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Hardest Question This Board's Ever Seen


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chucksagent

I will start by telling you all I don't know if there is a right or wrong answer to this - but I would appreciate as MUCH feedback as possible.

 

I am currently involed with the most AMAZING woman I have ever met. Her biggest weakness is that she is too nice. And no, I am not being corny - it's the truth (as you will soon see). We have chemistry like I have never seen...we laugh constantly...we enjoy the same things...she is BEAUTIFUL...the whole first 2 months I constantly pinched myself because I couldn't believe it was happening. Her friends and family LOVE me and my friends and family LOVE her...all my friends tell me I am the luckiest guy ever and she and I were meant for eachother. They tell me to marry her asap, etc. Lol. Stuff NOBODY has EVER said about ANY girl I've ever dated.

 

She and I have been friends since the beginning of last summer (so almost a year) and became intimate in November. She and her friends and my friends and I would all hang out occasionally. Every single one of my friends hit on her before we wound up together and she rejected every one of them (she is by far the prettiest girl in her group of friends and by far has the best personality). It was honestly the most natural progression from friend to lover. We would talk politely when out in public with common friends...then one night everyone else left and only she and I wanted to stay out, so we ended up talking for almost 3 hours just the two of us. Then we slowly started chatting on Facebook chat during the day (we both work in front of computers)...then slowly we started texting...then we started talking on the phone...finally one night, in spite of my friends (some of who are much better looking) striking out, I made a move and kissed her and she kissed back. Before you knew it, we were an item!

 

The Rub: She auditioned for and won the lead female actress in a local play. Tons of practice and then 3 weekends in a row of a show every single night. BUT, we were friends at first, I knew she did this, and I cared about her and supported her in this venture. BUT we NEVER got to do the standard Friday/Saturday night dates, going out, having fun...FINALLY the play is over, so I'm thinking we can get a late start on our typical courtship period of dating and having fun. BUT, here comes another Rub: her sister is recently divorced (her ex really F'd her over and she is heartbroken) and does an exchange (meets half way) with the kids to the ex husband. She has to drive to another state and it takes all in all about 4.5 hours. This exchange of this kids occurs on Friday and Sunday night every other week.

 

I will tell you, my girlfriend is 35 (was married once/no kids) and I am 30 (engaged once/no kids). SOOO she is more mature than a normal girl who just wants to be selfish and party all the time and for that matter so am I. HOWEVER, her sister is 41 and lived out of state for the last 13 years, so driving far isn't a difficult thing for her. My girlfriends parents kind of encourage her to go for the exchange with her sister for moral support (and my girlfriend really doesn't mind because she likes supporting her sister and seeing the kids).

 

Disclaimer: I already LOVE her sister like I would love my own sister. I swear on my family I honestly do. She is AWESOME to me, and I would do ANYTHING for her. We get along AMAZINGLY. Her 2 kids are the 2 greatest kids ever. Again, no lie. If anything, to help my case, I'd paint them all as monsters BUT thats why this is the hardest question EVER!!!

 

I personally think it's FAR too demanding to expect someone to do something like this 26 Friday's and Sunday's per year. ESPECIALLY someone in a fresh and blossoming relatonship. I'll bet when she and the ex who screwed her over first started dating they didn't have any HUGE responsibilites on Fridays and Sunday nights that took away from them enjoying their courtship period. People who are MARRIED and have kids have this problem!!!!! (problem is not making sure they have time for themselves to enjoy eachother) She and I don't have any kids and should be having fun BEFORE WE DO!!! (if we do)...

 

Because of the time of night that this happens, it totally ruins any chance for a date night on Friday's and Sundays. And trust me, its VERY hard to say "Ok Saturday will be our night," Because as I'm confident MANY of you know there are constantly birthdays, special events, famil functions, work fucntions, etc. happening that doesn't allow it to be so simple and finite that SATURDAY is the saving grace night.

 

I just don't understand why it can't be a once and a while thing she goes with her sister. Why does it have to be EVERY time? I think it's an awful lot to expect or ask of someone. I'm not even confident it's her sister expecting it (thought she does ALWAYS ask) but her parents expecting it.

 

NOTE: Ironically, she has a sister who lives 1.5 hours away who DID NOT come up for a single performance of my girlfriends play...I would think the parents would sooner demand 1 single act of kindness rather than a bi-weekly demand of SUPER kindness....unless it's because they know my girlfriend is WAY TOO NICE and will do it where her other sister would probably be like "I'm a grown woman who is busy - you can't tell me what to do."

 

Sorry I am getting off topic. Bottom line quesiton.

 

"Do you think my girlfriend should have (or even should she feel obligated) to go every other Friday and Sunday for almost 5 hours at night with her sister to take her kids to drop them off with their father, when she is in a new relationship and should be having fun and going on dates with me."

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Bottom line is that is her decision, based on her family situation. Having tried in the past to interfere with a girl’s family relationships, I would advise you against it. If she wants to do this, that's the end of the story.

 

From your point of view, the first thing I would suggest is see if there is a way to work around it. If Saturday is busy, there are still the other nights of the week. They are not ideal, but there's no reason you can't have fun any night of the week as long as both of you want to make it work. The important question really is whether she is making an effort to make it work for you. If she is saying things like she's too tired or busy to meet during the week AND she has family obligations on the weekends, I would say pull away from her. However, if she says something more like “I really have to do this family thing, but I will make it up to you by making time during the week” I would say by all means do that.

 

If she is as good a girl as you say, you are not going to easily replace her if at all. If you break up with her over this, you could easily spend the next year trying futilely to find a replacement, with no one to spend any of your nights with much less the weekends. Seriously, this is a solvable problem. I would love to have such an easy problem be the worst thing I had to worry about.

 

Also remember that this “niceness”, if it is a character trait, will almost certainly benefit you in the future. The situation with her sister will not last forever, one way or the other, and the next time you may be the beneficiary.

 

If you really believe she's being too nice to her own detriment, you can do a little bit of gentle questioning. Ask her things like “do you think it's really fair to you have to do this?” But, this will only help if you can do it with an attitude of purely trying to help her. If there is anything in your heart about “this is unfair to ME” she will sense that and it's probably going to backfire on you. If you really want to help her go ahead, but otherwise remember that it's her life, her family, and her decision.

 

Scott

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I will start by telling you all I don't know if there is a right or wrong answer to this - but I would appreciate as MUCH feedback as possible. <snip>

 

...I personally think it's FAR too demanding to expect someone to do something like this 26 Friday's and Sunday's per year. ESPECIALLY someone in a fresh and blossoming relatonship. I'll bet when she and the ex who screwed her over first started dating they didn't have any HUGE responsibilites on Fridays and Sunday nights that took away from them enjoying their courtship period. People who are MARRIED and have kids have this problem!!!!! (problem is not making sure they have time for themselves to enjoy eachother) She and I don't have any kids and should be having fun BEFORE WE DO!!! (if we do)... <snip>

 

....

 

Sorry I am getting off topic. Bottom line quesiton.

 

"Do you think my girlfriend should have (or even should she feel obligated) to go every other Friday and Sunday for almost 5 hours at night with her sister to take her kids to drop them off with their father, when she is in a new relationship and should be having fun and going on dates with me."

 

It's not a hard question at all. Your post is full of red flags indicative of selfishness and control issues.

 

1. Blood is thicker than water. You may think you have a good idea as to the family dynamics. You don't. This is her sister, and her sister's children are your girlfriend's nieces and nephews.

 

2. You are not married to this woman, and with this attitude you probably never will be. Her family will be an important part of her life and you are going to have to accept that.

 

3. Your attitude towards the relationship and your perceived self importance in the relationship is self centered.

 

4. Your attitude towards children and planning for the future is very immature.

 

That is my $0.02

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Irishlove

I can see where you are coming from. Can you go on the ride with her? IF you said that I missed that part. I do believe it's a burden to put on your girlfriend. When I was faced with that issue I would not ask any of my family members to do that for me.

Have you talked to your girlfriend and ask if maybe her sister can find someone else to do it twice a month or at least once a month? Is this only temporary? I can see you needing to know because it's YOUR time and life that you are putting on hold as well.

I would have a heart to heart with her.

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chucksagent

LMFAO!! Ha ha ha

 

I love this dynamic. IRISHLOVE and Scott both seem to grasp the idea of answering the question. Oldskool get's an F on this assignment. Not because his body of work sucked; but instead because he failed to answer the question presented on the test! Lol.

 

Oldskool - you are quite insightful because I have been called selfish before. I have also been told I am not the center of the universe. My best friend who has a doctorate from an ivy league school when I presented this problem to him (and who gives GREAT advice always) said 1.) You are not the center of the universe so don't expect her to treat you like it 2.) No grown adult human being should expect anybody to comply with such a ridiculous demand. So I guess, in a sense, he gave ALL of the answers thus far!!! Ha ha ha.

 

However Old Skool...you are way off on the control issue. If you think wanting to have a normal/stable relationship is controlling then yes, I am a controlling person and she should break up with me. One of my strengths as a person is seeing life like a chess game (self importance bling bling) and I, like a sheep, could ignore this issue now and let resentment grow, let our relationship suffer since we are losing a LOT of prime nights together, etc. Instead I am trying to (as any problem solver/person who can see the forest for the trees would do) figure it out ahead of time. SOOOO many divorces occur because parents focus TOO much on the kids and feel guilty getting a baby sitter and not having fun themselves...HORRIBLE MISTAKE. Proof is in the pudding.

 

Both Scott and IrishLove made GREAT suggestions. And IrishLove, yes, I actually HAVE been invited several times to go for the ride...lol. And as far as the "idea" of family...That's another sheep notion. You were quick to say blood is thicker than water. Than why didn't her OTHER sister come up to see her play? OR more to the point, why didn't the parents guilt trip her as they do my girlfriend??? Just a normal "family dynamic?" And that sister is married BUT DOES NOT have children...she is a teacher, so nights and weekends FREE. AND it was over 3 weeks, so ONE night should have been free - no excuses. Heck, if my girlfriend is expected to have every other Friday/Sunday free, 1 night should have been a cakewalk.

 

MANY of you seem VERY intelligent and VERY aware of life and people...So many of you HAVE TO AGREE, not everybody in a family is treated fairly. BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN WE AS FREE THINKING PEOPLE HAVE TO ACCEPT IT!!!!?!?!??

 

Honestly, why is stopping sheep behavior so hard for people? Everyone always says "That's just life - not always fair." But I say, why, IF YOU CAN CHANGE IT do you just have to accept it??? As I said, the reason this is so hard is because I do love her sister and the kids...but you must understand something; if my actual brother expected me to do it I'd say dude...you're a grown man! And go occasionally for support.

 

Please keep replies coming - I thought all of your replies were great and helpful!

Edited by chucksagent
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sunshinegirl
My girlfriends parents kind of encourage her to go for the exchange with her sister for moral support (and my girlfriend really doesn't mind because she likes supporting her sister and seeing the kids).

 

As far as I can tell, this is your answer. Your girlfriend doesn't mind doing this for her family. Apparently she doesn't mind to the point that she prefers to support her sister in this way than spend time with you on Fridays and Sundays.

 

Sorry that you don't like it, but as long as your girlfriend truly wants to do this for her family, your making a stink about it is only going to drive a wedge into your relationship with her, and/or her relationships with her family members.

 

Why is this the hardest question this board's ever seen? I've seen much, much worse problems and predicaments here.

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chucksagent

Best part of any message board I've ever been on is the bitter people you encounter...classic!!!! Lol.

 

A.) I used that heading because I wanted people to click on it - it's an old advertising trick...which apparently works, as you clicked on it and answered! Thanks for removing any doubt just in case anyone actually thought it WAS in fact the hardest question this board has ever seen...muahaha.

 

B.) Gaping hole between WANTING to do something and NOT MINDING IT. I don't WANT to cut the grass, but I also DON'T MIND DOING IT; it has to be done. HOWEVER, my contention is that this task shouldn't NEED to be done/expected of her. BUT her WANTING to do it presumes it's her priority for what she does on a Friday night...c'mon you're joking right?

 

You HAVE to be able to see the difference here-impossible to lump together.

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You wanted comments you got them. Your question was rhetorical and I illustrated the facts of life that make it rhetorical.

 

Your 12:10 post only reinforces my hypothesis about your control issues. Not only do you have control issues, you are obviously a game player and a manipulator. Quite frankly when and if you decide to use the "public opinions" you are gathering on this board to "show" your girlfriend how wrong she is, be sure to show her ALL the opinions.

 

Get this through your head: She WANTS to help her family more than she WANTS to cater to your selfishness.

 

Why is this the hardest question this board's ever seen? I've seen much, much worse problems and predicaments here.

 

^^ This!

 

FWIW, you mistake being fed up with narcissistic bs with bitterness.

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chucksagent

What does FWIW mean?

 

Also, why do you ignore the facts I have presented? Why does it have to be selfishness? Whatever brush you care to paint me with YOU are ignoring a healthy appetizer or facts.

 

This kind of neglect of loved ones has historically caused COUNTLESS problems in relationships and marriages. Anyone on this board can attest to that. Mom's forget to have fun and spend time with husbands (fathers) because children are born. Husbands neglect wives and kids because of work. What you, my good OldSkool are choosing to do, it attack me, defend my girlfriend, and IGNORE the fact that what's happening could REALLY cause long term problems for any relationship - NOT just a narcissitic person like myself. i.e. Let's pretend right now I admit 100% EVERYTHING you say about me is true...does that really CHANGE the heart of the question/issue? Honestly?

 

The kids are both VERY young; so is my girlfriend going to do this for the next 13 years??? Ruin ANY hope she has of having a family of her own? Sorry son and daughter, can't see you, have to go for this ride all the time with your aunt. Isn't someone you love just that - someone you love? Why is the REASONABLE answer here such a BAD thing? Split time??? Go some Friday's, go some Sunday's, spend some Friday's with me??? Everything these days in life AND politics are absolutes and I HATE IT! People can't think for themselves anymore. It's black or white - no grey....hmmmm...funny because life is ALL grey...nobody is EVER always right or ALWAYS wrong.

 

So, Oldskool, why is this simply "I'm selfish - she is right." Does that mean the father working long hours missing little league, missing dinner, neglecting his wife and kids is RIGHT because he WANTS to work hard to provide a good living? Maybe he just would RATHER work than spend time with his wife and kids. Does that mean the mother who neglects her husband and having fun and staying sane is RIGHT because she'd RATHER do that then worry about BOTH!?!?

 

I may be a selfish/controlling jerk - but you are small minded and foolish if you can't grasp what I'm saying here....

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sally4sara

I think Oldskool is on to something. I mean, I'm not ready to go off the deep and and declare you a narcissist at this point but what stood out to me first was this even before you began sharing how her familial relationship is getting in the way of your year long association and ideal timeline:

 

"all my friends tell me I am the luckiest guy ever"

 

And this:

 

"The Rub: She auditioned for and won the lead female actress in a local play. Tons of practice and then 3 weekends in a row of a show every single night. BUT, we were friends at first, I knew she did this, and I cared about her and supported her in this venture. BUT we NEVER got to do the standard Friday/Saturday night dates, going out, having fun...FINALLY the play is over, so I'm thinking we can get a late start on our typical courtship period of dating and having fun."

 

You really like being admired by your friends don't ya. ;)

 

And something she enjoys, is a passion, and she received recognition for was a rub to you. You TOLERATED it rather than adding it to her plus column and you were happy when it was over for her because, while it was probably fun for her - it didn't serve your wants and wasn't fun for you. Also, what is a typical courtship period isn't only yours to define. Maybe how things have worked out is typical or preferred by her? Calling something we want "normal" or "typical" is a manipulation tactic people use to persuade others to do things their way rather than what they suggest to be abnormal or unusual (the other person's way).

 

Please think about these things rather than jumping to the defensive. Is she a great individual you enjoy being around and could grow and share a life with or is she your newest prop to wow your peers with? Someone who was comfortable in the lead role of a play won't enjoy being someone's prop for long.

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TaraMaiden
What does FWIW mean?

 

For what it's worth.

 

 

I may be a selfish/controlling jerk - but you are small minded and foolish if you can't grasp what I'm saying here....

...An given that you can't grasp what everyone is telling you - that basically, blood is thicker than water, in this specific case, you have to suck it up an accept that this is what she wants to do.

 

Get over it, or get out of it.

 

You don't sound as if you're looking for advice, you sound as if you're looking for validation, as if you're looking for someone to agree with you.

And most, don't.

 

The question isn't hard.

What is hard, is you trying to accept that in this case, it's not you who's the centre of attraction here, and it bugs you because you believe you're entitled to be.

 

She survived perfectly well without you before she met you, and she can do fine without you now.

You're not priority, because you haven't been around as long as her family has.

 

Mom's forget to have fun and spend time with husbands (fathers) because children are born. Husbands neglect wives and kids because of work. What you, my good OldSkool are choosing to do, it attack me, defend my girlfriend, and IGNORE the fact that what's happening could REALLY cause long term problems for any relationship

 

These examples you give are irrelevant, because they don't apply here. Bottom line.

This family doesn't function in that way.

you're not married to her, and as such, have no equal relevance or importance.

 

7 months against 35 years?

 

No contest.

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ShatteredReality

Plenty of relationships blossom on seeing eachother EVERY OTHER WEEKEND. I don't see the problem here...honestly. So every other Fri-Sun she's all yours...every other Sat only you make plans for dates...or heaven forbid there's a b-day or some other family function that you two can attend together...

 

Look...I am not trying to insult you....please don't mistake my tone...I am just saying you're making a mountain out of a molehill. It sounds like you're more upset that you aren't already the center of her universe where she plans all activities around her life with you rather than the other way around. If you want to be with her and she's the absolute best thing that ever happened to you then adapt. She will sacrifice for you and you will sacrifice for her. If you expect her to do all the adapting and sacrificing you will use up all that you love in her, eventually she will become a shell of the person she is now, you will resent her and hate her for giving all of those things up and the relationship will die a painful death to both of you.

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ShatteredReality

Oh and btw...I make regular dates nights with my husband and we work hard to have fun together all the time. It's how you make a marriage work. If the wife ignores the husband for the kids he needs to COMMUNICATE with her about this and if he's ignoring her for work then she in turn must communicate this with him....ultimately neglect can lead to much larger issues...if you haven't already spoken to your gf about this then you need to ask yourself how good are the lines of communication in this relationship? If you don't have very open lines yet, get them, otherwise yet again I stress that the relationship will not last.

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chucksagent

Ok...I appreciate a lot of the feedback. Finally, some people provided facts and evidence in their attacks - and that is ALL I would ask for when doing so. Thank you.

 

In my defense.

 

1.) TaraMaiden - Very intelligent of you to spot I was looking for validation. You are absolutely right to say that...because I was. EVERYONE I know in person has said to me when I asked their opinion "Really, you aren't a factor in my decision; I think it's a demanding task for a family member to want you to do even if you're single." So really, 90% of people I asked in real life said to expect that of someone is a heavy ENOUGH burden for anyone of any age - much less a single woman with no kids QUICKLY reaching her prime when she found a person she really cares and and really enjoys spending tiem with. My girlfriend has flat out said to me "I feel so torn because I would rather be with you but I know my sister emotionally needs me."

 

So I don't think ANY OF YOU answered the REAL question (perhaps even underlying)...What if she WANTS to be with me - SHOULD SHE feel OBLIGATED to go with her sister?

 

2.) Sally4sara - easy about the whole "passion" thing. I love how women always do this for eachother...if this was video games, or golf, or going bar hopping with the boys, this would be INTOLERABLE! Listen...it's community theatre and yes, she does happen to be amazing at it. But who the HECK are you or I to determine what hobby deserves recognition as an officially acceptable hobby. If playing World of Warcraft EVERY night for 4.5 hours is what makes me happy and I am good at, should I be able to do it and HER BE HAPPY for me that ALL THAT TIME is being taken away from our relationship for me to play video games? She didn't get paid for the show she starred in. If I play enough golf, I may eventually win one of the local tournaments I am in. You ALWAYS hear women complain their husbands play too much gold. Honestly, folks, please tell me.

 

You all seem very reasonable and have made amazing arguments backed up with facts and evidence so PLEASE do it one more time:

 

1.) Is she obligated to go with her sister IF SHE WOULD RATHER spend the time with me?

 

2.) Should the hobby like theatre get preferred treatment to typically male hobbied like video games or golf? Because 4.5 hours a night, 4 or 5 nights a week is too much FOR ANY HOBBY! You can call that me being selfish or you can call it what it is regardless of my state of mine - a Fact.

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TaraMaiden
....

So I don't think ANY OF YOU answered the REAL question (perhaps even underlying)...What if she WANTS to be with me - SHOULD SHE feel OBLIGATED to go with her sister?

 

....

 

1.) Is she obligated to go with her sister IF SHE WOULD RATHER spend the time with me?

 

2.) Should the hobby like theatre get preferred treatment to typically male hobbied like video games or golf? Because 4.5 hours a night, 4 or 5 nights a week is too much FOR ANY HOBBY! You can call that me being selfish or you can call it what it is regardless of my state of mine - a Fact.

 

"IF" is a huge word.

The only person you can really get this answer from - is her.

 

'What If' indeed. What if she tells you - 'yes, this DOES take priority over what you want.'....?

Because whether she's doing it willingly or reluctantly - that's still what she's choosing.

Other stuff over you.

 

What IF that actually Is her choice?

If she decides this is actually what she wants to do - what will you decide?

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Honestly Chuck, I can personally see why this is a bit of an issue for you.

 

I think it's great that she supports her sister- but Sundays are the best day ever to spend time with your partner. I don't think you're being selfish for wanting to have some weekends with your girl. It seems her parents expect this of her- but when are they taking their turn for the drive? I'm curious why, if you have an open invitation to come along for the drive that you aren't capitalizing on that?

 

I have a brother with children, and I love them to death- but I want to live my own life too. I'd go out of my way for my brother- but not at the expense of my own pursuits on a constant basis.

 

I would advise talking to her about this- just be open about how you are feeling. If she's as caring and accomodating as you say- a good heart to heart talk- some negotiating, might open doors for some improvement in your relationship.

 

Communication is key to a healthy relationship- have you broached your concerns with her?

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whichwayisup

You want her to 'choose' you more often over her sister and her nieces.

 

 

So I don't think ANY OF YOU answered the REAL question (perhaps even underlying)...What if she WANTS to be with me - SHOULD SHE feel OBLIGATED to go with her sister?

 

I think it's more she wants to, rather than obligation. She enjoys seeing and being involved in her nieces lives, as well as seeing her sister. Maybe there's some sort of compromise, another sister can help out the other sister more, or other family members too. It's habitual, and probably been going on for so long, so there may be some guilt on her behalf to tell her sister "I can't this weekend.."

 

Be honest, be gentle and talk to your gf about how you feel.

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chucksagent

D-Lish - THANK YOU for rescuing me and not making me look like some heel like everyone else! She loves her nieces and nephews, but is it right, heck even healthy, for them to interfere with her own happiness and possible children?! I don't think anyone else on here really sees the forest for the trees here. Her very own relationship and happiness is being compromised for honestly no reason. As whichwayisup said so well...

 

Whichwayisup - Why can't another relative go? They have another sister, mother, father, cousins, aunt's, uncles, friends of the sister?!? Do you knwo why folks?!?! Because it's a CRAZY BURDEN to put on somone?!?! I don't think ANY of you (except for D-Lish and maybe one or two others) are HONESTLY putting yourself in my girlfriend or my shoes. 26 Friday's a year you are booked up for essentially NOTHING. Driving in a car to do NOTHING. Are you truly thrusting yourself into that role or the role of the significant other with 26 Friday's and Sunday's unavailable to be with their girlfriend. Or are you simply saying, blah blah blah, family first. Personally, I think you are all hypocrits. I can PROMISE you that if you had a sister or brother who wanted to paint his dog house for 26 Friday's and Sundays per year with their kids and NEEDED you to help every single time, you would say "Heck no, it's Friday, I got awesome and fun stuff to do with my boyfriend." lmao. Do most of you really not see the point here?

 

Response "Yeah Chuck, we see the point, you are selfish!" (Highlite me capitalizing Promise and Need) "See that, see what I quoted, that means you are a selfish jerk."

 

STOP ATTACKING ME AND DISCUSS FACTS LIKE D-LISH AND WHICHWAYISUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

If you can repost you would honestly paint the dog house 26 Friday's and Sundays with your brother/sister and her kids instead of hanging out with friends or significant other than you are either a liar or a fool.

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The question is, how long is this going to continue? If you get married, is she going to leave her husband at home alone while she goes off on these long drives? What if you had kids of your own - is she going to abandon them at weekends?

 

Personally I think her sister is being a bit selfish and immature. Why can't she take the kids herself - is she afraid of her ex or something? Why can't a friend or parent accompany her sometimes instead of your gf having to go? It seems ridiculous that your gf is expected to do this every single time...

 

A big part of the problem seems to be that your gf wants to do it - does she realize how much of a negative effect it's having on your relationship? I think you need to sit her down and explain that this is a problem. Tell her that you're happy for her to do it sometimes, but other times someone else needs to take over, and in the long term her sister should be able to handle dropping her own kids off to her ex.

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chucksagent

Eeyore - Your response, is LITERALLY almost verbatum what my friend who went to Cornell said. He gives THE BEST advice and is good at being impartial. He said "When does it end?" Cause the kids are young. And he also said "Why can't ANYONE else do it?"

 

My short answer is because my girlfriend is guilted into it and feels bad PLUS she loves her sister and the kids very much. I haven't been around super long, but her sister is AWESOME and the kids are truly amazing kids. BUT, to me thats all moot because it's more the personal demand than anything else, ya know? 26 Friday's and Sundays, I mean cmon people you're all being silly telling me I'm being selfish, lol, HELLO!!!! If I am being selfish how can you LOGICALLY say that her sister ISNT being??? hahahaha People are crazy!

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Mme. Chaucer

I believe it is her choice to do the kid thing with her sister, as well as to spend a lot of time on the theatre. Whether you think it's all "too much to expect" or that she's "guilted into it," those are still choices she's making. All you can do is either accept the situation, or state what you can accept clearly and lovingly to her (for example: "I am very invested in our relationship but I need to spend more time with you on the weekends.")

 

If she cannot give you what you want and need because of the other stuff she has going on in her life ... then this relationship is not for you.

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chucksagent

Very Fair Chaucer...

 

but what if in fact she IS being guilted into it? Nobody seems to be addressing that aspect of it.

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whichwayisup
Very Fair Chaucer...

 

but what if in fact she IS being guilted into it? Nobody seems to be addressing that aspect of it.

 

Then somehow she needs to learn how to say no once in a while and put herself first without feeling guilty on her own or letting her sister make her feel guilty. She is a people pleaser and that adds a lot of pressure on herself.

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Don't be so defensive. Listen to the advice people are trying to give you here. No one is attacking you. You just need to take a step back and look at your position in this.

 

Basically, this situation your GF has with her sister is part of her life. Whether or not she's "too nice" isn't the issue for you. It may well be an issue that she has. But that's up to her to figure out. You can tell her that in your opinion that you think she's going above and beyond the call of duty with these road trips. But as it relates to your relationship, it's really not your place to make it a problem. If it's a deal-breaker for you, then that's up to you. But by the way you describe this woman and how great she is, I think this relationship is worth putting up with it. It won't last forever. Her sister is obviously going through something terribly difficult. That won't always be the case.

 

If you truly love this woman, you will give her what she needs. Right now she needs to be there for her sister. Prior to that she needed to follow through with her acting talents. The fact that you're taking it personally that she has needs that take her away from you is a big red flag. This is why people are saying you're being selfish. You feel as though you need her to spend more time with you. So you're asking if you should be putting your needs ahead of hers. And the argument is that if you really love her, then you will being willing to make that sacrifice for her. If your need is really that great, then this is indeed a deal-breaker for you and the relationship is doomed. But I don't think you want it to be doomed. I think you ought to relax get your priorities in line.

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Why don't you simply ask HER how to "over come" this dating night issue?

 

Explain you understand that her sister needs her help right now but that you are trying to build a relationship with her and need some suggestions on how to do this with the time spent driving.

 

1. maybe she does not know you want more time

 

2. maybe this will show her that by doing this all the time she is giving up something for herself ( she may not see it )

 

OR ask her if another family member could do the trip for her once in a while so you two can do something special. That also may open her eyes up. NOT saying she is "dumb" lol but maybe just not really aware of what is really being expected of her to give up when no one else is giving up their time.

 

I guess my point is you can bring this up to her in several ways that may help her view it differently or will show you that she has no intentions of changing this plan.

 

These questions may also tell you if she is being guilt-ed into it and then you can go from there depending on her responses.

Edited by Ira
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