Jump to content

Friend getting married


Recommended Posts

Hello all. I have posted here before and all of you give great advice. To give you an update on my life...I am finally over the loser and have met a wonderful man who is everything I have ever wanted.

 

But now, I need advice regarding a friend. Some background...She is 37 years old, divorced since 1994 and has an 11 year old son. She was single for over 3 years and she met her current boyfriend in July 2002. I have met him and he is a very nice guy...from what I have seen.

 

He asked her to marry him and she accepted. She has asked me to be a bridesmaid and of course, I accepted. Here in lies the problem, all she talks about is getting married. I know that it is a very exciting day for anyone but it is 7 months away and this is her second marriage. She is so infatuated with the idea of being married that she is missing some major red flags.

 

First of all, her fiance's family does not like her. Her fiance gave his family a lot of money to help with bills before he met her. She put an end to that so they can save for their future and now the family despises her. I can see her point, but I don't think it's her call to decide how he spends his money.

 

As a result of the family not liking her, things came to a head a week ago. There was a big blowout and her fiance became irate. He threatened to kill his mother and he was throwing stuff and hitting walls. He was fined by the police for the threat. Now, I have survived an abusive relationship, so I know the signs. This is a HUGE red flag to me and I don't know what to do.

 

Should I say something? How do I go about it? I don't think she wants to see it...she's not looking at a Friday night date here...she is looking at marriage.

 

Please help, I really care about her and I don't want her to go through an abusive relationship.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's clear that you care about your friend. However, if she is so gung ho on getting married to this guy, be prepared for her to respond negatively to any criticism you may make.

 

My recommendation is to just bring things up casually to get her thinking about these things. Don't be negative or agressive, just ask her questions to help her think things through.

 

A lot of the times people have gut feelings about stuff like this but ignore their gut. Get her to start paying attention to what her gut is saying.

 

If she still doesn't get it, there's not much you can do besides let her make her own mistakes and then be there for her when the !@#! hits the fan.

 

Good luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites
HokeyReligions

Why don't you send her your post? If you are not in front of her, she may take the time to read the post and understand that you care about her and her wellbeing. There is no chance of her interrupting you and not listening.

 

You might want to add that you want it to work out for her and that you hope it does and that you will be there for her IF she encounters problems - large or small.

 

As for her excitement over the wedding - well, why not? If it makes her feel young and act young then I think it's great.

 

Of course, I may be a bit prejudiced - I never had a wedding (I worked the morning of my wedding and took the afternoon off to go to the JP) We had a small "reception" at our apartment after and a few relatives showed up. Thankfully they gave us cash for a wedding present and we were able to order pizza to feed them!

 

Now I am actually planning my wedding. My husband asked me if I would like a "real" wedding on our 25th anniversary. A nice dressy wedding dress (not a formal, flouncy gown, but a nice semi-formal dress & him in a good suit), flowers (I didn't have ANY flowers when I got married) an actual wedding ceremony AND a small reception in the banquet room at a nice hotel. There will probably be 100 people there and we are going to have a DJ - the whole bit.

 

It's a little ways off, but we are saving for it now and planning it. Whether life comes along and screws up the budget for this shindig is a whole 'nuther matter! But it's fun to plan - I never got to do this before.

 

 

Anyway, back to your friend. All you can really do is be supportive of her. It scares me that he is so violent - I hope she sees it before its too late.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

about your concerns is a good idea. She may be more receptive, and be less likely to jump right back at you with a defense. If you have survived an abusive relationship and you know what it was like to endure such things, you really can't step back and let this friend go through the same, if you really care about her. Don't worry about what she'll think of you or how much she'll protest, tell her about your concerns anyway. Even if she does go through with the wedding and ends up with a black eye someday, she will know that you tried to warn her. That would be better than you telling her you had concerns but didn't say anything because you didn't want to spoil her happiness.

 

So my advice would be don't wait. Talk to her or write to her now. Her safety and long term happiness is more important than her euphoria of getting married again.

Link to post
Share on other sites

What an akward position you are in. It's your duty, as her friend, to support her decision to marry this man. However, it is even moreso your duty to tell her when you think she is walking on dangerous ground.

 

Lets face it, when you tell her, she's most likely going to react negatively. The chance is there, that she will give herself a chance to hear everything and let it sink in later. It's that chance that you have to keep in mind, to make a decision about talking to her.

 

I think any of the above ideas are great. Everyone seems to think that the written word may go over better. It would probably go over better for me, just bc it would give you a chance to think it out and word it just right.

 

But keep in mind, that she quite possibly will tell her fiance about you questioning his temper. And it might cause some more problems.

 

Eitherway, in my opinion, this is a test of a friendship. If you truly care about her as a friend, you have no choice but to tell her. And if she reacts negatively, and, in the worst case, decides to cut you off, you'll know you did the right thing in the end.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...