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Marriage is falling apart


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I really feel that my marriage is failing, I have no idea what to do at this point.

 

To give some history on the issue, about 2 years ago she had an affair. We had separated at that time and were working on a divorce. After months of being away we decided we were happy together then we were apart and decided to give it another try.

 

Shorty after that we had to move to Germany (military) things were going fine. We had the perfect chance to start over. New job, new house, new friends what a better chance to put our past behind us. Then I found out I had to deploy for 7 months and would be leaving in 30 days.

 

Things were rough when I was away but we always managed to work it out. When I came home things were great for about 2-3 weeks. Was just like a honeymoon all over again......then it just stopped, no reason why. We decided to take a 2 week vacation in Europe and see get away from any distractions or home/work life. When we were on vacation she still seamed very distant and would not want anything intimate with me.

 

After the vacation things at home got worse. She acts like its a chore just to give me a kiss. Our entire marriage is going down hill. I try to talk to her about it, all I get is I dont know whats wrong. I dont know why I feel like this. I dont want to talk about it right now. Why do you always bring this up. You know I dont like talking about this stuff.

 

She claims that she still loves me and does not want us to split up again. I really dont feel like there is any connection any more. I dont feel like she wants to try to fix it. I dont know if she wants us to willow away and die or if she just thinks it will get better with time. That I will just sit and wait it to fix itself.

 

We dont have any kids, financial problems, or bad work hours. We are normally home daily by 6, have weekends free. We take turns cooking dinner, doing dishes, laundry ect. Im lost on what the problem can be, or even how to fix it at this point. I dont know how much longer I can keep doing this.......

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Jason T. Nelson

I gotta be honest here. It sounds like you're having more problems with this marriage than she is. In fact she might actually be considering your marriage as being perfectly fine.

 

Sometimes what happens is that our expectations of how things are supposed to be don't become realized. You may have pictured your marriage being different, or expected that when you came back from being deployed was going to be a certain way.

 

You said that there was a time period that felt like a second honeymoon. Unfortunately that honeymoon ends and reality does set in. That reality can simply be comfort.

 

Now that's one side of the coin.

 

The other side is that it sounds like you're crowding the plate here. Like you're smothering her, and almost begging for her attention.

 

I get emails all the time from men who dig themselves a deeper and deeper hole by trying to get their wife's attention. They basically smother there wives, which is the fastest thing in the world to repulse her attraction for you.

 

They ask questions like:

why are you so distant?

why won't you cuddle with me?

why do you never say I love you anymore?

 

It can also lead to blaming that they're messing around.

 

Don't fall into this viscous circle. When your wife feels like you're not confident enough in your self to have to constantly be vying for her attention then she automatically and instinctively loses attraction for you.

 

And here's the thing...why should she be more attentive to you. You're already giving her tons and tons of attention without her giving you any. You need to lay off, and start making her work a little more for your attention.

 

When she feels like you've become confident and that you really don't care if she pays attention to you or not, she'll begin to come around. Sure it sounds like games, but it's necessary. It's life. It's all mental like chess.

 

Hope that helps.

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