Pursuing/chasing :P

[Sunflower]

Hi all I was just having fun conversations with friends at dinner tonight about men and women and "pursuing" and I wanted to post here and see what all your thoughts are, just for fun~

 

Divided opinion between friends and me:

The Shy Guy: Is it true that no matter HOW shy, how introverted a man is, if a woman truly sparks his interest, he will find some way to pursue her no matter what? So the woman shouldn't think she needs to be aggressive and initiate things all the time? That could turn a shy guy off too? Or will he like that? Or does the woman need to bring him out of his shell so to speak?

 

Phone Calls: If a guy has called you and you weren't available, is it ok then to call him back? A pal says "no don't even call back. If he really wants you, he'll call back on his own." But I don't know, I think I'd get kind of pissed off if I were a guy calling a girl and she never called me back for the missed calls. And is there such a thing as the 7 day rule after a first date? Gosh, if it took a guy 7 days to call me back I would have assumed he wasn' t interested by then! But that' s just me.

 

How much give and take should there be? Should women leave it all completely up to the men? Women should initiate at times too of course right?

 

I know that people might see these as silly stereotyped mind games but it was a fun topic of discussion. And I don't know, I myself have this romantic notion of the gallant man taking the lead and chasing/pursuing his love interest lady. I find it so romantic...but what do I know .. Doesn't it take the fun out if the woman keeps contacting him? But then again, I could be stereotyping and living in the dark ages and need to wake up and smell the coffee...just my thoughts, I was curious to opinions because it was amazing how different our thoughts were among ourselves!

 

Cheers!

~N~

[Tony T]

1. "Is it true that no matter HOW shy, how introverted a man is, if a woman truly sparks his interest, he will find some way to pursue her no matter what?"

 

Depends on the guy. But in most cases he will not pursue her "no matter what."

 

2. "So the woman shouldn't think she needs to be aggressive and initiate things all the time?"

 

Depends on the guy. But the woman doesn't need to be aggressive "all the time" but she needs to use good sense to know when to and when not to.

 

3. "That could turn a shy guy off too?"

 

Depends on the guy. Some men really like a woman to take the initative because that takes away their fear of rejection.

 

4. "Or will he like that?"

 

Depends on the guy. Some men really like a woman to take the initiative because that takes away their fear of rejection.

 

5. "Or does the woman need to bring him out of his shell so to speak?"

 

Depends on the guy. Some men really like a woman to take the intiative because that takes away their fear of rejection.

 

6. "If a guy has called you and you weren't available, is it ok then to call him back?"

 

If a guy leaves a message, it's rude not to return the call. If the female doesn't like him, she needs to tell him upon returning the call and then put his number on call block.

 

7. "A pal says "no don't even call back. If he really wants you, he'll call back on his own."

 

The majority of men will interpret an unreturned call as a lack of interest and just move on.

 

8. "But I don't know, I think I'd get kind of pissed off if I were a guy calling a girl and she never called me back for the missed calls."

 

People are free to get pissed off at whatever they want to. But when a girl doesn't call me back, she does me a major favor. She is telling me, non verbally, not to waste anymore of my time. She's also telling me that she is much too rude to be in my life.

 

9. "And is there such a thing as the 7 day rule after a first date?"

 

There is no rule at all. But if you don't get a call within a reasonable amount of time, write the person off. Nobody is obligated to call you. It's a great mistake to wait for any particular person to call. Screw them if they don't call!!!

 

10. "How much give and take should there be? Should women leave it all completely up to the men? Women should initiate at times too of course right?"

 

You sure do like to should on yourself and other people. There are no rules. Play it by ear. If you don't have ears, play it by nose. Be flexible. Use your head. Be skillful. Go after what you want. But if somebody doesn't respond, piss on them. Go find somebody else.

 

Stop looking for rules. There aren't any. Everything depends on the particular guy!!!

[Ladybug313]

Hello Sunflower.

You stated, "A pal says "no don't even call back. If he really wants you, he'll call back on his own."

I am by no means saying anything bad about your pal, but I think this is not a very nice behavior. That is rude to the man. If he called you and you are interested call him back. Actually I would personally call him back even if I wasn't interested and tell him so. Politely. To not return calls and leave the guy hanging is just mean. If a guy continues to pursue you even if you do that, well, he's missing out on the much nicer ladies out there. Too bad.

 

As for initiating, pursuing, and what not, I think you just have to get a sense of how much is enough and well, go with it. Don't contact him 24/7, but don't sit so passively that he starts to think you don't care. I find that if you stick to your own activities and not focus all your energy on the guy and the situation, the balance falls in naturally. If that makes any sense.

 

Coming from a 22 year old who's never been in a serious relationship, this advice could be way off. But that's my opinion on the matter, and if the guy doesn't want to go with that, well, I guess he's not the one for me.

[clia]

The Shy Guy: Is it true that no matter HOW shy, how introverted a man is, if a woman truly sparks his interest, he will find some way to pursue her no matter what?

 

I think so. I have past experience to prove it, too. He may not come on like gangbusters, like some guys do, so you have to learn to appropriately judge his signals, which may be different from player types or more outgoing guys, but they are there.

 

So the woman shouldn't think she needs to be aggressive and initiate things all the time?

 

I don't think women should ever aggressively initiate things with a guy in the beginning of a relationship. I think it's fine to drop some hints if the guy is *really* clueless, but that's about it, at least to get the relationship off the ground.

 

That could turn a shy guy off too?

 

I think it could turn anyone off if you charge into their life and start chasing them excessively. Even a shy guy.

 

Or does the woman need to bring him out of his shell so to speak?

 

Possibly. But she doesn't have to do this by pursuing him. She should let him lead and be very warm and receptive to his advances, and the coming out of the shell part will come with time.

 

Phone Calls: If a guy has called you and you weren't available, is it ok then to call him back?

 

If he says "Please call me back" then yes, call him back. If he says "I'll try back later" then you are off the hook and don't have to call back. If he doesn't say either of the above, then what is the gist of the message? I don't think you always have to call back if he's just calling to chat, for example. But if he says he really wants to talk to you, that's a different situation. It varies.

 

And is there such a thing as the 7 day rule after a first date?

 

I've never heard of a seven day rule. I've heard of a three day rule, though, and I think it's perfect.

 

How much give and take should there be? Should women leave it all completely up to the men? Women should initiate at times too of course right?

 

My experience (and this is obviously just my opinion) has taught me that it's better to let the guy initiate, pursue, and take the lead in the beginning (i.e. the first 2-3 months) of a relationship. It's better not to be the girl who is initiating, pursuing, and chasing the guy, calling him daily, e-mailing him daily, etc. It's better for the girl to mainly let the guy do the work, because it tells her very clearly how he feels about her. That's not to say that you should *never* initiate, because it does work both ways, and you want the guy to know you like him, right? But there is a balance. It's one thing to every now and then ask him to do something or to give him a call. It's another thing entirely to be the one who is doing all the work, calling and initiating everything with him. I've had much better relationships with the guys who did the pursuing, than the ones I chased, back when I was young and stupid. With the ones who really liked me, I never even had to worry about all this stuff. They were calling and asking me out so much that I didn't even have a chance to reciprocate.

 

I myself have this romantic notion of the gallant man taking the lead and chasing/pursuing his love interest lady. I find it so romantic...but what do I know

 

You are very smart! I agree with this. I agree (based on my experience) that the ones who are really interested have no problem stepping up to the plate. Of course, it depends if you want a masculine or a feminine kind of guy. The masculine ones love taking the lead and taking care of pretty little you.

 

Doesn't it take the fun out if the woman keeps contacting him?

 

It not only takes the fun out of it, IMO it has strong potential to ruin everything, depending on the guy. The important thing to remember is that men are different from women. They (massive generalization, hee!) don't need to talk endlessly about every little thing that happened in their day or the relationship, they sometimes need to step back and get some space, they don't analyze everything as much as we do!

 

Everyone views this stuff differently, though, and it can vary immensely depending on the guy or the girl. Heck, I know a lot of couples who from date 1 were calling and seeing each other every single day and now they are married. I know others who went much more slowly and now they are married. You just have to decide what works for you, and what type of relationship you want. For me, I don't want I guy I have to chase down. I want him to chase me.