How did I get here?

[FreeheartLover]

I've been dating H since November, we met online. It started out great, though we didn't have a lot in common. He's really intellectual and athletic, I'm still in school and working full time, and am not really athletic.

I'm really thinking he's not the right person for me to be with, and am experiencing a huge cognitive dissonance now in my relationship with him.

He wonders why I'm not sweet and caring and generous as I claim to have been with exes...but I know why. Deep down, I really don't want to be with him.

Long story short, back in January, we got into an arguement, where he ended up cursing me out and wouldn't let me out of the car he was driving.

****ed up, I know, and I can't defend him for it, ever. I broke up with him, and he somehow got me to change my mind. He blames his "blow up" on reasons that in his mind were valid, little things I'd done over time to piss him off, and he bottled up, and let it all out right then and there at that time...which I think is bull****, and unhealthy.

Anyways, apologies later, we made up, but then he was out of the country for 3 weeks on vacation. So we didn't really have that mending time, you know?

 

When he got back, he blew up on me yet again, one day after he got back. I take him to the airport, pick him up (2 hrs each way for me) and the next day, he gets hungry and eats at some Indian restaraunt. I don't eat, and just have a glass of wine. He pays the tab, we leave. We get to his apartment, and I want to run to the convenient store on the corner, literally 20 feet from his front door, to get something. He protests and wants to go inside. I don't want to go in alone because there are bums and drug dealers all around the corner. So he goes with me, and whines while I'm taking 2 minutes to pick something out and I buy him toothpaste, because he has none. He throws a fit and walks out of the store, leaving me there. Why? Because he had to go to the bathroom!! If he'd just said that at the beginning, I wouldn've been like fine...go. But he waited and whined, and then snapped...again.

I walk into his apartment, and he's ignoring me, silent treatment. Then he says, "Don't you think you owe me a few dollars for that glass of wine made me pay for?"

........................................................................really

This is my boyfriend saying this. So for the next 2 hours, we are arguing back and forth...I'm inconsiderate, I take advantage of him...He's traumatized by exes who used him for money....I expect him to pay for everything every time....He thinks I'm spoiled and ignorant...........

I couldn't believe it. A $6 glass of wine, and he ruined my night over it. I cried in frustration all ****ing night.

The next day, he obviously felt bad about what he did, because he took me out to breakfast, then the zoo, then a rooftop lunch.

But at breakfast, he made us split a meal, then I offered to split the check, for obvious reasons, to avoid being bitched out for letting him pay for everything, and he says..."You don't have to be all sensitive about that now, because of yesterday...." Well, yes I do. He obviously has a problem paying for anything for his girlfriend.

He pays for the zoo and the lunch, and that's all fine, I guess, but I'm still really disturbed by his lashing out.

 

I had told my mother about the first incident, and she came to visit the next week, after our zoo date. She actually seemed to enjoy meeting him, but after a few drinks, blew up on him, cursed him out, yelled at him relentlessly about what he did to me (1st incident in the car). I was mortified. I didn't know who to defend. My boyfriend is understandably really upset with her and me (I was pretty drunk too, and I'd done something to make him uncomfortable at the bar, i.e. made my ex-boyfriend shake my mother's hand and say hello)

I'm ashamed that I brought my ex into it that night - it was uncalled for, and very inappropriate, and what my mother did was unbearably cruel and mean.

 

I've apologized, again, over and over. NOW he's out of town again, and keeps texting me when I say I'm going out for St. Patty's or with friends, whatever, saying I'm inconsiderate of him, and I'm going to be a drunk bitch like my mom, or I can't be trusted. Whatever. It's always something, every day.

And HE is off in another state, calling me saying some 21 year old girl is trying to hook up with him (he's 31) and he has to run away from her and get away with his guy friend.

Great. You don't trust me, and you're off running around with girls barely old enough to drink? That makes sense.

I respect that he told me what happened, but honestly, WTF is he doing with girls 10 years his junior???

 

I haven't cheated on him, and I don't plan to. I do, however, think I've gone against my gut instinct on this one for way too long, and I know that we're not meant to be together.

Every time we're together, we fight. It's only been 4, 5 months. He says he loves me. But I think he just loves me because I'm his only friend. He hasn't made any friends in the past year that he's live here, and I think he's clinging to only thing he has (me).

None of my friends like him, my family hates him. I can't really defend him for what he's done, and yet, I've done things that aren't OK either. I'm not claiming to be perfect.

But I deserve to be happy, not walking on eggshells around him, around my family, footing the issue with my friends...I feel like an ******* when I try to explain why I'm with him.

So as my title explains, I have no idea how I got here...

Edited March 19, 2011 by FreeheartLover

[SleeplessRomantic]

You deserve better and you know it.

 

He honestly needs to reevaluate his life, especially his personality. He needs to look at the root of his insecurities over paying for a girlfriend's way. There's A LOT of bitterness stemming from that, and it's his own responsibility to recognize his low points and try to correct them.

 

You already mentioned that you and him don't have a lot in common. Add that to the way he's mistreated you, and you know that the relationship is broken.

 

Don't feel guilty for being his "only" friend and feel inclined to stay with him. He has some major personality repackaging that needs to be done, and only he can do that, for himself, as an adult.

 

I'm sorry for the crap you've had to take. You truly deserve better. Find the better!

[easylife01]

My name is Sophie, and I hail from sunny Orlando, FL. I am here to find a sustainable source of income so that I can do what I love, and work for myself! Right now I am just beginning the discovery process of what exactly that is, but I am excited about the future!

[EyesWideOpen]

Meh...it's still fairly early (not even six months), you admit yourself that you're not really into him, and he's turning out to be a lot of emotional drama.

Seriously, he sounds like a total d*uche. You can do a lot better than that! =)