Need advice please

[tanqueray]

Hi,

 

I have a girlfriend who is a mother of two children and lives with her grandfather as a caregiver. We have been seeing each other for almost a year and during that time I have seen her domestic life turn progressively worse. The source of her problems centers around her oldest child who is 17-years old and is still in high-school.

 

He has many run-ins with the police concerning substance abuse and devoted as she has been to help him turn his life around he continues to defy her authority and get into more trouble. Frankly, I think its exactly this sheltering parental role which has helped to shirk responsibility and nuture his troubling attitude toward life in general.

 

Still, she had wanted to move out of her grandfather's house with her remaining child and grandfather as soon as the 17-year old turns 18 in October and becomes legally responsible for himself. But her grandfather seems disposed to trap her in this situation, not fully understanding the toll it is taking on her physically and emotionally. His standpoint is that the troubled child just needs continued guidance and support from his family to help in this time of need, particularly as he needs another year to graduate from highschool.

 

The effect her is pretty severe. She takes anti-depressants and stress medication in order to cope with the situation which have in turn had negative effects on her health. She also often talks to me about suicide as an 'option', which frightens me immensely. Im not certain how seriously she weighs that option, but the mere fact that it would be an option to her rattles me.

 

Ultimately she feels trapped.

 

If she moves out of the house when he turns 18, the grandfather has already stated that he will sell the house and move out on his own with no intent of keeping relations with her. The guilt this creates for her alone, makes it a non-option.

 

If she stays with her son until he graduates high school, she is subjected to another year of hell and although the most likely option to be taken I hate to see her have to go through it. There is no guarantee, of course, that at graduation that the situation will be finished if he chooses not to leave home.

 

Because there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel, suicide seems more and more like the "only" way out.

 

And in turn, I feel trapped. I feel trapped because I feel as though her situation has never allowed a serious relationship between us to get off the ground. My initial feelings for her diminished over the past year. My impulse to run as far away as possible began long ago but I cant stand to do so because I feel she depends on me so much for support and escape from her home life. If I removed myself from the situation and she did something drastic, I would be absolutely devastated.

[Tony T]

You are in no way obligated to remain in this woman's life just so she won't commit suicide. Hell, she's talking about it NOW and you ARE in her life.

 

You cannot allow yourself to be held emotional hostage by what this lady may do. You are in a chaotic situation and, as you said, your feelings for this lady have diminished. You really don't sound like you want to hang around.

 

Go with this lady to authorities and school officials and see what radical behavioral modification programs may be available to help this kid make some changes in his life before things get much worse. Schools have counsellors whose jobs it is to see that these kinds of matters are solved. Police know of programs to help young people get off jobs and begin to lead responsible jobs.

 

It's obvious that this kid is way too much for her to handle.

 

Help her get psychological counselling to help stabilize her mental state so she stops talking suicide. Chances are 50/50 she is not serious but uses these threats of killing herself to keep you around. That's a pretty cheap shot if you ask me and I wouldn't have a woman who tried to manipulate me in such a low class way. Get her help and move on. If she refuses help...BINGO...there's your answer. You're off the hook.

 

Once you've helped get her boy in a program that will get him on a road to recovery, split and don't look back. You were not put on this planet to hang around other people's problems.

 

You sound like a pretty good guy and there's lots of women who would love to meet you who wouldn't present you with this kind of a chaotic life for yourself. You just don't need the aggravation.

[velvet]

I know the chaos her child is putting her through. It may not be all her fault that her child is disrespectful of her authority. It could be genetic from the fathers side of the family.

 

Her options would be to have her and her child go to counseling. When he becomes an adult he could enter the military or job corp.

 

I know several families who are going through this exact turmoil and have yet found the answers to a happier, healthier life.

 

I agree with Tony, if you are ready to move on with your life without your g/f, do it. If you feel you are not and are only frustrated with whats happing in your g/f life than it would be selfish of you to run and leave her with the headache.