work responsibility? family responsibility? the drama continues.

[zingy again]

please tell me if i am wrong for feeling so pissed at these people.

 

at 8:00a.m. my daughter called crying and in severe stomach pain, she is 17 weeks pregnant.

 

she has had stomach troubles before and i thought probably just a flu bug. none the less, she said she was throwing up since 2:00a.m. and in such pain that she wanted to know if i could take her to the hospital.

 

so of course i did. i also had my delivery route to get done that day too. the route takes me about three hours, so i figured even if i was at the hospital with her till 1:00 i could get it done.

 

now the reason i had to stay with her is because we could not bring the baby (3 years old) to day care unless she is in school.

 

they keep logs of course of their attendance so if she is absent they will know and the day care will charge her and not be too happy for it either.

 

my route consists of 19 stops, if i were to bring my grandson with me, that means 19 times 2 of putting him in and out of his car seat...plus he likes to run!

 

anyway i thought when they let her go that i would get my route done then, so it was really no big deal, i've done it in the afternoon before so i was not worried about getting it done.

 

well about 12:30 the doc comes in and says her white blood count is extremely high!

 

he says it could be her appendix, or because she has been throwing up or just because she is pregnant.

 

he said if it is her appendix we need to know, the only way is to keep her here for about 12 hours to see if it gets worse.

 

so then i knew i could not do my route. i prompty called my boss, which is my boyfriends brother as well.

 

he was not in, so i got his cell phone, and susan his receptionist asked what was wrong.

 

so i told her, no biggie or so i thought. well his mom works there too, my boyfriends mom does, it is one big building that they share.

 

so she mentioned it to his mom, and in themean time my boyfriend called and i told him what was going on with my daughter.

 

right away he got all snotty about it, saying that i can't wait till the last minute then decide i don't want to do my route!

 

i tried to explain to him that i did want to do it, that i could not do it cause i had the baby with me!

 

he still did not get it! he said you cant expect my brother to drop everything and run and do the route.

 

you can't expect me to drop everything either to go and help you, but i guess i will have to now, so what time are you going to be home so i can meet you there, since you don't want to do your route, i guess i have to help you.

 

he went on and on about responsibility crap! he made it sound like i was purposely not wanting to do my route!

 

i was furious and am still so mad at him, i want to choke him!!!

i called him mom to see where rob (my boss) was.

 

she already new about it...what she did not know was that my daughter was in the hospital,she thought she was at a clinic appt.

 

when i explained to her what was going on then she settled down some. in the mean time though she was telling me all about responsibility as well!!

 

these people just didn't get it, and still dont!

did i really do something wrong here???

 

i am so angry at him and his mom right now, that i don't even want to see him!

 

i know already when he comes home from work that he will walk in, kiss me hello and chit chat about every day crap like nothing happened, while i will still be sitting there fuming!

 

so tellme please am i wrong, did i do something wrong to deserve all this wrath.??

[HokeyReligions]

Sometimes employers don't care what happens in a family situation and they expect that during your work hours you will get your work done. Most of the places I've worked for understand a family emergency. They may be harder on you because you are "family" and not just another employee.

 

Is this something that happens frequently though? I had a girl working for me once and I think her whole life was a crisis! Maybe one day a month she would actually come in on time, take only an hour for lunch, and leave on time. The rest of the month she came in late, called in sick a lot, took long lunches and left eary - because of family health problems. She tried to start a lawsuit when I changed her status to part-time and lowered her salary (which was all I could legally do) and she eventually quit and became someone else's headache.

 

If your bf comes home and acts like nothing happened then I think you should talk to him - calmly, and tell him how you feel and what he expects you to do in a situation like that. Not in a sarcastic way, but maybe he will have some constructive suggestions on how to handle the situation if it arises again. I would also let him know that rather then keep the hurt feelings bottled up you want to tell him that he hurt you by his words earlier and his action when he came home like everything was okay. Tell him you appreciate that he can let something go, but you just want him to be aware of how your feelings work and how you can be hurt and give him the opportunity to express his own feelings.

 

Does your daughter have a back-up babysitter? Can you find one?

[zingy again]

this does not happen very often at all! if it did i could see them getting all hysterical about it.

 

the thing was that they thought there was some pickups that had to be out that day!!!

 

there was none though, but still, they would of jumped down my throat just the same.

 

they are so hung up on "being responsible" "credit scores" and crap like that.

not that i am not, but the fact they let that crap fun their lives and expect others to folow, is just too much.

 

for almost five years my boyfriend has harped on me about my credit scores...they are just fine.

 

i even got rid of some credit cards per his suggestion..but still you cannot miss work, it does not matter how sick you are either.

 

you know yesteday was a very stressful day for me...i had to chase after a three year all day at the hospital, try to be there to comfort my daughter and put up with their wrath all at the same time.

 

i did not sleep well last night, am tired today, have to go finish the route now too.

i am not happy with b'f either...

 

he does not seem to ever get it through his think skull that what he says hurts me!

 

i have literally tried and tried to drill this into his head but he just thinks that i am either lazy, irresponsible, slacking, using him, hyper-sensitive, taking things too personally or what ever.

 

he does not realize that when he says hurts because plain and simple it is hurtful!

 

i have tried my hardest to get him to see that but he wont, can't or something.

anyway..my daughter had her appendix out and she is doing okay today.

 

in a lot of pain, dopped up on morphine and will be in the hospital for a few days yet.

 

i still feel attacked and hurt....i called rob, my boss, his brother the minute i found out what was going on...

 

why do they do this to me, did i really do something wrong here? i just don't get it, really i don't..

[moimeme]

Zingy -

 

This is almost always the way of the working world. No point in asking why and no point in letting it get to you.

However, you said before that part of one of your disorders included hypersensitivity to criticism. This must be an awful way to live. I don't know if your therapist can help you with this or not. I hope so because you really do have to somehow get used to the fact that people aren't fair, that work is often even less fair, and that that is unlikely to change. Sucks, but there it is.

[zingy again]

i know that you are right...but.........of course i still feel very hurt by all this...first him attacking me then his mother.

 

i felt so ganged up..i did not even say nothing to her when i dropped off my route today at the shop....she did notice but she did not say anything to me either.

 

i sent him a nice email telling him once again how i feel about being hurt and of course he sent a nasty one back about everything..

 

so i don't know..even if i was not hypersensitive how much do you think someone would hurt with insults hurled at them when something was basically out of their control?

 

i can't help but wonder if even the most strongest person in the world, would of been insulted or hurt by his remarks..

 

of course he is so arrogant at times that i could say anything to him and he would just laugh at me for it...

 

i don't know if that is actually arrogance or too much esteem...either way i still feel hurt..

 

maybe angry is more like it...

 

thank you for the awakening, lol...btw, i got the book klingsors last summer, it was totally awesome!

 

i will read it again and again i know for sure about that!

take care...

[zingy again]

does anyone know of any books or websites that may help someone who is "hypersensitive"?

 

i need help! i guess anyway according to him and others....i'm really open to some suggestions for being too sensitive here...

[cdn]

Originally posted by zingy again

 

 

i have tried my hardest to get him to see that but he wont, can't or something.

anyway..my daughter had her appendix out and she is doing okay today.

 

in a lot of pain, dopped up on morphine and will be in the hospital for a few days yet.

 

 

Didn't you say that your daughter is 17 weeks pregnant? How is the baby???

[moimeme]

Individuals with AvPD tend to respond to low-level criticism with intense hurt. To make matters worse, they become so socially apprehensive that neutral events may well be interpreted as evidence of disdain or ridicule by others (Donat, Retzlaff, ed., 1995, p. 49). They come to expect that attention from others will be degrading or rejecting. They assume that no matter what they say or do, others will find fault with them (DSM-IV, 1994, p. 662).

http://www.tljones.co.uk/apd/apd.htm

 

 

Here are some more links:

 

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/avoidantschat/

 

http://www.mental-health-matters.com/disorders/dis_details.php?disID=13

 

http://www.psychologynet.org/avpd.html

[zingy again]

to cdn, the baby is doing just fine..i felt him kicking away today, that is theeee coolest feeling i've ever felt in my life, either in my own tummy or someone elses, i love it!

 

she is home now and doing well finally after three days in the frickin hospital...my grandson went home today too and the house is unusually quiet and CLEAN!!! LOLOLOLOL...

 

thank you so very much for asking that was very nice of you!

 

moimeme:

the only disappointing thing is that there is not much for self help on this problem is there?

 

i read every single word of the links you posted. i can not find things like that even on google, so i have to thank you for doing that.

 

 

i was going to order that book from but it costs a lot of money for a book that you don't know if it will help or not.

 

maybe soon it will come to the library. DISGUISING? or something like that, i do'nt remember now, but it sounded interesting and says that it offers help for the AVPD.

 

i was also sort of relieve to see "hypersensitive" repeated in each article. that was interesting as well.

 

still i know that i am over sensitive, but i can't help but wonder where one would draw the line to be considered hyper sensitive, versus someone actually being mean and hurtful to someone, do you know what i mean?

 

anyway..been a lonnng day.too much candy, ugggh...need sleeeeeeep...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....thanks for help again too, you are very sweet with helping me...i wont take advantage of that!

[moimeme]

still i know that i am over sensitive, but i can't help but wonder where one would draw the line to be considered hyper sensitive, versus someone actually being mean and hurtful to someone, do you know what i mean?

 

I do. You'd need someone objective who watches you together to tell you. That's hard to find, unfortunatley.

 

Does your therapist not have any ideas on this for you?

[cindy0039]

Ziggy - Sometimes I order books from a site called http://www.half.com It's affiliated with ebay and you can find some real bargains on books and music there. The book might be pre-owned but in great condition. Check it out sometime.

[moimeme]

Good idea, Cindy! You just reminded me about http://www.Abebooks.com It's a local enterprise that helped me find a beloved book I'd wanted to buy again for a long time. A locally-based enterprise, I might add.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

Zingy, what your boyfriend and his mother did was not right at all. Family emergencies come first before work, and a good employer will honor that. Some people could have 3 babies, the flu, and work 16 hour days and expect their employees to be that driven and that dedicated because they are. Maybe your employers could go on with work despite a family emergency, but that's not you and alot of other folks, so don't feel like you are wrong or that something is wrong with you.

 

So many times when we look for a job, we're always taught to think about what we can do for the employer, but rarely we are taught to think about what the employer could do for us, what their personality is like and how it would contribute to productivity in the workplace. For instance, I recently temped at a job where all the employees hated the employer because he came in drunk everyday, was abrasive with everyone, fired people for no apparent reason, and brought prostitutes to the workplace....and mind you, he was a doctor. Every one walked on eggshells when he came into the office.

 

 

If the employers are stressing you out that much, and you always fear doing something wrong on the job or something to piss them off, and trying to live up to their expectations or their standards, you may want to reconsider where you work, and seek out to work for an employer that's a little more reasonable. Employers could be emotionally abusive so instead of reading on hypersensitivity, I would encourage you to read up on emotional abuse because that can cause hypersensitivity. You may have been emotionally abused in prior relationships with people, or the relationship you have with this boyfriend. There's a good book by an author name Beverly Engel on the emotionally abusive relationship.

[zingy again]

cindy and moimeme thanks for the links for the book, unfortunately i was not able to find it at any lower price then the $39.00 that was at barnes and noble.

 

i will suggest it to my boyfriend as an xmas gift, lol.

 

KD: i agree with you of course, that what they did was not right. they always put other crap in front of family anyway, that is just the way they are, yet when the holidays roll around everyone gets together and they are all very close anyway, so that is good for them.

 

i was just not brought up that way i guess. his whole family is pretty successful while my family is just average.

 

no one in my family has anything to really brag about as for money and success and i am that way too.

 

for me to live pay check to pay check has always been a way of life but for them that is thee last way they ever want to live!

 

that is fine for them i guess but at times i think they look down on us anyway because we are not like them.

 

well poo poo on them anyway...they all treat us really good and that is what matters most anyway.

 

my employer is his brother and he is not stressing me out at all! it was his mom and my boyfriend that were doing it.

 

i get along so well with his brother, he is the cool headed one, while his mom and him (my boyfriend) get too excited about everything too quickly.

 

i am so hoping that this anger/stress management counseling will help him. i was in counseling for a few months myself but now i am taking a break so he can go.

 

i am looking though for someone i can afford on my own. i have a few places to call on monday that were referrals from my previous counselor and some charge as little as $30.00.

 

oh also i found that book you suggested to and am going to order it from the library.

 

i have to hide it and read it though. he thinks that i am thinking of him as an evil bastard when in fact i do not think of him that way at all.

 

i just think he needs to quit putting me down, insulting me, and saying things to me that are so counter productive to uor relationship thus making me want to leave him.

 

even if i were deserving of some of his wrath the way he goes about it is counter productive, totally.

 

thanks for the replies from all of you!