My family is destroyed

[cat on roof]

I am a 47 year old woman, married for 8 years. I have a 19 year old son from a previous relation. I am a full time student with no $ except my student loans. My husband has been verbally abusive almost since we got married. The las 3 or 4 years he has become extremely verbally abusive and he started breaking things around the house during each argument. During the last year he started throwing objects close to me or at me. 3 months ago he started being physically abusive by grabbing my clothes and teraing them to get to my cel phone so that I could not call the police. 3 weeks ago he hit me for the first time. We were having an argument and he threw the liquid from a plastic bottle he was drinking from on my face and in my eyes, the liquid (whole milk) blurred my vision because I wear hard contact lenses and burned my eyes, I murmured the word "idiot" more to myself than anything, He said, "what did you call me? I am going to show you what happens to you when you call me names" He hit me on my right eye with the small plastic milk bottle that he grabbed as a weapon, full force. I ended up with a cut on my face under the eye which bled and a black eye. I honestly believe he was going for the eye to try to bust it but God made me close my eye and move my head slightly backwards at the last millisecond because I remember seeing the bottle right in front of the eye before I got hit. After he did this he laughed at me, told me I looked stupid with the blood on my face and told me "that's what happens to you when you call me idiot". He said he was going to continue hitting me. I called the police, I did not press charges but the police did and arrested him. He is in jail. My son left the house for good, he says he cannot be with me anymore because of all I have put him through by livivng with this abuser. I am contemplating divorce. I lost my husband and my son in a matter of hours. I am very depressed and confused. I also have a restraining order on my husband because he has threatened me in the past with burning the house if I ever divorced him and even kill me if he ever got arrested because of me calling the police. I am very scared and confused because I can't help myself, I still love him. I am unsure about leaving him or divorcing him. I am extremely sad. Can abusive husbands change? Does he deserve another chance? Will he kill me next time? Any advice?

[voldigicam]

1. Unfortunately, I'm familiar with this type of situation.

 

2. I suspect with time your son will gain perspective. Be supportive there and it will bear fruit.

 

3. Regardless of feelings, you've described a very dangerous situation for you. If your abuser is going to get out, you probably can't be around. Perhaps there's a shelter program that would assist.

 

4. In the intermediate run, if your abuser is going to be around you will be in danger. I used to see this kind of thing at the legal clinic I worked in. Post-assault remedies are never as good as not getting assaulted. You need that shelter and if possible to relocate in a safer place. I don't know the specific types of organizations that help, but I know that some of our clients were being helped out, getting away from similar bad situations.

 

5. difficult as it may be, pressing charges, being insistent, and if any resources are available, filing a civil suit via a legal aid attorney would be a great idea.

 

6. And if you can get counseling designed to remedy the addiction to an abusive spouse that would help.

 

 

Many years have passed and I have finally realized I had an abusive first wife. Had I understood what I was suffering, that it wasn't my fault, I'd have been much better off.

 

Good luck, and remember you can't help others (e.g., your son) until you first help yourself.

[cat on roof]

Thank you so much for the advice. It really helps me to listen to other people's point of view. What you say to me about helping myself first is the first thing I know I must do. I have an appointment with a PhD counselor (free for students at my university) tomorrow morning. I hope I get some help. I also called the batterred women's shelter a few days ago but they did not want to talk to me, the lady that answered the phone kept on asking me what my situation was at that moment and when I said my husband was in jail she said not to be calling the shelter unless I was in "present and inminent danger" so no help there. I'll keep on trying for other resources. I agree with you about the fact that even if I have a protective order against my husband he can still come and get to me as soon as he gets released. I own the house where we live because I had bought it before we got married, sadly, I will have to leave in order to be safe when he gets out of jail, or take the risk.

Thank you again for the insight.