laila1818 Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 (edited) Hello all, i am new to the site. Please bear with me if i don't get the etiquette quite right. Well i have been dating this person for 4 years now off and on. We have definitely had our ups and downs especially since we pretty much went through our college years together and have seen each other grow up a lot. He wants a three some which i have known for awhile now. Truthfully i thought it was something he would grow out of and just wasn't too serious about... to my dismay i was wrong. and honestly I have always been a little bi-curious but not enough to be completely ok for a 3some, especially with someone i care so deeply about.. also im a bit of the jealous type which worries me also. So now he has pretty much said- i love you lets do this and move on with our lives. I love him and would marry him tomorrow (minus the whole 3some thing). i can live with out a 3some but its starting to become apparent that he can't. i really don't want to lose him not knowing i tried everything to make this work. I guess i would just like to know everyones opinion on the matter in general. I would especially like to hear a mans point of view... if you were with the person you loved and could spend forever with would you sacrifice it for your fantasy? Thanks to all who take the time to read and respond i greatly appreciate it Edited March 2, 2011 by laila1818 Link to post Share on other sites
Enlighten_ME Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 I think all men would love to experience a 3 some.. I know i would. But with a woman that i love and loves me in return.... I think it would only detrimental to the relationship. Ask him if he is ok if its him and another man. I honestly think that there are couples out there that are perfectly able to handle that, but i question what their relationship is built upon. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 If you are uncomfortable with this in ANY way, then don't do it! This isn't something he will grow out of. Ask him if he can live the rest of his life without having a threesome. If he can't, then it may be best to go your seperate ways, as you aren't sexually compatible. Please don't do this JUST so you don't lose him. Most likely you will regret your decision afterwards. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 A relatonship involves the cooperation of both parties, a requirement that also extends to threesomes. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of him sleeping with another girl, then I suggest you tell him and reverse the situation to make understand the position you're coming from. It's when people disregard other's feelings for the sake of personal satisfaction that things become a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author laila1818 Posted March 4, 2011 Author Share Posted March 4, 2011 Thank you all so much for the responses. As far as reversing the situation or asking if it would be ok for the 3rd to be a man he understands the problem of seeing someone else with me (actual intercourse), but he said that in order to be fair and understanding he would do it. I partly believe this was his response because he knows that's something that i would never ask/want from him. Link to post Share on other sites
TakeMeasIam Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Then you have 2 choices: Either put your money where your mouth is, and get another guy in, or say no, and mean it. be prepared for consequences, either way. Link to post Share on other sites
Linda9999 Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Very few relationships will ultimately survive this type of thing, whether it's 2 guys plus or 2 girls plus. There is no way I would ever agree to a threesome. The fact he 'can't seem to live without it' is alarming to me also. I have a feeling that if you do end up saying no and meaning it, he'll just go outside the marriage later on to get his jollies. Guys who want threesomes when their girls don't are just being selfish (and vice versa) and trying to have their cake and eat it too. Link to post Share on other sites
paleblue Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 cant predict the future, but i suspect it will ultimately destroy your relationship. if he gives you an ultimatum to do something like that than i wonder if he completely respects you? ya know? i mean, sure everybody has thoughts about it. but as an example, me, i wouldnt do that with my gf. i would only do something like that if i was single with no attachments and didnt care. i would hire a couple of strippers. i wouldnt do something like that with somebody i cared about. but thats just me. im not saying he doesnt love you. i see he's trying to slide it in under the radar by making it sound harmless "lets do this and move on with our lives". its not that simple. i sense that you're not comfortable with this. if you do this you will feel like crap about yourself and your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueRidgeMTs Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 Anyone who truly loves and respects you would never ask you to do something that he knows you don't want to do. It's like he is emotionally bullying you to do it. Do you consider that love? And where does it end? If you do it once, what makes you so sure that would be the end of it? How do you know he won't ask again, even if he promises not to? His excuse will be..'well you did it already, so what's the big deal about doing it again'?. How can a man who professes to love a woman try to push her into allowing him to have sex with someone else??? Dump him. Seriously. If you dont, I definitely see this guy cheating on you in the future..if not sooner. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 Thank you all so much for the responses. As far as reversing the situation or asking if it would be ok for the 3rd to be a man he understands the problem of seeing someone else with me (actual intercourse), but he said that in order to be fair and understanding he would do it. I partly believe this was his response because he knows that's something that i would never ask/want from him. You don't have a threesome to be "fair" you have one because it's something both partners are completely comfortable with and want to do. You are probably right also though, that he agreed to it because the idea is not ACTUALLY on the table. If it was, he may sing a different tune. As the other posters have said, this is a bad idea. Find out if he "truely can't live without it" and if that's the case then get out of the relationship. As others pointed out, he may end up going outside your marriage if he can't get over it..but that is not a reason for you to do it!!! Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 Threesomes are far too mechanical at the best of times and often end up with one person being a bystander whilst the other two get really into each other. In your case, the man of your life will be really enjoying having sex with someone else and getting a real kick out of you being there and being humiliated by it. Afterwards he'll dislike you even more than he does now. Is he really the best you can do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author laila1818 Posted March 7, 2011 Author Share Posted March 7, 2011 (edited) Thank you paleblue i appreciate the points you made. Edited March 7, 2011 by laila1818 Link to post Share on other sites
Author laila1818 Posted March 7, 2011 Author Share Posted March 7, 2011 (edited) Afterwards he'll dislike you even more than he does now. Goodness those are harsh words betterdeal. I will say i have thought a few of your points through before (i.e. one person being a bystander whilst the other two get really into each other). I have voiced those concerns to my boyfriend, he thinks that if at any point it's not "fun" for me that we will stop. I tend to worry that at that point, which im sure it will come too, the damage will already be done. As far as him disliking me even more than he does now... i think he might not have the same love for me that i have for him. Perfect example is the want for a 3some in the first place. BUT this is exactly why i posted to see another view of the situation... Edited March 7, 2011 by laila1818 Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 Okay, to make it clear, when I have been in a relationship and wanted a threesome, I now realise I didn't love the woman in the relationship with me. It was a way for me to be out of the relationship and not face the truth (and the break up and hurt caused). Not to say I have had a threesome, nor to say it doesn't appeal, but sex is just fun. If there's something some people want to do together, great, do it. But if it makes any person involved feel bad, it isn't fun, is it? That he keeps pressing for this says to me that he may have similar issues with committing to you as I did in a similar situation and, in fact, the threesome idea isn't the underlying issue. You're in something serious and you're soon to be engaged and haven't resolved this issue (whether it's just sex or something else as well) which says to me that you guys can benefit from cooling off a bit and thinking about what you both want from the relationship, working out what's negotiable and what's not and then discussing these points with each other. Link to post Share on other sites
paleblue Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 Thank you paleblue i appreciate the points you made. no problem! Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 He wants a three some which i have known for awhile now. So now he has pretty much said- i love you lets do this and move on with our lives. He's exactly right. If you do this tonight, you should start planning to move on with your (separate) lives beginning tomorrow. If you are in it to end your current relationship, then OK the threesome and get the ball rolling in that direction. Otherwise, do the opposite on all counts. Link to post Share on other sites
onemale Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 I'm a single male and I have been in threesomes with three different couples several times. They are all very happily married. All the husbanda are straight and so am I, so everything worked out great. The wives loved it and the husbands enjoyed watching. Link to post Share on other sites
TakeMeasIam Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 'one male' is right. For every one of you, there are hundreds who have had wildly opposite experiences.... Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 I wouldn't risk turning out someone I love for anything. I don't fantasize about "threesomes" particulalry to start off with but if I did, my fantasy would not involve my g/f, finacee or wife and would remain my fantasy. I can control my fantasy. I can't contol reality. So, if I were to have a SO who I were committed to I wouldn't even fansasize about her that way much let start moving that into the realm of reality. I'm sorry to all you bi females out there, but I prefer that my SO and potential mother of my kids not to be bi or gay. Link to post Share on other sites
kidsfirst Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 I would absolutely sacrifice a fantasy for my husband anyday. This would ruin your relationship, I think it would eat you alive inside. What if it opened a door for him, that he could not close. Next would he have an affair because it's risky and exciting for him? I hope for your sake you don't go through with it. Do you worry about him being unfaithful? To me this is cheating on yourself and yourself. I would probably address this "fantasy" issue before the wedding. Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
specialfx Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 We've had a 3-some on a few occasions (mmf and mff) and it seemed to spice things up for us (and of course, being out of town (Vegas and Resort Island) helped a bit). It was impersonable and, let's face it, who hasn't fantasized about it..... so after my wife brought it up in Vegas, we went for it,,,, we acted awkwardly the next day..... then laughed like hack at dinner. Got to make sure you respect and love each other FIRST! Link to post Share on other sites
Saphira Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 IDK, i think it would also delve deeper then me just being uncomfortable. But it would not even be enjoyable I think you need to let him no that and make it an end of discussion. If he is willing to put his fantasy before you then he is not the right man. I think for myself i dont want anyone touching my SO in any way sexually. let alone be there watching and stuff, and i would be worrying if he was enjoying the other man/female more then me. and yes what if it opens a door for him and once is not enough. and he becomes idk sexually addicted to 3somes. If you have any hesitation (which you do) then just say no and leave it at that. Link to post Share on other sites
Wink Tobasco Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 as a male animal I want a threesome and would lobby hard for it. I would pass it up to be with the one I love. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnM Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Never appealed to me within a relationship. I love my partner and to involve someone else is just something destructive in my eyes. The desire to involve someone else would suggest to me that I was not enough. It feels to me that its a lot like being present whilst being cheated on. As if, its an authorized cheat pass and that because you're there you at least are involved too. I just find it odd. Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeless_Romantico Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 If you are really not up for it and he can't accept it, then he has to decide what he wants-someone that he KNOWS is going to love him and remain in bed with him or 1 or 2 women who are just going to be temporary fun. You're not wrong for feeling the way you do. Link to post Share on other sites
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