Waiting....

[Bill]

Would you wait 1.5 yrs for your soul mate?

 

I have waited 6 months so far for this girl. There is much reason to why we have to wait, but it is too long of a story to type up, and it is ever changing. The last time we talked was this morning. Normal contact between us is limited, but we talk for extended periods of time when we actually can contact each other. When we were able to see each other, it was very great. I really enjoyed being with this girl and the time we spent together was great. I don't know how to describe it, but I knew she was the one.

 

There had been girls in the past, but I did not have feelings for them like this.

 

Now we cannot see each other, and contact is limited. However, she mentioned that no matter what happened that she would wait for me.

 

It's been 6 months now since the waiting began, and she is still waiting. I have also been waiting, but have been pondering the question all along. Friends have tried to convince me in all different directions. Some friends tell me I should forget about her and date other girls around here. A few other friends say I should stay with this girl that is waiting, because the relationship was great between us.

 

I'm always indecisive about everything... I just need some advice on what you think maybe I should do or consider. I have checked with sources, and I'm postive that this girl is waiting and everything checks out that she tells me.

 

I just want to make sure that I'm doing the right thing. I know that if 1.5 yrs past and we got back together that it would be great. I do love this girl very much.

 

What do you think?

[Tony T]

If I was absolutely convinced that a person was my soulmate, I would wait five, ten, twenty years or more. Some people go their entire lives....MOST people go their entire lives...without meeting what would be considered a soulmate.

 

However, a lot can change in 1.5 years. People change, ideas change, the whole range of behaviors goes through many modifications. But that doesn't mean you can't adapt to the person.

 

I'd say have fun, go about your normal business, and if you have the greatest feeling that this is the lady you want to spend the rest of your life with on this planet, by all means wait.

 

If, on the other hand, this lady is just somebody you'd like to date or get to know better, forget it. There are way too many wonderful women out there to take up a year and a half to wait for just one of them who may not be so special.

[butterflyz]

when she said she would wait? have things changed? when she said that did she know you that well? has she seen you in a new and different light?

 

i thought i would wait for someone special and he turned out to be a toad. there's nothing he could or can do to change my perception at this point, so i hope he's not waiting.

[yes]

I think it's healthy to date other people, and let her do the same, until the two of you can be together. If she's the ONE, all the other gals you date won't get very far. At the same time, you won't be sitting still.

 

I guess the main thing here is WHY you have to wait that long. Without knowing that, it's hard to say what i'd do if i were you.

 

-yes

[Bill]

Posted by butterflyz when she said she would wait? have things changed? when she said that did she know you that well? has she seen you in a new and different light?

 

She said she would wait 6 months ago. She is still waiting.... as I talked to her this morning. Things haven't changed.

 

And I did date this girl for a while... we had a very great relationship, and that is why I was so sad to see it (almost) end. We knew about each other very well. We saw each other's flaws, we talked about our thougthts, and we helped each other out.

 

We see each other just as we saw each other the last time we went out. There's no painting of something that isn't there.

[butterflyz]

since we don't know why you are waiting, it's hard to reply to your post.

 

i used to believe in waiting. i don't anymore. but i have never had a lasting positive love relationship. so i'm probably not the right person to respond to your post....sorry.

[Bill]

Posted by yes I think it's healthy to date other people, and let her do the same, until the two of you can be together

 

I do not think I could date other people. I'd just end up breaking up with them as soon as "the date" comes around where my significant other and I can get back together. I could not hurt someone else like others have hurt me.

 

If you love something set it free

If it comes back to you it’s yours

If it doesn’t it was never meant to be

[butterflyz]

that's how i feel right now. i'm not at a point to date anyone, i'm too messed up. any attempt wouldn't make it. i know i need to do this for me, being alone.

 

i can't even stand to be touched by anyone anymore. i used to be a very affectionate person.

 

so sometimes, things change, we change and we can't stop the wheel from turning. and then, waiting becomes an exercise in futility.

[Bill]

ok...

 

The story started back in the Spring of 2002.

We met each other in a online dating service thing. She asked how old I was, I told her 19. I asked her age, she told me 18. And we discussed other things from there. I find it easier to communicate through IM. After talking for a while, we decided that we should see each other.

 

We met and had a great time. We went out for a while then came back and talked for a long time. We then dated for a couple months. I would go over her house for some dates and she would come to mine for others. (we live like 30 minutes apart) One night my mom questioned me about the girl and her parents. My mom decided to call the girl's mother and talk... just to see what they were like. She said she wanted to know her parents.

 

I came home that night and my mom was at the door. She told me that the girl was not 18, but infact 16. I called the girl's house and talked to her mother for an hour trying to see what went wrong. I asked her mother if I could come over and talk to the girl about the situation, she said ok. I came over that night and the girl was upset after finding out why I showed up out of no where. I told her that I knew now how old she was. She explained to me that she tells all of her friends that she is that age (I checked that out to be true). She told me that I would have never given her a chance if she told me her real age. I forgave her.

 

She said that everything else she told me was true. We talked for a few more days on the phone. I got a call from her mother saying that she is not comfortable with her and I going out as the girl is not 18 and because we met online.

 

Now the girl has asked if I would wait until she turned 18. It has been 6 months now of waiting and she is still waiting. I have not dated anyone else either, and I have been waiting.

 

I have told her that I do not trust her yet, but the only reason that I am waiting is because I did really love her. She accepts this and is willing to wait. We keep in contact just by computer, or sometimes phone, as we cannot be seen as "together".

[clia]

Bill,

 

You did not date this girl for "a while." You dated her for TWO months. That is not nearly enough time to see all the faults and personality. She lied to you extensively. I just...eek. Girls change a lot between 16 and 18, and even more between 18-22. People change.

 

I already replied to this thread when you first posted it months ago, and my feelings haven't changed. I think you are nuts to wait a year and a half to "see" what happens with this. I think you should be out dating other girls. If, in 1.5 years, you are still thinking about this girl, that's the time to pursue it. If it's truly meant to be, it'll happen, no matter what you do now. You are wasting your time to think and worry about it now, when you can do nothing about it. You are young, and you have so much opportunity to meet great people. Nothing is lost if you go on a date with another girl. That doesn't mean you have to marry her. You can date people, have fun, and keep an open mind over the next 1.5 years. Who knows, you might meet someone you like even better than this girl?

 

And furthermore, have you built this up in your head now to the point that she's your "soul mate"? I don't recall you using that phrase when all of this was going down. Don't build up a fantasy girl in your head. Keep it real...

 

Good luck.

[Bill]

ok clia, how do I explain all of this to the girl.

I am thinking that I should put myself in a situation where I cannot be hurt. Maybe this, what you are saying, would be best.

 

Please help.

[yes]

Bill, you said:

put myself in a situation where I cannot be hurt

 

impossible, lemme warn you!

 

by the way, why are you sure that she's waiting? she lied once, she might be lying again. what would prevent her from dating guys her age, at her school or where-not?

 

-yes

[clia]

The only way to prevent yourself from being hurt is to stay in your house alone and never have contact with anyone ever again. Along with the ups of life, there are always downs. You always run the risk of getting hurt when you put your heart out there, but you have to keep doing it to get the reward.

 

I just don't want to see you put your life on hold for the next year and a half and then have things not work out with this girl. You will look back and be very angry and full of regret if that happens. And like yes said, you really don't know what she's doing now.

 

Like I said, I think you should keep an open mind about dating other girls. If you meet someone you like, go out with her. If your friends want to set you up with someone, give it a chance. Don't worry about what might happen 1.5 years from now. Just go out on a few dates and have fun. Going out on dates doesn't mean you are committed to a lifetime with the person.

 

Tell the girl that you are both too young to put your lives on hold at this point. If it's meant to be, you will be able to give things a shot in a year and a half. Having dated other people, you will both be in a better position to know what you want out of a partner.

[Ally Boo]

Yesterday, we had a play day at work. I rode over there with a co-worker I have known about 10 years. We had a very intresting conversation about life and love. He told me that when he was 21 he fell head over heels for this girl. This girl was his first love, they broke up for whatever reason, and his life went to hell for 5 years because he didn't want to move on. He literally thought his life was over. He said that 5 years after they broke up, he saw her in the mall, and his heart STILL jumped out of his chest. He has had 2 serious relationships since then, and is currently married. Now, it doesn't bother him at all. But he was telling me about how important it is to realize that you can get through anything.

 

The truth is, if you don't take any risks, you'll never get any benefits. Sometimes, just experience...even if it's heartbreak, is a benefit. Life is about living...not working, loving, shopping. It's about existing, and remembering that all the bull**** that has seeped into life, doesn't matter. What matters is the air that goes in and out of our lungs. What a great feeling that is.

 

I know I'm rambling, but my point is...you have to do what you feel in your gut. Stop listening to other people. I've learned that when you do things bc you get tired of people telling you the "right way," you end up being more unhappy. This is YOUR life, and you need to live it. Don't regret any decisions. Trust me, a year and a half is nothing compared to a lifetime.

 

We are young, so it's easy to think about time being so short. But when you look at a couple who has celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary....it makes you realize just how much time we can have!

 

Life isn't about getting married, having children, or even potty training a dog. It's about enjoying every experience YOU have. Not the norm, or the usual....YOU. And you wouldn't be the person you are meant to be, if you don't follow your gut.

 

Trust yourself to make the right decision. Trust yourself that you can be happy no matter what. And thank you friend's for their advice....but as long as you don't ask them their opinion, hopefully they won't give it. And if they do, just let it go in one ear and out another.

 

I hope this helps.

[butterflyz]

now i can see where your thoughts are.

 

well, she kind of started off on a bad note with lying about her age (a red flag).

 

your feelings are real. it doesn't matter whether it's two months or two years, you feel what you feel. love is relative.

 

if i were in your shoes, i probably wouldn't wait. at 18 she'll go off to college and then date others there.

 

if you can, date others. if not, then process your feelings for her. it's likely she won't wait. but, stranger things have been known to happen. you do what makes you happy.

 

for me, not dating makes me happy right now. dating involves risks. and i'm not in a position to take any right now, maybe within a year i'll feel differently. and hopefully i'll make a better choice than the one i made prior.

[Just A Girl2]

So you want to wait for another 18 months. So you're going to spend all of the next 18 months, and all of those weekends, and evenings, alone.....without someone to hug, hold, DO THINGS WITH, go places with, etc. ??? Sorry but that's simply not healthy. What you and her have now, I'm afraid to say, is not a relationship. Talking on the phone here and there, and chatting on the computer is not a relationship.

 

You deserve someone who's totally truthful with you. She started things out with a huge fat lie. What else does she lie about? DO you think she spends every weekend sitting at home knitting? I doubt it. She's 16. She's likely out all the time with friends, meeting all kinds of people, having fun. And you're going to sit there like a bump on a log, alone, and miserable, all the while, waiting? DOn't do it !

 

Why rob yourself of enjoying your life? Why rob yourself of the opportunity to have a normal, healthy relationship with someone you can date and spend time with, IN PERSON? Go to functions together, go to dinner or the movies together.....invite over for family dinners, make plans with, go dancing with, etc.

 

Don't be a martyr here. It's simply not healthy or reasonable or realistic for you to sit around for 18 months, in hopes that she'll still be there for you when the time is up....... and really, you don't even know her (in person) all that well. Had you had the opportunity to really continue dating her, for all you know, you may have realized that you weren't a very good match...... Yes, she may seem like the 'perfect girl' whenyou talk on the phone or chat on the computer.......but this doesn't give you a realistic and accurate glimpse as to how you'd do as a couple. Things are always nice and peachy on the phone/ on IM.

 

What bothers me, too....is when she told you that she ALSO lies to her friends and tells them that she's 18 (and you say you know that to be true). Why the heck would someone lie to their friends? Hmm..can we say compulsive liar? SO she lies to her friends, and she lied to you. What does that say about the level of honesty and integrity she possesses? Does this really sound like someone you can trust......enough to wait 1.5 yrs for?

 

I encourage you NOT to wait. You don't know enough about her to call her your soul mate. Sorry, but I don't think a 16 yr old and a 19 yr old can possibly know who their soul mate is. Neither of you have lived long enough to know this kind of thing, and I mean no offense. In order to know you've found your soul mate, you really need to have dated a lot of other people..and been in a lot of serious relationships.........for comparison.

[bebop]

If you both promised eachother to wait, and she is waiting, her behaviour hasn't changed, and your feelings haven't changed, why are you considering not waiting? Unless you don't want to wait anymore.

 

People who truly love eachother and want to be with eachother would wait, no matter what.

[Bill]

First of all, I'm 20 now ( it has been 6 months). I've been in 2 previous serious relationships. One of those serious ones lasting for 2 years.

 

To tell me that I don't know what love is, that is just not right. I only see this girl as I remember her in person. The only reason why I consider going out with others is because I don't want to be caught in a lie. I have told this girl that I cannot fully trust her, that she did break my trust back on that day. She knows this, and has accepted it.

 

I was curious one time and found out from one of her friends the screen name of one of this girl's new friends. I messaged her new friend, without revealing who I was, and asked if she knew the girl. I asked a few questions, then asked if the girl had a boyfriend. She said yes, that her friend's boyfriend was named Bill, and she had been with him for 6 months.

 

I am seriously confused at everything here. I have people helping me in all different paths, but I am not sure of which one to take.

 

I am also very sad about the fact that I will have to be alone for a long time. I knew how hard it was to meet girls with how I am. No one understands why it is so hard for me. I cannot just walk up to someone, or start talking to someone.

 

I WISH I knew what to do. I just can't make any decisions. I do not know why I am like this now, so unsure.