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Is there something wrong with me?


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Old 6th March 2011, 7:05 AM   #1
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Is there something wrong with me?

**PLEASE bare with me. Ive come across a situation I must share with you all. Ive been lurking around loveshack.org a couple times.
**Before I signed up here, I went to go buy some jagermeister so I can have some shots. ITLL BE A GOOD STORY, SO TAKE YOUR TIME AND READ.
**While I write this, she's probably already lost all her llove for me.

Typical relationship introduction:
Been with her: 6 years (on and off)
Condition / Background: started in high school.
I am: MALE (age: 24)
She is: FEMALE (age: 24)

So why is it that things don't go right?
Ive been with this girl since high school. I lost my virginity to her, I love and stuff with all my heart. We basically used to spend every hour together. WE GREW UP TOGETHER PRETTY MUCH. I'm down for other girls, but that's not my concern right now. If anything, her and I can pretty much tackle any obstacle in life..but the problem is: OUR OWN obstacles. She's had about 2 boyfriends before me.

We used to get into arguments alot. During our 18s~21, 22, 23.. we used to fight like bunnys make babies. Typical young love.

She cheated on me once, when we were 18 or 19. We broke up several times and made up. After our 1st huge breakup (which lasted about 2 years), she slept with her rebound right away / they ****ed, she told me. But I loved her, so I hung onto her and I waited for her to come back.

She came back when I was in college freshman. Fights would go on, we'd breakup and make up. Im' not the type to start a fight, I'm just a chill guy.. just want to do my best.

She used to say to me alot of condescending misdemeanors. All throughout our relationship, she would say those things and I would just listen, because I loved her and wanted to change for her.

She used to say like:
u aren't a leader
im embarassed to tell my friends what you do for a job because they all have careers but you work hourly minimum wage
you are lazy
get the f*** out of the car and take the bus home (when we were @ vegas, we fought, and we took her car. we lied to our parents about going to vegas and i felt uncomfortable staying there for another night. she wanted to stay longer and she got pissed cuz we couldn't).
job because everyone's boyfriend has career and you do valet
you're childish
you never listen to me
you don't have experience
you don't know how to treat girls
you aren't responsible
you aren't a leader
why can't you just be a man and make a decision
it just frustrates me when i talk to you
i'm never going to come down again to see u
why can't you learn from your past mistakes
u are like a little child who get mad for little things and it happens almost everyday
no wonder i don't feel manliness that sexually attracts me

----------
2010~2011
I was diagnosed with clinical depression. Doctor told me it was psychosomatic (from mental stress, unhealthy relationships, hiding emotions, holding back words and feelings etc) I then started to have bone aches, muscle aches, lung aches and symptoms of cancer. I thought i had cancer and was going to die. I developed hypochondria and health anxiety @ the same time. She broke up with me and told me she can't deal with it anymore. I asked her to stay with me since I can get through this depression and that I can return to being bright and energetic. She told me all we do is fight and that I'm sluggish (Yes, I was sluggish because I was depressed and fatigued.. but i still tried to my best to make her days awesome - i got her an ipod nano and earfones for christmas. this past christmas i wrote her a short note instead of a whole paragraph because i was depressed and didn't feel encouraged to do much). My doctors did a blood test and told me i was ok. I also got an xray and they said my lungs looked perfectly normal. but i was a hypochondriac at that time and didn't believe them.

She went to vegas, while she was there, I would call her to see if she was doing ok, AND of course because I missed her. I was still depressed. She said she missed me and that's she's always thinking about me.

When she came back, we made love. After that, we were talking and she told me she had sex with a guy she met at a club in Vegas. I was completely heart broken. We weren't back together yet but I was heartbroken COMPLETELY... 101%. Sure, she's my ex at this point and that it's none of my business, but there's not much I can do with my emotions when I am depressed, and worse... in love with her still.

-----
2011
- i was completely heartbroken and had no feelings for her (just slight)
- i was getting out of my depression. i told her straight up "im completely heartbroken and i deserve better than this. im out of this"
- she cried saying "this means ill never see u again?"
- i said "yea.. u weren't the girl i thought u were this whole time"

-------days pass------
she calls me, we chat.
i call her, we chat.
feelings slowly come back

2011 January~February
We are dating again. Trying to take things slow.
We both goto church together now.

I PROBABLY AM RETARDED OR NEEDY OR INSECURE OR JUST PLAIN F*CKED IN MY HEAD. YOU TELL ME:
I'm having trouble trusting her. Id call her / text her.... when she doesn't respond I feel down and feel like she doesn't care. When she calls me back, I'd get mad because I'm insecure about what she's doing. She's a waitress and she goes out to drink with her coworkers. When she doesn't respond to my text or returns my call (@ my expected time - which I know isn't the best idea), I get put down and start thinking as if she doesn't care anymore.

This phone call / communication / text message problem has been going on quite a while. I still have pains in my bones and muscles.. I would also have stings in my left rib. i guess I'm looking for someone to play the smallest violin for me.. but thanks anyway. I'm just coping with my own health and trying to build this relationship up again, because I know we can. When we are at our best, WE REALLY ARE!

However, when she returns my call late, I feel like she doesn't care. Tonight she went drinking with her coworkers. I got mad at her because, again, it always seemed like she didn't care and was only focused on having fun..and that she would just push off calling me til later.

She told me 'im ****ing sick and tired of this bull****. I don't have to deal with you always ****ing calling me and making me frustrated.' etc..

At this point, I'm wondering if there is something mentally retarded, f*cked, just plain stupid, dumb, insecure, lonely, lost, stupid, needing help with me. I FEEL AS IF I SERIOUSLY HAVE SOME MENTAL ISSUE. Cuz whenever we argue, I'd always say im sorry and I would find ways to change myself (for example: not call her so often). She would always make herself right (girls always win). But I love her, but she gives me the message that there's always some wrong decision that I make and that I am always wrong.

She would always say: "i left my fone in the car." "the fone was on silent" etc etc. This happened everytime she was out.

i should've never called her and got frustrated with her not calling me back on time. i said sorry and she got really mad this time. i feel so bad for her and im willing to make up, but i feel so inadequate and such a failure. i feel like im always wrong and not good enough for her. maybe im not chill enough or im just missing a quality that i should be having as a guy? i just feel like i love her and want her to have fun when she goes out but i have trouble trusting her when she doesn't call me.

I think I have problems... If I'm always wrong and she's right... then there's got to be something wrong with me in the head.

Last edited by hokepk; 6th March 2011 at 7:17 AM..
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Old 6th March 2011, 7:29 AM   #2
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I can't even talk to my close friends about this because they've already seen me break up and make up so many times. I know they want the best for me, but this girl is someone I'd really want to make things right with whenever there's a chance. What can I do? Is there something wrong with me?

I'm not looking for who's right or wrong.

I'm just looking for any descrepancies on my side. what is it that i can do differently? what can i do? im having trouble trusting her and all she does is tells me to trust her, but what she does doesn't help. I'\ve told her this too and she just doesn't get it......................... or mabe it's me. f---ckkkkkkkkkkkk

Last edited by hokepk; 6th March 2011 at 7:48 AM..
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Old 6th March 2011, 5:25 PM   #3
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First off, there is nothing wrong with you, you just need to let go.

This sounds like a pretty unhealthy relationship to me overall. Though I probably shouldn't offer much advice given what I posted the other day.

You are both still young and you both have a long hopefully happy life ahead of you, I just don't think it will be together. It's time to let her go and for you to move on.

You have also clearly had your own issues to deal with and this probably compounds those items. It is extremely hard to let go. I can only tell you this, you are at the right age to be meeting lots of great people. Get out there and meet some people. Friends whatever. Enjoy your life and let her go.

The best thing is to cut ties, no FB, no twitter, to texting. Change your number if you can (not in a contract cause that is $$$) or see if you can block her from texting/calling.

Back in the day it was really easy to cut ties, much harder now. Good luck.
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Old 6th March 2011, 9:07 PM   #4
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I agree this relationship does not sound healthy. Plus, from the things that you say she has said to you, it does not sound like she respects you as a man too much. That's a killer. You guys get back together probably because there is some comfront zone there, but it doesn't sound like you are the kind of guy that she would be wild about. Sounds like she likes the tough guy, macho kinda guy, and you may be more quiet and..sensitive? She may not go for that type of man and therefore finds it easier to put you down and make fun of you. But that's just her. There are women who love quiet and more sensitive men. If that is what you are.

Dont beat yourself up over this chick. You deserve someone that does not make you feel the way she does. But, you are giving her the power to do this.

Work on YOURSELF. The problem is, you HAVE to learn to love yourself before you can love someone else in a healthy way. Believe me, i understand. I suffered from depression too in the past. Im still working on it, even though im much better now. But im going to tell you, it gets in the way of having a healthy relationship. Depression gets you so down on yourself that you can't see things straight at times. And you are either putting yourself down too much, or getting too worked up over things that aren't worth it and causing problems where there should'nt be.
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Old 6th March 2011, 9:10 PM   #5
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Also, it bears repeating. Dont let anyone make you feel like some sort of loser or something. Decent people dont do that to others. If you are going through emotional issues, deal with that FIRST, before you try to start dating again.

But, u should leave this chick alone.
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Old 6th March 2011, 9:19 PM   #6
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Yes, agree, lose her and lose her fast - both physically and mentally - hard to do I know because of the history - just register at reputable online dating sites and keep your profile upbeat and positive - NO negatives - NO prior history as above - see who responds - then get your mind off yourself and onto that contact - listen, respond, don't mention any history like that you've mentioned - let time take its chance - time heals.
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