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is he playing or does he care at all?


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Hi everyone

 

Excuse the length of this post don't mean to bore you to tears. I'd really appreciate your advice...

 

I had a relationship with quite an "unusual" man a couple of years back. By unusual I mean that aside from having issues relationshipwise (late 40's, never had a lasting relationship and when he did the women he dated were married or never entirely "available"), this man is very much an introvert. He always told me that he does not know how to express his feelings but that his feelings can be so intense that he blocks them all together. He doesn't like hanging out with people, he is terrified of being judged. He's very smart, witty, independent, has a great job and is successful at it but seems to have low self esteem.

 

He was very sweet with me and we had a great complicity going on. At the same time he could turn real "nasty" with no warning and often send me mixed signals...Examples: unexpected criticisms (never bad ones but enough to destabilise me after his intense sweetness; hot and cold showers like displaying a lot of affection/meaningful words followed by distant behavior towards me; remarks about attractive women with a big grin right in front of me). I always experienced him as ambivalent with me, never could understand what (if) he felt for me and I could not even read his expressions as he displayed none.

I know I seem to act "lighter" than I really am, i.e. I can be funny, entertaining, joke and give a lot of attentions even when I am not all that well. People often describe me as a "breath of fresh air" although deep down I am not always like that. When I am sad or upset it will show in my expressions but I will always fight it and act as if all is well. In that sense I am ambivalent too in my signals..

What I know for sure is that I told this man that I had feelings for him and that I wanted to stay in touch with him and be with him (for work reasons we both live in two different cities and are rarely in the same place...even though we are only 6 hours away from each other).

His response was that it was over because he was leaving (the country at the time) and that he is no good at staying in touch. He said that very coldly then got really emotional (it threw me).

 

He never attempted to contact me in over a month so I wrote him and since then he stayed in touch (this went on for years). His messages were often neutral then many months later he seemed to "warm up" and started hinting at wanting to see me again. Each time it seemed like a likelihood for us to meet up he somehow sabotaged things either by disappearing or by saying he was overseas/busy, whatever...I have to say I tried to be direct many times but I got no results..then I withdrew while still writing/talking to him and still no results. Eventually I felt helpless and stopped contact all together. Since I stopped writing he started writing more and more often. I ignore him and he writes again. I guess I can't help wondering if he has any insight into how much I feel for him.. Before I stopped contact I wrote him to let him know he hurt me with his behaviors...He barely acknowledged my words, just wrote me a very neutral letter.

 

How would you handle this situation in my shoes? What would you do to make sure you get some kind of response before deciding to move on (if you would respond at all). Would you assume he is just playing? I know most men would say if a man is interested he would definitely follow things up, what about if someone has issues. If it is true he is no good with long distance why does he stay in touch at all? He just seems to "observe" everyone/including women he is attracted to from the distance like he is watching a movie and doesn't expect anything.

 

I never tried to justify his actions just acknowledged he had issues and left him chances because when we were together the bond was really strong (he says that too, people around us say it also). At the same time I repeatedly tried to move on with my life but somehow he has this intuition that it takes little or no effort for him to get my attention again. How to know what the next step is before deciding to end everything?

 

Cheers for your time

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EyesWideOpen

I don't know that there is much advice to give on this, as it is impossible to know what someone else's intentions are. Especially when they are acting in contradictory ways from one day (week/month/whatever) to the next.

 

All I can say is that I've been in a somewhat similar situation – I've maintained a long distance friendship/relationship/whatever with someone that three years ago I would have sworn was my soul mate and whom I was just fated to be with. With little warning he flipped and turned into one of the most callous people I have ever met. We didn't speak for months before he initiated contact again. And even though I was heartbroken, it was better when there was no contact. What really hurt is when he started to come back around again since I was still madly in love with him.

After that, he did the off and on again thing for a few months, and I never figured out why he did this or if there could have been more. More importantly, I finally realized that I was never going to get an explanation or any sort of resolution to the situation from him.

 

What I did figure out, though, was carrying all that – the love, the un-squashable glimmers of false hope, and the need to stay guarded for fear of being disappointed and hurt again – was too much. Something snapped...it didn't matter what was, what could be, how much of a connection or how perfect we were...if I was going to have to stand by waiting in pure agony with millions of questions floating through my head while he remained unaffected and uninterested, then it just wasn't worth it.

 

 

I never told him off or anything like that. I figured what was the point since I was apparently the only one hoping for more. I decided to limit all communication. I stopped being on AIM. I would take maybe one call every couple weeks (regardless of the fact that he started calling 3+ times a day at that point), and even then I kept it brief with the tone of an acquaintance.

 

Eventually as I dated, found someone else, and moved forward...there came a point where I just didn't miss him anymore. It was at this point, when MY intentions had thoroughly changed, that I was able to allow him back into my life again on a friendship basis.

He's now a good friend whom I speak with fairly regularly, but I doubt I would ever be capable of feeling anything romantically for again. And honestly, I'm better off for it.

 

 

 

So yeah, this isn't advice so much as just telling my story of what I perceive to be a similar situation. But I hope it helps you find some clarity as to what you should do.

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  • Author

Thank you for sharing your experience with me :) It does help and it does have advice for me b/c it comes from 1st hand experience.

Am just wondering how you got the will power to let him go and in such a gradual manner. I am exactly the way you described about your ex; i.e. I feel so much better when I don't hear from him...like I am coming to terms with it and ready to turn the page except when I least expect it he reappears and the whole process starts again (pain and grief and wondering and the whole bla bla). I'm going on with my life as much as I can but he stays in the back of my mind. Wish I could speak to him briefly like you did without feeling pain, how did you detach yourself?

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