Love And Marriage

[nycelodean]

Do love and marriage really go together like a horse and carriage?

 

Would it mean that a man not wanting to marry a woman doesn't love her, or doesn't lov/er enough?

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Do love and marriage really go together like a horse and carriage?"

 

Not even close. Love should only play a very small, albeit a very significant part, in the decision to marry someone. You can love someone with all your heart who can be the VERY wrong person for you in the long haul. Love is only the chemical component of a very complex human bond.

 

Love is certainly a factor in the decision to marry...but the following must be considered in order for a marriage to have the best chances for survival. There must be:

 

1. Caring, committment (as important as love), and communication.

 

2. Shared interests and philosophies.

 

3. Shared views about children, how many to have, how to raise them, etc.

 

4. Shared views about money...how to save, spend, provide for retirement...money management in general (extremely important)

 

5. Shared views about religion or spiritual values or deep respect for each others personal beliefs in this area.

 

6. A forgiving spirit.

 

7. Open mindedness.

 

8. An ability to laugh at oneself and life...a good sense of humor.

 

9. Patience and tolerance.

 

10. The ability to not freak out when expectations are not fully met.

 

11. Sexual compatiblity (within mutual acceptability)

 

12. The ability to accept the evolution and growth of the partner over time.

 

13. Flexibility in thinking.

 

14. Concern over one's appearancel, particularly as aging takes place.

 

There are other things on the list but I think I have hit on most of the important ones. Disagreements over many of the above, which many often don't discuss at all prior to marriage, can kill a marriage very quickly.,

 

So you've got to have a LOT more than love to make a marriage work or that love will die on the vine real quickly. More than half the people in the US who get married believe love will take them to the finish line and they end up getting divorced.

 

There's a LOT more to marriage than love. And there are a lot of horses that are totally incompatible with the carriages they are asked to pull.

 

YOU ALSO ASK: "Would it mean that a man not wanting to marry a woman doesn't love her, or doesn't lov/er enough?"

 

It could mean that...but most of the time men recognize that no matter how much they love a woman, other factors preclude ultimate happiness in a union. It takes a great deal more love to set the beloved free than it does to tie them up in a bad marriage. A man who sets a loved one free is truly looking out for her welfare...and, at the same time, his own.

[nycelodean]

Thanks for your prompt reply. Since you were so good at your response, maybe you can help me out with this one:

 

The man I'm speaking of is 60's and I'm mid 30's. We started talking when I was 19, and he seemed to want to marry me then and but doesn't now. The bizarre part is we only met last year and a half ago, and the first meeting was magical (in his words), and he wanted to live together, which we did until I moved out.

 

If he thinks 18 is a good age to have children, does it sound as if he thinks I'm too old to have kids (the way he thinks he himself is)?

 

He seems to want to keep me for himself for as long as possible without having to commit.

 

 

I need help with this miserable situation.

[Tony T]

Screw him. A man in his 60's is too old to be having kids. You shouldn't want to have a child who is 10 and wants to play ball and dad is 75 years old. Give it up!!!

 

What this selfish baxtard wants is to keep you around as long as possible until he croaks...and leave you holding the bag with insecurity and lack of direction. He has nothing whatsoever to offer you at this time unless....

 

If he agrees to put $500,000 in escrow which you would receive upon his death, then you could dedicate your life to him...and even have some kids. But I don't think he'll do it.

 

It's my best guess that there are a lot of dynamics going on here. First, he's scared to commit. He's probably gone much of his life falling for younger gals and keeping them around as long as he could string them along. Second, he may have assets which at his age he doesn't want to lose to a newcomer. Third, as long as you stick around him he has absolutely no need to commit to you in any way.

 

This guy's an awful dead end for you (pardon the pun) in many ways. There is little you could have in common with him but check the list I have previously provided for you to be sure.

 

You're not getting any younger. Go find a guy who will want to share and spend the rest of his life loving you and providing a nice future for you.

[nycelodean]

Thanks so much for your feedback. It's right on the mark, as much as I hate to admit it. This man is the love of my life, and saying goodbye is painful.

 

Cynthia

[nycelodean]

I'm not sure what the expression, "not getting any younger" means. Noone is getting younger!

[nycelodean]

Tony

 

Your responses to posters are well thought out and helpful, and I really appreciate your input.

 

Was wondering, howeover, about your "you're not getting any younger" comment.

 

If you meant I was running out of time, within the context of finding someone, I'd agree.

 

But if you meant it strictly in terms of my age, I'd have to say that I'm annoyed.

 

Ever since getting into my mid 30's I've noticed people's attitude in general about women in this age range, that I never experienced in my early 30's.

 

It doesn't matter that people think that I look ten to fifteen years younger; once a select few hear my age, it's a certain reaction.

 

I find this very discouraging and not at all accurate. People who think I'm the exception to the rule of how women look at my age, are wrong. Aging and disease are an accumulation of lack of self care and ill health. I would like to argue that women my age, which include the gorgeous (and yes, I'm beautiful too)Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman, Faith Hill, and more, should be considered the standard and not the exception.

 

 

Cynthia

[quankanne]

call me quirky, but I never really thought those "attractive" people who are in their late teens to 20s are all that good looking, because most people start looking better as they age (men AND women). Pretty is nice, but how often to you run into those same people after life has had a few rounds with them and then notice that they just weren't as good looking as you thought they were ten years ago, and the folks that were just average back then seem to be more attractive as they've aged? Maybe because age adds character to their features, i.e., laugh-lines around their mouths and eyes, etc.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "But if you meant it strictly in terms of my age, I'd have to say that I'm annoyed."

 

You cannot argue with the validity of the statement "You are not getting any younger." It is a statement of scientific fact.

 

When I use that statement, I use it in a broad way to indicate that time moves on for everyone. Opportunities that we get at certain ages can evaporate. If you don't realize that now, print this out because you will see its truth in later years.

 

It is important to do what we need to do NOW, not to put things off. We must take definitive action now in our relationships, in our business lives, in whatever our plans may be and in whatever human endeavors we may entertain.

 

Youth is here only for a short time. Regret can last a lifetime.

 

As an aside, neither myself nor my words have the power to annoy you. Only you can do that yourself. I URGE YOU with every bit of energy in my body to use this day to make yourself happy, not to upset yourself about what anybody says, writes or does, and to use each precious moment as wisely as possible...and I will do the same.

 

We may never pass this way again.

[nycelodean]

I know that it's on me to be annoyed, that's why I said I'M annoyed, not YOU annoy me.

 

And there was a qualifyer to my being annoyed: I said IF you meant this, then I would like to respond.

 

But obviously, you meant otherwise.

 

And I mentioned that I very much appreciate your input.

 

:-)

Cynthia

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by nycelodean

Ever since getting into my mid 30's I've noticed people's attitude in general about women in this age range, that I never experienced in my early 30's.

 

It doesn't matter that people think that I look ten to fifteen years younger; once a select few hear my age, it's a certain reaction.

 

Awe, Cynthia -- wait 'till you get to be MY age! I still think and feel like a 20 year old, and I don't look my age either, but once people know how old I am it's as if my feelings, needs, desires, and dreams no longer exist. It's like "what business does a woman YOUR AGE have even thinking about something like . . ." As we age, we become "disposable" -- deemed less valuable because we no long make the same contributions we once did maybe. At least that's how it seems. The first time I had a boss younger than me was a little uncomfortable. We inherited each other -- he would not have hired me. He couldn't handle it and invented an excuse to transfer me and hire a younger woman.

 

I find this very discouraging and not at all accurate. People who think I'm the exception to the rule of how women look at my age, are wrong. Aging and disease are an accumulation of lack of self care and ill health.

 

It has as much, or more to do with genetics -- not lack of self care.

 

I would like to argue that women my age, which include the gorgeous (and yes, I'm beautiful too)Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman, Faith Hill, and more, should be considered the standard and not the exception.

 

[color=blue]Oh, to be in my 30's again, and know what I know now. [/color]

[witchbreed]

First of all, I am 40. Looking younger too, btw.

 

Funny enough I have never had the experience you are talking about. Since I feel young and happy, people take me as young and happy.

 

I will always remember what my granny used to say about beauty: Being beautiful at 20 is a gift of god, being beautiful at 40 is character!

 

This counts for men and women. Laughter lines are beautiful!

 

My bf and I are togehter since 2 1/2 years and we know each other since 3 years. I have seen pictures of him when he was younger (he is 41) and he has seen pictures of me when I was younger. All in all we both think that we are both more attractive now, then we was in our 20ies. Sure I didnt have stretch marks from pregnancies (I have 3 kids), but since I am happy now, with myself and my relationsship, I am more beautiful now or say at least more attractive.

 

But going back to your first question. I would get out of this relationsship. Seems to me, he was OK with you when you was an inexperienced young girl, he could have molded after his wishes.

 

You are young, you havent yet reached the middle of your life. You can find the right mate, have kids or whatever it is you really want from life.

 

Personally I believe it to be more sensible to have a partner of a similar age - a couple years older or younger does not matter. Specially since women tend to get older, imagine having kids with your current bf, you would end up raising the kids as a widow or have a big chance of that. Or even worse, in 10 years time, he might need taking care of (stroke whatever) and the kids are still small and in need of care too.

 

You are at a perfect age to find happiness. You know who your are and what you want, might take longer to find the perfect mate in our ages, but when we do, the chance of really making it work are lots better.

 

All the best.

[Ally Boo]

You mean to tell me relationships are still confusing at 40?!?

 

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[nycelodean]

Just wanted to say thank you to HokeyReligion and Witchbreed, for your feedback and support.

 

:-)

Cynthia