vent

[yes]

hi yet again, everybody!

 

i can't come up with any introduction, so lemme start right away.

 

i'm trying to break up with a guy i've been seeing. he was the first one i slept with, so it's a bit tough. i've made the decision myself, but i still have to bring into his reality, preferably gracefully. but this isn't the point.

 

the point is ... i look at the guys that i date... I don't LIKE them... i can be in love with them, attracted to them, but there's never been a guy that'd make me say "wow, he's this and this and this, and he's just really cool!" ... it's always "he's blah and blah, BUT i like him!" ... which is normal, i suppose, but ... I dunna. I dunna why I'm dating them at all. I dislike being single - I live a busy life being a student + 2 part-time jobs, and i really like having someone to take me out on weekends and generally worry about me now n then.

 

I had a good deal with the guy i'm breaking up with. He took me out, slept with me, wasn't posessive. But I can't stay with him, cuz im afraid of getting pregnant by him (he is NOT somebody i want long-term), my parents (i live at home) hate him b/c he's of a different race, a lot older, and mainly not "intellectual".

 

I just feel stupid in all this. I don't feel like breaking up, but i know i should.

 

I just don't know why i date and what I want from them.

I know they want fun, support, care, conversation.

I suppose I was the same things... but... i know - i just haven't met the right person yet.

 

but there's more to it ... i make sure i'm very very busy, because otherwise i start thinking about why i'm doing what i'm doing at all, and get depressed... I'm happy while i'm busy, even though tired, anooyed, etc... I also almost never ask why im doing what im doing (i.e. living, working, studying) when i'm involved with someone. The other person needing me makes my life purposeful. It's true that my parents can also do that b/c they need me, but here it's more in reverse - it's more them taking care of me ... and I'm also annoyed lately cuz they keep teaching me how to live & sometimes I just don't wanna be constantly taught and pressured.

 

I guess this is the main point - i run from situations where i start asking myself WHY exactly im living. Suicide is out of question b/c of my parents. But the constant questioning, - it's just a depressing thing to do, at least it makes me down. So I run, by being busy and by dating people. And when i'm not busy or dating, it's a disaster.

 

I know the main thing that gives me meaning is my relationship with other people - the way i relate to them - I'm a daughter, a lover, a friend, a student, an employee - that makes sense, just 'me' doesn't. People is what gives life meaning. So I seek being needed, I suppose.

 

I'm probably overanalyzing. I'm just upset over breaking up with the dude. Especially since neither of us really want to, but i know that the longer i stay, the harder it'll be to leave, and i also know i cannot stay with him for life - so basically, breaking up now is the least pain, i think. I think i should also get free & move on looking for a man i'd want for long-term...

 

Which brings up another issue - whether or not to have a family. but that's another story.

 

Thanks for listening...

-yes

[yes]

PS

 

it's all about letting people go.

the more connections i have with people, the more meaningful my life feels. it's just that warm feeling of a connection with someone, of mattering in someone's life & having them be a part of yours.

 

i dont have many close friends - it's a typical situation i think - girls get mad at me over some guy, and guys often wanna date me, not be friends.

 

i dont have many relatives either - only my parents & two uncles. the uncles I don't really like cuz they put a lot of pressure on me.

 

so my 'warm' connections come mainly from dating.

 

of course you lose, you find, etc., - it cannot be constant, true.

 

but i guess its not easy for me to establish these un-superficial connections, and i have a hard time letting go of them.

 

because it's not about the other person, it's about there being a connection between me and somebody in the outside world.

 

im not making much sense, am i? i'll stop.

-yes

[clia]

So, what you're saying is that when you are involved with someone else, it makes it easier to not think about your life? That's a very big cop out, but I know exactly what you mean. The problem with that approach is that your life is still going on, and will continue to go on long after the guys you are dating either dump you or are dumped by you, so you end up right back where you started, and likely feeling even worse because you have to go back to something you don't enjoy.

 

Are you really less depressed when you are dating someone, or are you just ignoring what is still there?

 

It's very hard when you are young to figure out what you want to do with your life, what is going to make you happy, etc. (Especially when you are still living with your parents!) But, things turn out much better in the end when you face these questions head on and consider them. Do you really want to keep living how you are living? Of course not--you have to face these questions and get to the root of why you feel like you do.

 

You, and the things you do and accomplish, will give meaning to your life. It's not fair to other people (especially boyfriends) to put this burden on them. Having a relationship doesn't mean that all of your happiness stems from that person--it has to stem from inside of you as well. (Well, for it to be a healthy relationship, anyway.) I think it's very normal to want connections with other people, but that can't be the only thing in your life. You need to be able to do things on your own that fulfill you as well in order to be fully happy. Having boyfriends is great, but being single is great also. They are different experiences, both with very different pros and cons.

 

As for breaking up with this guy...if you feel it's the right thing to do, then just do it and move on. You know in your heart that it's right, so stop questioning it so much!!!

 

Hope this helps...just blabbing here...

[yes]

hey clia,

 

thanks for your reply.

 

i'm feeling much better today; yesterday was just a bad day. lots of the things i typed last night are not true, but they seemed that way then.

 

everything you say makes sense ... everything just makes sense again today.

 

i hope your classes are going well! as well as everything else =)

 

-yes

[quankanne]

don't know if this will help any, but try to look at your relationships -- with your family, with your boyfriend, with your friends -- as "exercises" in love. With each person, that kind of "love" will differ, but it's still part of your overall growing experience.

 

it sucks that race is an issue in your relationship with this guy, but if you look past that, can you honestly say that he's someone you're comfortable being around? Is he a good person? Is he someone you respect? I think in the end, that's what it's all about: being with someone you can trust, who you respect, who is a good person. The issue of race is nothing compared to those things, or at least this is what I've discovered.

 

also, don't ever view your state of solitude as something threatening or bad. We all want someone to call our own, to share our life with, but we've got to be able to love ourselves, be comfortable with ourselves to fully give the gift of ourselve to another. As Tony points out in some of his postings, you have to love yourself first.

 

I think a lot of people mistakenly think that once you get a significant other, you'll never face having to be alone again. That's such a misconception, because you're not with that person 24/7 -- or they're not always emotionally available to you (for example, jobs that take them away from home, illness, stuff like that). If you're not comfortable in your own skin, how will you handle separations like these?

[yes]

quakanne,

 

i agree, totally.

 

race is an issue to my parents, not me. to me, it's an issue w/ my parents - and if the guy is worth it, ill fight for it, no problem. but he isnt really worth it in this case - i mean i wouldn't stay with him even if he was of my race.

 

somebody said... "life becomes much easier once you get used to yourself" ... apparently 20 years isnt enough to do that... heh =)

 

thanks for your reply,

yes