confused

[sweetgirl079]

I have a query. I was in love with this man, but unfortunately he didnt care for me in that way. We broke up and the very next day he started going out with another girl. 2 weeks later he asked her to marry him, and now only a month after he met and started going out with her, he is married to her.

 

Is it possible to "know" that quickly if you love someone so much that you want to be with that person for the rest of your life. I mean, he doesnt even know this girl. He keeps ringing me, telling me all the details of how much he loves her, and how devestated he would be if she left him blah blah blah - which I really do not need to know as I still love him (though god knows why). I have tried to get on with my life ie seeing other people, but it just feels so wrong (and I dont want to do to others what has been done to me....) please help me.....

[Tony T]

It's not possible to fall in love with someone in a very short time, but it is possible to fall in like and lust, the combination of which mimics love.

 

Whether you've known somebody two weeks or two decades, marriage is still a gamble. There are many people who knew each other a very short time, got married, and remained married 50 years or more. There are also many who dated two or three years, married, and divorced within months. There is no mathematical or magic formula to predict with pinpoint accuracy the success of a relationship.

 

For the most part, I think it's best to act in an abundance of caution and get to know the person you're going to marry much more than you can know them in two weeks.

 

It's likely that both your ex and his wife were in a weird psychological state at the time they met. That, coupled with some serious chemistry, neediness, and the fact that both seemed to meet the profile of their ideal mate probably combined to make this a quicky marriage.

 

I have found that timing is an overpowering factor in what people do in romance. Perhaps in this situation, the timing was absolutely perfect...for whatever insanity or dynamics were going on in the lives and in the minds of these two people.

 

While what they did may seem insane to you, and appear that way to most people, to them it was a very romantic moment and one they hope was the beginning of a lifetime of happiness.

 

Wish them the best and move on. Frankly, I think you were in love with a fruitcake...but that's my opinion.

[midori]

Yes, and why on earth is this guy telling you about his feelings for his wife? Why does he need to express them to you? Sounds rather sadistic. Even if you've agreed to be "just friends," he shouldn't be foisting the details of his relationship with his wife on you... and you shouldn't be pretending to be his friend, given that you still have feelings for him so that being in touch with him is painful for you. And also given that you seem to be hoping that this marriage was an ill-advised event that will soon unravel. That's not the right attitude for a friend to have!

 

He's made his bed, and I do think he sounds a little bit unbalanced, so if I were you I'd be glad I wasn't the one having to lie in that bed! Moreover, if I were you, I'd cut this one loose entirely. What are you getting out of your connection to him? Whatever benefits you think the "friendship" gives you can't possibly make up for the pain you're feeling, can it? As long as it pains you, why subject yourself to it?

 

If you're sticking around in the hope that sooner or later his marriage will end, and that then perhaps he'll realize that you two were meant for each other, I'd re-think that approach. If you've been hanging about as a "friend" for the duration of his marriage, you won't be able to help being contaminated by its meltdown (should it come to that). If he has to extricate himself, he'll want to make a clean start, which he won't be able to do with someone familiar with the in's & out's of his marriage. At best you'd be re-bound material.

 

Believe me, I know what you must be feeling about this. I posted about my ex-boyfriend last month (under 'transitioning: friends & lovers'). It sucks to be rejected, and even more painful to have the object of your affection fall for someone else in the blink of an eye. But there's no point in punishing yourself about it, and it sure sounds like your connection to this guy is a punishment. If you can't avoid him completely because of mutual friends or other links that you can't forego, just actively minimize your contact with him. You don't need anymore grief.

 

Good luck!

[HokeyReligions]

I firmly believe it is possible to know right away if someone is the right one for you. I met my husband when I was working in a mall (during college) and we met for coffee after work. I was sharing an apartment with my mother (she's one of my best friends!) and when I got home that night she asked me how the date was. I looked at her and said that if I ever got married it would be to him. That's the first time she ever heard me talk about marriage! Two years later we did get married and although we've had some rough times, our marriage is wonderful and secure and we've been together more years than I will admit!

 

But I agree with Tony & midori about everything else. This man hurt you and continues to hurt you and I think you need to tell him to go talk with his wife and leave you alone. Tell him you are not ready to be just friends with him and if he ever cared about you he should understand and respect that and bow out of your life.

 

A few years ago I hired a woman in her mid-20's as a receptionist. I really like her, she is bright and cheerful and smart -- did a good job and cought on quickly and was willing to take on new responsibilities and "seemed" very dependable. Everyone liked her. She had just moved back to Texas from Florida after a nasty divorce. One condition of hiring her was that she was slated to be in a wedding in three months and would need a few days off. That was doable for us -- it would just be unpaid time off for her.

 

Anyway... She went to California for a wedding and met a man. This man lives in Arizona and she fell head-over-heels for him. After a brief (2 - 3 months) long-distance romance she packed up and left for Arizona to get married. She moved in with him and a month or so later I got an email saying they had broken up. She stayed in Arizona at her job but came back to Texas for a wedding. Where she met a man and fell head-over-heels in love. Two weeks after meeting him, he flew to Arizona to be with her and they got married. She quit her job and moved back to Texas with him. I got a message a couple weeks after that she was looking for a job and would I give her a reference. Her message sounded a little sad and I said I hoped there wasn't trouble in paradise and she told me that the marriage didn't work out and she was living with her grandparents and looking for a job again.

 

She is a very nice and smart woman. Always optimistic and a hard worker. But in matters of the heart she always seems to make bad decisions.

 

I guess anything is possible, but I think you need to work on YOU and tell HIM to take his problems and his happiness to his wife where it now belongs. You'll find someone better suited for YOU!

[Ally Boo]

That's EXACTLY what I was about to say Midori

[Grand76]

I've dated a girl over the summer and I was in love with her almost from the get-go. We would see each other almost every day, when I told her I loved her, inside I was almost proposing marriage. The only reason it seems I didn't do the proposing openly, was because the cautious side of me was hitting the brakes constantly... How can one make a lifetime commitment based on a one-and-a-half month relationship, I thought... I never heard the "fall in like and lust" expression. Maybe it was that. But it definitely looked real then.

 

On the other hand, I realized I needed companionship and stability, the uncertainty of dating was not helping in getting there. She gave me what I needed when we were together.

 

So, to answer your question, I figure that it depends what one is after and what baggage one carries. You don't want to be a rebound-material for him. And if he's getting married like the girl HokeyReligions wrote about, you don't want to be marriage-material for him either. It may hurt now, but you'll find someone who'll appreciate you for who you are and will cherish the ground you walk on.