Responsibility in Relationships.

[Flgirl44]

In my own personal experience growing older I have realized that you are responsible for your own happiness. Nobody is going to cultivate that for you, but yet many people expect that from their spouses and relationships.

 

My theory, some of which is supported by own experience, is that people tend to place too much responsibility for their happiness unfairly on to other people and this causes a lot of problems or perceived problems in relationships.

 

Ex)"I cheated because he/she didn't make me happy by doing x,y,z"

"I'm resentful because she/he doesn't share my hobbies/show attention"

 

I'm curious what other members of LS think about being responsible for your own happiness.

Do you think that this is a common mistake? A source of dissention?

A sign of immaturity? A justification for misbehavior?

 

 

Here's a recipe for disaster i've found :

1 part making you responsible for happiness

1 part entitlement

a dash of selfish tendencies and.....

[ComeUndone]

In my own personal experience growing older I have realized that you are responsible for your own happiness. Nobody is going to cultivate that for you, but yet many people expect that from their spouses and relationships.

 

My theory, some of which is supported by own experience, is that people tend to place too much responsibility for their happiness unfairly on to other people and this causes a lot of problems or perceived problems in relationships.

 

Ex)"I cheated because he/she didn't make me happy by doing x,y,z"

"I'm resentful because she/he doesn't share my hobbies/show attention"

 

I'm curious what other members of LS think about being responsible for your own happiness.

Do you think that this is a common mistake? A source of dissention?

A sign of immaturity? A justification for misbehavior?

 

 

Here's a recipe for disaster i've found :

1 part making you responsible for happiness

1 part entitlement

a dash of selfish tendencies and.....

 

Yes I agree with you. I do this myself, put more responsibilty on him to make me happy. I am aware that I do this though and am trying to change myself. What I struggle with is the deciphering where his responsibility ends and mine begins, because certainly as my SO he has some responsibility to the relationship and my happiness as do I to his.

[ALonerAgain]

In my own personal experience growing older I have realized that you are responsible for your own happiness. Nobody is going to cultivate that for you, but yet many people expect that from their spouses and relationships.

 

My theory, some of which is supported by own experience, is that people tend to place too much responsibility for their happiness unfairly on to other people and this causes a lot of problems or perceived problems in relationships.

 

Ex)"I cheated because he/she didn't make me happy by doing x,y,z"

"I'm resentful because she/he doesn't share my hobbies/show attention"

 

I'm curious what other members of LS think about being responsible for your own happiness.

Do you think that this is a common mistake? A source of dissention?

A sign of immaturity? A justification for misbehavior?

 

 

Here's a recipe for disaster i've found :

1 part making you responsible for happiness

1 part entitlement

a dash of selfish tendencies and.....

 

 

Absolutely!

 

It's definitely a common mistake: I think the majority of society has it all backwards.

 

In another relationship forum (not LS), there's actually a post on there that proposes the idea that:-

 

"We each bring 100% to the relationship. NOT 50% each!"

 

So, yes, that would mean re-thinking the whole:, "well I did x, y and z for her/him. She/He should do the rest."

 

I think this was the major problem in my last relationship: my ex was doing x,y,z and I was happy enough for me to do a,b,c - which wasn't part of his agenda (I simplify of course. There's way more to the story than that). And yes, I've been guilty of this thinking pattern myself.

 

The problem comes in finding a potential partner wise enough to recognise and agree with this theory, considering the fact that most people are still looking for their 'other halves'!

[Flgirl44]

Yes I agree with you. I do this myself, put more responsibilty on him to make me happy. I am aware that I do this though and am trying to change myself. What I struggle with is the deciphering where his responsibility ends and mine begins, because certainly as my SO he has some responsibility to the relationship and my happiness as do I to his.

 

I had trouble drawing the line in my last relationship as well. The SO are definitely taking up resources like time and effort that could be put towards your own pursuits so there does become a point where they should be at least a little responsible for an aspect of your happiness.

 

My mistake was putting too much pressure on him to make me happy and fulfill my hobbies since I had no other friends at the time. I should've just gotten friends that like to play tennis/golf/be ourdoorsy, instead of getting resentful about him not doing those things with me.

 

I too am trying to change and be more responsible. I try to think what I would do if I were alone. Or if I would hold it against a friend what I hold against him. This is what im trying to bring to my next relationship.

[Flgirl44]

Absolutely!

 

It's definitely a common mistake: I think the majority of society has it all backwards.

 

In another relationship forum (not LS), there's actually a post on there that proposes the idea that:-

 

"We each bring 100% to the relationship. NOT 50% each!"

 

So, yes, that would mean re-thinking the whole:, "well I did x, y and z for her/him. She/He should do the rest."

 

I think this was the major problem in my last relationship: my ex was doing x,y,z and I was happy enough for me to do a,b,c - which wasn't part of his agenda (I simplify of course. There's way more to the story than that). And yes, I've been guilty of this thinking pattern myself.

 

The problem comes in finding a potential partner wise enough to recognise and agree with this theory, considering the fact that most people are still looking for their 'other halves'!

 

People do seem very much to look for love for a sense of completion in their lives and I am one of them. I think it leads many to feel let down. You know the saying " No matter where you go, there you are" --- you can't run away from yourself. I firmly believe you should be fulfilled and happy with yourself before entering a relationship, not looking to the relationship for that. It's very easy to shift the responsibility to someone else and who better than the person closest to you taking up most of your time, energy, and resources. That's what I did, and what I am trying to change. Thanks for the response!

[Flgirl44]

Absolutely. I have spent years being completely single before and it becomes very adaptive; adaptive to doing your own thing and building independence. Then I dated a guy that was clearly not that way. It was clear that he relied on having an SO to be a happy person. That's when I realized I was ALREADY a happy person and needed a guy that was the same way - well I have that now.

 

The other problem with that ex was he wasn't "happy" because of ME, but just because I was THERE. People like him don't love the actual person (but think they do), they just love that they are THERE. So nice gestures are ultimately just to keep you around, not for the simple fact of doing something kind because you deserve it. For my ex this was money; he had alot of it, and thought smothering me with it should secure my position. I had actually had to remind him that I don't date men for money...duh. Anyway point is that a person like this is cleary not secure enough about themselves. And yes, it all justified his behavior in general, but that certainly didn't make me want to stick around longer.

 

Im glad you replied because your post really encourages me to stick to being single. I really need time to myself and get into my own groove so I can be more confident in my sense of self and gain some independence back.

 

The second paragraph is so spot on to my last relationship I can't even believe it. My ex has a lot of money and would always think that was enough to subsidize other areas of effort in the relationship. I too, had to remind him that I wasn't dating him for his money and if he was going to use it as an excuse, to stop spending it on me.

 

Also the "loving that I am THERE" part really hit home. He did many things that were not consistent to what I consider true love and partnership and it started to feel like he did not love the same way that I did.(-many times shirking responsibilities due to money) Seems like all that he required was a pretty girl that laughs at his jokes and is appreciative of his money. Well guess what- that shoe can be filled by many many women- thus making me pretty replaceable-and that's exactly what he did once he didn't get his way.

 

It's hard to see that someone's perception of love is so shallow because I wrongly assumed his definition of love was the same as mine. It's hard because I would like to assume that people love me for my unique qualities not that I fit a shallow mold and happened across him at the right time.

[dreamingoftigers]

Absolutely. I have spent years being completely single before and it becomes very adaptive; adaptive to doing your own thing and building independence. Then I dated a guy that was clearly not that way. It was clear that he relied on having an SO to be a happy person. That's when I realized I was ALREADY a happy person and needed a guy that was the same way - well I have that now.

 

The other problem with that ex was he wasn't "happy" because of ME, but just because I was THERE. People like him don't love the actual person (but think they do), they just love that they are THERE. So nice gestures are ultimately just to keep you around, not for the simple fact of doing something kind because you deserve it. For my ex this was money; he had alot of it, and thought smothering me with it should secure my position. I had actually had to remind him that I don't date men for money...duh. Anyway point is that a person like this is cleary not secure enough about themselves. And yes, it all justified his behavior in general, but that certainly didn't make me want to stick around longer.

 

I just have to say that I love this thread!:love:

 

This is what I have been trying to do in my own life, make myself happy despite the relationship issues I have been faced with.

 

I look at it as a challenge, if I can find inner peace and happiness despite this roaring tide, then I have truly made it! I have found that I am making it!

 

I have found parts of me that are lovable, I am working on problematic behaviours, I am more organized and more purpose-filled. All of that has made my messed-up relationship smoother, despite that fact that I think my husband is quite mentally ill.

 

I truly believe that the most loving thing we can do for those around us is to take care of our own happiness.

 

Most people do not even know what makes them happy and yet they expect their spouse or SO to do it for them. That's like expecting to send my spouse grocery shopping for the meal I want to make and not even giving him a list of ingredients! If he were to come home with Tacos, and I scream that he got it wrong, I wanted spaghetti!

 

By knowing what makes you happy, you do not depend on others to do it for you, this frees them up to find their own paths to happiness.

 

You can actually give loving gestures and behaviours without them being "on loan" until you get your happiness back from them.

 

My father tries/tried the money thing too. He would subsidize it in place of being there and being nice. Doesn't work. We have no relationship. My husband tried substituting in other behaviours to justify his cheating etc. Doesn't work.

 

Loving one's self and behaving lovingly towards others is the only way to sustain a healthy, happy long-term relationship with someone.

 

Most people confuse that with selfishness, but it couldn't be farther from the truth!

[ALonerAgain]

I just have to say that I love this thread!:love:

 

This is what I have been trying to do in my own life, make myself happy despite the relationship issues I have been faced with.

 

I look at it as a challenge, if I can find inner peace and happiness despite this roaring tide, then I have truly made it! I have found that I am making it!

 

I have found parts of me that are lovable, I am working on problematic behaviours, I am more organized and more purpose-filled. All of that has made my messed-up relationship smoother, despite that fact that I think my husband is quite mentally ill.

 

I truly believe that the most loving thing we can do for those around us is to take care of our own happiness.

 

Most people do not even know what makes them happy and yet they expect their spouse or SO to do it for them. That's like expecting to send my spouse grocery shopping for the meal I want to make and not even giving him a list of ingredients! If he were to come home with Tacos, and I scream that he got it wrong, I wanted spaghetti!

 

By knowing what makes you happy, you do not depend on others to do it for you, this frees them up to find their own paths to happiness.

 

You can actually give loving gestures and behaviours without them being "on loan" until you get your happiness back from them.

 

My father tries/tried the money thing too. He would subsidize it in place of being there and being nice. Doesn't work. We have no relationship. My husband tried substituting in other behaviours to justify his cheating etc. Doesn't work.

 

Loving one's self and behaving lovingly towards others is the only way to sustain a healthy, happy long-term relationship with someone.

 

Most people confuse that with selfishness, but it couldn't be farther from the truth!

 

I this thread too!

 

I wish more people would bother to take the time out to do this. Unfortunately, most people learn what they know about 'love' from their upbringing.

 

The whole monetary/gift-giving thing seems to occur a lot - especially from a man's view. I realise my ex knew what to buy me before I knew what I wanted!

 

Yes, there should be a complete re-definition of the idea of 'loving yourself =selfishness'. The fact is, everyone is selfish to a degree: we all look out for ourselves and have our own agendas. Otherwise, who else is going to look after us but us??

 

I think people are so scared to be seen as being 'self-indulgent' that they completely repress this side of themselves. But it always comes out in subtler (and sometimes, more damaging) ways.

[dating-reviews]

In my own personal experience growing older I have realized that you are responsible for your own happiness. Nobody is going to cultivate that for you, but yet many people expect that from their spouses and relationships.

 

My theory, some of which is supported by own experience, is that people tend to place too much responsibility for their happiness unfairly on to other people and this causes a lot of problems or perceived problems in relationships.

 

Ex)"I cheated because he/she didn't make me happy by doing x,y,z"

"I'm resentful because she/he doesn't share my hobbies/show attention"

 

I'm curious what other members of LS think about being responsible for your own happiness.

Do you think that this is a common mistake? A source of dissention?

A sign of immaturity? A justification for misbehavior?

 

 

Here's a recipe for disaster i've found :

1 part making you responsible for happiness

1 part entitlement

a dash of selfish tendencies and.....

I really agree with this post. Our happiness does not only depends on the person we are in love with. It is actually realizing that, in order for us to be happy in our relationship, we should see ourselves first if we are happy and contented with what we are now and who we are. I can give you more info about relationship at UK dating websites

[Kelemort]

"Getting the Love you Deserve" was a book I read that pointed out this very thing. We often get into relationships and expect the other person to solve and cure us. I don't think it's a sign of immaturity to look to another person to fulfill you - in many ways, we are raised to believe that (and this is especially true of women about men. Like it or not, we still have a very Victorian view of who women are and what their role is in the world).

 

I have dealt with these issues in my relationship. It is important to step back and assess what you can do to help the situation. At the end of the day, you are responsible for your own actions. A partner's neglect isn't justification for cheating. It can be a contributing factor, but it does not cause a person to go out and cheat.