I MUST prevent myself from playing the victim!

[ameris]

I am in a desperate mood, here, hence this it when I am most susceptible to putting myslef in the "victim" mode with my boyfriend Motti. I am writing this post now to calm myself down, to do ANYTHING that will prevent me from calling him up and acting miserable and hurt which will only propel the downward cycle that used to happen only too often:

 

I would not be satisfied with how things were going, would get impacient, would be pushy, he would tell me he didn't like it when I got that way, he would say "see, you can't control your moods, this is the problem!" and then I would start crying and playing the perfect victim which would only make me feel worse afterwards. I did it thinking I would gain his sympathy, but it only pushed him away.

 

Things are going okay with him now, but not the way I want them to go. He is still unsure if we will be able to get along in the future without arguing, so I told him today that I would do everything possible not to start an arguement, and I added:

"I know you don't believe me now because it's too soon. The only thing I can do is to proof it to you with time and then you'll see for yourself."

 

Now in the past (last week) whenever he talked like (expressed doubts) this I would start to panic, get upset and cry. Even though I felt like doing it today SO much!! I had to pinch myself to stay calm and to talk in a "resonable" manner.

 

He said he was going out in the afternoon, and would try to call me later in the evening if he didn't get back too late. I wanted to ask him so much where he was going, what he was going to do, but I didn't because I told him I wouldn't investigate him. He's probably just going to visit some friends, probably something not very interesting, but after he told me this and we hung up I started to sob and I wanted so much to call him back and tell him how hurt I was, how this was making me feel so worried, but I didn't because I knew that if I did, I would be back at "square one".

 

I asked him if he threw my body shop soap away (he told me that he keeps my soap in the bathroom, but never uses it because he wants to be reminded of me) and his response was:

 

"Of course not! Do you think I don't desire you? Do you think that I don't want you here in my bed so we can do things for real? Every night before I go to sleep I stare at your pillow cases and I imagine you with me."

 

What technique is there for me to do so that I don't suddenly loose it again and act like the victim? Sometimes I want so much to return to that behavior pattern when he says certain things that bother me. WHat can I do to stay on top of things? I don't want to make the same mistakes over and over again and be a rotton looser!

Are there ways to "trick" him? Make him think I'm not so interested? I want him to come around again and to chase me!

How do I acheive this this time? I am really a wreck this time, a junkie, a real wreck, but I WON'T BE A LOOSER THIS TIME!

[butterflyz]

but when i feel like i'm going to behave like a dufus, i tell the man "i'm about to act like a dufus." it kind of defuses the situation. you can almost get a laugh from it.

 

you need to stop panicing about him not liking you. have you behaved this way with the men in your life prior to this bozo? some men bring out the worst in us. some men don't. some men affect us "zero".

 

it may be something simple like a control factor that he has over you. you are right, no more victim. so, how do you convince yourself that his opinion isn't life and death? try talking to other men. if you know any men you can confide in, it might be helpful. if not, then talk to a friend.

 

what is it exactly that you are being impatient about? the movement to marriage, living together? don't be impatient. enjoy the time you have to get to know this man and allow yourself time to determine whether YOU want him, not whether HE wants you.

[butterflyz]

there are no "tricks" to convince someone you don't want him so he can chase you. actions speak louder than words.

 

if you are TRUELY not interested then you tell him that you are not interested. if he chooses to not believe you, then it's his problem.

 

but you can't trick people, at least for very long. i can't stand to be manipulated. it is so insulting to my honesty and intelligence. yet, immature, insecure (albeit intelligent) people, do resort to tricks and manipulation because they are not confident of their position or about themselves.

 

the man has told you what he wants from you, he wants you to behave differently. if you reach out and ask him for help instead of trying to guess what he wants, then maybe he might work it through with you. you can't pretend to be someone you are not, so...maybe this is just not a good fit. but you need to talk to him about the situation.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by ameris

I am in a desperate mood, here, hence this it when I am most susceptible to putting myslef in the "victim" mode with my boyfriend Motti. I am writing this post now to calm myself down, to do ANYTHING that will prevent me from calling him up and acting miserable and hurt which will only propel the downward cycle that used to happen only too often: [/Quote]

 

Why are you desperate? What are you afraid of?

 

I would not be satisfied with how things were going, would get impacient, would be pushy, he would tell me he didn't like it when I got that way, he would say "see, you can't control your moods, this is the problem!" and then I would start crying and playing the perfect victim which would only make me feel worse afterwards. I did it thinking I would gain his sympathy, but it only pushed him away. [/Quote]

 

What would satisfy you? How do you want things to go? Did you two ever just sit and talk about where your relationship was headed? It's pretty common to discuss the future with your significant other. Did you make plans? Did you ask him where he wanted the relationship to go? And if he answered "I don't know I never thought about it" did you ask him to please think about it so that you two could talk about it because it is important to you? What do you mean you were "pushy" ? It makes me think that all you might have done is TELL him what you want and what you expect from him.

 

Things are going okay with him now, but not the way I want them to go. He is still unsure if we will be able to get along in the future without arguing, so I told him today that I would do everything possible not to start an arguement, and I added:

"I know you don't believe me now because it's too soon. The only thing I can do is to proof it to you with time and then you'll see for yourself." [/Quote]

 

It is soon and if you have been clingy and smothering in the past it may take a long time for him to get past this. And why should you be the only one working on the relationship? You said you would do everything possible, but what about him? Is he willing to put forth an effort to understand and help you achieve your goal? And, just because you don't call him now, don't you think he knows you are still fighting an inner battle? That is what needs work - not just the physical aspect of not calling him, but the emotional turmoil needs to stop too. Although, conquering the physical act of calling is a step in the right direction.

 

 

Now in the past (last week) whenever he talked like (expressed doubts) this I would start to panic, get upset and cry. Even though I felt like doing it today SO much!! I had to pinch myself to stay calm and to talk in a "resonable" manner.[/Quote]

 

This is normal to suddenly feel concerned or even afraid when you are confronted with the end of a relationship. But blind panic is different. I'm glad you are keeping control over it for your sake, not his. You might want to look at some websites about co-dependency and maybe see a counselor and doctor to help you.

 

He said he was going out in the afternoon, and would try to call me later in the evening if he didn't get back too late. I wanted to ask him so much where he was going, what he was going to do, but I didn't because I told him I wouldn't investigate him. He's probably just going to visit some friends, probably something not very interesting, but after he told me this and we hung up I started to sob and I wanted so much to call him back and tell him how hurt I was, how this was making me feel so worried, but I didn't because I knew that if I did, I would be back at "square one". [/Quote]

 

Why were you so worried? Do you not trust this man? Has he done anything to cause you to mistrust him? If he's cheated on you and you are afraid that he will again, then you both need counseling or you need to just break it up now. Why were you sobbing and hurt? Each of you have a right to your own lives apart from each other. If you expect someone's whole life to revolve around you only, you will have a very difficult time finding that someone and I'll lay money on it not being a happy relationship. We all need separate experiences and friends and conversations in our lives. What would we have to talk about and how would we grow if we didn't? If he's going out with friends, then why don't you go out with your own friends too.

 

I asked him if he threw my body shop soap away (he told me that he keeps my soap in the bathroom, but never uses it because he wants to be reminded of me) and his response was:

 

"Of course not! Do you think I don't desire you? Do you think that I don't want you here in my bed so we can do things for real? Every night before I go to sleep I stare at your pillow cases and I imagine you with me."[/Quote]

 

I don't get it. Were you accusing him when you asked if he threw it away? Were you angry when you asked? Or did you just say "hey, have you seen my soap? " and not make a big deal out of it. Men get tired of defending their every move to someone. Come to think of, probably most people get tired of defending their every move. This part also makes me think that maybe all he wants you for is sex anyway. Is that the case? If so, move on.

 

What technique is there for me to do so that I don't suddenly loose it again and act like the victim? Sometimes I want so much to return to that behavior pattern when he says certain things that bother me. WHat can I do to stay on top of things? I don't want to make the same mistakes over and over again and be a rotton looser! [/Quote]

 

Improve your communication. Reword/Repeat. Try listening to what he says, then repeating back in your own words. Ask him to do the same thing. This helps each of you know that 1) the other person is honestly listening, 2) they listen until they understand, 3) you know you understand what the other person is saying.

 

This works well in most relationships including work. It's not as easy as it sounds though. You can't be apologetic and you must stay focused. Don't be embarassed if you, or he, doesn't get it at first. Keep asking questions to clarify it until you are both sure you understand.

 

This is a very simplified Example:

Man: I'm tired of your mood swings

Woman: Do you mean you are frustrated because you can't read me like you used to?

Man: No, I mean I get angry and I'm tired of not knowing who I am dealing with.

Woman: So you never know how I may respond to something you say and you are afraid a fight might break out at any time?

Man: Yes, that's pretty much it.

 

Try this technique in all your conversations

 

to "trick" him? Make him think I'm not so interested? I want him to come around again and to chase me!

How do I acheive this this time? I am really a wreck this time, a junkie, a real wreck, but I WON'T BE A LOOSER THIS TIME!

 

Don't play tricks. The "chasing phase" fades in most relationships - it's just natural. If you are trying to recapture something from when you were first together, don't. A good relationship builds and grows and matures and there are more and better things that grow from familiarity. There is more depth. Don't look to the past, look to the future. If you can't build on the relationship and grow together or if there is so much fear, then maybe it's time to move on.

 

Try couples counseling to help improve your communications and work on your own self esteem and self confidence.