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Old 3rd March 2011, 11:49 AM   #1
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Living with an invalid ex

What would you think if someone told you that he lived for ten long years with an ex-girlfriend from the distant past who after a car accident was confined to a wheelchair? Would you believe that it was just friendship-based and nothing more?
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Old 3rd March 2011, 11:52 AM   #2
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What would you think if someone told you that he lived for ten long years with an ex-girlfriend from the distant past who after a car accident was confined to a wheelchair? Would you believe that it was just friendship-based and nothing more?
Was he the driver? If he felt he had any responsibility (whether real or imagined) for what happened, that might be a motivating factor.
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Old 3rd March 2011, 12:03 PM   #3
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Denise.

Thanks for the reply. I thought of this myself but he said that he wasn't the driver. According to his version of the story, he returned after a long absence abroad and she asked him to be flatmates and he accepted. But ten long years? I van undertand a year or so but ten? Supposedly there was nothing romantic going on. I don't know what to make of it. After all, philanthropy has its limits. I just think it was a very peculiar arrangement and was wondering if the good people on LS could shed some light.
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Old 3rd March 2011, 12:06 PM   #4
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I think it shows respect to the sentiment of love, not passionate love, but the deep spiritual love, of which we humans are capable for each other, in bounds of friendship and kinship.

I don't see why we should reduce all acts of love to acts of "romantic love".
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Old 3rd March 2011, 12:11 PM   #5
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I know, Kamille. Damn, just more of my emotional baggage. I guess. My legacy, I suppose. Distrust, always looking for ulterior motives. Thanks for helping me put things into perspective. You have helped more than you know.
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Old 3rd March 2011, 12:13 PM   #6
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You have helped more than you know.
Only returning the favor, and you know this .
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Old 3rd March 2011, 12:25 PM   #7
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Only returning the favor, and you know this .
Always here for you. You know this, too!
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Old 3rd March 2011, 12:32 PM   #8
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I'm in a pretty unique situation right now that might shed some light for you. I'm a live-in caretaker for a woman who had a pretty debilitating stroke a few years ago. She is still in the care of her ex-husband (they were together for over 20 years, split before she got sick), who works, pays the bills, etc. I take care of her when he isn't here.

For the last couple of months he's been dating a woman he met who pretty much lives here full-time now as well. She understands the arrangement and it works well for all of us.

I would trust the guy when he says there is nothing romantic between the two of them. Kamille put it well when she mentioned respect to the sentiment of spiritual love. It explains the situation that plays out around me every day.
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Old 3rd March 2011, 12:51 PM   #9
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Tigress,

Thanks so much for sharing your experience with me. I guess, hard as it may be to believe, there are good people around us.

I need to do a lot of thinking. The man I am talking about is my boyfriend with whom I have been living for five months. I was perplexed as to what may make a person dedicate ten years of his life to an invalid who years before was just a short-term girlfriend. I couldnīt help but wonder if there were some ulterior motive there...some self-interesting purpose. But ten years? I just can't wrap my head around it.

I can understand the husband of twenty years but this seems well and beyond the call of duty.

If what both you and Kamille say is true, them I have lost a very good man.

By the way, I admire the work you are doing. My father had a stroke and I know how hard it is.
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Old 3rd March 2011, 1:28 PM   #10
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You say you were living with him--how long ago did the arrangement with his ex end, and how? What was the extent of his care for her?

On the other note, I thank you. In my situation I know it's hard for the ex-H to see her the way she is. In all the stories he tells about her she was a real firecracker, and now she's a mere shell of her old self. I know I wouldn't have been able to do this job even just a couple of years ago. It requires a lot of patience and gentleness. The fact that I'm able to do this job well shows just how much I've grown as a person, I think.
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Old 3rd March 2011, 1:38 PM   #11
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If what both you and Kamille say is true, them I have lost a very good man.
Oh Marlena, I'm sorry to hear this.

Now a quazillion questions are flying through my head. Is it possible you both used this issue to keep each other at an emotional distance?
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Old 3rd March 2011, 1:45 PM   #12
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You say you were living with him--how long ago did the arrangement with his ex end, and how? What was the extent of his care for her?

On the other note, I thank you. In my situation I know it's hard for the ex-H to see her the way she is. In all the stories he tells about her she was a real firecracker, and now she's a mere shell of her old self. I know I wouldn't have been able to do this job even just a couple of years ago. It requires a lot of patience and gentleness. The fact that I'm able to do this job well shows just how much I've grown as a person, I think.
Yes, it does reflect your outstanding moral calibre. Once more, allow me to express my admiration. I know what this is doing to the husband. Strokes are very hard on the loved ones left behind. My father's stroke devastated me and the repercussions were apparent for years.

The arrangement ended about two years ago. I don't know the extent of his care for her. I only know that they lived together for ten years. I know that he would help her around and about and that they did sometimes sleep in eachother's arms.

Perhaps what really frightens me is the deep spiritual bond that must have been there. You don't dedicate ten years of your life to caring for someone unless there is a profound, almost sacred connection there.

Or do you? Gorfive me, but I can't help but be cynical at this age.

He refuses to talk about it much. I do know that her family wanted her to get away. They thought he was taking advantage of her, that, in the end, she would leave him a small fortune that they felt was rightfully theirs...

I really don't know what to think...
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Old 3rd March 2011, 2:00 PM   #13
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The arrangement ended about two years ago. I don't know the extent of his care for her. I only know that they lived together for ten years. I know that he would help her around and about and that they did sometimes sleep in eachother's arms.

Perhaps what really frightens me is the deep spiritual bond that must have been there. You don't dedicate ten years of your life to caring for someone unless there is a profound, almost sacred connection there.

Or do you? Gorfive me, but I can't help but be cynical at this age.

He refuses to talk about it much. I do know that her family wanted her to get away. They thought he was taking advantage of her, that, in the end, she would leave him a small fortune that they felt was rightfully theirs...

I really don't know what to think...
The bold is what would set off alarm bells for me. It ended two years ago and yet he refuses to say much about it. They would sometimes sleep in each other's arms, so there was some physical intimacy between them.

Is he by nature a more private person, or is this the one thing that he will not open up more about? Have you asked him questions about it only to be rebuffed?
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Old 3rd March 2011, 2:36 PM   #14
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The bold is what would set off alarm bells for me. It ended two years ago and yet he refuses to say much about it. They would sometimes sleep in each other's arms, so there was some physical intimacy between them.

Is he by nature a more private person, or is this the one thing that he will not open up more about? Have you asked him questions about it only to be rebuffed?
Yes, he is a very private person. He absolutely hates it when people ask him questions about his personal life. He feels that he is being interrogated and bullied. It could be a remnant from a very bad political position he once found himself in or just plain paranoia. He is very defensive. He will release info only in his own good time. His communication skills are zilch.

He also has a drinking problem. There is something very wrong here. I know it. I feel it. I just don't know if it's worth ruining, in may other ways, a very gentle and tender relationship over.

Something I can't quite put my finger on won't allow me to trust him implicitly.

My own emotional baggage? My instincts? This is my dilemma.

I am a fervent believer that past behavior is indicative of present behavior and that a person's past can reveal a lot about that person's character.
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Old 3rd March 2011, 3:10 PM   #15
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Something I can't quite put my finger on won't allow me to trust him implicitly.

My own emotional baggage? My instincts? This is my dilemma.
You are probably one of the most giving and trusting people that I have had the joy of knowing.

The fact that the niggling voice in your mind hasn't gone away, should make you take pause and reconsider what you can expect and will accept should this relationship continue on.

We all have "stuff" that we carry around with us, but for most of us, it's just a matter of finding the right person who can live with our "stuff."

What are you willing to give up/let go in order to make things work with him?

What is he willing to compromise on?
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