I don't understand what's wrong with me

[VintageGal]

This is new for me but I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me, and thought maybe someone here could help.

 

I'm mid-twenties. I've been in one long term relationship, and only ever slept or done more than kiss with him. We broke up several years ago and it was very hard on me, even though I know I wasn't getting treated like I should.

 

I really want someone new in my life, but since then I haven't met anyone (available) that I like. I feel like I'm ready to snap. I'm not shy around guys, I get out and meet people (not bars but organized groups, etc). I have plenty of friends. I'm good looking, intelligent, funny, and I don't have any trouble getting guys interested in me.

 

Most of my best friends are all married now, or will be marrying, their awesome mates. I want to be like them, and it's so hard whenever I get a new "Save the Date" card in the mail. I just feel like the big stupid loser.

 

I'll admit, I don't date. I think it's stupid to go out with some random person, and for me it just creates a situation that's utterly artificial and not fun at all. And anyways, 90% of the good relationships I know met through friends or groups, and the ones that date mostly end up in really asinine situations.

 

I want love. And what's worse, I want love before sex. I LIKE sex, I MISS sex, but I can't sleep with just anyone, and part of me hates myself so much for that because I feel utterly abnormal. My few single friends have no trouble with it, which makes me feel like more of a freak. I'm not prude, I'm very open minded about sex acts, but I just want to love the person I happen to be doing f-ed up things to. And I want someone with the same values, someone who hasn't been with a bunch of people, who equates sex with love.

 

What is wrong with me? Why can't I find anyone that interests me? Am I just that unlucky, cursed to see everyone around me with true love, and unable to even indulge in what are supposed to be the benefits of being single? On the outside I represent to everyone that I'm fine being myself, and I'm not doing anything that violates my personal values, but inside I feel like such a freak.

 

Sorry this is so long. Thanks for listening.

[wuggle]

What is wrong with me? Why can't I find anyone that interests me? Am I just that unlucky, cursed to see everyone around me with true love, and unable to even indulge in what are supposed to be the benefits of being single? On the outside I represent to everyone that I'm fine being myself, and I'm not doing anything that violates my personal values, but inside I feel like such a freak.

 

I think you sound totally normal, relax, it just hasn't happened yet. You've not met your Mr big. you will. There's nothing wrong with you, stop comparing yourself to those around you in thier 'oh so perfect' world (chances are half of them are not happy and are faking it anyway). Look in the mirror and like what you see, you only have yourself to answer to.

[VintageGal]

I'm just so tired of being so horribly lonely- that kind of lonely that not even good friends, or a billion hobbies, etc can fill. I can't sleep some nights I'm so sad and lonely.

 

But at the same time I can't seem to "fall" for anyone. I have this one friend that falls for like EVERY guy she meets, they all turn out to be douches, but I wonder why I can't even find 5% of the interest she seems to find.

 

And I know not everyone who seems perfect is, because that was my relationship. But I also know the couples I'm thinking of are really the death-do-you-part types, and I can't understand why they are so lucky, and I'm not. I thought I was cut from the same cloth as them, but apparently there is something missing in me that they have.

[D-Lish]

I am the last single person in my group of friends.

It sucks, I do get lonley often. Every once and a while someone comes around that I like... but they never turn out to be someone I could see myself spending the rest of my life with.

 

I'm tired of the online dating scene- and as much as I have a good social network of friends- since they are all married and settled down- we tend to do more lunch meetings- or visits at their house. Makes it even harder to get out there and meet people.

 

It will happen for you. It's good to have standards- and it's good to have that resolve that you won't settle.

 

My friends have actually started suggesting that I need to settle for something less than wonderful. They try and set me up with the most ridiculous guys. They push them on me all the time, and it bugs the crap out of me.

 

My best friend even ambushed me once- invited me to a BBQ at her and her fiance's house- claiming it was a party. I got there only to find it was her and her fiance- and his best friend. An overweight, sweaty, 35 year old virgin. She gave him my phone number afterwards and he bugged me for a while... I was livid.

 

Keep holding out until the right person comes along- it will happen.

[VintageGal]

I guess I should be happy that I know none of my friends would ever set me up with losers, or want me to settle.

[D-Lish]

I guess I should be happy that I know none of my friends would ever set me up with losers, or want me to settle.

 

Yes- that is a good thing, lol.

 

But also stop thinking that it's something that is wrong with you. It's not.

As you said, you don't have a problem attracting men- just attracting the right one. Someone will come along.

[Still Trying]

I feel you on seeing all of your peers getting married, at 30 I can tell you that I know very few single people now! And yes, it's so easy to look at them from our perspective and really want that, I mean I'm in the same boat even though I'm in a relationship (for now) I feel very lonely and want nothing more than a little physical contact more than 2X a week.

 

There's nothing wrong with you, take comfort that there's probably a million people like us who want the same things. I can't tell you how sick and tired I am of being lonely, and this is after I thought I was really OK with being alone. I think we're really designed to be around other human beings and it's natural to want all of the things that you want. good luck - one piece of advice that's easy for me to give (because I need to heed it myself) is that you're probably trying to hard to find Mr. Right. You're heard it before perhaps but it is true!

[Weird]

Vintage,

 

I like the cut of your jig and wish there were more women like you out there than those who just go for whoever and hump around and have no standards. Not knowing much about you, I can say that based on this info given you sound like a keeper and have good values which IMO is important. I think you are normal (I am like you in the view of dating and having standards except I'm fine being single although I would welcome the perfect girl coming along but other than that have no desire for anything) but if you aren't then the "normal" people suck.

 

I hope that you find the guy of your dreams soon since you really want that and I know it doesn't really mean anything but here is an *e-hug* for you being sad and lonely to the point of not sleeping well.

[VintageGal]

Aw thanks all.

 

It's just so hard WAITING and WAITING and just hoping you just get lucky, and it's not something you can control at all. Reminds me slot machines, or something. I try to remember I've met some nice guys, who would be great mates, but just not compatible to me for whatever reason. I just wish the guys I really like weren't so few an VERY FAAAAARRRRR between.

[Trinibeauty]

you know what, i am kinda in the same situation, and just like you and dont want to have sex with just anyone so i try to wait for the right guy to come along and sweep me off of my feet, im in my early twenties and i am now beginning to see my friends i in serious long term relationships that are very happy and others are getting married really soon, i mean i know i shouldnt be jealous, but i cant help but yearn and wish for a guy, and just like you not every guy interests me either sigh, if they do it doesnt seem to last long so you and i both need help...

[carhill]

OP, you say you don't date and were in one LTR which ended years ago....

 

Meeting a compatible man with whom you share mutual attraction is a numbers game. The only way to do it is to do it. If you find yourself in equally unsatisfactory situations repeatedly, my best advice is to take a hard look in the mirror. I dealt with this issue and didn't get married until in my 40's and it took changing myself to widen my field of opportunity.

 

Best wishes!

[VintageGal]

I'm not perfect obviously, but I feel like the only real issue I have is that I'm not interested in lots of guys. But I've been like that since I was a teen. You say it's a numbers game, but it's also about being in the right situation, and I know I'll overlook a good guy if the first time we really interact is in a loaded situation like a "date". It's just this totally fake thing to me, and the idea of putting two people in what's nothing more than a "judging" situation seems like the WORST way to really get to know someone. I only know one couple who met through dating (and not a friend or group), and I can't shake the feeling that they basically "settled".

 

I think, and people tell me, I'm great. I'd like to date me if I knew me. My girlfriends who I would say are most similar me in attitude and action all have the most awesome husbands/fiances, and they all love me too. I did a bit of therapy at one point and even my therapist said I was a catch. (Which pissed me off because i would have rather heard there was something definitively wrong with me)

 

I don't have any major psychological issues, I don't play games, I'm well rounded- in fact I feel like I might be luckier if I had MORE issues. And it's really depressing to see my friends basically "pitying" me, because they all act like I should be able to find someone. And like I said, I can attract them... I just don't like the ones I attract.

 

It's so hard not to feel like you're just the unlucky one, or the one that the powers-that-be seem to hate.

[carhill]

Gotta say the above sounded like me in my 20's and 30's. I'll use the word again... mirror. Really

 

To me, dating is pursuing attractions which occur and seeing where they go. It's "natural". Maybe it's just a poorly chosen word. Have any suggestions for a better word?

 

Edited to add that, the more selective you are (not liking the ones you attract), the more numbers which are required to meet your desired goal. It's healthy to be selective, but also realize the journey which such selection involves.

[Rebellious]

VintageGal:

 

What happened with your LTR?

 

Bring picky is fine, but maybe you don't try hard enough? I meet many girls that seem to expect a lot and don't offer anything in return. I've gotten good at spotting them and I lose interest right away.

[KittenMoon]

To me, dating is spending time with someone you've already pre-determined as being interesting, specifically in a romantic sense. I've met interesting guys, but not in a romantic sense, so I don't date them. I like meeting lots of people, but in casual settings, in groups, or with friends. The concept of going out on a date with someone you barely know to specifically distinguish whether or not you might be attracted to them romantically seems like some sort of exercise in futility. I'm sorry, I just can't see, or perform, as casually as some when it comes to dating.

 

But I believe what I see. And none of my happily coupled friends did that dating thing- they all just met their mates in some casual situation. My friends that did the internet/bar/club dating thing- oh my god, the horror, the horror.

 

I'm just very frustrated as to why I'm not lucky enough to meet the person I want, when all the people I respect and love the most seem to have no problem.

[KittenMoon]

VintageGal:

 

What happened with your LTR?

 

Bring picky is fine, but maybe you don't try hard enough? I meet many girls that seem to expect a lot and don't offer anything in return. I've gotten good at spotting them and I lose interest right away.

 

My LTR ended for too many reasons to list, but basically my ex was very emotionally immature. We got together in our late teens and ended up growing at very different rates. All too common, I know. And also, when I met him I was very insecure, and so it was easy to just love being loved. (not that I didn't really love my ex, but it made it easier to overlook the stuff that eventually self-destructed the relationship). Now, I 'm far more self confident, and I feel like I don't need or want to impress anyone, which is a little out of my experience zone, I'll admit.

 

And I don't expect anything upon meeting guys. I never offer or expect anything beyond friendship. I'm not a flirt, never have been, unless you count enjoying a good conversation. I totally get why the guys who have asked me out have done so, the only reason I've turned them down is because I've gotten to know them enough by that point to see fundamental differences in our personalities that wouldn't work. I don't want to change anyone, and I'm not going to try.

 

The truth is I know several guys I would be SO compatible with... the problem is they are the guys married or engaged to my girlfriends. A girlfriend of mine even used to joke about her husband running off with me, before i had ever met him, because we were so alike. It feels like it's just small twists of fate that they've met these great guys, and I haven't me one for me.

 

It's just like every guy I really get along with is already taken, and I wouldn't care a bit if I could just find one for me. Just bad luck, over and over.

[VintageGal]

To me, dating is spending time with someone you've already pre-determined as being interesting, specifically in a romantic sense. I've met interesting guys, but not in a romantic sense, so I don't date them. I like meeting lots of people, but in casual settings, in groups, or with friends. The concept of going out on a date with someone you barely know to specifically distinguish whether or not you might be attracted to them romantically seems like some sort of exercise in futility.

 

that's how it is for me! I can't just go out in a random date with a random guy!

[openbook08]

 

 

I want love. And what's worse, I want love before sex. I LIKE sex, I MISS sex, but I can't sleep with just anyone, and part of me hates myself so much for that because I feel utterly abnormal. My few single friends have no trouble with it, which makes me feel like more of a freak. I'm not prude, I'm very open minded about sex acts, but I just want to love the person I happen to be doing f-ed up things to. And I want someone with the same values, someone who hasn't been with a bunch of people, who equates sex with love.

 

 

hey vintagegal, dont worry im 26 & have the same thoughts as you, so if youre abnormal youre in good company!

 

you should read "its just a date" , its such a fun book with great advice. im not long out of a 5year rship (similar to you, first love, immaturity, insecurities etc) i havent been on any dates yet, the thoughts of it possibly happening is nervewracking, but i did meet a guy recently who got me excited about going on a date(but i havent met him since & dunno if i will as he leaves my town shortly. but im ok!) so maybe let this be the year of yes(another book) say yes to things youd normally dismiss as 'not for me' (i dont mean one night stands or anything like that!!)

[voldigicam]

"Dating" has to be one of the weirdest inventions. Especially in an age of "hook ups."

 

Mid 20s guys are mostly jerks. It's a problem. Unfortunately, most guys don't seem to wake up until they're in their late 30s. That might be a solution. Find a friend in his late 30s. Some activity. Where there are other guys in their 30s. Keep alert to a fit. If you get a friend, that's great. Someone who pushes isn't right. Neediness. If someone has a great deal of need to put their hands on your tits, you don't need them. They need a professional! But someone who honestly likes spending time with you. That's great, whether or not it ever goes anywhere.

 

There are exceptions to the 20s guys. Usually folks who have started businesses and have some perspective. They're usually busy. But look for small businesses run by non-gay single guys and start visiting. If you see something you like, you might flirt just a little bit. See what happens.

 

Unfortunately, older guys will be more stable, mature, open. Or have cemented themselves into being complete jerks. Older guys with peace and acceptance of themselves are probably easy to get along with.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

This is new for me but I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me, and thought maybe someone here could help.

 

I'm mid-twenties. I've been in one long term relationship, and only ever slept or done more than kiss with him. We broke up several years ago and it was very hard on me, even though I know I wasn't getting treated like I should.

 

I really want someone new in my life, but since then I haven't met anyone (available) that I like. I feel like I'm ready to snap. I'm not shy around guys, I get out and meet people (not bars but organized groups, etc). I have plenty of friends. I'm good looking, intelligent, funny, and I don't have any trouble getting guys interested in me.

 

Most of my best friends are all married now, or will be marrying, their awesome mates. I want to be like them, and it's so hard whenever I get a new "Save the Date" card in the mail. I just feel like the big stupid loser.

 

I'll admit, I don't date. I think it's stupid to go out with some random person, and for me it just creates a situation that's utterly artificial and not fun at all. And anyways, 90% of the good relationships I know met through friends or groups, and the ones that date mostly end up in really asinine situations.

 

I want love. And what's worse, I want love before sex. I LIKE sex, I MISS sex, but I can't sleep with just anyone, and part of me hates myself so much for that because I feel utterly abnormal. My few single friends have no trouble with it, which makes me feel like more of a freak. I'm not prude, I'm very open minded about sex acts, but I just want to love the person I happen to be doing f-ed up things to. And I want someone with the same values, someone who hasn't been with a bunch of people, who equates sex with love.

 

What is wrong with me? Why can't I find anyone that interests me? Am I just that unlucky, cursed to see everyone around me with true love, and unable to even indulge in what are supposed to be the benefits of being single? On the outside I represent to everyone that I'm fine being myself, and I'm not doing anything that violates my personal values, but inside I feel like such a freak.

 

Sorry this is so long. Thanks for listening.

 

It sounds like you're very sweet, and extremely NOOOOOOOOOORmal!!

 

As I just wrote in another thread somewhere, you need to be sure that you keep playing whatever position you're in(baseball analogy)... and resist thinking you need to *change* anything significant about yourself to reach relationship status.

 

IF indeed you are blessed with all of the outer appeals to which you allude, then the secret to your eventual successes will be meeting a whole lot more people than you meet now.

 

Even if, say, the "average age of first marriage" in your circles is, maybe, 26-ish or something... there is nothing "below average" about one or three in the group not marrying for the first time until after 35.

 

Just make it your goal to arrive back at the 30-year H.S. reunion as the same woman that everyone remembers. Someone who did not see a need to alter herself in an attempt to somehow make social success happen to her.

[OnTheFence]

This is new for me but I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me, and thought maybe someone here could help.

 

I'm mid-twenties. I've been in one long term relationship, and only ever slept or done more than kiss with him. We broke up several years ago and it was very hard on me, even though I know I wasn't getting treated like I should.

 

I really want someone new in my life, but since then I haven't met anyone (available) that I like. I feel like I'm ready to snap. I'm not shy around guys, I get out and meet people (not bars but organized groups, etc). I have plenty of friends. I'm good looking, intelligent, funny, and I don't have any trouble getting guys interested in me.

 

Most of my best friends are all married now, or will be marrying, their awesome mates. I want to be like them, and it's so hard whenever I get a new "Save the Date" card in the mail. I just feel like the big stupid loser.

 

I'll admit, I don't date. I think it's stupid to go out with some random person, and for me it just creates a situation that's utterly artificial and not fun at all. And anyways, 90% of the good relationships I know met through friends or groups, and the ones that date mostly end up in really asinine situations.

 

I want love. And what's worse, I want love before sex. I LIKE sex, I MISS sex, but I can't sleep with just anyone, and part of me hates myself so much for that because I feel utterly abnormal. My few single friends have no trouble with it, which makes me feel like more of a freak. I'm not prude, I'm very open minded about sex acts, but I just want to love the person I happen to be doing f-ed up things to. And I want someone with the same values, someone who hasn't been with a bunch of people, who equates sex with love.

 

What is wrong with me? Why can't I find anyone that interests me? Am I just that unlucky, cursed to see everyone around me with true love, and unable to even indulge in what are supposed to be the benefits of being single? On the outside I represent to everyone that I'm fine being myself, and I'm not doing anything that violates my personal values, but inside I feel like such a freak.

 

Sorry this is so long. Thanks for listening.

 

 

If only their were more gals like you out there, there is nothing wrong with waiting to love someone with body and soul. You are not cursed, you are blessed. Hang in there your time will come when you will find someone that values your values.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I'm the same as you though not currently single! I am very picky myself. A guy could have everything...but still I would not want him. I actually NEVER thought i'd get feelings for any man. I just didn't get any. I met the guy i'm currently with and it hit me like a train. It's weird how that works. Also though...you can't always tell if a person you meet for 5 mins might be the one...so I would say give them more chances...but not dates. Chat on the phone or stuff like that Sometimes that crazy attraction isn't instant, it builds.

[DollWelch]

You're young, VintageGal, with plenty of opportunities to go on adventures with men through the tides of life.

 

Don't despair, there is still time to find the one man that will sweep your heart and mind off the ground. And you know what the best part of being a young single woman? Multitude of experiences yet to come; to enjoy within your own world, and fresh ideas of tranquility.

 

Be patient. That's my advice on this matter. Because in due time, I'm sure of it, you'll find Mr. Right at the right time in your life. Perhaps this is neither the time nor the place.

 

Open your heart to the gifts you've been given in your life, embrace them, and go forward with a smile on your face. You're still young, nothing to worry about, and perfectly normal.

[diskey23]

im male, 26. i graduated from college 2 and a half years ago & it is amazing how fast things change. in no time, it goes from going out with a large but close group of friends to having just a few close ones left to go out with. i actually hang out with one of my married friends younger bro now, hes 22, i feel his whole life is in front of him. last summer i went to about 5 weddings & have 4 more this summer. its also crazy when they do go out how different it is. basically get out by 8, home by 10. honestly, my parents stay out later then that. but im tryin to find a job in a jobless market & realize when i get one that makes me much more attractive to girls.