Harmless fantasy, or a form of cheating?

[tigressA]

I have a best friend who used to have a FWB a few years ago and they still talk. She told me recently that in their conversations, he will frequently reminisce about the things they did together in bed and come up with other scenarios. She was embarrassed to say much about it but I gathered that what he's been saying is quite explicit, that he gets turned on by it, and that it's been going on for at least a year. This guy has a girlfriend and my friend told me he rationalizes his conversations with my friend as mere fantasy, like porn--he doesn't see anything inappropriate about it. I told her that if she was uncomfortable she needed to tell him to stop, and if he didn't then he wasn't a friend.

 

I'm wondering about his rationalization. Is recounting sexual escapades and fantasies with an ex--TO their ex--a form of cheating when they're involved with someone else? Or can it really be rationalized as harmless fantasy, a form of porn?

[seibert253]

First; Porn is not a harmless form of fantasy. Many lives and marriages have been destroyed by addiction to pornography.

Second; Any form of sexual conversation between another and someone who is not their spouse or significate other, without the knowledge and consent of that spouse or significant other, is wrong. It's an emotional affair.

[Stung]

Porn discussion aside, yeah, I think it's a form of cheating and highly questionable behavior at best.

 

Personal anecdote: I have an ex-bf who I remained friends with for years, who became an occasional FWB at times when we were both single. He moved far away, and began initiating similar phone conversations with me. When both of us were single, it was harmless, but even then it wasn't JUST fantasy, it was a continuation of a sexual and emotional component of our former romantic relationship.

 

When I became involved with my partner, it stopped IMMEDIATELY; I told my ex that any boundary-crossing conversation had to end completely and for good, and I made it totally clear to my partner that any flirtation with my ex was over forever because my partner meant more to me in every way. I love and respect my partner, which means I care about his feelings. Why would I do anything that might make him justifiably feel hurt or uncomfortable? Sure, it was "just talk", but if he were talking to some other girl like that I would hate it.

 

And I'm pretty sure the girlfriend of the guy in question would hate it, too, and feel disrespected and betrayed. Isn't that what really makes it cheating?

[mental_traveller]

Well, how would he feel if his gf was talking dirty with some of her exes? I doubt he'd be cool with it. So yeah, it's out of order. It's not actual cheating but it is definitely wrong.