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I got myself into a real "pickle"- I need advice!!


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(i just wrote a whole post that was erased because I forgot to put a username!!)

 

My boyfriend and I have been having some huge tensions in our relationship this past few weeks. We are now having a long-distance relationship because I'm finishing my masters degree in another city.

 

We have been together for over a year and the ride has been rocky with trust issues and things like that. He is also twice my age.

 

Last year I began a telephone relationship with his best friend who became my "confident". I would call him whenever my boyfriend and I had a problem and he would reassure me, give me helpful tips, and 'support' me emotionally. I never told my boyfriend about this because he wouldn't have liked it. There were some secrets that his friend told me about him that I kept for a long time, but last week I ended up "confessing" everything to my boyfriend because I thought that if I played "honest" it would help the relationship.

 

Initially by boyfriend's reaction was anger towards his friend and gratitude to me for telling, but I tried to defent his friend by saying that I was the one who had called him and I was just as responsible. My boyfriend told me it wasn't my fault and he forgave me even though he was hurt that I had kept it secret for so long..

 

A few days later after my boyfriend had confronted his best friend he called me up unsure of whom to belive- me or his friend because apparently his friend had denied everything that I had said. I called up his friend, but he refused to speak to me and hung up, so I called back and left a message saying I was sorry, but that it wasn't fair that he was now lying to my boyfriend. He came on the phone and said, "We had an agreement and you broke it." I responded that it was only because I wanted to "save" the relationship with my boyfriend, but unfortunately it was at his expense.

 

Now my boyfriend is very depressed because he feels he lost a friend of over 20 years. He isn't sure he can trust me again even though he forgives me and is not angry with me. he says he needs time...

 

Yesterday he told me that he just found out that he has a serious medical problem, but he doesn't want to tell me what it is because he says I have enough worries right now and he doesn't want me to worry over him. I reacted in a panic because not knowing was worse than knowing, but he didn't want to tell me. This is really painful because it shows he doesn't trust me. I feel responsible for his medical problem because I know he didn't sleep for several nights and he had terrible heart palpitations.

 

What can I do or say to make things better? On one hand he thinks he now understands why we argues so much in the past (why I was suspicious of other women) because of things that his friend had told me, so in this sense he feels we might have found a 'solution' to our problem, but on the other hand he isn't sure he can trust me. He is in a bind: He doesn't want to break up with me but he sees "no solution" and he's asking me to find a solution.

 

Got any suggestions or tips???

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Your boyfriend now knows you cannot be trusted. Many things you did were beyond heinous.

 

You used severely bad judgement by using using the best friend of your boyfriend as a confidant. Did you say you were going for a master's degree? Is there any wonder your relationship has been rocky over the last year with trust issues???

 

You are supposed to get emotional support from your boyfriend...not his best friend. Didn't anybody tell you this??? I am so sorry you're having to hear this from a stranger on a message board. You have been seriously deprived of important information about personal relationships.

 

It was an insult of the highest order for you to be talking to your guy's best friend about events in your relationship. I give high praise to this friend to be the one who had the integrity and morality to keep his word and keep his mouth shut about this rather strange friendship the two of you had.

 

You totally betrayed your boyfriend by spilling your gutts to his best friend. You did not show good judgement at all because in 99.9 percent of cases, when a lady tells a man's best friend intimacies about her relationship...the best friend automatically assumes she wants him to tell his friend. Otherwise, he would figure this transgression to be other worldly...truly bizarre beyond comprehension.

 

That your confidant kept his mouth shut was truly amazing and worthy of a Nobel Prize.

 

That you were the one who spilled your guts, compromised a whole situation where a guy put his friendship on the line to listen to your crap and give you advice, just to have you open your big mouth speaks loads about your trustworthiness. You simply cannot be trusted. Your boyfriend now knows that, your confidant knows that.

 

Now, your relationship with both of the men is ruined for all time. You can't do something like this without paying the price.

 

But there is a bright side. You have learned an important lesson. One of the importance of keeping confidences under any circumstances, the importance of trust in ANY relationship, importance of NOT spilling your guts to people's best friends, the importance of keeping your word. No man wants to have a girlfriend with serious character flaws.

 

Now you are hopefully a better person, one who can be trusted by other people in the future...maybe. We will see. There are some people who regardless of what happens to them just can't keep things inside...they have to spill things out...they just can't keep their mouth shut for anything. You are clearly one who needs someone to constantly discuss your relationships with. But I don't recommend you ever to do this again because you will have another tragic ending...just like this one. And, like I said, most guys' best friends would tell this about something like this.

 

First, I urge you to find a boyfriend where you keep your discussions about your relationshop limited to your boyfriend...where you get the emotional support you need from the guy you are dating. I mean...that's what it's all about anyway. That's who you should be discussing things with and working problems out with.

 

Second, I urge you to find a dog or cat to spill your gutts to if you find the need to violate a friendship or confidences told to another person. A person is only worth their word.

 

Go and be a better person because of this.

 

I'm sorry I can't solve your problem because it's basically unsolveable. Yeppers, I seriously doubt your guy will ever be able to restore this one, unfortunately. Trust is like virginity. Once compromised, it can never be regained.

 

II'm really sorry this has happened to you. But if you didn't know this was going to be the result of the serious violations of social rules you chose to make, you couldn't have passed the entrance exam for graduate school.

 

I hate to pound you while you're down but after reading you post again, it sounds like maybe its more maturity issues than trust issues. Maybe 55/45. I think you have grown a lot through what has happened and if so, that's good. That's what life it all about...and sometimes growing is painful.

 

Another bright part of this whole thing...you have shown your boyfriend he had the wrong best friend as well.

 

Please grow wiser from this.

 

Oh, I forgot to answer your question. There is nothing in the world you can say or do to patch this up. The decision will totally be your boyfriends. Just try to do better. If you've been having trust issues for over a year, there is something you're doing wrong. Work on it!

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I agree with what Tony has said: this was an awful betrayal of your bf's trust. Imagine how outraged and hurt you would be if the roles were reversed, if it was your bf getting a regular dose of "the scoop" on you from your best friend. And I agree that in all likelihood you've sabotaged your relationship beyond repair. What on earth were you thinking?

 

But I see another dimension here. Unlike Tony, I don't ascribe good intentions to this "friend" of your bf's. A good friend of twenty years decides that it's in his best friend's interests to divulge the best friend's secrets to a new girlfriend? To be her confidant and relationship advisor? Yeah, right. Any real friend would have clammed up the first time you called. He certainly wouldn't have encouraged you to keep on calling.

 

What was that about? An ego trip for him? It sounds like he was feeding you some misinformation, which led you to be suspicious about your bf and other women ... now why would he do a thing like that? It doesn't sound to me like you were confiding in someone who had the best interests of you, your bf, or your relationship at heart. What a weird, weird thing to do. Why weren't you suspicious of HIM? When he told you things that put your bf in a bad light, why weren't you asking yourself "what kind of friend is this, who would rat on his buddy to his buddy's girlfriend?" That's what I would be wondering.

 

My best friend got involved in a long-distance relationship a few years ago. Her bf called me from Europe several times wanting advice about her, etc. I was very wary of him ... I wanted to believe that his intentions were good, that he was just trying to get a handle on my friend, who can be elusive and difficult to read. But I was always aware that I was first and foremost her friend, not his. I liked him at first. Events subsequently proved that he was a really bad apple -- and the fact that he was snooping around trying to get information from me, trying to manipulate the situation so that my friend would do what he wanted her to do, was a signal that something was up. I told my friend every time he called me. I told her what he said and what I said in return. Because I am her friend. Not his. It's a pretty basic thing, so I wonder how it is that this guy seemed to lose sight of that. Maybe because he isn't a real friend, and/or wasnt' being straight with you?

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I was going to write some of the things she did but I didn't want to write a book on a situation I considered so sickening.

 

There are just so many things wrong here...I think all the parties ought to move in another direction and start life over again.

 

YUK!!!

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Thanks for responding: You are absolutly right that I made a big error here.

 

I just wanted to add that many times my boyfriend would say to me "don't investigate me" when he would start to tell me something then he wouldn't tell me the whole thing. This was enough to drive me crazy wondering what it was he was hiding.

 

Last year there was an incident with a woman where he almost cheated on me, but he never told me the truth and I had a gut feeling he wasn't telling the whole story. His friend told me not to believe everything he was telling me, and eventually my boyfriend confessed the real story (fondling did go on..)

 

The reason I used to call up his friend was that my boyfriend couldn't stand it if I started to cry when we were talking and he would say things like, "If you cry I am hanging up. I want to talk to a mature person, so when you're ready we'll have a normal discussion."

After these crying, sobbing sessions I would call up his friend because he would listen to me and tell me to stay "cool" with my boyfriend. Most of my issues dealt with self-confidence. Sometimes his friend would become very upset with my boyfriend for the way he was treating me, and he would try cheer me up by saying, "Every day you have to wake up and look in the mirror and say to yourself: I'm young and beautiful, and he is over the hill."

 

 

Tony is right that it was more of a maturity issue here. The point is that my boyfriend says he DOESN'T want to break up with me, as I thought he would. He says he believes in miracles and is waiting and hoping for a solution or at least the reassurance that I won't ever do something like this again.

So obviously there must be something that can be done because he's not giving up on me.

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This sounds awful.

 

1. You had misgivings -- as you should have -- and instead of your bf being big enough to talk to you about what was going on, when YOU brought it up he made you out to be weak and paranoid. If he had any decency, any maturity, any sense of responsibility in the relationship, he would have had the guts to have that conversation with you himself, instead of leaving it to his friend to break the news to you that you can't trust your bf. Oh right, he finally came around and fessed up, but only after establishing that even with doubts in your mind you wouldn't leave him. His confession only came when he knew it wouldn't cost him much.

 

2. he's manipulating you, making you think that YOU'RE the one with problems when it sounds to me like it's him! You're rightfully suspcious, want to talk, get shut down by him, start to cry (understandable) and he has the gall to tell you that you need to grow up and be mature or else he won't talk to you? Classic defense-by-offense.

 

Your boyfriend sounds like a controlling, selfish jerk. I'd lose him and his best friend. You're in another city anyway, what do you need with some old man of a boyfriend who fondles other women, tells you what you can and cannot say or ask, tells you when you can cry, etc? What are you getting out of him? Money? I don't care how busy or troubled he is, his behavior speaks for itself: he is not good boyfriend material. Not if he needs to have his best friend following around behind him explaining things, telling you to "keep cool" with him when he's being a flagrant a**hole!

 

The only "miracle" would be if you kept this guy in your life in any capacity for even a single day more! A miracle of stupidity, that is.

 

What an arrogant creep. Ugh. Makes me sick just to think about it. If you're insecure, that explains why he's able to do this to you. Step back from the relationship, stop seeing yourself as "lucky" to have this guy's "affection," and see what the real picture looks like.

 

Talk to YOUR friends and see what they think. If you don't have any close friends, that ought to cue you in to how vulnerable you are, depending on this man because you don't have other necessary elements in your life. That dependency doesn't mean he's a good thing, it just means you're not in a position to view him for what he really is: an unmitigated jerk of the first order.

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While you may have done some stupid things, it's reasonable to believe that your controlling, selfish, scumbag boyfriend forced you in that direction.

 

There is just so much repair work necessary with this. Do you really want to spend the time?

 

Relationships are supposed to help people grow...but this one is tearing you down just as much...if not more.

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i couldn't figure out why your boyfriend wasn't enraged with you - based on your last post regarding the situation, i understand now.

 

cleanse yourself of this situation - say goodbye to all.

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I can understand why you were motivated to find out how your bf was betraying you by not being totally honest with you...when you KNEW the truth. And that might have been why you excused your behavior. But 2 wrongs don't make a right. You were just as wrong as he was, now you two are even.

 

If starting over again is what you REALLY want (which is a lot harder than you'd ever imagine, considering the trust issues with the both of you), you can do it. It just will be very hard, and you'll get frustrated and tired of it, before it will get better.

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HokeyReligions

I'm new here and only know what I've read in your post. Obviously you know that you were wrong to confide so in his best friend.

 

The relationship as described in your post sounds very unstable. You have not said if you really love this man, or if he loves you. Where do you want this relationship to go? Where does he want it to go?

 

Trust issues CAN be resolved within a relationship -- even if there has been cheating. But it's durn near impossible to do alone - you need some professional help.

 

If you want to save the relationship - seek a professional counselor. Don't wait for him to go with you, just do it for yourself.

 

If you don't want to save the relationship, but want some help in dealing with situations so that they don't happen again in your next relationship - seek a professional counselor.

 

There is no shame in getting someone to help you sort out your emotional needs and crisis. Think of it as hiring a secretary for your personal life - a good therapist will help you organize and understand your emotions and approaches to problems so that they become managable.

 

At times as I was reading your posts I envisioned your bf as manipulative and you as an enabler. Obviousily, no one can know for sure in a post. That's why I said get in-person professional help. Call your local United Way or Church or School for help in locating someone.

 

Before you put energy into changing yourself, you need to decide if you want to change, or if he needs to change and HOW and WHY. Then you need to decide if you even want to save the relationship and WHY. Then you can work on the trust issues and communication.

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Just a thought.....but a sudden medical problem sure sounds like he is just pushing your buttons. I've seen this exact scenerio played out on one of my good friends before and she wouldn't listen to me when I told her to be cautious of these random things that were happening to her man that would be upsetting to her. Sometimes people just like to have an upper hand or even just recieve sympathy...either one gives you a slight position of power and face it, men love power. What you did might not have been right but as an outsider looking in....before you beat yourself up....I'd track down this medical problem and if it turns out to be bogus...well....perhaps he didn't lose a friend of 20 years either.

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Thanks for all your input everybody.

Just a note on the medical problem. I don't think this is bogus because I spoke to his daughter about this and she told me it wasn't life threatening, but she was afraid that if she talked about is it would bring 'bad luck' so she didn't tell me what it was.

 

I didn't mention that I am friends with his daughter who is around my age. She tells me "as a friend I am on your side, but as a daughter I have to be loyal to my father."

 

I had talked to her a few times when things got really upsetting with him (she encouraged me to call her) , but just recently we agreed not to talk about 'him' together because we could see it could be problematic and I didn't want to put her in a terrible position by having "secrets" phone conversations with him without her 'father' knowing. He knows that his daughter and I get along very well, so this is not a secret

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She's talking about the thread about her s.o.'s sexual performance. We were saying maybe it is a medical problem.

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