign of not only co-dependency but also blame-shifting, not taking accountability, and playing victim. If he does something wrong, it's because someone else made him. Or your actions dictate his actions. It's never accountability for his own decisions because he bases them on other people as a way to shirk responsibility for his own happiness.

[carhill]

OP, IMO, it's probably healthier to break up with him, communicating your feelings regarding the decision:

 

'I felt smothered'

 

'I felt controlled'

 

etc, etc.

 

I'd refrain from psycho-analyzing him and/or his behaviors/impetuses. There's really no value in it. If there's a pattern to this for him, he'll have to identify it and treat it as appropriate, of his own volition. He's likely not able or willing to hear and process such criticisms from a girlfriend breaking up with him, regardless of whether they are valid or not.

 

Tell him how you feel, break up and move on.

[betterdeal]

I wouldn't care what descriptive label to give it; it sounds whack to be subjected to such a lot of pressure. I mean, relationships are supposed to be fun most of the time, not like you're babysitting a needy toddler.

 

In respect of what to do, acknowledge how you feel, say how you feel, say what makes you feel that way, and suggest positive alternatives if possible. That is one way to show him how you feel and what you want. For example:

 

I'd like you to stop calling and texting

so

much, all day every day. It makes me feel pressured and a bit resentful to be honest. How about we keep it down a bit?

 

There are good books out there you might wish to consider reading (and passing to him to read too), such as Relationships for Dummies

[VicJay79]

Miss M,

 

This guy likes you a lot. You should be happy you found a guy that cares about you as much as this. I think its all about how you see the facts. I also think you might need to explain to him that he needs to chill out a bit.

 

This guy has some of the same 'problem's I have.

 

He says he feels happier when I'm there with him.

I feel that he is just focused on making me happy instead of making himself happy.

I feel that he is nervous and afraid.

 

 

I don't think the above are problems, and are just signs of him really caring about you! I think its natural to be happier when you are with someone special. Moreover, it shows a genuine guy to care about your happiness so much.

 

Response?

 

 

So after being with my new boyfriend for 3 months, I have come to the realization that he might be a codependent person. I had never heard of the term until I met him. Can you give me your thoughts?

 

These are some of the reasons I feel that he is:

 

• I feel like he is obsessed with my schedule.
  
• He texts me and calls me all day long and I feel that it's because he wants to control me.
  
• He gets upset when i don't text him right away or call him.
  
• He has accused me of being up to something.
  
• He's always afraid that i'm going to cheat on him.
  
• He tries to make me feel guilty (indirectly) because he's home alone with nothing to do.
  
• He's always talking about other people, most of the time he talks about what they are doing wrong.
  
• He says he feels happier when I'm there with him.
  
• I feel that he is just focused on making me happy instead of making himself happy.
  
• He reacts compulsively sometimes.
  
• I feel that he is nervous and afraid.
  
• One time i did not reply to his text right away and he thought I was upset with him and he started sending me text after text literally begging me over and over to call him back.
  
• He blames other's for his problems and sometimes he tries to put the blame on me (indirectly) when he feels upset.
  

All the things i mentioned above he has done in a sweet innocent way. You might even have thought o that's cute he really cares about me, but I sensed that they are not healthy behaviours. He is actually super sweet, he always wants to do everything for me and always reminds me over and over how beautiful i am and how lucky he is, but I feel that he says those things out of insecurity.

 

I'm about to break up with him and I've received advice to be 100% honest with him as to why I am. Should I mention the word "codependent" to him? I feel that if I do that he may be able to look it up and become aware of his behaviors and hopefully someday be free from this? I don't know.

[VicJay79]

Star Gazer,

 

How is he being controlling. The fact is this guy really cares about this girl. He might want to know what she is doing, only out of curosity and desire to figure out why she isn't being as emotionally available.

 

That doesn't sound like co-dependent to me, that sounds like straight up controlling.

[Miss M]

Im not and expert on co-dependency but blaming others for choices he made out of self sacrifice is definitely a sign of not only co-dependency but also blame-shifting, not taking accountability, and playing victim. If he does something wrong, it's because someone else made him. Or your actions dictate his actions. It's never accountability for his own decisions because he bases them on other people as a way to shirk responsibility for his own happiness.

 

 

Yes, that's exactly what he is doing and I don't find that cool, since i'm not that way at all. I have seen signs of him doing it to me, such as when I have something important to do and can't be with him, he makes it seem like he's going to be at home alone miserable because of me. I see this as blaming his unhappiness on me.

[Jono85]

i think the bottom line here is that you want to break up with him obv b/c you aren't comfortable with some of the things he does. period. like someone else said it's not your job or duty to fix him or analyze any personality disorders. just break up with him as soon as possible and don't drag it on, so it's fair to him. i swear i saw in a thread of yours that you had a talk with him (that he initiated) and he said he'd tone it down a lot. what happened to that? i'm curious b/c even if he changes it seems you just don't want to be with him, which is fine, but end it and don't give him any more hope that if he changes things will be all gravy. furthermore it sounds like he has some issues to deal with (probs low self-esteem) and that is the root cause. so even if he calms down with the whole over-texting he wouldn't really be addressing the root cause, and it would most likely boil over again at some point.

[Miss M]

OP, IMO, it's probably healthier to break up with him, communicating your feelings regarding the decision:

 

'I felt smothered'

 

'I felt controlled'

 

etc, etc.

 

I'd refrain from psycho-analyzing him and/or his behaviors/impetuses. There's really no value in it. If there's a pattern to this for him, he'll have to identify it and treat it as appropriate, of his own volition. He's likely not able or willing to hear and process such criticisms from a girlfriend breaking up with him, regardless of whether they are valid or not.

 

Tell him how you feel, break up and move on.

 

Yes, I agree, I have already made up my mind to break up with him. Although, i'm really dreading it, because he is so into me. At first everything was new and exciting, and I did find some of those behaviours to be manly and cute, but I know better than that, and little by little, I started losing interest. I'm way to independent of a person to be with someone like this.

[Miss M]

Miss M,

 

This guy likes you a lot. You should be happy you found a guy that cares about you as much as this. I think its all about how you see the facts. I also think you might need to explain to him that he needs to chill out a bit.

 

This guy has some of the same 'problem's I have.

 

He says he feels happier when I'm there with him.

I feel that he is just focused on making me happy instead of making himself happy.

I feel that he is nervous and afraid.

 

 

I don't think the above are problems, and are just signs of him really caring about you! I think its natural to be happier when you are with someone special. Moreover, it shows a genuine guy to care about your happiness so much.

 

Response?

 

Yes, he does like me a lot and I have been with other guys that like me a lot that don't act this way. I don't have the energy to be with someone like this, I already feel drained out.

[Jono85]

Yes, that's exactly what he is doing and I don't find that cool, since i'm not that way at all. I have seen signs of him doing it to me, such as when I have something important to do and can't be with him, he makes it seem like he's going to be at home alone miserable because of me. I see this as blaming his unhappiness on me.

 

just remember that MOST healthy relationships, imo anyway, have a little bit of the things you are complaining about. it depends how it comes across. example..

 

girl: i can't remember i have girls night tonight at the pub

guy: of right, i forgot you were to ditch me tonight and leave me all alone

 

that stuff is normal. unless he keeps texting you reminding you of such and trying to make you feel bad etc. also the thing about "i feel happier when you're around". what's wrong with that? isn't that why ppl get into relationships, b/c their significant other makes them feel happier in general?? i don't get what the problem is with that at all really and am surprised you think that's a problem.

 

but again, i think the bottom line is you want to break up. there's nothing wrong with that, it's how you feel. but coming on here and venting over and over about the same things that you're clearly not comfortable with seems a little unfair to him. just end things and realize that he isn't right for you (it seems you've already come to that realization but aren't taking action).

[Eddie Edirol]

Yes, I agree, I have already made up my mind to break up with him. Although, i'm really dreading it, because he is so into me. At first everything was new and exciting, and I did find some of those behaviours to be manly and cute, but I know better than that, and little by little, I started losing interest. I'm way to independent of a person to be with someone like this.

 

Youre not even going to give him a chance to change? Maybe tell him that this is controlling behavior and its a turnoff to you?

 

Anyway, if youre gonna break up with him, tell him how his Jealous behavior has turned you off. he was probably cheated on before, doesnt know why, and doesnt realize that being overbearing is a complete turnoff. At least tell him this so he will eventually learn.

[Miss M]

i think the bottom line here is that you want to break up with him obv b/c you aren't comfortable with some of the things he does. period. like someone else said it's not your job or duty to fix him or analyze any personality disorders. just break up with him as soon as possible and don't drag it on, so it's fair to him. i swear i saw in a thread of yours that you had a talk with him (that he initiated) and he said he'd tone it down a lot. what happened to that? i'm curious b/c even if he changes it seems you just don't want to be with him, which is fine, but end it and don't give him any more hope that if he changes things will be all gravy. furthermore it sounds like he has some issues to deal with (probs low self-esteem) and that is the root cause. so even if he calms down with the whole over-texting he wouldn't really be addressing the root cause, and it would most likely boil over again at some point.

 

I guess I was just trying to learn more about codependent people. It seems that they are very troubled and it breaks my heart to see someone suffer especially someone that I care about, because I do care about him, he's just not for me.

 

That's the thing whenever I mention something that is not cool with me, such as the texting, he wants to change it and you are right, he's changing his actions, but I feel that the root cause of his actions is much deeper.

 

Perfect example was last night. He was waiting for me to call him and before I got a chance to he started texting me asking me if I was going to call. Finally i did and he asked what I was doing, I just said I was surfing the web, and he accused me of chatting with someone. He could tell that I got annoyed by that comment, and said "youre upset aren't you" I told him that I don't think that it's a healthy thing to always be feeling like i'm up to something wrong, and that I see that as being a problem in the relationship. He right away seemed to get nervous and said "i'm sorry, i'll change, I wont do that anymore, I promise ok?" I told him what I thought, I said " you may be able to change your behaviour, but you're still going to have those thoughts" and I just told him we would talk about it later, it was late.

Edited May 16, 2011 by Miss M

[carhill]

Codependent is loving and living with and dealing with the often extremely unhealthy behaviors of an alcoholic and refusing to or feeling the inability to leave because of an unhealthy attachment to the alcoholic, as one example. I've experienced this kind of co-dependency personally. In my case, it was an unhealthy extension of my natural emotional and attachment style and personality. If I loved them enough, they'd be OK. Contrary to the behaviors elicited in the OP, my experience was more of a self-destructive path rather than attempting to or effecting control over a partner. However, such behaviors could definitely be seen as 'smothering' by another person.

 

Here's the Wikipedia definition:

 

Codependency (or codependence, co-narcissism or inverted narcissism) is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.[1] Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including in families, at work, in friendships, and also in romantic, peer or community relationships.[1] Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, and/or control patterns.[1]

 

 

If you've already communicated your feelings and shared positive suggestions of changes you'd find healthy and he's unwilling to compromise, simply follow my prior post. If you haven't, it's still fine to break up but you might miss a great opportunity to learn something about yourself in relationship dynamics, namely the power and healthiness of positive and effective communication, a skill which will serve you well in any LTR in your life. Good luck

[Miss M]

Youre not even going to give him a chance to change? Maybe tell him that this is controlling behavior and its a turnoff to you?

 

Anyway, if youre gonna break up with him, tell him how his Jealous behavior has turned you off. he was probably cheated on before, doesnt know why, and doesnt realize that being overbearing is a complete turnoff. At least tell him this so he will eventually learn.

 

 

I would give him a chance, If I saw some positives about staying in the relationship. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone for the sake of being in a relationship, and I feel that his behaviours would become a bigger problem in the future and I would probably end up leaving anyway and it would just be a lot harder to do so.

[betterdeal]

I'll be interested to hear how it pans out if you do tell him what about him annoys you, hence your leaving him. Having been that guy, I wish I had been told sooner the direct consequences of my behaviour / the effect it had on women I grew close to. But of course you have to do what you feel is best for you, not perform social experiments for my edification!

 

The most life-changing thing my ex told me was "it's okay to ask for help".

[VicJay79]

Yes, he does like me a lot and I have been with other guys that like me a lot that don't act this way. I don't have the energy to be with someone like this, I already feel drained out.

 

Miss M,

 

You are going to break his heart. Before you do this, maybe you should sit down and talk to him. Tell him if things dont change you will 'break up with him'. I can somewhat relate to this fellow, and I know how hurt he is going to be. I wish my ex-gf did that to me...

[Miss M]

Miss M,

 

You are going to break his heart. Before you do this, maybe you should sit down and talk to him. Tell him if things dont change you will 'break up with him'. I can somewhat relate to this fellow, and I know how hurt he is going to be. I wish my ex-gf did that to me...

 

I talked to him last night, I guess I was acting a little weird when he picked me up and he asked me if I was going to break up with him. I was so sure that I really wanted to end it, and couldn't wait to do it, but I was surprised when it was me who started crying.

 

I decided to tell him all the things that concerned me about him and he actually thanked me for making him aware of them and was glad that we were communicating. He said he wants the relationship to work and is going to make all the changes necessary to make it work. He said that it was a conversation we really needed to have. I gave him specific examples of the things he did that I did not see, for me, as a positive person to be in a relationship with. He agreed with everything, he said, "you're right, that wasn't right of me, I had a feeling you were uncomfortable when I acted this way." He gave me his word that he was going to start making changes today. I truly, genuinely believe that he really wants this.

 

Vicjay: you seem to be aware that your behaviors might be causing problems for you. Is it easier to change your behaviours, than it is to change the emotions and feelings that lead to the behaviours?

Edited May 17, 2011 by Miss M

[VicJay79]

Miss M,

 

Its easier to change your behavior of not calling someone. However the REASON i feel like I need to call someone is always there. That is what I struggle with, privately. To my girlfriend she doesn't see how much I long to talk to her, or how much I want to hear from her. She just seems this strong guy that is giving her space. Behind the scenes, I am constantly wishing that she would e-mail me and let me know that she is thinking about me, or leaving me cute messages to show she cares.

 

There in lies the point. Its easy to change your behavior, but its what causes us to think that way that will take a lot longer to change. That will only change through self-reflection and love (of thyself and from our significant other).

 

 

 

 

I talked to him last night, I guess I was acting a little weird when he picked me up and he asked me if I was going to break up with him. I was so sure that I really wanted to end it, and couldn't wait to do it, but I was surprised when it was me who started crying.

 

I decided to tell him all the things that concerned me about him and he actually thanked me for making him aware of them and was glad that we were communicating. He said he wants the relationship to work and is going to make all the changes necessary to make it work. He said that it was a conversation we really needed to have. I gave him specific examples of the things he did that I did not see, for me, as a positive person to be in a relationship with. He agreed with everything, he said, "you're right, that wasn't right of me, I had a feeling you were uncomfortable when I acted this way." He gave me his word that he was going to start making changes today. I truly, genuinely believe that he really wants this.

 

Vicjay: you seem to be aware that your behaviors might be causing problems for you. Is it easier to change your behaviours, than it is to change the emotions and feelings that lead to the behaviours?

[Miss M]

Miss M,

 

Its easier to change your behavior of not calling someone. However the REASON i feel like I need to call someone is always there. That is what I struggle with, privately. To my girlfriend she doesn't see how much I long to talk to her, or how much I want to hear from her. She just seems this strong guy that is giving her space. Behind the scenes, I am constantly wishing that she would e-mail me and let me know that she is thinking about me, or leaving me cute messages to show she cares.

 

There in lies the point. Its easy to change your behavior, but its what causes us to think that way that will take a lot longer to change. That will only change through self-reflection and love (of thyself and from our significant other).

 

 

I wonder how difficult it is for someone to change those thought patterns. The 1st step is probably awareness and change could possibly be as simple as not thinking about it; being in the present moment. Have you read the book "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle?