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In love with a girl who just got out of a relationship (not a typical story)


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This is long but I promise you that this won't be your typical story.

 

Came across this girl while participating in a morning fund raiser selling donuts for a university organization that we were both involved in. We hit it off pretty fast and connected because we basically shared the same sense of humor. We also shared plenty of other things in common such as the same cultural background (Nigerian) and activities. That same day we have lunch and even connected more. I ran into her a couple of times that same week and hung out a few times.

 

A few days later, the same organization that we were helping to fund raise for was holding a huge cultural event at the university and we were both participating in it. The night before the event I had asked her out to hang out after the cultural event at some events place in the university and she said yes. Well after the cultural event, we start exchanging texts. Then we meet up just to play pool (and no I didn't pick it to show off. I'm horrible in pool and she wanted to learn how to play). Things go well and we end up hanging out in front of her dorm talking.

 

Now this is when she mentions someone else that, from what it seemed, was her boyfriend. Red flag I know. She sort of blurs the extent of the relationship (a bit over a year long now) and tells me that she wishes she could end it by herself. The boyfriend was living 3 hours away so he wasn't there with her. I foolishly ignore these flags and continued to want to know more about her. As days pass by I began to fall for her and slowly realize what I had gotten myself in. She was still in a relationship. Never been in this situation before so you can imagine how bad things will get.

 

One night (we were spending lots of nights together studying together and talking), I turn emotional after starting to realize the extent of her relationship with her boyfriend. She asks me if I was mad, I said no but clearly didn't show it when I got a bit teary eyed. Never felt so pathetic in my life. She gets teary eyed and emotional and begins telling me all these extremely personal things about her life. Then we began exchanging personal things. This is where we became extremely close.

 

So I finally find out that the same day that I had met her, she had a huge argument with her boyfriend. But before I knew this I had already told her how I felt about her. Not necessarily that I loved her, just that I had very strong feelings for her. We exchanged some texts which ended with her telling me that she isn't in love with me and just needed someone to be there for her like a brother. Yeah I had been "friendzoned" but I think I was there from the very beginning since she is in a relationship. Needless to say, I felt used.

 

The next day, I believe, she asks me to help her find a physician's office that she need to go to for a job shadow. We walk and she tells me the situation with her boyfriend. I tell her that she should just give him another chance and not jump into one with me. A very hard thing for me to say.

 

Next day, I couldn't handle it and foolishly changed my mind and told her that she should be with me. Another big mistake. I realize this quickly since it complicated the friendship and changed my mind again but this time telling her we should just minimize contact with each other. I told her I couldn't see myself ruining a relationship, that I would be pissed off if I was her boyfriend, and honestly would be paranoid if she agreed to be with me and leave her boyfriend. So we end contact for a good 3 and 1/2 months. Texted each other I believe 5 times throughout those 3 and 1/2 months just to say hi or something. Typical story right? Wrong.

 

After one and half months of trying to forget this girl, I succumb to rebounding. Tried to make the new relationship serious but failed because I knew it wasn't the same way I felt with the first girl. I still continued to talk and text other girls as well as stay productive in school in my attempt to move on. By the end of march she texts me (she hasn't done this for 2 months). I had a feeling something was wrong but I was happy she did of course because I wasn't completely over her, close, but not completely.

 

2 days later we chat on Facebook and she spills the news. She had finally made the decision to breakup with her boyfriend. I sensed rebound. So on the 2 second day we hang out I told her that I'm not going to be her rebound and she tells me that I don't know the kind feelings she has for me but told me that she was not planning on rebounding and didn't want me to feel that way. She asked me why I didn't bother to ask her what made her break up with her boyfriend and said she liked that. Then she went on to tell me. Her boyfriend is now 26 and she's 19. She tells me what lead to the break up was that he brought some 18 year old along when they went to the movies. Yeah, this guy takes some young very attractive 18 year old girl with him to the movies WITH his girlfriend. She even said that he called her a "close friend" in front of the other girl. She said lots of things since the past couple of months lead to the break up but that one was one of the main things. I sort of tried to comfort her but not over do it. I took forever to reply to her texts and never initiated them. Same goes with phone calls.

 

As days went by, we slowly began to hang out more and more. It was slow because I tried to avoid her. As we began to hang out people in the organization we were in began ask each of us separately if we were dating but we both just said no, that we were just friends. Well I had again started growing stronger feelings for that were beyond friendship at this point. We end up spending a lot of nights together in her bed. No sex or kissing, only a few times cuddling and laying close to each other. I had to be careful knowing she is vulnerable no matter how strong she appeared to be.

 

I began to feel like I'm being used again and we have a talk where I again tell her that she should give her ex boyfriend another chance. I smiled at her and walked away. Later that same night she texts me saying that she thinks she has giving way too much to him, doesn't feel like he deserves another chance, and tells me that she has a better chance of starting a new relationship with me than giving her ex boyfriend a chance. So she tells me that she will stay single and try to work on being by herself. Just before all this happened I had told her about another girl that I had attempted a relationship with during our 3 and half months of little contact. That was my poor attempt to get her jealous which sort of worked but she ended up encouraging me. The next day I tell her that it wasn't as great as I made it out to be and she becomes angry, telling me that she was going to miss hanging out with me since I would have a girlfriend but forced herself to encourage me to get back with that other girl. I knew in my mind that I would be kidding myself if I did get back with the other girl. So we immediately start hanging out again.

 

Well needless to say I was paranoid about being used again and told her that I need to back off and respect her decision to be single and not date. She replies saying she understands and realizes that by the amount of time we were spending together one would easily say we were dating. So we agreed to cut back spending time with each other so just not to complicate things for any of us. In my mind I didn't want that but new it was for the best.

 

Well it's been 3 days since we made that agreement and we have still been seeing each other like we were. However for these past 3 days we didn't spend 2 nights together like we usually do but we still spent a night with each other the day after we made the agreement to minimize contact..as if we just ignored it. We still talk and text quite a bit since these past 3 days but I never initiate them.

 

Last night I spent time with her and one mutual friend (a guy) studying in the library till about 4am. I didn't talk with her much at all, just had the other guy talk with her nearly the whole time. I can tell I have fallen for her because I fear her connecting with someone else but she tells me about guys asking her out and she declining. Don't know if that's her attempt to get me think that she is still wanted by guys or that she is serious about not dating. Though if you saw the amount of time we spent together you would be pretty positive that her and I were dating. I acted weird at times or unintentionally made her angry when we were studying till 4am last night. I had also told her back when she recently broke up with her boyfriend that I had lost all feelings I had for her. Right now she doesn't know that I have regained those strong feelings for her because I don't show it.

 

Based on what I have typed above, should I:

 

1: Slowly end contact with her completely so I don't mess myself up and get my hopes up.

 

2: Continue being there for her knowing how close we are now and avoid pressuring her into dating or going into a relationship with each other, especially knowing she is recovering from a recent break up. Also, just respect what she said about staying single and not getting into a relationship just now.

 

3: Tell her how I feel about her and attempt a relationship with her and possibly risk jeopardizing our friendship.

 

I'm going for option 2. But would like to hear any extra thoughts on this.

 

 

I forgot to mention. During the same night when she texted me saying that she couldn't give her ex boyfriend another chance after I had told her for the second time that she should, we talked on the phone and she had asked me if I thought we both could be in a relationship in the future. I paused for a bit and said "yes but definitely not now".

 

Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

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ShatteredReality

I say tell her how you feel and ask her if there is a future there. Otherwise you'll torture yourself forever.

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Hey,

 

Being friends with someone you really like is tough. It is so tough, that I would rather not be friends, and just move on. I would give this 'friendship' a solid 2 more months, and progressivly get more romantic. You can figure out how she acts as you get more romantic if she will ever see you in that light.

 

Good Luck

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is long but I promise you that this won't be your typical story.

 

Came across this girl while participating in a morning fund raiser selling donuts for a university organization that we were both involved in. We hit it off pretty fast and connected because we basically shared the same sense of humor. We also shared plenty of other things in common such as the same cultural background (Nigerian) and activities. That same day we have lunch and even connected more. I ran into her a couple of times that same week and hung out a few times.

 

A few days later, the same organization that we were helping to fund raise for was holding a huge cultural event at the university and we were both participating in it. The night before the event I had asked her out to hang out after the cultural event at some events place in the university and she said yes. Well after the cultural event, we start exchanging texts. Then we meet up just to play pool (and no I didn't pick it to show off. I'm horrible in pool and she wanted to learn how to play). Things go well and we end up hanging out in front of her dorm talking.

 

Now this is when she mentions someone else that, from what it seemed, was her boyfriend. Red flag I know. She sort of blurs the extent of the relationship (a bit over a year long now) and tells me that she wishes she could end it by herself. The boyfriend was living 3 hours away so he wasn't there with her. I foolishly ignore these flags and continued to want to know more about her. As days pass by I began to fall for her and slowly realize what I had gotten myself in. She was still in a relationship. Never been in this situation before so you can imagine how bad things will get.

 

One night (we were spending lots of nights together studying together and talking), I turn emotional after starting to realize the extent of her relationship with her boyfriend. She asks me if I was mad, I said no but clearly didn't show it when I got a bit teary eyed. Never felt so pathetic in my life. She gets teary eyed and emotional and begins telling me all these extremely personal things about her life. Then we began exchanging personal things. This is where we became extremely close.

 

So I finally find out that the same day that I had met her, she had a huge argument with her boyfriend. But before I knew this I had already told her how I felt about her. Not necessarily that I loved her, just that I had very strong feelings for her. We exchanged some texts which ended with her telling me that she isn't in love with me and just needed someone to be there for her like a brother. Yeah I had been "friendzoned" but I think I was there from the very beginning since she is in a relationship. Needless to say, I felt used.

 

The next day, I believe, she asks me to help her find a physician's office that she need to go to for a job shadow. We walk and she tells me the situation with her boyfriend. I tell her that she should just give him another chance and not jump into one with me. A very hard thing for me to say.

 

Next day, I couldn't handle it and foolishly changed my mind and told her that she should be with me. Another big mistake. I realize this quickly since it complicated the friendship and changed my mind again but this time telling her we should just minimize contact with each other. I told her I couldn't see myself ruining a relationship, that I would be pissed off if I was her boyfriend, and honestly would be paranoid if she agreed to be with me and leave her boyfriend. So we end contact for a good 3 and 1/2 months. Texted each other I believe 5 times throughout those 3 and 1/2 months just to say hi or something. Typical story right? Wrong.

 

After one and half months of trying to forget this girl, I succumb to rebounding. Tried to make the new relationship serious but failed because I knew it wasn't the same way I felt with the first girl. I still continued to talk and text other girls as well as stay productive in school in my attempt to move on. By the end of march she texts me (she hasn't done this for 2 months). I had a feeling something was wrong but I was happy she did of course because I wasn't completely over her, close, but not completely.

 

2 days later we chat on Facebook and she spills the news. She had finally made the decision to breakup with her boyfriend. I sensed rebound. So on the 2 second day we hang out I told her that I'm not going to be her rebound and she tells me that I don't know the kind feelings she has for me but told me that she was not planning on rebounding and didn't want me to feel that way. She asked me why I didn't bother to ask her what made her break up with her boyfriend and said she liked that. Then she went on to tell me. Her boyfriend is now 26 and she's 19. She tells me what lead to the break up was that he brought some 18 year old along when they went to the movies. Yeah, this guy takes some young very attractive 18 year old girl with him to the movies WITH his girlfriend. She even said that he called her a "close friend" in front of the other girl. She said lots of things since the past couple of months lead to the break up but that one was one of the main things. I sort of tried to comfort her but not over do it. I took forever to reply to her texts and never initiated them. Same goes with phone calls.

 

As days went by, we slowly began to hang out more and more. It was slow because I tried to avoid her. As we began to hang out people in the organization we were in began ask each of us separately if we were dating but we both just said no, that we were just friends. Well I had again started growing stronger feelings for that were beyond friendship at this point. We end up spending a lot of nights together in her bed. No sex or kissing, only a few times cuddling and laying close to each other. I had to be careful knowing she is vulnerable no matter how strong she appeared to be.

 

I began to feel like I'm being used again and we have a talk where I again tell her that she should give her ex boyfriend another chance. I smiled at her and walked away. Later that same night she texts me saying that she thinks she has giving way too much to him, doesn't feel like he deserves another chance, and tells me that she has a better chance of starting a new relationship with me than giving her ex boyfriend a chance. So she tells me that she will stay single and try to work on being by herself. Just before all this happened I had told her about another girl that I had attempted a relationship with during our 3 and half months of little contact. That was my poor attempt to get her jealous which sort of worked but she ended up encouraging me. The next day I tell her that it wasn't as great as I made it out to be and she becomes angry, telling me that she was going to miss hanging out with me since I would have a girlfriend but forced herself to encourage me to get back with that other girl. I knew in my mind that I would be kidding myself if I did get back with the other girl. So we immediately start hanging out again.

 

Well needless to say I was paranoid about being used again and told her that I need to back off and respect her decision to be single and not date. She replies saying she understands and realizes that by the amount of time we were spending together one would easily say we were dating. So we agreed to cut back spending time with each other so just not to complicate things for any of us. In my mind I didn't want that but new it was for the best.

 

Well it's been 3 days since we made that agreement and we have still been seeing each other like we were. However for these past 3 days we didn't spend 2 nights together like we usually do but we still spent a night with each other the day after we made the agreement to minimize contact..as if we just ignored it. We still talk and text quite a bit since these past 3 days but I never initiate them.

 

Last night I spent time with her and one mutual friend (a guy) studying in the library till about 4am. I didn't talk with her much at all, just had the other guy talk with her nearly the whole time. I can tell I have fallen for her because I fear her connecting with someone else but she tells me about guys asking her out and she declining. Don't know if that's her attempt to get me think that she is still wanted by guys or that she is serious about not dating. Though if you saw the amount of time we spent together you would be pretty positive that her and I were dating. I acted weird at times or unintentionally made her angry when we were studying till 4am last night. I had also told her back when she recently broke up with her boyfriend that I had lost all feelings I had for her. Right now she doesn't know that I have regained those strong feelings for her because I don't show it.

 

Based on what I have typed above, should I:

 

1: Slowly end contact with her completely so I don't mess myself up and get my hopes up.

 

2: Continue being there for her knowing how close we are now and avoid pressuring her into dating or going into a relationship with each other, especially knowing she is recovering from a recent break up. Also, just respect what she said about staying single and not getting into a relationship just now.

 

3: Tell her how I feel about her and attempt a relationship with her and possibly risk jeopardizing our friendship.

 

I'm going for option 2. But would like to hear any extra thoughts on this.

 

 

I forgot to mention. During the same night when she texted me saying that she couldn't give her ex boyfriend another chance after I had told her for the second time that she should, we talked on the phone and she had asked me if I thought we both could be in a relationship in the future. I paused for a bit and said "yes but definitely not now".

 

Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

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