pinkroses Posted March 23, 2003 Share Posted March 23, 2003 that my ex-husband is getting re-married in the next few months. We've been divorced since '95, and I have not had feelings for the man since well before I filed papers. All that matters to me is that his bride-to-be is good to my son. I don't begrudge my ex possible happiness with this new person, but I must admit I'm not envious, but disappointed---for myself. I really believed, in all these years, that I would be the first one to remarry. My ex had trouble letting go for the longest time, and grounded in traditional beliefs, he was reluctant to admit the marriage was truly over and he'd have to accept it and move on. He's always had a sense of ownership and control toward me. I thought he might not ever remarry. I know it's not a contest, but just a short time after having a long-term relationship of my own fail, this news is leaving me feeling quite down. Ever since I left my boyfriend and moved back to my home town I have not felt desirable or attractive at all. I realize there needs to be a significant period of alone time and healing after a relationship, and I am not dating or seeking out anyone new at all. I just don't have any inner confidence and I don't like what I see in the mirror anymore. I just feel old and blah and unloved, like some asexual being. I'm working really hard at rebuilding my life and being a good mother to my son, that's where all my energies go now, into my new job and my child. I can be happy with that. But nothing takes away the lingering feeling of emptiness inside that resurfaces every time I hear people talking about the loves in their lives. Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful I'm not tied to some jerk making me miserable right now. I'm actually enjoying the safe haven of not being in a relationship for the time being. But like I say, there's still this emptiness and devastation in my heart over the rejections I've faced, and thoughts of a future without the kind of love I feel I deserve as much as the next person. Thanks for listening. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted March 23, 2003 Share Posted March 23, 2003 from what I understand, what you're describing is a common reaction that people have to the news of their exes' remarriages. I've never gone through that myself, but I should think it would have something to do with the fact that it marks the passing of another phase in your relationship with your ex. You were accustomed to thinking of him in a particular way vis a vis yourself, even though the relationship was over. You didn't think he accepted the divorce, didn't think he'd ever remarry. You had a picture of him in your mind, about his general orientation toward you, about his motives, etc. Whether or not you interact with him at all now, you'd still have formed a picture of him in your mind, we all do that especially with people who are or once were quite significant in our lives. Now you've got signs that he has accepted the divorce, that he is moving on. Forces you to shift your paradigm where he is concerned. I'll bet it doesn't have anything to do with whether or not you're with someone else, nor is it about begrudging him happiness with another person. I'm sure that this change doesn't make your own single-ness any easier at the moment (not that it's a punishment, I know). It's change, and I think it's probably natural to have some ambivalence about it. Good luck with finding happiness in your own life Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted March 23, 2003 Share Posted March 23, 2003 I think you will find that your ex's marriage will pull some connections within you that will be very liberating. It won't take very long for you to resolve yourself that it's OK to take a little energy away from your job and your child to look out for YOURSELF and find the kind of love that you are yearning for underneath all the headstuff you've stacked on top of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted March 24, 2003 Share Posted March 24, 2003 Yesterday, I was doing some Spring Cleaning, and fell across a little yellow card. I opened it up, and it was the sweetest card signed "To my beautiful wife, From your husband." I sat it down, felt strange...for 2 reasons. 1) The card said probably the sweetest thing he'd ever said to me during our entire marriage, and 2) He's about to get remarried. I was always the one that wanted out. When it was finally over, he had a hard time getting over it...until I finally just unleashed on him for making a fake screen name and going in the chat room that I frequented. Next thing I hear...he was going on a trip to Arkansas...to this place he'd always wanted to take me...a month later, I found out that it was with a girl who was now living in "my" house, with my remaining things and living with the man who didn't believe in that sort of thing when we got married. THEN I found out that the bf of a friend of mine is her cousin and that they'd slept on our couch, knew my husband well and his fiance type person. As their wedding day gets closer, it's been kinda hard. I mean, I can't even find a descent bf, much less a husband. Sometimes I feel like even more of a failure, bc this man I was so ready to leave, found someone before I did. All that matters is that you found out he wasn't the one for you. I think about that girl and say to myself...I hope this....I hope she realizes that...etc., but then I think....how wrong of me to even consider the fact that she may be a completely different person....him too, and they could be totally happy. When I left my ex husband, I loved him enough that I wanted him to find happiness. I figured, it was better to break his heart now, and let it hurt for just a little while, than to live a lie...he deserved to find his "one" just like I did. And when I think of it like that, his new relationship makes me smile. Kinda reassures me that I made the right decision. Its easy to be sad about this. No woman wants to admit that she's no longer on the top of an ex's mind....(well at least one that she still cares about anyway)...ESPECIALLY when she feels like her importance has been replaced. The truth is, just as weird as you feel about her being in that spot, she'll always secretly think of you...bc you were his first love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pinkroses Posted March 26, 2003 Author Share Posted March 26, 2003 Your comments were very reassuring. Link to post Share on other sites
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