Ugly friends - We like to live in denial.

[twistedgreen]

I hate to say this, in fact we all hate to say it or hear it, but it is a truth that is often ignored and with reprecussions:

 

When we choose friends of the opposite sex (us females, anyhow), it is often because, while we find something absolutely great about this person, be it their personality, intellect, ambition or what have you, we do not find them sexually attractive. At one point, the "friend" auditioned for a "preferred" job in which sexuality was involved. (even though, they probably knew they didn't have the physical "qualifications") But you looked at his/her resume and said "no, frankly you're not right for that position. But you'd be perfect as managing director of sporting goods..." Well, you get the picture. I don't want to have sex with you, but I want your good qualities in my life! Of course, you could never tell your friend that you don't think he's attractive, could you?

 

The result? displaced bitterness. He didn't get the job he wanted. And we didn't tell him outright, why. We didn't say "it's because your nose looks like a spoiled potato (that would be mean, and also "SHALLOW") ," we probably said something more like "oh, I'm just not ready for a relationship," or "I just don't see you that way," or "let's not ruin the friendship" (He thinks: RUIN the FRIENDSHIP? I wasn't even RUNNING for the friend-position...now she's telling me not to jeapordize it by trying to run for the position I originally intended to apply for??)

 

He blames: his niceness. Yes, he is too nice. He is just a nice guy and girls don't want to sleep with nice guys. That must be it, and it has nothing to do with his nose (he tries not to think too much about his nose, and avoids looking at his profile, but he's sure it didn't play a factor.) Yes, if only he had acted more like a jerk, THEN he would have gotten the job.

 

(Female rolls her eyes and thinks about a big potato-nosed jerk and where she would dropkick the s.o.b., first.)

 

I know it's popular to dismiss acknowledgement that we are all affected by the way each other look, whether we like it or not, as simple "shallowness" which we can all just easily "get over" if we are just big-minded enough. If we deny that we are affected by it, over and over and over again, maybe it will be true! Well, it hasn't worked for me.

 

You're my friend because I like you and you have qualities I admire and respect, and I care a lot about you. However, for one reason or another my genetic makeup does not find your visual appearance sexually stimulating, and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing. It has nothing to do with how "nice" you are, what time of life you caught me in, or the fact that you wore a red sweater instead of your favorite blue shirt that day, only to do with how much I have to lie to you about how I happen to percieve your looks, sexually, in order for your feelings not to be hurt.

 

 

Of course, whenever I get this message from a guy I think is a cutey, it sure STINKS!!

 

I love the bunny.

[yes]

Interesting observations.

 

I also find that often, our friends are people we cannot see as a romantic partner because one of their aspects is just not acceptable.

 

But I think you're wrong to limit it to sexual attraction - some of my guy-friends have been put in the friends category this way because they're playerish, for e.g. It could also be that they work a crappy job & have no ambitions, or that they travel way too often.

 

An alternative story is somebody who doesn't satisfy you in the way of personality becoming a friend with benefits. But it's similar to above - you sleep with them, but you still reject them as a romantic partner.

 

Just some thoughts,

-yes

[Tony T]

You've made some excellent points, perfect metaphors and I think you've hit the nail right on the head in some ways.

 

I absolutely agree with you that not only is sexual attraction important to a romantic relationship but it is absolutely essential. The problem is when a female takes on a new "buddy" who cares about her in a romantic way, I think that's cruel and selfish. Even if the female makes it very clear that she's not interested in any more than friendship, the guy is always holding out hopes for more. The same goes the other way around.

 

I disagree that the nice-guy complaint is invalid. Perhaps females would be more apt to overlook the nice-guy thing if the guy is very attractive otherwise but even then, most women simply are not attracted to a guy who goes too goo-goo gah-gah over them way too soon. No woman wants a guy who is sickenly accomodating and giving from the start.

 

Yes, there are a lot of people who have great admiration for member of the opposite sex and even try to force themselves in their heads to have romantic feelings for them. But if the chemistry and attraction is not there, it will never work.

 

People get pissed as hell when I talk about overweightness or other physical things. Most men and women consider fat to be unattractive when picking a partner and it's just that cut a dried. Of course, people who are overweight who don't want to diet will go very far to quash my position.

 

Physical attraction is just as important to romance as a nice personality, kindness, generosity....etc.

 

I will say that for some women under some circumstances, every $10,000 a guy has in the bank will excuse each pound he happens to be overweight or each degree he is ugly. I don't care what anybody says, money can be very attractive to some ladies and the more money a guy has...the sexier he can look to her (for real). It's all in the mind.

 

Females, deep down and instinctively, are looking for sperm and security....at least at the points they haven't found one or both yet.

 

Everything depends on the variables....the female...the male...their ages....the money...etc.

 

I will also say that attractiveness can change over time. A female can find a male unattractive initially but may find him more and more attractive as time goes on with money not being a factor. Same goes the other way around.

[HokeyReligions]

How creative of you.

 

I disagree with you, but your post was a creative and different way of looking at why some people are/remain friends, while others evolve or start with a romantic or sexual relationship.