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New boyfriend wants me to delete ex from phone list and facebook.


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Hello,

I've been with my new guy for almost 3 months and we are really developing strong feelings for each other. He has asked me if I have my ex boyfriend on my facebook and I said "yes, i do". He also asked if I still have his # stored on my cell phone and he told me that it bothers him that I do. I also have my ex on my yahoo messenger, but he hasn't asked about that. Anyway, my ex and I have always been very close and sometimes we send each other good mornings and how are you and share a funny video or whatever over yahoo, but we never hang out or call each other. The only reason my new boyfriend knows that I still have him on facebook and phone is because he asked me, other than that I have never given him a reason to think that I still have any contact with him. My new boyfriend is very bothered by this and wants me to delete him. My reply to him was that it's not that I don't want to delete my ex, it's just that I'm kinda used to having whoever I want on my phone and on my facebook. Even if I don't want to delete my ex because i feel that he's part of my life in a sense, I think I still might if it really bothers my new guy, but I'm not sure if he's being controlling by asking me to do this, or if he has a point. I never asked him if he has his ex on his phone, I mean if i don't have any reason to think he's still talking to her why would I even ask?

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EyesWideOpen

It strikes me a little bit odd on both fronts...

On one end, it's a little strange to me that you would stay in such close contact with an ex. Good mornings are something I tend to reserve for romantic interests. It's a little unusual that you feel he is still part of your life.

But to each their own.

 

On the other end of the spectrum, it does make me wonder what the deal is with the new guy that he would want to ask and would be bothered by it with no provocation.

 

 

Is there any real reason of substance to stay in touch with the ex?

And is there any possibility that your unusual behavior with your ex may have gotten around to the new guy somehow?

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I agree. Delete your facebook account. No one in a couple needs it unless you really are looking for attention from other men or something on the side.

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Hello,

I've been with my new guy for almost 3 months and we are really developing strong feelings for each other. He has asked me if I have my ex boyfriend on my facebook and I said "yes, i do". He also asked if I still have his # stored on my cell phone and he told me that it bothers him that I do. I also have my ex on my yahoo messenger, but he hasn't asked about that. Anyway, my ex and I have always been very close and sometimes we send each other good mornings and how are you and share a funny video or whatever over yahoo, but we never hang out or call each other. The only reason my new boyfriend knows that I still have him on facebook and phone is because he asked me, other than that I have never given him a reason to think that I still have any contact with him. My new boyfriend is very bothered by this and wants me to delete him. My reply to him was that it's not that I don't want to delete my ex, it's just that I'm kinda used to having whoever I want on my phone and on my facebook. Even if I don't want to delete my ex because i feel that he's part of my life in a sense, I think I still might if it really bothers my new guy, but I'm not sure if he's being controlling by asking me to do this, or if he has a point. I never asked him if he has his ex on his phone, I mean if i don't have any reason to think he's still talking to her why would I even ask?

 

I probably represent a minority view on this here on LS, but I find that kind of behaviour unreasonable and annoying, and I don't accept it.

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It sounds a lot like she is holding on to her ex as a backup and her relationship with him never reached a proper resolution. You can't get into a new relationship with the old one lingering. You can delete everything you want girlfriend but it won't matter. You aren't over the last one. It is time he woke up and dumped you.

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shadowofman

Dump the possessive one. Friends don't tell other friends who they can and can't be friends with. Therefore he is not a friend. Therefore he is not worthy to be a partner.

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But a lover is not a friend. A lover is much more than a friend. A lover is someone you at least want to change for and try to even though you always fail. In that failure must come acceptance of the flaw or it can't last.

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I don't think he's being controlling. It sounds from what you have said that he's told you how he feels, what causes it and what he'd like you to do. That's good communication.

 

You can do the same in return. You may want some time to assess your relationship with your ex. You say you've always been close. Maybe it's this that your current is bothered by? You can ask him if that's the case.

 

Again, say how you feel, what makes you feel that way, and what you want him to do: I feel a bit unsure about your request that I lose contact with X. Is it because he and I talk so frequently? I'd like you to let me know a bit more about what bothers you.

 

Maybe you can reach a compromise. If you see your ex as a friend, explain that to your current, and suggest you become a bit less familiar with the ex, but that you'd still like to see maintain a friendship with him. If you see your ex as something more than a friend, this is what may be bothering your current.

 

Do you text sweet nothings to any other friends? Would you be happy if you current did that with an ex of his?

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I don't date anyone who is still friends with an ex, especially if they still see them in person. It's just too much hassle; it causes jealousy and issues in our relationship, and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I prefer to date someone who has left their past relationships firmly behind them and is ready to move on to a new relationship with me.

 

Why do you want to stay in touch with your ex anyway? Either he dumped you (in which case he isn't really much of a friend because he didn't want you), or you dumped him (in which case you didn't want him, so why do you want to be his friend?)

 

If I was your bf, I would politely explain how I felt, and would ask you to cut contact with the ex. If you refused, I would end the relationship. Is your ex really worth so much to you that you're prepared to spoil a promising new relationship in order to remain in touch with him?

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shadowofman

Then we have fundamental differences in our definition of a lover.

 

A lover is a person that will never try to change you, and would not even ask that you change at all, but would support any changes that you decide for yourself, up to a point that they can still recognize you as the person they once loved.

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Then we have fundamental differences in our definition of a lover.

 

A lover is a person that will never try to change you, and would not even ask that you change at all, but would support any changes that you decide for yourself, up to a point that they can still recognize you as the person they once loved.

Ah so your lover needs to be deaf and mute or not be able to recognize your flaws.
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I consider my ex my friend because I know he would be there if I really needed him, just like any other friend. Everyone needs someone to talk to sometimes, and there's certain things you can talk about with certain people that you can't with others and for a long time he's been part of my life for a long time. I don't communicate over the phone or hang out with him and I have never given my new boyfriend the impression that I even have communication with him. He hasn't asked me if I do, he's just bothered by the simple fact that I still have him on my phone and facebook and has asked me to remove him. The only reason he knows this because he asked me. I do really appreciate my new boyfriends ability to communicate the way he feels, but I'm the type of person that kind of does what I want when I want, ofcourse to a certain extent, i'm not going have converstations with my ex or go have lunch with him and expect my new boyfriend to be ok with it. I know that in a relationship you don't do that, but I'm not sure how to handle him wanting me to delete him from my phone and facebook. I mean I can, but if I still wanted to have communication with him I could if I really wanted to. Shouldn't he just have trust in the way our relationship is going and how we treat each other and the feelings that we have for each other that keep growing everyday? What should I say to him?

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Is your BF a friend of yours on FB ?

 

I'm inclined to say you should delete the ex only because you mentioned that you give each other good mornings via IM sessions.. that isn't appropriate while you are in a relationship unless the IM is work related.

I also sense that you are not going to tell him about the Yahoo IM friendship thing..that in itself speaks volumes.

 

I would add your BF to facebook so he can see your wall and if that is still an issue then I would remove the ex from your facebook..

 

Ex's are all about the past and not the future, your BF is the future...

Edited by Art_Critic
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I'm of two minds about this.

 

On the one hand, since your bf is bothered by the mere fact that your ex is on your FB and phone, his desire for you to cut all means of contact with your ex seems to come out of nowhere. It sounds to me like you need an honest conversation with him to find out why cutting all contact with an ex is important to him. Then you can move forward from there, using the methods betterdeal suggested.

 

On the other hand, you seem to be proving your bf's mistrust right. You aren't forthcoming about the fact that your ex is on your IM and that you are still in contact. You're with-holding information from your bf, information that he would likely deem necessary in order to judge for himself whether or not you two are truly compatible. The fact he didn't ask doesn't absolve you from recognizing that this is an important issue for him. In essence, you just lied to your boyfriend.

 

So what's the best way out? Honest communication. Ask him to explain why this is important to him, tell him why your ex is an important part of your life. See if you two can understand each other and reach a middle ground. That's what relationships are all about.

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Yes, my boyfriend is on my facebook and I don't get any comments from my ex on my page or any other guys for him to worry about.

 

He doesn't even know who my ex is, or even know his name, or when we broke up, because I never talk about him.

 

I'm not going to tell him about yahoo because I think that would just create problems and insecurities where there should be none.

 

Actually, the more and more I hang out with my new boyfriend the more I'm able to talk to him about stuff and the less I feel the need to talk to my ex.

 

I'm just afraid to give in to his demands of deleting my ex so that he can feel better when I've never given him a reason to worry. I mean, what about later on, is he going to be upset because there are men where I work, etc, etc? I don't think it's right for him to ask me to do that, but at the same time, i don't want to ruin our relationship because I don't want to be told who i can and can't have on my phone and facebook.

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What should I say to him?

 

If true, 'My ex and I have been friends a long time and friendship was the lone survivor of our past romantic relationship. We've resolved our romantic attachment. How do you feel about that?'

 

Questions for you:

 

Is your ex in an intimate romantic relationship?

 

How do you feel about your BF withholding information/relationships similar to that you've been withholding. Say, for example, he told you tomorrow that he's still 'friendly' with an ex and would like you all (she's got a BF) to get together for dinner. That would be a great topic to cover; expectations and boundaries.

 

I met my exW's second husband while I was dating her, and interacted with him on a couple of occasions. Seemed like a nice guy and had a good family. Wish we could've had a few beers and talked about his exW. So, you see, if I were in your BF's shoes, I'd like to get to know this ex better. ;)

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Kamille is right - be honest with yourself first and then express this to him.

 

You feel a bit pressured and you don't understand what's led to this. You also feel you can open up more to him and are enjoying developing your relationship with him. You'd like to know what has brought this on and whether he feels the relationship is growing as much as you do.

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Yes, my boyfriend is on my facebook and I don't get any comments from my ex on my page or any other guys for him to worry about.

 

He doesn't even know who my ex is, or even know his name, or when we broke up, because I never talk about him.

 

I'm not going to tell him about yahoo because I think that would just create problems and insecurities where there should be none.

 

Actually, the more and more I hang out with my new boyfriend the more I'm able to talk to him about stuff and the less I feel the need to talk to my ex.

 

I'm just afraid to give in to his demands of deleting my ex so that he can feel better when I've never given him a reason to worry. I mean, what about later on, is he going to be upset because there are men where I work, etc, etc? I don't think it's right for him to ask me to do that, but at the same time, i don't want to ruin our relationship because I don't want to be told who i can and can't have on my phone and facebook.

 

Do you have any idea what prompted his request? Did you discuss it at the time?

 

You're jumping pretty quickly to the conclusion that his actions are "controlling". (And yet, witholding information from him and keeping in touch with an ex behind his back when he would deem that information important is also controlling. You're not giving him information he would deem necessary in order to protect himself - all because you're afraid to lose him).

 

There is another path: figure out why he feels insecure about your ex and be honest about the importance your ex holds in your life. As Carhill says, if true, point out to your bf that you have no residual feelings for your ex. Be open to hearing your bf out on this topic. Also, tell him openly and with confidence, how his requests makes you feel. The goal isn't to win the argument, but to communicate so as to see if you can find a compromise that will work for the both of you.

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Well, he has mentioned that he is afraid to be cheated on and says he does have insecurities about that. He's always in constant communication with me throughout the day which is nice, but it also concerns me at the same time. I'm very independent and am not the controllable type and have managed to handle his ways pretty good and have been able to establish the type of person that I am and be myself (being nice and sweet about the way I go about it ofcourse . I'm just not sure how to handle this delete my ex off my phone and facebook. My new guy is super sweet to me and treats me like a princess and makes me laugh, i'm just afraid that his insecurities might get in the way, or will I be able to manage.

 

I don't ask my new boyfriend who he talks to and who he doesn't, if i don't see anything getting in the way of our relationship then I don't worry.

 

Should I just delete my ex to make him feel better, or is he being controlling?

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