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Overly critical boyfriend..


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Old 20th April 2011, 11:43 AM   #1
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Overly critical boyfriend..

Hi everyone, I'm new to this whole thing and am a little nervous talking about all this but I really need some insight from an outside source.

Ok I've been with my boyfriend for three and a half years. Things were really great at the start but in the last year and a half of our relationship they have gone downhill significantly. He has become overly critical and judgemental over things like the fact that I get stressed about my college work (I'm one year away from completing my honours degree and am working weekends) he doesn't think I should be getting as stressed about this!

If I say Im tired if I've had a long week, he'll start giving out that I shouldn't be tired because I'm not as busy as him he works two jobs and is in a relatively successful band so he feels that since he is "busier" than me I should have no right to complain.
He started a fight with me one morning when I was getting ready for college because I put on a pair of pants that he doesn't like. He doesn't understand why I would wear them if he does like them. I told him that I like them so I'm going to wear them so then he started to criticise me sayng I only wear what everyone else wears and that I have no individuality.
He often gives out to me for the fact that I seem like I'm in a better mood around my friends than I am around him, despite the fact that I see him pretty much everyday compared to I get to see my friends once a week as we're all in different colleges.

I have tried telling him to stop being so critical but he just twists it around and says that he can't talk to me about things that are bothering him. It has gotten to the stage now where I have started to flip out at him when he starts criticising me because I'm getting so frustrated by him and then I start to say mean things to him. Its a vicous circle and when I tell him that I'm only freaking out because I can't handle the criticisms anymore he says I'm just trying to blame everything on him.

I just don't know what happened we went from two years of a really great relationship to this. I know that the obvious answer is just walk away from it all but after three and a half years together its hard to do. Does anyone have any advice?

Last edited by Noralu; 20th April 2011 at 11:48 AM..
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Old 1st May 2011, 2:39 PM   #2
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Noralu,

Yea, I understand. I use to do this to my ex-gf as well. I was really insensative, and honestly I regret it now. I would suggest you sit down and talk to him about how much this hurts you. I can't promise he will be an understanding boyfriend, but you need to make sure he knows at the very least.

You also might want to think about his argument for just a brief second. Even if he is tired, he is finding the 'extra' energy to make time time for you, and to hang out with you and go out with you. That 'extra' energy m ay be on borrowed time, and that is an overt action he is taking to show how much he cares. Something to think about



Quote:
Originally Posted by Noralu View Post
Hi everyone, I'm new to this whole thing and am a little nervous talking about all this but I really need some insight from an outside source.

Ok I've been with my boyfriend for three and a half years. Things were really great at the start but in the last year and a half of our relationship they have gone downhill significantly. He has become overly critical and judgemental over things like the fact that I get stressed about my college work (I'm one year away from completing my honours degree and am working weekends) he doesn't think I should be getting as stressed about this!

If I say Im tired if I've had a long week, he'll start giving out that I shouldn't be tired because I'm not as busy as him he works two jobs and is in a relatively successful band so he feels that since he is "busier" than me I should have no right to complain.
He started a fight with me one morning when I was getting ready for college because I put on a pair of pants that he doesn't like. He doesn't understand why I would wear them if he does like them. I told him that I like them so I'm going to wear them so then he started to criticise me sayng I only wear what everyone else wears and that I have no individuality.
He often gives out to me for the fact that I seem like I'm in a better mood around my friends than I am around him, despite the fact that I see him pretty much everyday compared to I get to see my friends once a week as we're all in different colleges.

I have tried telling him to stop being so critical but he just twists it around and says that he can't talk to me about things that are bothering him. It has gotten to the stage now where I have started to flip out at him when he starts criticising me because I'm getting so frustrated by him and then I start to say mean things to him. Its a vicous circle and when I tell him that I'm only freaking out because I can't handle the criticisms anymore he says I'm just trying to blame everything on him.

I just don't know what happened we went from two years of a really great relationship to this. I know that the obvious answer is just walk away from it all but after three and a half years together its hard to do. Does anyone have any advice?
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Old 1st May 2011, 4:54 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Noralu View Post
Hi everyone, I'm new to this whole thing and am a little nervous talking about all this but I really need some insight from an outside source.

Ok I've been with my boyfriend for three and a half years. Things were really great at the start but in the last year and a half of our relationship they have gone downhill significantly. He has become overly critical and judgemental over things like the fact that I get stressed about my college work (I'm one year away from completing my honours degree and am working weekends) he doesn't think I should be getting as stressed about this!

If I say Im tired if I've had a long week, he'll start giving out that I shouldn't be tired because I'm not as busy as him he works two jobs and is in a relatively successful band so he feels that since he is "busier" than me I should have no right to complain.
He started a fight with me one morning when I was getting ready for college because I put on a pair of pants that he doesn't like. He doesn't understand why I would wear them if he does like them. I told him that I like them so I'm going to wear them so then he started to criticise me sayng I only wear what everyone else wears and that I have no individuality.
He often gives out to me for the fact that I seem like I'm in a better mood around my friends than I am around him, despite the fact that I see him pretty much everyday compared to I get to see my friends once a week as we're all in different colleges.

I have tried telling him to stop being so critical but he just twists it around and says that he can't talk to me about things that are bothering him. It has gotten to the stage now where I have started to flip out at him when he starts criticising me because I'm getting so frustrated by him and then I start to say mean things to him. Its a vicous circle and when I tell him that I'm only freaking out because I can't handle the criticisms anymore he says I'm just trying to blame everything on him.

I just don't know what happened we went from two years of a really great relationship to this. I know that the obvious answer is just walk away from it all but after three and a half years together its hard to do. Does anyone have any advice?
It's obvious and it's hard but it's still the answer, OP; this should end.
The sadness and frustration in your post is overwhelming.
You've tried talking to him.
It doesn't sound like it did any good.
You feel controlled and invalidated.
It's not a good way to live.

Best to you.
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Old 1st May 2011, 5:02 PM   #4
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He sounds like a complete ass.

You could try telling him how it's going to be. Like, he either quits what he's doing or you'll finish with him.
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Old 1st May 2011, 5:02 PM   #5
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He just wants to be seen as important in your eyes as your Honours degree is.

And he's feeling the strain. Because the harder you work, the more he sees you drifting away.
It could be resentment or jealousy, particularly if he himself didn't have a similar level of education, and might feel threatened by your impending success.

he's wondering, will that mean he's not good enough for you any more? Not intellectual enough?

What are you studying?

The second year is always tough, but the third is more stressful yet, Because you may also have to complete a dissertation....

It's hard to make room for loved ones, when your head is full of facts, and mental exertion is just as hard and wearing as physical exertion.
But he can take a break, whereas with you, it's always on your mind.
I understand this, but he may not, because he's got a bit of the old male ego thing going on, and young bucks don't always take too kindly to being side-lined by brain stuff....

How do I know this?

my partner's just completed a 4-year law degree and has his 1st Class honours.

Worth every second?
Absolutely, definitely, indisputably.

Would I do it again?
Not a bat's chance in hell.
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