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This post is only for curiosity purposes and I don't expect a concrete answer. I basically just want to hear different people's opinions on this situation.

 

A little background here... When I met my current boyfriend, he was engaged, but things had already started to fall apart with that relationship. He was very unhappy and would confide in me about all their problems. To make a long story short, 7 months prior to their break up, she stopped all intimacy with him. He said that when he tried to initiate any kind of intimacy that she would tell him to stop and back away. Apparently, before this, they had a very healthy sex life.

 

My question is this: What causes someone to just shut off like that? When he would ask her about it, she would tell him that she didn't know what was wrong.

 

I am not trying to neccesarily find out why she in particular behaved in this manner, but the concept is so foreign to me that it has caused me to just wonder in general why people go from enjoying sex with their partner to all of sudden not wanting intimacy at all.

 

They didn't have any problems in their relationship at all until this started. He was nothing but good to her. I just don't understand. Any insights on this would be appreciated. Thanks.

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YOU ASK: " What causes someone to just shut off like that? When he would ask her about it, she would tell him that she didn't know what was wrong."

 

I don't think you are getting the complete story from your boyfriend...just the details HE wants to give you. There is always a good reason this happens and it usually has a lot to do with the state of the relationship.

 

There are any one of a thousand reasons why a woman can suddenly want to stop having sex with a partner but the greatest reason is it results from some kind of emotional hurt inflicted upon them by their partner. A partner can become sexually unattracted to the other but it's usually for that same reason.

 

My greatest suspicion is something happened between the two of these people and your guy is omitting that information. If he doesn't want to give it to you, just don't worry about it. It's in the past.

 

Now, there are a few other things that a biological, hormonal and psychological that could have caused this as well so you have to give your guy the benefit of the doubt.

 

Absent the subject (his ex) of the investigation and diagnosis, you will NEVER get to the true root cause. Perhaps your guy's ex herself hasn't gotten it figured out.

 

Your bigger concern should be that if the two of you ever have a problem like this, your boyfriend will use a bit better level of communication to work things out. Relationships are very fragile and if two people aren't able to talk, major things like the event you described can be fatal.

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Its not a conscious decision. It is generated from feelings that are closer the instincts of the person.

 

Sometimes people who are not right for each other get together because it is convenient, there is some attraction, both are lonely, both want the same thing etc. and after time one half of the couple realise that it was a mistake but feel badly. They may try and fake it for a while because breakups are difficult for both parties and there is a lot of guilt there. However, while I person goes through this faking process any feelings that may have been there really deteriorate to the point where they cannot even fake it any more and they immediately want to cease all intimacy.

 

Your current bf may have thought it was a good relationship even though it wasn't, and if he has not had much experience this could easily happen. Until a person experiences a completely wholesome relationship, they may think a half-hearted one is really enough.

 

Trust me, if she wanted to cease all intimacy, he feelings would have been festering for some time before she got to this point. She faked it for a while. I'll also point out that this has nothing to do with him or her, it's just the compatibilty was not there. Celebrate the fact that you two have it.

 

Oliver

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I think people often don't want to be intimate when they get depressed. Some may seek comfort in their partner, but others close up ...

 

-yes

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I just don't believe that - I don't believe that people are just bopping merrily along and then "all of a sudden" some higher power flicks a switch and all desire drains out of a person.

 

Put aside possible physiological and mental disorders, for most people and women in particular sex, or rather good sex is tied in with communication, friendship and love and technique. If one of these areas is lacking even a little the 'build up' over months, sometimes years leads to a kind of chasm, a gap that gets ever wider if not repaired.

 

Maybe she was hurt and resentful over something and used sex to show it. Maybe, she was bored and lost the will to fake it. Maybe she had grown to fear the committment of marriage and didn't find a better way to voice her feelings. Whatever the case, evidently friendship and communication was damaged since your guy was unhappy and she had lost her desire for her partner but found no way to communicate the reasons to him for 7 months. Neither could find the problem in the relationship and fix it - a break up was inevitable.

 

They 'didn't have any problems in the relationship' -- I'd say somewhere along the line they did. It may have been difficult to identify for one or both but problems somewhere more often than not lead to bedroom problems, leading to more problems and so the dance continues..

 

Unhappiness is not conducive to a fulfilling sex life. Sex really starts in the head, it's 90% in the mind, throw a spanner in that and it might appear sudden but desire will dwindle and die over a period of time.

 

Sex should be an expression of love and contentment and good sex the result of an ongoing mental and emotional connection. People change, goals shift, hearts will naturally grow apart if an effort isn't made to grow together. A 'bad' relationship will produce bad sex (or no sex) if left to it's own devices - it will only appear sudden if you don't pay attention.

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Thanks to everyone who responded! It was helpful to hear everyone's thoughts on the subject. I am not going to dwell on this, since it doesn't concern me at all. I guess curiosity just got the better of me.

 

It's true that I'll never know the real reason why she shut off from him. I think that it mostly had to do with her own issues with herself and partly from the relationship. My boyfriend did mention that once he put the ring on her finger, it was all downhill from there.

 

Thanks again for the input!

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