Insecure and feeling a little jealous.

[akina4777]

Hi all.

 

Let me start by saying my boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year and 9 months. We've been living together for about 1 year and 7 months.

 

I love him to absolute death. He is the most amazing man in every single way possible. At the beginning of our relationship I was very insecure. I thought he was going to cheat on me or find another woman. Well, I grew out of all of that. Since the end of last year and beginning of this year, I have been pretty confident in our relationship. For the first year of our relationship I even had NIGHTMARES about losing him, him leaving me or other girls flirting with him. I still occasionally have them but they aren't reocurring.

 

I'll be honest, I have read his text messages a few times before. I don't do it thinking I'm going to find something from another girl, I just do it because I'm nosey. Well a couple of weeks ago I went through his text messages. There was a female co-worker talking to him there.

 

She said "don't lose the [item for work] or your ass is mine!!!" he replied with "I'll try" (to lose the item so his ass would be hers?) This worried me ALOT. I confronted him about it and he did get mad that I went through his texts. He told me it was only a joke and all of the co-workers there are like a family because they get treated badly by their managers. My boyfriend is 21 and he also said that she's like 40.

 

I have gone through his texts a few times since then. He doesn't talk to her before or after he gets off of work. My mother has been working at my boyfriend's work place for 10 years. I asked her who the girl he was talking to was and she said that she was a "whore". She said there's a group of girls that work that shift that slack off and do nothing but flirt with the men coworkers to get their ways and etc.

 

His recent text messages have still got me feeling a little jealous and insecure. She sent him a dumb picture of her wearing her new hat without her eyes showing or anything. He complimented her by saying she didn't look her age. I figure it's fine that he complimented her.

 

There was another text I found where she was talking about her boyfriend and said she "wouldn't do anything for him if he was the last man on earth" and that she'd "go lesbo before doing anything for him". My boyfriend replied with "oOoOo lesbo. lol j/k u are bad"

 

I think my boyfriend is faithful. He has told me over and over again that he'd never leave me or cheat on me and that he loves me and appreciates everything I do for him. I know he means his words, but with him talking to this girl I feel jealous and insecure. I feel like I'm not doing enough or showing enough love to him or something.

 

He doesn't call her, he doesn't text her or talk to her on his days off or anything - they only talk when they're at work. Honestly, I wish she knew about me. I wish there was some way to make him tell her that he has a girlfriend or something. It'd make me feel so much better...

 

Am I wrong for feeling insecure and jealous over this?

[Trent21]

thats how my girlfriend was with me at first. she broke into myspace to see what i was doing. she found a co worker that worked with both of us was sending me little flirty jokes and she started crying and freaking out and was having nightmares i was going to leave her for the coworker but it wasnt like that at all it was just harmless messages. your boyfriend is probably just trying to be funny it sounds harmless dont worry

[akina4777]

thats how my girlfriend was with me at first. she broke into myspace to see what i was doing. she found a co worker that worked with both of us was sending me little flirty jokes and she started crying and freaking out and was having nightmares i was going to leave her for the coworker but it wasnt like that at all it was just harmless messages. your boyfriend is probably just trying to be funny it sounds harmless dont worry

 

I definitely wasn't freaking out and going crazy about it. I mean, when I first found out about the messages, it worried me. I confronted him about it and we talked. I did cry, but I did it to myself because I know that my insecurity is my problem and he shouldn't have to deal with it.

 

He knows that I get very insecure sometimes. When I really think about the text messages, I have to tell myself that they're only light-hearted and he probably didn't mean any of it like how I took it. That makes me worry less, but then there's always something else telling me "why would you joke with family like that?"

 

I know he's faithful when he says that he isn't going to leave me or cheat on me. We have alot planned for the future together. I mean, what girl doesn't get insecure and jealous sometimes? I just need help dealing with it.

[Odyssey]

Reading your post, it all sound pretty harmless and your bf was just joking around. I think it's normal that everyone do get jealous sometimes, as long as it doesn't constantly occupy your thoughts every day, then its fine.

 

But you have gotta stop checking his phone.

[akina4777]

Reading your post, it all sound pretty harmless and your bf was just joking around. I think it's normal that everyone do get jealous sometimes, as long as it doesn't constantly occupy your thoughts every day, then its fine.

 

But you have gotta stop checking his phone.

 

It does sound harmless, but it feels so awkward knowing that he's talking to some other girl. It makes me feel like he's doing it because I'm not doing something right... I know that it's my own insecurity and I'm trying to get over it and be as confident as I can.

 

I'm working on not checking his texts as well.

[NomadNewlyweds]

Reading your post, it all sound pretty harmless and your bf was just joking around. I think it's normal that everyone do get jealous sometimes, as long as it doesn't constantly occupy your thoughts every day, then its fine.

 

But you have gotta stop checking his phone.

 

I agree with you odyssey that it does sound pretty harmless. there is nothing really bad that was said....and Akina by no means am i trying to freak you out but these texts can be conversations that are the building blocks of something bad down the road. remember that I said "CAN" not "ARE" because in my personal opinion i don't think your bf has any ill-intentions by talking to this person from work. but on the other hand affairs don't start with "hey you want to go to my place after work"......they start with casual conversation.

 

like i said i'm not trying to freak you out, all i'm saying is that there could be danger in even small communication like this......even a small "hello how was your day" has the potential to be dangerous.

 

so really it doesn't come down to what was said as much as it comes down to if you really trust your man. and it sounds like you have some insecureities that are bringing out this distrust. i used to be like this with the nightmares of my wife leaving or cheating on me because it was a problem that i had to deal with myself.

 

try working on mending your insecurities with your husband cheating on you through communication with your husband. and if these texts really bother you than say they bother you. As a man i know it's hard to put myself in other people shoes so try just that. ask him if the tables were turned and you were texting back and forth an attractive man at work who is known as a "whore" how would he feel. dont let this bring division because it easily will if you come down hard on him.

[akina4777]

I agree with you odyssey that it does sound pretty harmless. there is nothing really bad that was said....and Akina by no means am i trying to freak you out but these texts can be conversations that are the building blocks of something bad down the road. remember that I said "CAN" not "ARE" because in my personal opinion i don't think your bf has any ill-intentions by talking to this person from work. but on the other hand affairs don't start with "hey you want to go to my place after work"......they start with casual conversation.

 

like i said i'm not trying to freak you out, all i'm saying is that there could be danger in even small communication like this......even a small "hello how was your day" has the potential to be dangerous.

 

so really it doesn't come down to what was said as much as it comes down to if you really trust your man. and it sounds like you have some insecureities that are bringing out this distrust. i used to be like this with the nightmares of my wife leaving or cheating on me because it was a problem that i had to deal with myself.

 

try working on mending your insecurities with your husband cheating on you through communication with your husband. and if these texts really bother you than say they bother you. As a man i know it's hard to put myself in other people shoes so try just that. ask him if the tables were turned and you were texting back and forth an attractive man at work who is known as a "whore" how would he feel. dont let this bring division because it easily will if you come down hard on him.

 

I want to talk to him about my insecurities, but at the same time I don't because he's already stressed from work and I've been so insecure in the past - it's just so old.

 

I'm just going to ask him if he ever feel insecure like I do. I'm going to tell him it feels kind of awkward for him to be talking to another girl like that that isn't family but it isn't his fault at all, I'm just being honest.

[sibylline]

I think you need to really trust him, but more importantly trust yourself. If you can find a way to get over your insecurities, you will be strong and confident and there will be way less reason for him to cheat on you. The checking his phone and getting jealous can start to wedge a divide into your relationship. If he does not think he has your trust, he has an excuse to break it. Nothing he has done so far has given you a true reason to be jealous, so try and stay strong and trust in him, yourself and the strength of your relationship to carry you through. People flirt, and have to interact with members of the opposite sex. Just know that he is coming home to be with you, and give him a reason to look forward to that everyday, instead of dreading your unwarranted jealously.

[whichwayisup]

Honestly, I wish she knew about me. I wish there was some way to make him tell her that he has a girlfriend or something. It'd make me feel so much better...

He hasn't told her that he has been with you for well over a year and that you two are living together? I find that very odd.. Does he give you a reason as to why she doesn't know about you? Do any of his other co-workers know about you?

 

Anyway, I highly doubt he's cheating on, sounds like fun and innocent banter at work, nothing more than an ego feed..Definately not something that is going to turn into an affair or a close friendship, especially since they don't talk/socialize outside of work.

 

I say, work on you, start writing out your fears, insecurities and ask yourself why you feel this way. Is it his behaviour? Is it something from your past? Or just fears of losing what you have with him.. To worry about stuff that is out of your control ruins what you have NOW.

 

Also, make plans to spend more time with him, go away somewhere nice and have FUN. Reconnect, make it romantic and show him how much you love him.. If you show how happy you are, show confidence, he will respond in a better way.. Being jealous and insecure is only going to ruin things, especially if he isn't doing anything (cheating) wrong.

[NomadNewlyweds]

I want to talk to him about my insecurities, but at the same time I don't because he's already stressed from work and I've been so insecure in the past - it's just so old.

 

I'm just going to ask him if he ever feel insecure like I do. I'm going to tell him it feels kind of awkward for him to be talking to another girl like that that isn't family but it isn't his fault at all, I'm just being honest.

 

thats good to be honest with him. if it's something that you can't get over then you have to talk to him about it. if you cant get over then you dont have to talk to him about it. either way it has to be dealt with. get your problems out in the open and deal with them in a healthy manner.

[akina4777]

He hasn't told her that he has been with you for well over a year and that you two are living together? I find that very odd.. Does he give you a reason as to why she doesn't know about you? Do any of his other co-workers know about you?

 

Anyway, I highly doubt he's cheating on, sounds like fun and innocent banter at work, nothing more than an ego feed..Definately not something that is going to turn into an affair or a close friendship, especially since they don't talk/socialize outside of work.

 

I say, work on you, start writing out your fears, insecurities and ask yourself why you feel this way. Is it his behaviour? Is it something from your past? Or just fears of losing what you have with him.. To worry about stuff that is out of your control ruins what you have NOW.

 

Also, make plans to spend more time with him, go away somewhere nice and have FUN. Reconnect, make it romantic and show him how much you love him.. If you show how happy you are, show confidence, he will respond in a better way.. Being jealous and insecure is only going to ruin things, especially if he isn't doing anything (cheating) wrong.

 

Well I don't KNOW if he's mentioned me at work, but if he hasn't I sure want her to know. Since my mom is a manager at where he works, alot of her friends who are "higher ups" know that we're together and he lives with me. I don't know if he's mentioned me himself though. I don't see how he couldn't when our lives revolve around eachother.

 

It still bothers me that he talks to her, but I think that's just my own insecurity. I don't want to pin all my problems on him as well as his stress from work, so I'm just trying to keep it to myself.

 

When he got home from work yesterday (he's off the next 2 days) I planned a surprise for him. He used to always want me to sing for him and I only did it on his birthdays and Christmas, but I decided to sing for him yesterday evening too. He snuggled up in my arms and he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen - I broke into tears before I could even start the song! He had this wonderful smile on his face the whole time and for a while afterwards... Needless to say it made me feel alot better.

 

It does sound like harmless chit chat at work, but I still can't help but occasionally think I'm doing something wrong because he's talking to her.