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Living with an invalid ex


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What would you think if someone told you that he lived for ten long years with an ex-girlfriend from the distant past who after a car accident was confined to a wheelchair? Would you believe that it was just friendship-based and nothing more?

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What would you think if someone told you that he lived for ten long years with an ex-girlfriend from the distant past who after a car accident was confined to a wheelchair? Would you believe that it was just friendship-based and nothing more?

 

Was he the driver? If he felt he had any responsibility (whether real or imagined) for what happened, that might be a motivating factor.

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Denise.

 

Thanks for the reply. I thought of this myself but he said that he wasn't the driver. According to his version of the story, he returned after a long absence abroad and she asked him to be flatmates and he accepted. But ten long years? I van undertand a year or so but ten? Supposedly there was nothing romantic going on. I don't know what to make of it. After all, philanthropy has its limits. I just think it was a very peculiar arrangement and was wondering if the good people on LS could shed some light.

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I think it shows respect to the sentiment of love, not passionate love, but the deep spiritual love, of which we humans are capable for each other, in bounds of friendship and kinship.

 

I don't see why we should reduce all acts of love to acts of "romantic love".

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I know, Kamille. Damn, just more of my emotional baggage. I guess. My legacy, I suppose. Distrust, always looking for ulterior motives. Thanks for helping me put things into perspective. You have helped more than you know.:love:

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I'm in a pretty unique situation right now that might shed some light for you. I'm a live-in caretaker for a woman who had a pretty debilitating stroke a few years ago. She is still in the care of her ex-husband (they were together for over 20 years, split before she got sick), who works, pays the bills, etc. I take care of her when he isn't here.

 

For the last couple of months he's been dating a woman he met who pretty much lives here full-time now as well. She understands the arrangement and it works well for all of us.

 

I would trust the guy when he says there is nothing romantic between the two of them. Kamille put it well when she mentioned respect to the sentiment of spiritual love. It explains the situation that plays out around me every day.

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Tigress,

 

Thanks so much for sharing your experience with me. I guess, hard as it may be to believe, there are good people around us.

 

I need to do a lot of thinking. The man I am talking about is my boyfriend with whom I have been living for five months. I was perplexed as to what may make a person dedicate ten years of his life to an invalid who years before was just a short-term girlfriend. I couldn´t help but wonder if there were some ulterior motive there...some self-interesting purpose. But ten years? I just can't wrap my head around it.

 

I can understand the husband of twenty years but this seems well and beyond the call of duty.

 

If what both you and Kamille say is true, them I have lost a very good man.

 

By the way, I admire the work you are doing. My father had a stroke and I know how hard it is.

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You say you were living with him--how long ago did the arrangement with his ex end, and how? What was the extent of his care for her?

 

On the other note, I thank you. In my situation I know it's hard for the ex-H to see her the way she is. In all the stories he tells about her she was a real firecracker, and now she's a mere shell of her old self. I know I wouldn't have been able to do this job even just a couple of years ago. It requires a lot of patience and gentleness. The fact that I'm able to do this job well shows just how much I've grown as a person, I think.

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If what both you and Kamille say is true, them I have lost a very good man.

 

 

Oh Marlena, I'm sorry to hear this.

 

Now a quazillion questions are flying through my head. Is it possible you both used this issue to keep each other at an emotional distance?

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You say you were living with him--how long ago did the arrangement with his ex end, and how? What was the extent of his care for her?

 

On the other note, I thank you. In my situation I know it's hard for the ex-H to see her the way she is. In all the stories he tells about her she was a real firecracker, and now she's a mere shell of her old self. I know I wouldn't have been able to do this job even just a couple of years ago. It requires a lot of patience and gentleness. The fact that I'm able to do this job well shows just how much I've grown as a person, I think.

 

Yes, it does reflect your outstanding moral calibre. Once more, allow me to express my admiration. I know what this is doing to the husband. Strokes are very hard on the loved ones left behind. My father's stroke devastated me and the repercussions were apparent for years.

 

The arrangement ended about two years ago. I don't know the extent of his care for her. I only know that they lived together for ten years. I know that he would help her around and about and that they did sometimes sleep in eachother's arms.

 

Perhaps what really frightens me is the deep spiritual bond that must have been there. You don't dedicate ten years of your life to caring for someone unless there is a profound, almost sacred connection there.

 

Or do you? Gorfive me, but I can't help but be cynical at this age.

 

He refuses to talk about it much. I do know that her family wanted her to get away. They thought he was taking advantage of her, that, in the end, she would leave him a small fortune that they felt was rightfully theirs...

 

I really don't know what to think...

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The arrangement ended about two years ago. I don't know the extent of his care for her. I only know that they lived together for ten years. I know that he would help her around and about and that they did sometimes sleep in eachother's arms.

Perhaps what really frightens me is the deep spiritual bond that must have been there. You don't dedicate ten years of your life to caring for someone unless there is a profound, almost sacred connection there.

 

Or do you? Gorfive me, but I can't help but be cynical at this age.

 

He refuses to talk about it much. I do know that her family wanted her to get away. They thought he was taking advantage of her, that, in the end, she would leave him a small fortune that they felt was rightfully theirs...

 

I really don't know what to think...

 

The bold is what would set off alarm bells for me. It ended two years ago and yet he refuses to say much about it. They would sometimes sleep in each other's arms, so there was some physical intimacy between them.

 

Is he by nature a more private person, or is this the one thing that he will not open up more about? Have you asked him questions about it only to be rebuffed?

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The bold is what would set off alarm bells for me. It ended two years ago and yet he refuses to say much about it. They would sometimes sleep in each other's arms, so there was some physical intimacy between them.

 

Is he by nature a more private person, or is this the one thing that he will not open up more about? Have you asked him questions about it only to be rebuffed?

 

Yes, he is a very private person. He absolutely hates it when people ask him questions about his personal life. He feels that he is being interrogated and bullied. It could be a remnant from a very bad political position he once found himself in or just plain paranoia. He is very defensive. He will release info only in his own good time. His communication skills are zilch.

 

He also has a drinking problem. There is something very wrong here. I know it. I feel it. I just don't know if it's worth ruining, in may other ways, a very gentle and tender relationship over.

 

Something I can't quite put my finger on won't allow me to trust him implicitly.

 

My own emotional baggage? My instincts? This is my dilemma.

 

I am a fervent believer that past behavior is indicative of present behavior and that a person's past can reveal a lot about that person's character.

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Something I can't quite put my finger on won't allow me to trust him implicitly.

 

My own emotional baggage? My instincts? This is my dilemma.

 

You are probably one of the most giving and trusting people that I have had the joy of knowing.

 

The fact that the niggling voice in your mind hasn't gone away, should make you take pause and reconsider what you can expect and will accept should this relationship continue on.

 

We all have "stuff" that we carry around with us, but for most of us, it's just a matter of finding the right person who can live with our "stuff."

 

What are you willing to give up/let go in order to make things work with him?

 

What is he willing to compromise on?

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You are probably one of the most giving and trusting people that I have had the joy of knowing.

As are you. You are the only person I have met in real life and I know it was just meant to be that way. I shall never forget our time in Boston and our wonderful joint birthday party together! Oh, and your scrumptious spaghetti sauce! And your lovely family!!

 

The fact that the niggling voice in your mind hasn't gone away, should make you take pause and reconsider what you can expect and will accept should this relationship continue on.
This is what I am trying to work out now that I am alone and have some time to think.

We all have "stuff" that we carry around with us, but for most of us, it's just a matter of finding the right person who can live with our "stuff."

How true! I have my own baggage, I know! Now, can I live with his is the question I need to find an answer to!

 

What are you willing to give up/let go in order to make things work with him?
As long as he openly communicates with me and respects my boundaries, I am open. I will not allow disrespect and false promises to infect my life.

 

What is he willing to compromise on?
Aye, there is the rub!! Although he has made big strides in the right direction, in one night he can blow it all to smithereens and it's back to step one again. Only... I can't forever go five steps forward and ten steps back. He needs to curtail his drinking and his impulses and develop some much needed communication skills.

 

TBH, I don't know what/ who is most at fault here...

Edited by marlena
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Oh Marlena, I'm sorry to hear this.

 

Now a quazillion questions are flying through my head. Is it possible you both used this issue to keep each other at an emotional distance?

 

Kamille, I wish this were the only issue. Sadly this is not the case. I was just wondering if this were a case of exploitation (yes, my baggage) or a true spiritual/emotional bond .

 

I am looking for answers. I want to know what motivates this man.

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Duckduckgoose
His communication skills are zilch.

 

He also has a drinking problem. There is something very wrong here. I know it. I feel it.

 

Something I can't quite put my finger on won't allow me to trust him implicitly.

 

Three red flags. You said them yourself. Get out before you get any deeper. If something that deep is bugging you there is a HUGE problem.

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threebyfate

Can you live with a relationship that isn't open? When someone conceals aspects of themselves from their partner, how do you propose to get close to them enough to pull down your own wall of distrust? Trust isn't built on secrets.

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Can you live with a relationship that isn't open? When someone conceals aspects of themselves from their partner, how do you propose to get close to them enough to pull down your own wall of distrust? Trust isn't built on secrets.

 

I agree with TBF. Since you mentioned the other things about him, I honestly think you should let this go.

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threebyfate
I agree with TBF. Since you mentioned the other things about him, I honestly think you should let this go.
Hope you don't mind if I temper this a bit, in reference to letting this one go. It depends on whether marlena has a need to be authentic within herself. If it's not integral to her, it won't matter. But if it is, she'll experience a form of cognitive dissonance within herself. It will feel anywhere from a low level buzzing to major discomfort, which she won't be able to put her finger on. And once she does isolate the dissonance, it will feel like a hallelujah moment.
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Ok, for starters the term 'invalid' is not only inaccurate but also deeply offensive. A person with an impairment has the same validity as anyone else. The same goes for 'wheelchair bound' and 'confined to a wheelchair'. A wheelchair user isn't limited by their wheelchair, the complete opposite infact. The only thing limiting anyone with an impairment is the lack of understanding and acceptance by society.

 

As for your boyfriend - ten years? He was getting some - just because a person is a wheelchair user doesn't make them any less sexual than anyone else. Either that or he gets off on dominating someone, perceived or otherwise. Maybe that's why her family wanted to her to get away from him.

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Ok, for starters the term 'invalid' is not only inaccurate but also deeply offensive. A person with an impairment has the same validity as anyone else. The same goes for 'wheelchair bound' and 'confined to a wheelchair'. A wheelchair user isn't limited by their wheelchair, the complete opposite infact. The only thing limiting anyone with an impairment is the lack of understanding and acceptance by society.

 

As for your boyfriend - ten years? He was getting some - just because a person is a wheelchair user doesn't make them any less sexual than anyone else. Either that or he gets off on dominating someone, perceived or otherwise. Maybe that's why her family wanted to her to get away from him.

 

I am sorry of I sounded offensive. I did not mean

to. Nor am the type to look down on people with an impairment. I guess I just wasn't PC enough.

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Three red flags. You said them yourself. Get out before you get any deeper. If something that deep is bugging you there is a HUGE problem.

 

By far, the major problem is his drinking. That's why I don't trust him. I also think he drinks because he has some major unsolved inner issues. This also makes me weary.

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Hope you don't mind if I temper this a bit, in reference to letting this one go. It depends on whether marlena has a need to be authentic within herself. If it's not integral to her, it won't matter.

 

I am always authentic with myself. If anyone never kids herself, it's me. I always fight for what I believe is right. Even if it kills me.

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