Go to ex-fiancées wedding?!?! Tricky one!

[chocolate_boy]

Story summarised quickly, I dated a girl for 3 years back in 1999-2002, and we were engaged at the time, to this day she's still my longest relationship, and really the only girl I've ever loved. I've had 4 ltr since then, but we've always stayed in touch over the last 9 years, and to be honest I've never stopped loving her.

 

Our families were close too, and over the years both our parents have told us we were made for each other and should be together, and we almost have on a few occasions.

 

We split because we were both young and had different goals in life, not through lack of love, I ended it, and to be honest have regretted it ever since. Last summer we spent a lot of time together and she told me she was falling for me again, thing is we lived at opposite ends of the country, I really missed her a lot and tried to get a job near her, sadly after 5 interviews nothing happened.

 

She thought about it, and said that I'm one of her closest friends and she couldn't bare it if we got back together and split and then lost that, and she met a new guy at work she started dating. This was last August, since then they became engaged last December and are due to be married in July this year.

 

She has invited me to her wedding and said I'm like part of her family and she couldn't imagine not having me there cos I'm so important to her, she also brought her new guy to meet me last month, he seemed nice and asked me if I'd come as it would mean a lot to them both.

 

We chatted later and I told her I still loved her and I don't know if I could sit there and watch her marry someone else, even though he seemed a really nice guy. To be honest it's always been my biggest fear that one day she'd marry someone else, and it's come true.

 

I said I'd think about it, she's asked me a few times since, and said there's no rush, and she thinks she is being selfish, but as someone so close to her she wants me there.

 

I really don't know what to do, even seeing her parents and family again after 9 years, when I used to practically live at their house for a long time etc. I just think it will be so weird, and probably really sad.

 

By the same token, I do care for her, probably more than anyone in the world (my family excepted) , and I want to make her happy, but I don't know if I can sit through it and watch the woman I've always loved, my soulmate it feels like, marry another guy.

 

What can I do?

[Eeyore79]

I think it would be painful for you, uncomfortable for her family, and I'm sure her husband doesn't want his wife's ex at their wedding. The best thing is to stay well away.

[chocolate_boy]

I think it would be painful for you, uncomfortable for her family, and I'm sure her husband doesn't want his wife's ex at their wedding. The best thing is to stay well away.

 

I thought as much and told her that, she's saying it would mean a lot to her fiancée and her family if I was there, he's also asked me in person if I'd be there. I'm sure he's just doing it to make her happy though, I can't imagine any guy liking the idea.

 

Especially as after he met me, he told her he could see why we were together as we get on so well and laugh all the time and we seem better suited than he does with her, which made me think he'd been a bit jealous when he met me.

 

Her happiness is important to me, even though I'll never be with her again, I do want this to work for her.

 

She just gets so sad when I say I'm not coming, her parents sent me an invite too over the weekend.

 

How can I say no without hurting her feelings?

[Eeyore79]

If you really think that she wants you there, and her family and fiance want you there, then by all means go if you want to. I'm giving advice based on how my family would feel, but just because myself and my family would find such a situation uncomfortable, it doesn't mean that her family would feel the same. They might all be perfectly happy for you to attend.

 

I still wouldn't recommend that you go though, because you still love her and it would be painful for you. You already told her you still love her, so it's perfectly acceptable to use that as a reason for not attending her wedding. If I were you, I'd also begin slowly reducing contact with her after the wedding; a married woman doesn't need an ex hanging around to confuse things, and neither does her husband.

[chocolate_boy]

If you really think that she wants you there, and her family and fiance want you there, then by all means go if you want to. I'm giving advice based on how my family would feel, but just because myself and my family would find such a situation uncomfortable, it doesn't mean that her family would feel the same. They might all be perfectly happy for you to attend.

 

I still wouldn't recommend that you go though, because you still love her and it would be painful for you. You already told her you still love her, so it's perfectly acceptable to use that as a reason for not attending her wedding. If I were you, I'd also begin slowly reducing contact with her after the wedding; a married woman doesn't need an ex hanging around to confuse things, and neither does her husband.

 

I agree with you actually, I'd hate having an ex at my wedding. She stays in contact with me, in fact when she announced she was getting married I actually tried to just vanish and not contact her any more, but she's always calling and texting me, sometimes every day of the week, she came to see me on Sunday, she's invited me down to stay for the weekend in two weeks, she just seems to always make a big effort to stay in touch.

 

I think she really wants me in her life, apparently her new guy is fine with it, but he is a typical "nice guy" and I think he just says things to please her. I've just got a new girlfriend recently too, I think maybe I need to talk to her.

 

I'm going to see her in two weeks, maybe then would be a good time. I don't feel it's appropriate either, but every time I mention that she's like "No he's fine with it, he really likes you, he wants you to come stay/call me/us to be friends" etc.

 

It also worries me a bit that last summer she was asking me to give things another try with her, and now she's marrying a guy she's only known like 8 months, I think things could get messy with me around.

[O'Malley]

Wish her and her boyfriend well, but make plans for yourself that day, so that you don't focus on your past with her. There is no way to avoid some painful feelings here, whether you attend or not. Just let her know that you are unable to attend because of your feelings, no arguments, no long discussions. Just change the subject or say that you have to go.

 

It's not just her day, it's her fiance's as well, and regardless of what he has stated, he probably does have some hesitancy about your friendship with her. How your girlfriend feels should also be taken into consideration. That doesn't mean you drop off the face of the earth immediately, but it's better, as Eeyore suggested, to start lessening and responding to contact and become acquaintances rather than close friends, in order to better move on with your lives.

[Kelemort]

This has got to be an act on her fiancee's part. Who's going to be that thrilled about an ex being at the wedding, even if it ended that long ago?

 

You say you still love this girl and have feelings for her. Well, it's obvious that you shouldn't be at the wedding, even if she really "wants" you to be there. Send a card, maybe a gift, and be done with it. Don't go.

 

I also think that no longer having contact with her, at least for a short while, may help you get over some of these feelings. It's not going to happen, buddy. And I feel sorry that you have now brought a girlfriend into this when you still feel so strongly about an ex from years and years ago.

[Lauriebell82]

I agree with the other's that you shouldn't go, and that her fiancee is just going with the flow to appease her. I'd be irked if my husband had wanted an ex gf at our wedding, and I probably would have voiced that. I also find it a little odd that she contacts you as much as she does, that's got to make her fiancee a bit uncomfortable as well.

 

I think you need to distance yourself from your ex. I don't think it's a good idea for you to go out there and visit her either. Maybe she sees you as a backup, like if things go sour with her fiancee she has you to fall back on? That may be completely untrue, but it's just something that crossed my mind....

[smudge21]

I still have feelings for my ex and even though we've been friends, I know for a fact there's no way I can attend her wedding later this year. I too get along with her better than her fiance, everyone knows it. We're both very similar whereas he's her total opposite, but me and him do get along really well, so I can understand your situation quite well.

 

It's clear you still have very strong feelings for her and have a lot of regret building up, so could you honestly watch her make a life long committment to another guy? It's going to be bad enough knowing it's happened, but to actually witness it and then spend the rest of the day surrounded by all the happy faces, when deep down inside yourself you will feel terrible and just want to run away.

 

As much as she and virtually everybody else may indeed want you there, you've got to think about your own feelings. You still love her and I dare say, still want her. Just apologise and be honest with her. You do love her and wish her well, but you can't attend. If she really cares for you, then she'll understand. Send a gift, but then make yourself busy that day so you're not thinking about it.

[Cee]

Skip the wedding because if your ex is your friend, she will understand.

 

And truth be told, she will spend a total of 6 minutes with you the entire time. Weddings aren't good places for brides and friends to reconnect. Basically, you sit and watch them go through silly rituals.

 

The pain she'll feel with you not being there is miniscule compared to the pain you'll feel being there. Take care of yourself and do something for yourself on the wedding day. Perhaps go out with friends and talk through your sadness.

[daniels50]

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[chocolate_boy]

 

I also think that no longer having contact with her, at least for a short while, may help you get over some of these feelings. It's not going to happen, buddy. And I feel sorry that you have now brought a girlfriend into this when you still feel so strongly about an ex from years and years ago.

 

 

Well I've had 4 serious girlfriends since her, and sometimes gone months or a year or so without speaking to her, I just can't seem to ever get over her, no matter how hard I try, sadly no one had really taken her place in my heart since. I wish they would, I've cared for and loved my other girlfriends in their own way, but never the same as it was with her. :/

[chocolate_boy]

I still have feelings for my ex and even though we've been friends, I know for a fact there's no way I can attend her wedding later this year. I too get along with her better than her fiance, everyone knows it. We're both very similar whereas he's her total opposite, but me and him do get along really well, so I can understand your situation quite well.

 

It's clear you still have very strong feelings for her and have a lot of regret building up, so could you honestly watch her make a life long committment to another guy? It's going to be bad enough knowing it's happened, but to actually witness it and then spend the rest of the day surrounded by all the happy faces, when deep down inside yourself you will feel terrible and just want to run away.

 

As much as she and virtually everybody else may indeed want you there, you've got to think about your own feelings. You still love her and I dare say, still want her. Just apologise and be honest with her. You do love her and wish her well, but you can't attend. If she really cares for you, then she'll understand. Send a gift, but then make yourself busy that day so you're not thinking about it.

 

Yeah the thought of it makes me feel sick actually. I'm visiting the city she lives in next weekend, for a mutual friend's birthday, I'll sit her down and have a talk to her and say I can't come.

[chocolate_boy]

Lol, what Cee said...if you are there, she will only get a few minutes to even acknowledge it. Brides are always way too busy mingling to give alot of attention to one person.

 

But that aside it's all up to you; that would be painful for anyone; but it also might give you some closure. And I'm sure that her family would be very happy to see you and spend time with you while you were there.

 

But it doesn't really sound like you want to go, so if you don't, just explain to her it's just too hard and hope she understands. Send a gift and best wishes.

 

Also think about this though: you will move on eventually and find someone you love...if you get married oneday would you want her to be there? That is something to consider because if you decide to skip hers, she will remember that.

 

Tough decision to make...good luck.

 

Yeah I think I need to look out for myself here, I was only going for her, I have no desire to be there. Fact is maybe we can't be friends, and that upsets me a bit, but I just don't think I can ever not love her, I've been trying not to for almost 10 years now and it just never goes away, I'm not like I used to be pining for her etc. any more and I do like my current gf a lot, but whenever I'm with my ex-fiance there's a strange feeling and I miss her a lot for a few days after.

[Eddie Edirol]

Ill tell you the descision to make.

 

You tell her NO, and dont worry about her feelings. If you will never be with her again, it doesnt matter what her and her family thinks.

 

If she is getting married this fast, its possible that she will be getting divorced fast anyway, and she might come looking for you. But you still want to be with her, and you shouldnt go to this wedding because it will make you sick to your stomach. Tell her that. She tells her family, they will all understand.

 

You shouldnt be talking to her anyway, but if she cuts you off after you say no, then she never really wanted to be friends with you. You tell her if she cares for your feelings at all she will understand your decision.

 

YOU DO NOT GO!