aloofness, etc...

[yes]

The more stories I hear, the more I see that the one who isn't obsessed with their partner & is cool-headed wins. Right?

 

But ... what about that feeling when ALL that matters at the moment is that he calls?? ALL you can think about is him? It's an immensely nice feeling that leads to quick death of the relationship, if shown. Right?

 

So I guess my question is - is it possible to combine the two? Is it possible to be crazy for someone, yet stay cool enough to deal with him/her appropriately? Do you know what I mean?

 

Also, I'm wondering if it's possible to actually be seeking heartbreak - it just sounds so elevated and poetic so have a broken heart, to be complete crazy about someone & not have the feeling returned, yada yada. Happens, doesn't it?

 

Similarly, it seems there's an idea floating around that all "mentally advanced" people are at least a little depressed - like writers, poets, etc... - sounds familiar? That image of mr./ mrs. hypersensitivity with a cigarette, a bottle of rum, and a typewriter.... It's just so cool to say "ignorance is bliss", i wish i was dumber, i wish i didn't realize so much about life and the world, i could be happier then...

 

On the other side, you've got the image of a happy family - daddy works out, mommy plants flowers, kids are all baseball team captains.

 

Then there's the single (parent) ... confident, been-around-the-block, career-oriented, doesn't believe in love.

 

I'll stop here, hehe. I'm full of stereotypes, huh? And i got a bit off track, oops...

 

- yes =)

[Tony T]

1. "But ... what about that feeling when ALL that matters at the moment is that he calls??"

 

Expecting that another human being do a specific thing is absolutely insane. If you sit around waiting for any other human being to perform any task in a specific manner or time frame, check yourself into a sanitarium. Then again, some say love is temporary insanity.

 

Oddly, if the love interest senses you are NOT sitting around waiting for them to call and are carrying about your life as usually, it drives them insane and makes them fall even more madly!!!

 

2. "ALL you can think about is him? It's an immensely nice feeling that leads to quick death of the relationship, if shown. Right?"

 

If shown too soon, hell yes. It can kill it quicker than anything else. What you are experiencing is a chemical reaction in your brain. In earlier civilizations, it served a purpose. When male and female felt that way, they went straight to intercourse for the purpose of procreation.

 

Now that there are enough people on the planet...actually more than necessary....the massive chemical reaction so early on isn't as necessary anymore. Relationships are relatively new in the timeline of evolution. We still haven't come nearly close in getting them right. But one thing for sure, the more you want one to happen the more it will elude you.

 

3. "So I guess my question is - is it possible to combine the two? Is it possible to be crazy for someone, yet stay cool enough to deal with him/her appropriately? Do you know what I mean?"

 

Yes, it is certainly possible but not likely to happen. That chemical reaction is often strong and hard to ignore.

 

Since people are basically stimulated by challenge and unpredictability, you sort of have to go in quite the opposite direction of how you feel...at least in the beginning. Then go back a bit to strike the balance you speak of in your question.

 

Relationships that proceed more slowly and build on a solid foundation of friendship, admiration and respect are the ones that last the longest. Now, if you're just wanting a quick roll in the hay, go bonkers and you can certainly get that from an immediate reaction.

 

4. "Also, I'm wondering if it's possible to actually be seeking heartbreak - it just sounds so elevated and poetic so have a broken heart, to be complete crazy about someone & not have the feeling returned, yada yada. Happens, doesn't it?"

 

Very odd you should bring that up. Yes, a lot of people actually feel their best when they have been rejected in love and they are hurting. That's when they go out, exercise, lose weight, travel and do all kinds of things to make them feel alive.

 

Those are the crazy people who work their butts off to get the wrong person...the person they know will reject them....just in order to get the rejection that brings them to life. Most of the time they don't understand what they're doing or why they are doing it. They would never, ever go for somebody who they thought really cared about them. That would not bring them to the depression they sickly seek.

 

This group of people are usually committment phobics or others who have gotten addicted to the rejection part of the love cycle. Go figure!!!

[yes]

Tony, you said: "Yes, a lot of people actually feel their best when they have been rejected in love and they are hurting. That's when they go out, exercise, lose weight, travel and do all kinds of things to make them feel alive. ... "

 

That's very interesting. I wonder what experiences could lead people to live their life that way. I'm sure all these personality types and issues have been studied - what kind of authors should I look for, for more on this subject?

 

I think the fact is that rejections can cause stronger emotions than a levelled "good" relationship. Perhaps those emotions is what makes these people happy and active...

 

Thanks,

-yes

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "I wonder what experiences could lead people to live their life that way."

 

There are many people to which rejection and depression is home. Feeling good about people and life is actually pretty foreign to them. Usually, they come from very highly dysfunctional families.

 

You also have to understand that depression is caused by chemicals in the brain that can be just as addicting as any other chemicals or drugs. A lot of people just act in a way that subconsciously brings them back to failure, rejection, sadness, depression, etc.

 

And you are correct about the intensity of depression. It is a strong feeling downward whereas a stable relationship is pretty level with not a great intensity upward after the initial honeymood period.

 

Hell, I'll never figure it out. But I do know for a fact that a lot of people are very much at home and just fine when they are depressed. There are actually neurotics who become quite nervous when they start feeling good for a brief time. The uneasiness drives them back to their anxious state, which is far more familiar to them and therefore more comfortable.

[clia]

The more stories I hear, the more I see that the one who isn't obsessed with their partner & is cool-headed wins. Right?

 

You are dealing with extremes here. I think a person who is obsessed with their partner always ultimately loses, as does the person who is so cool-headed they can't or won't get emotionally involved. There is a balance between the two.

 

But ... what about that feeling when ALL that matters at the moment is that he calls?? ALL you can think about is him? It's an immensely nice feeling that leads to quick death of the relationship, if shown. Right?

 

Not true. It's very normal to have "that feeling" when you meet someone you really like, to feel excited when they call, to think about them. Most (if not all) relationships start out this way.

 

It completely depends on the person how much you share about those feelings and at what point in time. In general, I've found it better to not gush and go on and on about how crazy I am about a guy very early on in the relationship (i.e., the first few months). Those initial feelings aren't necessarily love, even though they feel that way, and are often confused with love. They are lust, infatuation, etc. I think both men and women have a tendency to get scared off when someone they barely know starts moving into their life too quickly, talking marriage or "I miss you" or "You are my soul mate"...etc...(See How To Lose A Guy in Ten Days). That's where it's better to not completely share your level of googliness too soon, and to simply go with the flow, keep a clear head, and see where the relationship goes.

 

So I guess my question is - is it possible to combine the two? Is it possible to be crazy for someone, yet stay cool enough to deal with him/her appropriately? Do you know what I mean?

 

Of course you can combine the two. You have to! Speaking again about the beginning of the relationship in general, because again, that is where I think it is most important to have a proper balance...you can do this by staying busy, by continuing to date other people until you discuss exclusivity, by doing anything except sitting home daydreaming and waiting for the call. Ultimately, once you are through the first few months, I think it's okay to let your guard down a bit and to let more of your feelings show through, and it's certainly acceptable once you are engaged or married!