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My boyfriend's Mom is driving me crazy... I've had it! (long...)


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Ok, here's the deal. I've been dating my boyfriend now for 7 months and everything is great! When I first met my boyfriend, we were just friends and I met his Mom during that time. It wasn't until 6 months later that we started to officially date.

 

When I first met her, things were cool and she was nice. She was very even tempered and we got along. Then, probably about 4 months ago or so, she started going on these rampages, yelling at my boyfriend while I was there about the most stupidest things. She would tell (more like yell) us we couldn't lie on the couch or sit sideways on it because we were ruining the cushions and that we had to sit totally upright. Then she would yell at my boyfriend for not making his bed or putting his laundry away. She would also nag him about taking out the trash and other petty things like that. (Did I mention that he's 25?)

 

The other night, it was the worst it had ever been. She just went off on him. He didn't even do anything to deserve it. Obviously she has underlying issues and is misplacing her anger. Last night was the last straw. She came in and I didn't say hi to her or anything. I didn't consiously ignore her but I think something in me didn't want to have to deal with her.

 

For months I have had the underlying feeling that she holds me responsible and blames me for the fact that my boyfriend isn't around as much as he used to be. I've known this deep down but figured she would chalk it up to the fact that we're in a serious relationship and are taking time to ourselves so our relationship can grow. Well, I was wrong.

 

Last night, my boyfriend confronted his Mom and asked her what her problem was. She went off saying how I'm disrespectful for not saying hi and other petty things. She brought up an incident that happened back in August between his cousin and me, which we have sinced move on from. Then she started saying how he was never around anymore and how he didn't spend any time with his family anymore and how he never see his friends either. (which isn't true) She basically hinted at the fact that I was the reason why she was so upset. Like I said before, she holds me responsible for his not being around.

 

I can understand her concern but most of her reasons don't hold any weight and are inaccurate. It's not fair to me either. I try my best to be polite to her and I even helped her out the other day with a formula in Excel. (which she never even said thank you for) I love her son to death and would do anything for him. I am not out to separate their family and I am usually an advocate for us spending time with his family whenever we have free time.

 

I am trying to be the mature adult in all of this and it's blowing my mind that I feel like I am dealing with a child. (his Mom) Why can't she see what she's doing? My boyfriend's brother is having his engagement party on Saturday and my boyfriend said that we weren't going because of all of this. I told him that no matter what we should still go. Not only is this upsetting me a lot, but him even more so.

 

How does one deal with something like this? I am tired of being made out to be the "bad guy" here when I only want the best for my boyfriend and haven't done anything to deserve this kind of treatment from his Mom. I have contemplated writing her a letter and telling her how I feel or my second option would be to confront her in person. Something has to be done because I am at the end of my rope here. If you're still reading this, thank you!! Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated!!

 

~Leikela

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Just a question - why is your boyfriend still living at home at age 25? He's an adult now. And it seems to me that if his mom is really this awful that his moving out would solve the problem. I don't understand why he hasn't done that already?

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Well not everyone can afford to move out, especially when you live in such an expensive area like we do. We started saving together and have a chunk of money already that we're going to use for when we move in together in January.

 

Moving out doesn't solve the problem, it only runs away from it. I want to be at peace with his Mother not just disappear. Maybe I am asking too much here? Maybe ignoring her is the only way? But I at least want to TRY and solve this. It has to be possible. Hopefully someone can offer some sound advice. Thank you.

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Well, usually when one is deciding on a place to live, one chooses what one can afford. Is there absolutely NO affordable housing in his area? It just seemed like an obvious solution. He's an adult now still living under his mother's roof, and it sounds like she is still treating him like the child she raised. Because until he moves out and stands on his own two feet, he IS still her dependent.

 

I don't know if moving out would be running away from the problem, I think that maybe his still living at home is causing the problem. If he were to live on his own, his mother would hopefully then regard him as a responsible adult in his own right, with the right to make his own choices about who he dates, how he lives, etc. without any criticism from her.

 

As the situation stands, I don't know what you can do to try to improve things except to maybe have a conversation about your concerns directly with your boyfriend's mother, if you haven't already. You could just simply state (in a non-accusatory way) how you feel, that you respect her and love her son and just want the best for him. Maybe then she will learn to see you as a friend and not a threat.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Leikela,

What is the situation with the father? You didnt mention him.

 

I am in a very very VERY similar situation!

 

My boyfriends mother sounds almost the same, however I moved out on my own a week ago...and it has made me realise not only about our relationship as a couple, but the relationship and about him and his mother. There is a lot you can tell about their relationship which will determine yours.

 

If you do move out I am sorry to say it, he will have some certain expectations from you,in a mother sort of way.

Since he is 25, he is now used to being told what to do and now he is dependant on his mother telling him exactly what to do and when to do it.

Will you be able to take over that 'motherly responsibility' when you move in together?????

 

She will continue to find faults in you, this is just to prove to you that she is the boss of the house! I think that she is jealous that he has you, and not her. He is a mumma's boy what did you expect?

 

There is one thing that I can advice you ....and remember this please. There can never EVER be two ladies under one roof. It simply does not work.

 

For as long as you live under her house you will have to abide by her rules, you and your boyfriend will always have to live under those rules.

 

My advice....MOVE OUT A.S.A.P. that is if you want to save your relationship, and respect for his mom

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Hi there!

 

I only want to be helpful...but I know it will be hard to hear.

 

If your boyfriend is living with his MOMMY...Said MOMMY has the RIGHT to set all rules. It's her house...right?

 

I know it's expensive living on your own! It has always been...it's always been. Do you think it was different 10 years ago!??? 20 years ago??? Oh, you think it's so HARD now....NOT.

 

It's called...being an adult.

 

Don't gripe if the people you are LIVING OFF OF don't appreciate a grown man's babyishness.

 

Sorry...the truth is tough to take. But, please, someone tell me I'm wrong.

 

Get your own life. PLEASE.

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ArdeaCandidissima

How about both of you making the choice to NOT let her get at you? Does she need the garbage taken out? "Of course." Angry that he is never around? "Mother, I would love to have dinner with you on Tuesday". That girl is is taking all your time? "Mother, you know you will always have a special place in my heart". That girl is so disrespectful and is stealing you away? "Mother, you must know Leikela has the highest respect for you. If she didn't show it last night, I am sure it was not intentional." Etc.

 

I wouldn't fully IGNORE her. I would just ignore whatever is offensive in her words and focus on whatever shreds of kindness and love you may be able to perceive or assume that you have heard.

 

And yes, her son's moving out may magically sweeten her temper when she realizes that she needs to be nicer to get attention.

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Thanks for everyone's replies about my situation. I am not living with them but I am at his house a few days a week which has caused the run-ins with his Mom.

 

Since I last posted, I have treated his Mom like nothing happened. I made the extra effort to say hello to her and talk to her. She later told my boyfriend that's how she likes to be treated and was pleased with me. So be it.

 

So things are good right now. In January, my boyfriend and I will be living together in an apartment and won't have to worry about any future "situations". I am just glad things are calm now and there's peace and harmony again. Thanks again everyone for posting your thought and feelings on the situation. I appreciate it!

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