Who's The Daddy?

[km82794]

Since I have mixed emotions on this, I would like to see what the rest of the world thinks...

 

Let's call me Jane Doe, and yes, John is my guy.

 

John (my guy) used to be married to Julie Doe and they had three kids. John & Julie have been divorced for 9 years.

 

Now Julie (My guys Ex) moved on and had a baby with Hillbilly Doe.

 

A couple years down the road Julie decided to cheat on Hillbilly Doe with Convict Doe.

 

Hillbilly Doe found out about Convict Doe and left, wanting nothing to do with Baby Doe (his own baby).

 

Convict Doe was once again locked up for nothing other than being a convict.

 

Baby Doe has had (2) Daddy's so far, Hillbilly Doe (real dad)

and Convict Doe.

 

BUT NOW, theres no hillbilly and no convict.

 

The other day Julie stopped by my and John's house to let the other (3) kids see Baby Doe.

 

Baby Doe calls John (my guy) Daddy. (Ok, Ok, I know this is a baby), but it got my attention!

 

BUT THEN, as they were leaving, Julie tells Baby Doe. Tell John Bye, tell him you love him, give him big kisses and hugs.

 

NOW, this is a beautiful little girl (Baby Doe). I understand it is unfortunate that Hillbilly wants nothing to do with her. Yes, I feel sad for Baby Doe.

 

BUT, John and I can't have kids because he is now fixed. I would love to have kids. I guess it kind of bothers me that we can't.

 

QUESTION:

 

DO YOU THINK THAT JULIE SHOULD BE CORRECTING BABY DOE WHEN SHE CALLS MY GUY DADDY?

 

AM I BEING UNREASONABLE?

 

SHOULD JULIE BE TELLING BABY DOE TO TELL JOHN SHE LOVES HIM AND THE KISSES AND HUGS?

[Carly]

If the visits will be regular, then yes, you are right to be concerned about the mother encouraging her toddler daughter to attach to your husband as a father figure. This will cause confusion, anxiety, loss and betrayal to the poor, poor little girl.

 

On the other hand, if this was just a one-off visit, then forget it. Don't even mention it to anyone. This child is in for a very rough life, and her problems are much more serious than a one-time error in daddy-calling judgement by her mother. This mother has erred in judegement many times in her past, and will continue to make serious mistakes in her child's upbringing.

 

Suffer the children of such scewball parents. My heart goes out to this innocent little dumpling.

[quankanne]

that's a tricky one, but I can think of two responses:

 

first scenario: deal with it from the adult's point of view and ask both John and his ex to not encourage the child to be so familiar with him. Which will be hard for the little one, because she sees and hears her siblings calling this man "daddy," so she figures it's okay for her to do so, too. You don't say how old she is, so I'm assuming she's either a toddler or a preschooler. You'll have your work cut out for you if you go this route!

 

second scenario: Bite the bullet and don't discourage the child from having a good relationship with the father of her brothers and sisters. If her own daddy is out of the picture, it's natural for her to look to him as a parental figure, and if he's a good dad, I think it'd be an honor for him to be her foster dad. Love is love no matter who it comes from, and babies can use as much as they can get. Yeah, the fact that you and John can't have kids together is a real pisser (though I understand vasectomies can be reversed), but sometimes you've got to just make the best of what you're given. If you can look past the fact that you (or John) are no way related to this child, but can still offer her guidance and emotional support all the same, yours will be a much richer life, sort of like standing in as godmother for your friend's kids. That kind of relationship isn't based on family ties, but the child -- and the adult -- benefits greatly.

 

 

soooo....

DO YOU THINK THAT JULIE SHOULD BE CORRECTING BABY DOE WHEN SHE CALLS MY GUY DADDY? it depends on what decision you make. Yes, if you and your husband decide to step back; no if you both feel comfortable about being her foster parents. I've called a lot of my mom's older friends "grandma" or "grandpa," even if we weren't related!

 

AM I BEING UNREASONABLE? no, because at least you're taking the time to think about this and get feedback. Unreasonable would be completely shutting yourself off to all the possibilities connected to this situation.

 

SHOULD JULIE BE TELLING BABY DOE TO TELL JOHN SHE LOVES HIM AND THE KISSES AND HUGS? It's one thing to encourage her to call him "daddy," but a whole other one to let the child love on someone she obviously cares about. Like I said, little kids (and old people, too) can never get enough love.

[veggie]

It's also possible that there is nothing behind the use of "daddy" in reference to "John." Lots of kids go through a stage (usually at 18 - 24 months) where all men are "daddy" -- I'm not sure I would read too much into this. It may be especially confusing for Baby Doe when she hears her siblings refer to John as "daddy."

 

Are you worried about Baby Doe's potential attachment to John (not an issue imo unless the visits are very frequent) or that Julie is using BD to manipulate John?

[km82794]

To get into a little more detail....

 

Lately we have had to deal with Julie (the ex) quite a bit. When she was with the Convict, John refused to let the kids visit their Mom because of the activity that was going on in her house.

 

Julie agreed with John that her house was not a safe enviroment for the kids to be in. She asked John if she could visit the kids at our house (we would leave). I hated the thought of her being in our house, but bit my tongue because it was for the kids.

 

Maybe I just have so much hostility towards Julie that I'm making more of it than it is. I love kids to death but this really irked me to hear her baby call John daddy. (daughter is 2 by the way).

 

See Julie has NEVER paid one dime in child support for her first three kids in 9 years. Every time we have let her have the kids in the past, she would NEVER fail to say "I need gas money to bring them home" or "If I'm going to take the kids, I need money for groceries". Or can I borrow $300 (that she'll never pay pack)because my water just got shut off and my baby can't use the toilet without running water. This woman is a loooooowlife!

 

So the way I see it, she sits on her butt, gets drunk all day, (the reason her and John divorced). She will not work, she collects hillbilly or convicts as boyfriends, and we pay her to babysit her own children.

 

So as wrong as I know it is, it just irked me to hear Julie tell her baby to tell John she loved him and give him hugs and kisses.

It was kind of like her saying "Here John, take care of another one of my kids".

 

I will add, Julie never wanted this baby. She tried to get rid of her but it was too late for an abortion. Since then she has asked John to adopt her.

 

It just makes me sick because I'm the one who would kill for a baby (figuratively speaking). I can't have one, but she'll kill one. UGHHHHHH!

 

Don't get me wrong, I love kids and this little girl is beautiful.

I know she hears her brothers and sister call John Dad and I understand that she knows no better. She is a baby afterall.

 

I'm going to try and get over it, but I know I won't have much of my bottom lip left after I repeatedly have to bite it. I guess this woman will always be my cross to bare.

 

Thank you all so much for the input, it helped me see things a little more clearly!!!

 

XOXOX

KM

[ThisGirlNameKD]

It sounds to me like this has nothing to do with Julie. Because if Julie were to straighten up her life, and happen to stop by for a visit and tell the baby to give John hugs and kisses, you will still be bothered with it. And the reason why is because you want a baby with John, and this woman has had children with John that he loves dearly and now has another baby (although it's not his) that he could possibly get attached to. So they're like a family that you're not quite apart of, childwise. And they have what you want.

 

So my question to you is, if Julie straightens up her life, would you still be comfortable with her bringing the child around to spend time with her siblings and John? Or will you still have a problem with it?

[km82794]

Well KD, you gave me something to think about and my answer is "YES, I think I would still have a problem with it no matter how much this woman coulda/woulda/shoulda straightened up her life".

 

I have no problems with a baby innocently saying Daddy, but when her mother told this two year old to tell John she loves him, give him hugs and kisses, it was Julie I was pissed at.

 

If that poor baby would have just gone up and kissed John or hugged him, it wouldn't of offended me the slightest. As I am seeing it, Julie is trying to push this baby on John, as she had done with the previous three. When her and John divorced, she didn't fight for custody in the slightest, she said "take them". What kind of mother says, you want the kids, take them?!?!??!

 

After these three, John is done raising children (his own words). He doesn't make an effort to go out of his way to be some kind of father figure to this baby. There is hardly any interaction with John and this baby at all. He refer's to the baby as "Julie's kid". When John sees this baby, he says Hi to her and smiles, but there is little more to it than that.

 

I would go along with John and adopt this child in a second if I knew that Julie would just fall off the face of the earth, but that would never happen. I have to deal with this woman for another six years as it is. What would it be if John adopted this child, another 16?!?!

 

If Julie could work it that way, she would. She thrives on the fact that she still has ties with John because of the kids. She would do anything to try and get John back even though John has repeatedly told her it will never happen. His last comment about his ex was that he could find better bar whores than Julie.

 

Now from a "Step Mothers" perspective, imagine sitting back and watching as your step kids mother takes off and moves with her boyfriend to another state without even saying goodbye to her kids, not even so much as a phone call! Then to find out, she moved back home and had been back a month and hadn't even called. (Neighbor's are great, they all love to talk)!

 

Imagine the anger I felt when my 13 year old step daughter came home from her Mom's crying because the drunk (Julie)wouldn't drive to the store and buy her pads. Or this past Christmas, seeing the hurt in the kids faces because their mom hadn't even called them all day.

 

Can you imagine how shocked the kids' father and I were when one of Julie's neighbor's called us at 6:00 in the morning and told us that my 15 yr. old stepson was with a girl, naked behind this neighbor's pool.

 

This lack of parental supervision happens every time the kids are there because Julie cares about two things and two things only....Bud Light and Losers!

 

The reason her and John are divorced is because of her drinking.

John told her it's me and the kids or your boose, take your pick,

and I'm sure you can figure out which she chose.

 

Since the divorce she has let one loser after another move in to her house and play "step daddy" to these kids. These are not ordinary men, they are prison scum.

 

I would drop over dead before I would let my children refer to some convict boyfriend, who was locked up for armed robbery as their step dad.

 

When her 13 yr. old daughter asked "Mom, why don't you get rid of the Jerry" (the convict), Julie told her "Don't worry about him honey, he's only a temporary". WHAT KIND OF MOTHER IS THIS?

 

It's bad enough that this poor two year old has a father who was a woman beating, alcoholic who refers to his own baby as "a little slut", BUT THEN, bring some other form of pond scum into the house?!?!?!?!.

 

I can admit you are right about my being envious that her and John have a family, something that I don't have with John, BUT this woman is in the baby making market. She is merely a uterus donor. She makes them and pushes them off on someone else to raise. So in a sense I feel like when she tells this poor, innocent, beautiful baby to tell John she loves him, it is her way of getting John attached, playing on his sympathies, so hopefully one day John will adopt her and once again, take Julie's responsibilities off her hands.

 

I feel if you play, you pay. This woman has done more than her share of playing with (4) kids and (3) abortions. Don't you think at 36 she would be able to grow up and take care of her responsibilities, but every time someone is there to bail poor Julie out. Hell, this poor baby doesn't even see her mothers face until noon because she stays up til 4:00 am drinking.

 

By the way, guess who ended up babysitting this child last night?

It seems her mother needed a break from all the stress of sitting on her *ss and drinking all day. Must be nice to live in a fairy tale world! I on the other hand, had to get up at 5:00 to go to work to help support her other three kids.

 

A (not so) funny story:

Sally, an acquantance of mine and I ran into each other one day. Sally knows I have three step kids. Sally also happens to know Julie. Do you know that in the four years Sally has known Julie, Julie never once mentioned she had kids, and they were friends.

 

Furthermore, I do not feel I am being a "little child" by asking others for their opinion. I have not said one word to anyone about this. As my first thread stated, I have mixed feelings about it and wanted to know what other people think.

 

Now my question to you is If I am such a "little girl", tell me why I agreed to love and support this woman's other three kids?

[km82794]

Well KD, you gave me something to think about and my answer is "YES, I think I would still have a problem with it no matter how much this woman coulda/woulda/shoulda straightened up her life".

 

I have no problems with a baby innocently saying Daddy, but when her mother told this two year old to tell John she loves him, give him hugs and kisses, it was Julie I was pissed at.

 

If that poor baby would have just gone up and kissed John or hugged him, it wouldn't of offended me the slightest. As I am seeing it, Julie is trying to push this baby on John, as she had done with the previous three. When her and John divorced, she didn't fight for custody in the slightest, she said "take them". What kind of mother says, you want the kids, take them?!?!??!

 

After these three, John is done raising children (his own words). He doesn't make an effort to go out of his way to be some kind of father figure to this baby. There is hardly any interaction with John and this baby at all. He refer's to the baby as "Julie's kid". When John sees this baby, he says Hi to her and smiles, but there is little more to it than that.

 

I would go along with John and adopt this child in a second if I knew that Julie would just fall off the face of the earth, but that would never happen. I have to deal with this woman for another six years as it is. What would it be if John adopted this child, another 16?!?!

 

If Julie could work it that way, she would. She thrives on the fact that she still has ties with John because of the kids. She would do anything to try and get John back even though John has repeatedly told her it will never happen. His last comment about his ex was that he could find better bar whores than Julie.

 

Now from a "Step Mothers" perspective, imagine sitting back and watching as your step kids mother takes off and moves with her boyfriend to another state without even saying goodbye to her kids, not even so much as a phone call! Then to find out, she moved back home and had been back a month and hadn't even called. (Neighbor's are great, they all love to talk)!

 

Imagine the anger I felt when my 13 year old step daughter came home from her Mom's crying because the drunk (Julie)wouldn't drive to the store and buy her pads. Or this past Christmas, seeing the hurt in the kids faces because their mom hadn't even called them all day.

 

Can you imagine how shocked the kids' father and I were when one of Julie's neighbor's called us at 6:00 in the morning and told us that my 15 yr. old stepson was with a girl, naked behind this neighbor's pool.

 

This lack of parental supervision happens every time the kids are there because Julie cares about two things and two things only....Bud Light and Losers!

 

The reason her and John are divorced is because of her drinking.

John told her it's me and the kids or your boose, take your pick,

and I'm sure you can figure out which she chose.

 

Since the divorce she has let one loser after another move in to her house and play "step daddy" to these kids. These are not ordinary men, they are prison scum.

 

I would drop over dead before I would let my children refer to some convict boyfriend, who was locked up for armed robbery as their step dad.

 

When her 13 yr. old daughter asked "Mom, why don't you get rid of the Jerry" (the convict), Julie told her "Don't worry about him honey, he's only a temporary". WHAT KIND OF MOTHER IS THIS?

 

It's bad enough that this poor two year old has a father who was a woman beating, alcoholic who refers to his own baby as "a little slut", BUT THEN, bring some other form of pond scum into the house?!?!?!?!.

 

I can admit you are right about my being envious that her and John have a family, something that I don't have with John, BUT this woman is in the baby making market. She is merely a uterus donor. She makes them and pushes them off on someone else to raise. So in a sense I feel like when she tells this poor, innocent, beautiful baby to tell John she loves him, it is her way of getting John attached, playing on his sympathies, so hopefully one day John will adopt her and once again, take Julie's responsibilities off her hands.

 

I feel if you play, you pay. This woman has done more than her share of playing with (4) kids and (3) abortions. Don't you think at 36 she would be able to grow up and take care of her responsibilities, but every time someone is there to bail poor Julie out. Hell, this poor baby doesn't even see her mothers face until noon because she stays up til 4:00 am drinking.

 

By the way, guess who ended up babysitting this child last night?

It seems her mother needed a break from all the stress of sitting on her *ss and drinking all day. Must be nice to live in a fairy tale world! I on the other hand, had to get up at 5:00 to go to work to help support her other three kids.

 

A (not so) funny story:

Sally, an acquantance of mine and I ran into each other one day. Sally knows I have three step kids. Sally also happens to know Julie. Do you know that in the four years Sally has known Julie, Julie never once mentioned she had kids, and they were friends.

 

Furthermore, I do not feel I am being a "little child" by asking others for their opinion. I have not said one word to anyone about this. As my first thread stated, I have mixed feelings about it and wanted to know what other people think.

 

Now my question to you is If I am such a "little girl", tell me why I chose to love and support this woman's other three kids for the rest of my life?

[midori]

First of all I think it's great that you were willing to integrate John's three children into your life. They're lucky to have you. Not everyone would be so generous.

 

As for the baby, as you have amply described, the poor child doesn't have a lot going for her in terms of family. Sure, it's manipulative for her mother to foster ties between her child and the few people she knows who could actually be positive influences in her child's life -- but hey, at least she cares enough to recognize that the kid would be far better off with you & John.

 

Your resentment is understandable. I think, however, that it's slightly misdirected. Your problem is with the mother's past, present, and probable future behavior. I think that you need to have a conversation with John about how he's going to handle his ex going forward. Why does he give her money? Why should she be in YOUR home to visit her kids, and moreover, why should you have to leave?

 

It sounds like John needs to stiffen his spine a bit where the ex is concerned. He shouldn't be giving her money, period. Being passive and accommodating to her might lessen tension and conflict with her, but it's being done at the expense of your piece of mind. You're resentful and you have a right to be.

 

Obviously John's kids want to see their mom. If she can't provide a safe environment for them in her own home, perhaps she can meet them in a diner for chats over sodas. If that means that she can't take them for weekends, etc., so be it. Sounds like she probably isn't fit to have them in her care overnight anyway.

 

Don't latch onto the wrong thing. I don't think your misgivings have anything to do with the baby and what she calls John. It sounds like you are resentful of John's compliance with his ex's demands, and you feel like you're being taken advantage of. Tell him that. Tell him that -- obviously -- you support him and his wish to do what's best for his kids. But he's going too far with favors to the ex.

[queenpamrules]

well km, i think this babies mother is a nut! i think she wants "john" to feel sorry for her and take her back! i think you should tell "john" how you feel, and explain that down the road it will only hurt the child when and if "john" is pulled out of her life . tell "john" to try to refer to himself as "john" when speaking to the baby.

 

 

or maybe you could say " come see "john" . want to come play blocks with john and me? something of that sort.

 

again my dear friend you know i have been in yet this type of situation with baby jr. and it kills me to think that boy thought i was his mother for a year and half . ( cuz, his real mom was a crackhead whore who spent most of her free time in jail) only to have his freeloading father rip him out of my life. now jr. thinks i left him as his real mom did!

 

this poor child is going to have enough problems with a drunken loser mother. who will probably lose custody of her if she stay on the road shes on. i say tell john to put a stop to the mother letting the baby call him "daddy".

the other three kids seem old enough to understand that "john" isnt their "half sisters" dad. so they to can work with you and john on changing daddy back in to john.

 

good luck my dear friend.!

[km82794]

Dear Midori,

 

Oh my God I think you have me pegged. That is EXACTLY how I feel. I'm going to take your advise and talk to John. I never seen it until you pointed it out to me!!!!

 

Thank you so much, you made my day!

KM

[km82794]

To my dearest friend Queenpam,

 

As always, you're absolutely right. My conflict isn't with this baby at all, it's with this babies poor excuse for a mom.

 

Thank you for always, always, being there! I'm glad theres atleast some people who understand this and don't think I'm just whining!!!

 

K

[sisterwhocares]

um ya, all the ex wife would be doing is confusing the poor child. especially when the father just decides to come back into the babies life. and i also understand why she might not want to have the child feel as if it has no father.