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He got abusive


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zoecharlene

By boyfriend got abusive this weekend after I ignored him at a dance. I ignored him because I was giving him a taste of his own medicine.

 

We went to this dance together, and he was busy talking to old friends. No big deal, I didn't mind at all. Well, going to public places with him in the past made him mad when I would just take off and walk around. I've never cheated on him and have never disrespected him with other guys.

 

So out of respect I tried getting his attention to tell him I'd be right back. I was trying to avoid him getting upset about me taking off. I told him I was going to the restroom and he ignored me, so I kept telling him about three more times. I was trying to get his attention as much as I could without interrupting his conversation with his friend. Finally after the third time I just walked off and went to the bathroom. After doing my own thing with some friends he attempted to come up to me and talk to me, well I did the same thing to him that he was doing to me. I ignored him.

 

He got real upset and pulled me outside. He took me on the side of the dance hall and started pulling my hair by my ears and bit my lip. He pulled my earrings off and lost one. They were expensive earrings that his aunt bought for me for Christmas. He told me he just got real jealous.

 

We went home after that and he apologized to me over and over. Telling me he doesn't want to hurt me like he did and that he wishes he could handle the situation different.

 

Well I forgave him because I love him a lot. I don't know what to do about his little bursts of jealously and abusiveness. He's loyal from what I know and we get along real well. When we have differences we always talk about them and try working them out. He wanted to find out what he did wrong and said he wanted to learn what made me so mad, so he won't do it again.

 

I want to know if anyone has advice for me on this. I'm worried he may act this way again.

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honey, it sounds like you found yourself a real Neanderthal, and there's no excuse for his chosing to hurt you. Forgiving him is one thing, letting him continue to abuse you is a way different story. Love shouldn't hurt, bottom line. Dump his sorry butt and try to develop some self-esteem. That kind of "love" is often a deadly kind of love.

 

don't know if you get access to the chick-channel, "Lifetime," but they showed a movie about the hippie-guru, Ira Einhorn, who founded Earth Day. Basically, he was an over-rated, self-absorbed •sshole who had people eating out of his hand because they found him so charming, but who treated his women like sh•t. When one of them tried to leave, he killed her and hid the body in a trunk in his closet, and no one knew where she was for 18 months. Only a search warrant to go through his apartment yielded her body. Sounds horriffic, but it's based on a true story, and the girl, Holly Maddux, is from the town I'm living in right now.

 

sounds like your boyfriend is a similar time-bomb waiting to go off, and I highly suggest that you cut it off now, before you find yourself in even more treacherous waters. It doesn't matter how much he claims to love you, or how well you get along otherwise -- he's no good for you. After all, if your family had a dog that was sweet and loving, but then mauled someone out of the blue, you wouldn't keep it, would you? Why should you do the same with a unstable boyfriend?

 

quank

 

P.S. "He wanted to find out what he did wrong and said he wanted to learn what made me so mad, so he won't do it again"? sounds like he's blaming YOU for making him angry, not himself. He's a loser, Zoe, and you deserve much better than what he can offer, no matter how much you tell yourself you love or need him. Believe me, you don't need his kind of baggage.

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zoecharlene

Thank you for your advice. I know I need to make some sort of decision. I just don't know when or where, but I do know this information helps a bunch. My family doesn't like him and that should be enough for me to leave, but some part of me actually thinks he is a good man.

 

It's weird, but I actually feel something major changing in my life and I can't put my finger on it. Maybe it's me leaving him.

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There should be absolutely no doubt, none whatsoever, in your mind that you must have nothing further to do with this man.

 

I don't care HOW sorry he is: he physically abused you! He damaged your property!

 

His behavior was way out of line, way out of proportion for the supposed "offense" you committed, AND completely hypocritical given that he had been treating you the same way.

 

NO ONE is worth being treated that way. It is far far far better to be alone than to have an abusive partner. He can do it again and he probably will. There is no way you could come up with a rationalization that would adequately explain why that was a one-time episode. No way.

 

Abusers are often overhwelmed with remorse after they lash out. But that's not enough to stop them the next time. If you let it continue he will have you in such a state of terror that you will be unwilling to do anything that might set him off, including leaving him. In other words, you'll lose your common sense and objectivity.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh or condescending but I just cannot imagine how you could consider staying with this guy. It should have been over the minute he pulled your hair. Frankly, it should have been over the minute he grabbed your arm and pulled you out of the room. You are not a disobedient child. He has absolutely no right -- none -- to even think that he can behave like that toward anyone.

 

I strongly advise you to cut him out of your life completely: no if's, and's or but's. No matter how much he begs, no matter how much he promises to change. You change: your phone number, your email, and even your address if you have to.

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